Tag Archives: shooting

  Get Your Bingo Cards Out

Gays, Abortions, Blacks, Oh My! Your Virginia Shooting Tragedy Bingo

Oh, fine. Begin the recitation of stupidity.
Oh, fine. