Tag Archives: shut up

  We Watch So You Don't Have To

The Sarah Palin Fartknocker Report: We Showed Sarah Palin’s Bra, We Guess?

The Sarah Palin Fartknocker Report, Presented by Fartknocker
A man gave us money to watch The Sarah Palin Channel. That man was Fartknocker. In a recent Ask Me Anything, Sarah Palin started with a relatively simple question: “If (or when) you run for President, will you be calling for term limits?” The next FOUR WHOLE MINUTES are devoted to the former Alaska governor attempting to pick her way through a political minefield, because apparently Palin does everything in one take, love it or leave it. Read more on The Sarah Palin Fartknocker Report: We Showed Sarah Palin’s Bra, We Guess?…
  Hot Take Bro

Cleveland Cops Think ‘Pathetic’ Athletes Should Stay Out Of Cops Killing Black Kids

Not even close to the biggest disappointment on Sunday night
Unless you play fantasy football, you’ve probably never heard of Cleveland Browns wide receiver Andrew Hawkins, but the public relations geniuses at the Cleveland Police Union are doing their darnedest to change that. Hawkins took the field Sunday wearing a shirt that read “Justice for Tamir Rice and John Crawford,” prompting this #HotSportsTake from the Cleveland cops. Read more on Cleveland Cops Think ‘Pathetic’ Athletes Should Stay Out Of Cops Killing Black Kids…
  Shut up today shut up tomorrow shut up forever!

Chris Christie Promises He Will Never Stop Being A Dick

You shut up, and you shut up, and you shut up
Lovable cuddly soft-spoken goofball Gov. Chris Christie (R-Joisey) appeared on the “Today Show” to vow that he will never give up, never surrender, when it comes to being a raging screamaholic jerk-faced jerk. Read more on Chris Christie Promises He Will Never Stop Being A Dick…
  heart attack-ack-ack-ack-ack-ack

Chris Christie To Lady Doctor: Shut Up, Lady Doctor

New Jersey Governor Chris Christie is so mad, you guys. Right, right, he’s always mad. But listen, some lady doctor from the Clinton White House days had the audacity to state the obvious this week when she said maybe his weight would make him not live all the way through a presidency and that he should do some things to not die before he tries to “run.” Dr. Connie Mariano, who was President Bill Clinton’s doc: He is at risk of a heart attack at that size, he could have sleep apnea, stroke, high blood pressure, diabetes. And coming to the White House, which is a pressure cooker and there is more stress involved, long hours, lots of travel, which makes those things worse unless they were healthier. I’m worried about this man dying in office Makes sense, no? No. Especially not to Chris Christie. He held a press conference wherein he told everybody this lady should “Shut up.” He also called her a “hack” and said she should examine him before she made any of those claims. Dude, she did. She looked at you. It is that obvious. Read more on Chris Christie To Lady Doctor: Shut Up, Lady Doctor…
  just kill all the womenfolk?

Slot Machine Addict & Republican Crook Notes U.S. Men Are Failures

Bloated GOP gambling addict William Bennett makes his millions in many ways, such as his storied tenure on the board of some sketchy “online charter school” that siphons taxpayer money from real public schools. (It was started by Goldman Sachs executives and convicted felon Michael Milken, of course. Bennett “resigned” from the K12 board after an unusually straightforward series of crazed racist ranting about his desire to kill all black children on his own wingnut talk radio program, but there was never a claim that he divested from the corporation.) He also poops out unwanted books now and then, which is one of the more bizarre parts of the American media economy, and is also paid money by CNN both for appearing on its endless, unwatched jabbering panelists programs and also for providing shitty excerpts from his latest book as “web content.” And still, with such a gravy train, this is a person who could only find fulfillment by punching lighted buttons on slot machines like a senile old lady with her oxygen tank parked next to her ashtray. What conservative trope has Bennett dug up and crapped out in book form this time? Oh something about how when “we” (conservative men) weren’t looking, the womens went and stole “our” prestige and jobs and whatever. Read more on Slot Machine Addict & Republican Crook Notes U.S. Men Are Failures…
  everybody hates biden

Republicans Walk Out On Joe Biden’s Budget Talks

Jabbering moron Joe Biden was trying to save America by turning off a $125 website for endangered species, but somehow everybody still thinks Joe Biden is a fool. So congratulations to Joe Biden for somehow looking worse than congressional Republicans, great job! Read more on Republicans Walk Out On Joe Biden’s Budget Talks…
  the grifters are coming! the grifters are coming!

