Tag Archives: shopping

  Bills 'N' Things

Republicans Will Win All The Lady Votes With Exciting New Strategy: ‘Women Be Shopping’

We bet you're just as embarrassed at being reminded of this as we are for remembering it in the first place
OK, ladies, you’d better be ready, because here comes the 743rd Republican effort to convince you that there’s no “war on women” — instead, there’s a War For Women, and the GOP is totes going to win it because it knows what women REALLY care about. And what women really care about is not all that dull boring ‘bortion and contraceptives stuff, but rather the simple realities of everyday life, which does not revolve around your vagina, for godssakes. Which is why, before giving up on everything except maybe trying to pass an immigration bill that the Senate won’t even look at, House Republicans introduced a package of bills Wednesday to make life better for women. Cathy McMorris Rodgers took some time away from lying about Obamacare to explain why ladies are going to finally see that Republicans are their besties forever: Read more on Republicans Will Win All The Lady Votes With Exciting New Strategy: ‘Women Be Shopping’…
  this is why black kids can't have nice things

NYPD Arrests Black Kid For Buying Nice Things With Own Money, Proving Value of Hard Work

NYPD officers and Barney’s Department Store did their best to encourage hard work among urban youth this week when the store accused a black teen of using a counterfeit debit card to pay for a designer belt. In reality, the card was legitimate, and Trayon Christian, 19, was spending his paycheck on a $350 Ferragamo belt because he had the mistaken notion that black nineteen-year-olds are free to spend their own money as they want to, even on luxurious fripperies. Ah, the innocent follies of youth! Doesn’t he know that if you work hard in America, you are free to be understanding when white people make the reasonable assumption that black kids with money are thugs and crimers? Read more on NYPD Arrests Black Kid For Buying Nice Things With Own Money, Proving Value of Hard Work…
  ooh la la

Your Sweetheart Needs Scary Panties For Valentine’s

Wonkers, please to have your Official Reminder that if you want romantic panties (with teeth!) for your damsel for Valentine’s Day, you must order them by anytime tomorrow (Thursday, we guess), in order to get them on time through the US Mails. All right! Good post! Let’s look at what else you can buy for your sweetheart! Read more on Your Sweetheart Needs Scary Panties For Valentine’s…
  it's the final countdown

Order Your Wonket Nonsense Tonight If You Want It In Time For XXX-Mas

Hey lazy. Whatcha doin’? Bein’ lazy? Forgetting to buy shit for all the people you love? Well you are in luck, because the post office informs us that if we get them your packages by tomorrow morning, your sorry ass will have presents under your heathen, Jesus-less, responsible-for-Newtown “holiday tree.” (Also, WE WILL EVEN WRAP THEM, oddly and kind of home-madey, in two colors of tissue paper, with ribbon! If you pay us to.) Right. So. Go here. The end. [WonketteBazaar] Read more on Order Your Wonket Nonsense Tonight If You Want It In Time For XXX-Mas…
  give us all your moneys

All Your Christmas Shopping In One Place, Unless You Have To Buy Stuff For Your Stupid Kids

You will have to go elsewhere for your creepy Elmo dolls (in fact, you probably want to just click that Amazon box in the righthand sidebar so that when Amazon forces your local mom and pop store out of business, at least your local mom and pop website gets a cut). We we do not have a single item for your stupid kids. What do we have? Hats, coffee cups, gift wrap, some other stuff, some more other stuff, and scary underwear. Read more on All Your Christmas Shopping In One Place, Unless You Have To Buy Stuff For Your Stupid Kids…
  shopping with sean

Hannity: Poor People Are Doing Fine Because There Is Enough Rice And Beans To Go Around

Oh, the radio! Fox News doesn’t let Sean Hannity speak lies to the powerless to quite the degree that he would like to, so, on his radio program on Monday, the reigning drunk jock of the airwaves took a call from a man who was trying to explain why he wasn’t convinced he should vote for Mitt Romney. WELL WHY NOT? Said the caller: “I need for you to ask him, when was the last time he went to bed or woke up hungry? You see, this is the part that most Americans can associate with.” (Rude interruptions, disbelief from Hannity.) “See, it’s kind of hard for them to associate with somebody that has never, ever had any financial problems in his life,” the caller continued. Hannity’s response to this is that he himself, Hannity, because this is his show, goddammit, has “never [gone] to bed hungry in my life — ever. Most Americans haven’t.” Read more on Hannity: Poor People Are Doing Fine Because There Is Enough Rice And Beans To Go Around…
  flotus files

