Ever go to a quaint marketplace in Mexico or Morocco or maybe some flea market in a sports arena parking lot on Sunday morning and haggle over the myriad gewgaws? That is what shopping in America will be like, next year! Or maybe right now. With 148,000 retail store closures in 2008 and another 73,000 predicted for the first few months of 2009, some 20% of all American shops will be gone. And the ones that remain will basically give you whatever you want for whatever coins in your purse. MORE »

It’s easy to forget that some other guy was president before the McCain/Obama joint rulership of America began. The other guy’s name was “George Bush,” and he flew around the world dancing with the natives and bombing nonexistent nuke installations. But now that Dick Cheney has tired of operating the chip in his brain, George Bush needs a new place to live, so he has dispatched his wife to investigate every cavernous tacky 7,000-square-foot limestone piece of shit in the greater Dallas area. Let’s explore the possibilities, together. MORE »

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Are you reading this early Monday morning? Chances are you don’t have the Presidents Day Holiday off from work. Congratulations, because Wonkette has to work, too. Election 2008 will not pause for some pointless remembrance of a couple of dead presidents who founded the country or started the Civil War or whatever. We have cars to buy, on credit, but at some kind of potential discount! (Sorry about everything, George Washington and Abe Lincoln.) [Why Tuesday?]

OK everyone, Wonkette is taking the rest of the afternoon off, so you’re free to stop reloading our homepage and go shopping for Christmas or the Jewish thing. (Unless, of course, you went to J.C. Penney at 4 a.m. and are already done.) Just remember: You can buy that Nintendo Wii for your child, or you can buy 20 phones for John McCain. WWJD?

Yesterday, we brought you the New York Times roundup of crappy campaign swag, an action which virtually guarantees that within a couple of weeks, college campuses will be rife with ironic hipsters strutting around with Huckabee messenger bags. Today’s shopping trip is to the wonderful, wonderful Blackwater store, a shop bursting with a fabulous array of fashions for him, her and baby, too! MORE »

* Xiu Xiu at the Rock and Roll Hotel with Casiotone for the Painfully Alone and Shearwater. $12 at 8PM. [R&R Hotel]
* U of M professor Benjamin Barber is always on NPR talking about shopping and he’s funny and not sanctimonious. His book is called Consumed. He’ll say “Capitalism has created an adolescent culture rooted in instant gratification” tonight at Politics & Prose. Free at 7PM. [P&P]
* “For 500-plus years, the Yamagata area farmers, tradesmen, merchants, and Kasuga Shrine parishioners doubled as actors and progressively infused the performances with the local dialect and outlook to make Kurokawa noh distinctive.” It’s a form of Japanese theater that uses masks. Part of the Smithsonian’s Japan WOW! program, $18 at 6:30PM. [Smithsonian]