Tag Archives: shopping

  Complete with matching blankies for you and your libertarian sex lover

Let’s All Poke Through Rand Paul’s Online Garage Sale And Then Not Buy Anything

Today is the day Rand Paul has been waiting for, when Rand Paul announced that Rand Paul will officially lose the 2016 election! And wouldn’t you know it, he came prepared, for he has many, many nice things for sale, in case you need Rand Paul on your tits, your dick, or your bedroom ceiling, which is where you’ll want to put that fancy eye chart up there! Yours for only $20.16! He did an eye chart, you see, because he pretends to be an ophthalmologist. Read more on Let’s All Poke Through Rand Paul’s Online Garage Sale And Then Not Buy Anything…
  Bills 'N' Things

Republicans Will Win All The Lady Votes With Exciting New Strategy: ‘Women Be Shopping’

We bet you're just as embarrassed at being reminded of this as we are for remembering it in the first place
OK, ladies, you’d better be ready, because here comes the 743rd Republican effort to convince you that there’s no “war on women” — instead, there’s a War For Women, and the GOP is totes going to win it because it knows what women REALLY care about. And what women really care about is not all that dull boring ‘bortion and contraceptives stuff, but rather the simple realities of everyday life, which does not revolve around your vagina, for godssakes. Which is why, before giving up on everything except maybe trying to pass an immigration bill that the Senate won’t even look at, House Republicans introduced a package of bills Wednesday to make life better for women. Cathy McMorris Rodgers took some time away from lying about Obamacare to explain why ladies are going to finally see that Republicans are their besties forever: Read more on Republicans Will Win All The Lady Votes With Exciting New Strategy: ‘Women Be Shopping’…
  this is why black kids can't have nice things

NYPD Arrests Black Kid For Buying Nice Things With Own Money, Proving Value of Hard Work

NYPD officers and Barney’s Department Store did their best to encourage hard work among urban youth this week when the store accused a black teen of using a counterfeit debit card to pay for a designer belt. In reality, the card was legitimate, and Trayon Christian, 19, was spending his paycheck on a $350 Ferragamo belt because he had the mistaken notion that black nineteen-year-olds are free to spend their own money as they want to, even on luxurious fripperies. Ah, the innocent follies of youth! Doesn’t he know that if you work hard in America, you are free to be understanding when white people make the reasonable assumption that black kids with money are thugs and crimers? Read more on NYPD Arrests Black Kid For Buying Nice Things With Own Money, Proving Value of Hard Work…
  ooh la la

Your Sweetheart Needs Scary Panties For Valentine’s

Wonkers, please to have your Official Reminder that if you want romantic panties (with teeth!) for your damsel for Valentine’s Day, you must order them by anytime tomorrow (Thursday, we guess), in order to get them on time through the US Mails. All right! Good post! Let’s look at what else you can buy for your sweetheart! Read more on Your Sweetheart Needs Scary Panties For Valentine’s…
  it's the final countdown

Order Your Wonket Nonsense Tonight If You Want It In Time For XXX-Mas

Hey lazy. Whatcha doin’? Bein’ lazy? Forgetting to buy shit for all the people you love? Well you are in luck, because the post office informs us that if we get them your packages by tomorrow morning, your sorry ass will have presents under your heathen, Jesus-less, responsible-for-Newtown “holiday tree.” (Also, WE WILL EVEN WRAP THEM, oddly and kind of home-madey, in two colors of tissue paper, with ribbon! If you pay us to.) Right. So. Go here. The end. [WonketteBazaar] Read more on Order Your Wonket Nonsense Tonight If You Want It In Time For XXX-Mas…
  give us all your moneys

All Your Christmas Shopping In One Place, Unless You Have To Buy Stuff For Your Stupid Kids

You will have to go elsewhere for your creepy Elmo dolls (in fact, you probably want to just click that Amazon box in the righthand sidebar so that when Amazon forces your local mom and pop store out of business, at least your local mom and pop website gets a cut). We we do not have a single item for your stupid kids. What do we have? Hats, coffee cups, gift wrap, some other stuff, some more other stuff, and scary underwear. Read more on All Your Christmas Shopping In One Place, Unless You Have To Buy Stuff For Your Stupid Kids…
  shopping with sean

Hannity: Poor People Are Doing Fine Because There Is Enough Rice And Beans To Go Around

Oh, the radio! Fox News doesn’t let Sean Hannity speak lies to the powerless to quite the degree that he would like to, so, on his radio program on Monday, the reigning drunk jock of the airwaves took a call from a man who was trying to explain why he wasn’t convinced he should vote for Mitt Romney. WELL WHY NOT? Said the caller: “I need for you to ask him, when was the last time he went to bed or woke up hungry? You see, this is the part that most Americans can associate with.” (Rude interruptions, disbelief from Hannity.) “See, it’s kind of hard for them to associate with somebody that has never, ever had any financial problems in his life,” the caller continued. Hannity’s response to this is that he himself, Hannity, because this is his show, goddammit, has “never [gone] to bed hungry in my life — ever. Most Americans haven’t.” Read more on Hannity: Poor People Are Doing Fine Because There Is Enough Rice And Beans To Go Around…
  flotus files

Michelle Obama Celebrates 2011 With One Last Fancy Clothes Scandal

The end of the year (world?) can be a good time to reflect on all of the happy times of the last 12 months, like gym sessions with Desmond Tutu, victories in world domination, and whatever is actually going on in this photo. Perhaps it is also an appropriate time to consider the past year’s mistakes and contemplate lessons learned. Not for our FLOTUS, of course, because she is too good for that second thing. She is pretty pleased with 2011 and has decided to close out the year the best way she knows how: in fancy clothes, on an island far away from most of the poor people. Read more on Michelle Obama Celebrates 2011 With One Last Fancy Clothes Scandal…
  2012 can't come quick enough