Michelle Obama Celebrates 2011 With One Last Fancy Clothes Scandal

The end of the year (world?) can be a good time to reflect on all of the happy times of the last 12 months, like gym sessions with Desmond Tutu, victories in world domination, and whatever is actually going on in this photo. Perhaps it is also an appropriate time to consider the past year’s mistakes and contemplate lessons learned. Not for our FLOTUS, of course, because she is too good for that second thing. She is pretty pleased with 2011 and has decided to close out the year the best way she knows how: in fancy clothes, on an island far away from most of the poor people. Read more on Michelle Obama Celebrates 2011 With One Last Fancy Clothes Scandal…
  2012 can't come quick enough

‘Black Friday’ Champs Walk Over Dying Man To Buy Target Crap

Pepper spray was a-spraying, knives were a-stabbing, guns were a-shooting, muggers were a-mugging, punchers were a-punching — it was a “Black Friday” celebration that truly proved if you’re not a part of the worldwide anti-corporate protests, then you’re actually a very stinky part of the problem. But the Gold Medal in Applied Assjerk Consumerism goes to the shoppers at the Target crap box store in South Charleston, West Virginia: These bargain-crazed mouth-breathing waterheads literally walked over a dying 61-year-old man who collapsed in the aisles. Can we please do an “alternate history swap” and have the Native Americans defeat the Europeans? Please? Read more on ‘Black Friday’ Champs Walk Over Dying Man To Buy Target Crap…
  flotus files

Michelle Obama’s Trip to Target Was Basically a Lie

Our FLOTUS is very fortunate, because there is no Wall Street Insanity, in her world. Michelle Obama lives a much calmer existence, in a place where simple questions (“Where do fat people come from?”) have simple answers (“Arby’s”). So she is sometimes able to spend her time doing enjoyable things, like celebrating her wedding anniversary with Barack Obama, or going to the local Mom-and-Pop Target store to buy toothpaste and iPod accessories for Malia. But does she do these things for real, or for lies? LIES, IT’S ALL LIES is the answer, according to America’s shouting radio and teevee heroes. Why else would Michelle Obama walk around a Target store, besides the obvious reason of deception? Read more on Michelle Obama’s Trip to Target Was Basically a Lie…
  america's great artists

Schmaltz Artist Pulls American Jesus Prints From ‘Liberal’ BYU Shop

Did you hear about liberal hate site “Groupon” sponsoring the racist Donald Trump’s racism? Groupon, you’re fired! What’s next? How about those liberals at the Mormon university? Yeah, how about them? A guy who makes prints of Jesus and the GOP Presidents and the Troops has pulled his precious artworks from the Mormon Church-owned Brigham Young University bookstore because … liberals? Yes. They were too liberal. So now you have to get this kind of art the same way everybody else does: by searching “Never Forget” on Google Images. Read more on Schmaltz Artist Pulls American Jesus Prints From ‘Liberal’ BYU Shop…
  it's morning in america

Pervert Army People Love Watching Bradley Manning Get Naked

Devious Lady GaGa CD-RW terrorist Bradley Manning was charged yesterday with “aiding the enemy,” which is punishable by death. (Hillary Clinton will sit on him until he dies.) In the meantime, the Army has decided that Bradley Manning needs to take off his clothes and then stand around naked in his prison cell for hours, all sexy-like. Why would the Army people force Brad to do this? There’s a perfectly logical explanation, according to a Marine spokesman: “It would be inappropriate for me to explain it … I can confirm that it did happen, but I can’t explain it to you without violating the detainee’s privacy.” In Army Land it’s totally okay to forcibly remove Bradley Manning’s clothes and then leave him naked in a prison cell for seven hours. But explaining why this is okay? Jeebus, that’s a serious violation of the detainee’s privacy! [NYT] Read more on Pervert Army People Love Watching Bradley Manning Get Naked… Read more on Pervert Army People Love Watching Bradley Manning Get Naked…
  soft bigotry of low expectations

Wal-Mart Bringing FOUR Wonderful Wal-Marts To D.C.

The world’s largest retailer for the world’s largest customers, Wal-Mart, has decided to open four stores in the Nation’s Capital. For one (usually good) reason or another — China, jobs, lead poisoning, the destruction of entire American towns — people who have never had to suffer the fate of buying Wal-Mart boxes of corn-syrup Phat Clusterz or Hannah Montana jeggings still claim to despise these superstores. But there’s another reason to hate Wal-Mart, according to the wise leaders of Washington: Poor people are so entranced by the aisles and aisles of shiny junk, they just can’t stop themselves from shoplifting! Read more on Wal-Mart Bringing FOUR Wonderful Wal-Marts To D.C….
  Pretties

Midterm In Style With Sexy New Teabagger Jewelry

Fashionable American daughters of the revolution, do you covet accessories that will please God and the Invisible Hand? Are your crucifix pendants and American flag pins not enough? Then maybe you should pick up a pair of these beautiful, sterling-silver tea bag dingle-dangle earrings and a matching pin, Made in the USA by the metallurgists at Tea Bag Jewelry. Promoting small government has never been so stylish. Read more on Midterm In Style With Sexy New Teabagger Jewelry…
  Gift Guide!