Sarah Palin Has No Idea Who Paul Revere Was, Or What He Did

Jabbering imbecile Sarah Palin and her rented tour bus continue to bring laughs to America. Here’s how she described Paul Revere’s famous 1775 secret horseback ride through the countryside where he quietly warned revolutionary conspirators of the British Army’s progress between Boston and Lexington, where they planned to arrest Samuel Adams and John Hancock: “He who warned uh, the British that they weren’t gonna be takin’ away our arms, uh by ringing those bells, and um, makin’ sure as he’s riding his horse through town to send those warning shots and bells that we were going to be sure and we were going to be free, and we were going to be armed.” You must watch this video from the local news in Boston. Read more on Sarah Palin Has No Idea Who Paul Revere Was, Or What He Did…
  yeah shouldn't they be wearing burqas?

Wingnuts Furious About … Too Many Arab Beauty Queens

American Taliban/Miss USA Rima Fakih was just another gal who did stripper-pole dances at local bars until she was chosen as the new Queen of TeeVee Underwear Contests last night. And then, within hours, the 24-year-old bikini model had become the new Obama/Osama of the Wingnut Internet World, because she was born in Lebanon and just might be “half-muslin” for real. Why are these Arabs getting to win beauty contests? Is it suddenly illegal to find a white person to finally win one of these T&A programs? Read more on Wingnuts Furious About … Too Many Arab Beauty Queens…
  politico's 'obama to run again' exclusive was better

EMAILS WE DELETED IMMEDIATELY: “Good afternoon, In a story exclusive to National Journal, Jim Barnes reports that former House Speaker Newt Gingrich is weighing a run for president in 2012 and that he expects to come to a decision in February or March of 2011.” [National Journal!!] Read more on …
  the new sarah palin

Michael Steele Says A Thing Again! This One’s About Loving An ACORN

Michael Steele! It has been a full forty-five minutes since he has last tempted John Boehner to actually murder him. Things are quiet… too quiet. Back on The Streets when things were too quiet, this meant that one of the Street People had to make a move. You can bet your Boston Terrier that Michael Steele has internalized the Street Lessons. John Boehner would be a FOOL if for one second he really believed that Michael Steele considered the GOP’s threats to be hip OR hop, ho ho ho! Manifestly, that sort of arrogance would get him GUN-KILLED back on the Streets! Michael Steele’s hatred of John Boehner is literally the only possible explanation for Steele’s latest thing: publicly announcing how much he loves ACORN’s leader, despite, of course, despising the work that she does and everything she stands for. Read more on Michael Steele Says A Thing Again! This One’s About Loving An ACORN…
  america's first family

Famous Marriage Expert Levi Johnston Says Palins Have Marriage Troubles

Alaskan teen Levi Johnston is famous for banging one of Sarah Palin’s daughters in Sarah Palin’s house in a special fuck room Sarah Palin created for the children, and ever since America has turned to Young Mr. Levi for tawdry details of the Palin Lifestyle. The latest, from some awful celebrity shit site: Todd and Sarah got some terrible marriage problems! Read more on Famous Marriage Expert Levi Johnston Says Palins Have Marriage Troubles…
  nostalgia

Why Can’t GI Joe Kill Slants & Gooks Like He Used To, When He Was American?

You know who used to be American, when he killed fucking foreigners in “World War II or Korea or one of these places,” while wearing the proper green “Army duds,” before liberal Hollywood turned him into a cocksucking cross-dresser? GI JOE THAT IS WHO, come on. Read more on Why Can’t GI Joe Kill Slants & Gooks Like He Used To, When He Was American?…
  he learned nothing from 'let's roll'

NEIL YOUNG WOULD LIKE TO COMMENT ON THIS FINANCIAL NEWS: So he made a super-shitty song/video about, uh, Wall Street fat cats or whatever. Just do a blog on Huffington Post next time, okay? [Gawker] Read more on …
 

Hillary Clinton Will Maybe Stop Talking Now

Not that it will last, but our nation’s ears have a little respite of peace today, because poor Hillary Clinton lost her voice. And then she cried about it. And make no mistake, these tears were real, because the only thing the Clintons will truly cry about is not being able to hear the sound of their own voice. [Drudge Report] Read more on Hillary Clinton Will Maybe Stop Talking Now…
 

Lou Dobbs: ‘I Won’t Let Jesus Protect Those Mexicans’

Orange-headed Space.com founder Lou Dobbs isn’t just hating on Mexicans today — he is taking the fight to God. Apparently God/Jesus is a helper of Mexicans — no coincidence, if you consider Jesus’ suspiciously Mexican-sounding name — and Dobbs has basically threatened to kill God/Jesus if there’s any “divine intervention” on behalf of the evil Mexicans. Dobbs writes: Read more on Lou Dobbs: ‘I Won’t Let Jesus Protect Those Mexicans’…