Wonkette

Here is something Bill Clinton can’t do: Shut his fat mouth. Even as the Pennsylvania people are finally voting, the former president continues to make an ass of himself, make Hillary look terrible and basically bring shame to the Democrats and the entire nation. Guess what he’s talking about, again? How Barack Obama is like that Jesse Jackson, that’s what! MORE »

Senator Larry Craig was in court again today arguing that he ought to be allowed to withdraw his guilty plea in the whole bathroom sex thing that was totally a mistake because he is TOTALLY NOT GAY. His lawyers continue to argue that since he didn’t actually engage in the ass- or face-fucking that he was TOTALLY NOT LOOKING FOR anyway, he didn’t really commit a crime. Seriously, Larry, you’re gay and everyone knows. Stop wasting everyone’s time and Minnesotans’ money and slink away like you did the first time.

Pat Robertson talks to God, who is obviously as obsessed with the 2008 Presidential elections as anyone because he doesn’t care that much about any of the other problems in the world because we’re like the really big Christian Nation. And although Robertson already endorsed Giuliani before this year’s chat with God, God told him some stuff. Important stuff. Election-y stuff.

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Just kidding! Well, he does say it’s a sin, and that he’s a sinner but he’s totes not a man who would choose that gay lifestyle because the “traditional concept of sexual behavior” is breeding, period. The danger with sex today, people, is that homosexuality is one of many “publicly endorsed and institutionally supported aberrations.” Other publicly endorsed aberrations, according to Huckles, include sadomasochism, pedophilia and necrophilia.

Ok, seriously, what the fuck is wrong with these Christian conservative types? Does anyone else, anywhere, spend this much time thinking about other people having sex that isn’t doing so in order to masturbate, plan their next porno, or write for Fleshbot? Let alone, does anyone spend this much time equating the guy-on-guy anal action with fucking dead people, little kids or animals? Like, how does that even occur to you? Candidates are being assassinated in Pakistan and people are dying in Kenya over rigged elections and thousands of Americans and Iraqis are dead in Iraq because of a war we started for (apparently) no good reason and their feeble little minds are totally filled with thoughts of how God doesn’t want people to to engage in ass fucking because you can’t have babies? Jeebus Motherfucking Christ, I’m ready to start drinking now. Bring on the New Motherfucking Year.

So, while candidates in other countries risk life and limb for politics, our candidates risk only their own pride and our derision to win the right to continue campaigning for another 10 months or so. And so it was that yesterday Mike Huckabee decided to let his redneck flag fly by announcing that he doesn’t only kill small animals for fun all the time unlike that poseur Romney, he eats them, too. Yes, in order to pander to the varmint-eaters vote, Huckabee bragged “I figured out you could put grease in a popcorn popper and heat that thing up, and you could cook anything,. So we fried squirrel.” OMG, people, is this what we’re coming to? Who is the biggest redneck Macgyver? And with 10 more months to go? I’m cracking the booze now. Book me at room at Promises for November 5th, please. [LA Times]

Our “beloved” President has reminded us all over and over again that just because the terrorists are Muslim doesn’t mean all Muslims are terrorists. Even though it’s just a pre-written talking point and no one’s real sure that even he buys it, it’s actually both true and one of the smarter things he’s ever said. But, this is a campaign season and little nuances like “not all Muslims are hell bent on the extermination of life as we know it” sometimes don’t fly with voters who need short, quick talking points, like the only helpfully provided above by by John Deady the New Hampshire State Co-Chair of Veterans for Rudy. This is a clash of civilizations, people, and just because we weren’t quite able to exterminate the Muslims with those crusades lo those many years ago doesn’t mean we shouldn’t try again which is why we should all vote for Giuliani on ‘08. Obviously. [The Guardian]

As of January 1, 2008, it will get a little more expensive in Texas to go to one of the state’s 150 strip clubs. As of 2008, every person patronizing a strip club will have to pay a $5 tax at the entrance, most of which will go to programs to help rape victims. Some club owners, naturally, are suing to prevent the tax from taking effect claiming that the selective taxation is a violation of their First Amendment rights and some of them “resent the implication that strip clubs lead men to commit sex crimes. Yeah, there’s definitely no correlation whatsoever between the relentless objectification of women in our society and sex crimes. [Yahoo News, Sex Roles: A Journal of Research]

So, now that everyone knows that there’s no way in hell George Romney marched with Martin Luther King or that the Mittster watched, he’s been forced to come up with another story. That story is that George Romney marched in a rally in Grosse Pointe that was sorta part of one that King spoke at in Detroit a few days earlier that Romney couldn’t attend because it was Sunday and Mormons spend practically all day in services on Sundays. Also, Mitt was “speaking figuratively” when he said he “saw” it. Whatever, dude. [Boston Phoenix, The Page]

The Nationalist Movement, which is totes not a group of neo Nazi pig fuckers you shouldn’t allow in polite society, “wants” to hold a rally in Jena, Louisiana on Martin Luther King Day. They want to march as a response to the September 20th rally in support of the Jena 6 (pictured) that drew thousands of protestors to Jena. But, um, the government is, like, totally suppressing their rights, they swear!

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Mitt Romney’s been all over Mike Huckabee’s pardons this week, talking about how the Mittster never pardoned a single criminal in all his years as governor, because that’s a spectacular fucking accomplishment. Bronze Star recipient Anthony Circosta would tend to disagree with the implications of Mitt’s assessment of his pardoning record, though.

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