A Children’s Treasury of Mother’s Day Gifts

Mother’s Day is Sunday, May 9 — that’s so soon! For all you procrastinators who haven’t yet decided what to get the beloved babymakers in your lives, here’s a handy-dandy gift guide. These items are all on sale at the exclusive online boutiques CafePress and ZazzleMart and are so much better than flowers, because, like our freedoms, they will never die. So grab your clicky-mouses and your credit cards, and let’s start shopping! Read more on A Children’s Treasury of Mother’s Day Gifts…
  life during wartime

Here Are 30,000 Americans Ready For War

WalMart! There is nothing quite like a blood riot in a WalMart to make you want to go anywhere else, even Afghanistan. Enjoy this footage from “Black Friday,” the magic day in America when the citizens don’t even pretend to be human. [YouTube] Read more on Here Are 30,000 Americans Ready For War…
  our flourishing economy

America Will Become Quaint Haggling Marketplace

Ever go to a quaint marketplace in Mexico or Morocco or maybe some flea market in a sports arena parking lot on Sunday morning and haggle over the myriad gewgaws? That is what shopping in America will be like, next year! Or maybe right now. With 148,000 retail store closures in 2008 and another 73,000 predicted for the first few months of 2009, some 20% of all American shops will be gone. And the ones that remain will basically give you whatever you want for whatever coins in your purse. Read more on America Will Become Quaint Haggling Marketplace…
  annals of real estate

The Bushes Are House Hunting In Dallas!

It’s easy to forget that some other guy was president before the McCain/Obama joint rulership of America began. The other guy’s name was “George Bush,” and he flew around the world dancing with the natives and bombing nonexistent nuke installations. But now that Dick Cheney has tired of operating the chip in his brain, George Bush needs a new place to live, so he has dispatched his wife to investigate every cavernous tacky 7,000-square-foot limestone piece of shit in the greater Dallas area. Let’s explore the possibilities, together. Read more on The Bushes Are House Hunting In Dallas!…
 

Michelle Obama, Fashion Plate

Here is the candidate’s wife at a children’s hospital in Puerto Rico Wednesday, wearing an insane ruffled-collar shirty deal to fend off the malaria. More photos of her towering over the shrimpy citizens of Puerto Rico in fashionable flats after the jump. Read more on Michelle Obama, Fashion Plate…
 

Presidents Day Is For Shopping; Election Day Is For Shopping For Presidents

Are you reading this early Monday morning? Chances are you don’t have the Presidents Day Holiday off from work. Congratulations, because Wonkette has to work, too. Election 2008 will not pause for some pointless remembrance of a couple of dead presidents who founded the country or started the Civil War or whatever. We have cars to buy, on credit, but at some kind of potential discount! (Sorry about everything, George Washington and Abe Lincoln.) [Why Tuesday?] Read more on Presidents Day Is For Shopping; Election Day Is For Shopping For Presidents…
 

Don’t Donate to Charity This Holiday Season

OK everyone, Wonkette is taking the rest of the afternoon off, so you’re free to stop reloading our homepage and go shopping for Christmas or the Jewish thing. (Unless, of course, you went to J.C. Penney at 4 a.m. and are already done.) Just remember: You can buy that Nintendo Wii for your child, or you can buy 20 phones for John McCain. WWJD? Read more on Don’t Donate to Charity This Holiday Season…
 

Be a Bloodthirsty Mercenary, or Look Just Like One!

Yesterday, we brought you the New York Times roundup of crappy campaign swag, an action which virtually guarantees that within a couple of weeks, college campuses will be rife with ironic hipsters strutting around with Huckabee messenger bags. Today’s shopping trip is to the wonderful, wonderful Blackwater store, a shop bursting with a fabulous array of fashions for him, her and baby, too! Read more on Be a Bloodthirsty Mercenary, or Look Just Like One!…
 

To Do: Japan WOW!

* Xiu Xiu at the Rock and Roll Hotel with Casiotone for the Painfully Alone and Shearwater. $12 at 8PM. [R&R Hotel] * U of M professor Benjamin Barber is always on NPR talking about shopping and he’s funny and not sanctimonious. His book is called Consumed. He’ll say “Capitalism has created an adolescent culture rooted in instant gratification” tonight at Politics & Prose. Free at 7PM. [P&P] * “For 500-plus years, the Yamagata area farmers, tradesmen, merchants, and Kasuga Shrine parishioners doubled as actors and progressively infused the performances with the local dialect and outlook to make Kurokawa noh distinctive.” It’s a form of Japanese theater that uses masks. Part of the Smithsonian’s Japan WOW! program, $18 at 6:30PM. [Smithsonian] Read more on To Do: Japan WOW!…