‘Black Friday’ Champs Walk Over Dying Man To Buy Target Crap

Pepper spray was a-spraying, knives were a-stabbing, guns were a-shooting, muggers were a-mugging, punchers were a-punching — it was a “Black Friday” celebration that truly proved if you’re not a part of the worldwide anti-corporate protests, then you’re actually a very stinky part of the problem. But the Gold Medal in Applied Assjerk Consumerism goes to the shoppers at the Target crap box store in South Charleston, West Virginia: These bargain-crazed mouth-breathing waterheads literally walked over a dying 61-year-old man who collapsed in the aisles. Can we please do an “alternate history swap” and have the Native Americans defeat the Europeans? Please? Read more on ‘Black Friday’ Champs Walk Over Dying Man To Buy Target Crap…
  flotus files

Michelle Obama’s Trip to Target Was Basically a Lie

Our FLOTUS is very fortunate, because there is no Wall Street Insanity, in her world. Michelle Obama lives a much calmer existence, in a place where simple questions (“Where do fat people come from?”) have simple answers (“Arby’s”). So she is sometimes able to spend her time doing enjoyable things, like celebrating her wedding anniversary with Barack Obama, or going to the local Mom-and-Pop Target store to buy toothpaste and iPod accessories for Malia. But does she do these things for real, or for lies? LIES, IT’S ALL LIES is the answer, according to America’s shouting radio and teevee heroes. Why else would Michelle Obama walk around a Target store, besides the obvious reason of deception? Read more on Michelle Obama’s Trip to Target Was Basically a Lie…
  america's great artists

Schmaltz Artist Pulls American Jesus Prints From ‘Liberal’ BYU Shop

Did you hear about liberal hate site “Groupon” sponsoring the racist Donald Trump’s racism? Groupon, you’re fired! What’s next? How about those liberals at the Mormon university? Yeah, how about them? A guy who makes prints of Jesus and the GOP Presidents and the Troops has pulled his precious artworks from the Mormon Church-owned Brigham Young University bookstore because … liberals? Yes. They were too liberal. So now you have to get this kind of art the same way everybody else does: by searching “Never Forget” on Google Images. Read more on Schmaltz Artist Pulls American Jesus Prints From ‘Liberal’ BYU Shop…
  it's morning in america

Pervert Army People Love Watching Bradley Manning Get Naked

Devious Lady GaGa CD-RW terrorist Bradley Manning was charged yesterday with “aiding the enemy,” which is punishable by death. (Hillary Clinton will sit on him until he dies.) In the meantime, the Army has decided that Bradley Manning needs to take off his clothes and then stand around naked in his prison cell for hours, all sexy-like. Why would the Army people force Brad to do this? There’s a perfectly logical explanation, according to a Marine spokesman: “It would be inappropriate for me to explain it … I can confirm that it did happen, but I can’t explain it to you without violating the detainee’s privacy.” In Army Land it’s totally okay to forcibly remove Bradley Manning’s clothes and then leave him naked in a prison cell for seven hours. But explaining why this is okay? Jeebus, that’s a serious violation of the detainee’s privacy! [NYT] Read more on Pervert Army People Love Watching Bradley Manning Get Naked… Read more on Pervert Army People Love Watching Bradley Manning Get Naked…
  soft bigotry of low expectations

Wal-Mart Bringing FOUR Wonderful Wal-Marts To D.C.

The world’s largest retailer for the world’s largest customers, Wal-Mart, has decided to open four stores in the Nation’s Capital. For one (usually good) reason or another — China, jobs, lead poisoning, the destruction of entire American towns — people who have never had to suffer the fate of buying Wal-Mart boxes of corn-syrup Phat Clusterz or Hannah Montana jeggings still claim to despise these superstores. But there’s another reason to hate Wal-Mart, according to the wise leaders of Washington: Poor people are so entranced by the aisles and aisles of shiny junk, they just can’t stop themselves from shoplifting! Read more on Wal-Mart Bringing FOUR Wonderful Wal-Marts To D.C….
  Pretties

Midterm In Style With Sexy New Teabagger Jewelry

Fashionable American daughters of the revolution, do you covet accessories that will please God and the Invisible Hand? Are your crucifix pendants and American flag pins not enough? Then maybe you should pick up a pair of these beautiful, sterling-silver tea bag dingle-dangle earrings and a matching pin, Made in the USA by the metallurgists at Tea Bag Jewelry. Promoting small government has never been so stylish. Read more on Midterm In Style With Sexy New Teabagger Jewelry…
  Gift Guide!

A Children’s Treasury of Mother’s Day Gifts

Mother’s Day is Sunday, May 9 — that’s so soon! For all you procrastinators who haven’t yet decided what to get the beloved babymakers in your lives, here’s a handy-dandy gift guide. These items are all on sale at the exclusive online boutiques CafePress and ZazzleMart and are so much better than flowers, because, like our freedoms, they will never die. So grab your clicky-mouses and your credit cards, and let’s start shopping! Read more on A Children’s Treasury of Mother’s Day Gifts…
  life during wartime

Here Are 30,000 Americans Ready For War

WalMart! There is nothing quite like a blood riot in a WalMart to make you want to go anywhere else, even Afghanistan. Enjoy this footage from “Black Friday,” the magic day in America when the citizens don’t even pretend to be human. [YouTube] Read more on Here Are 30,000 Americans Ready For War…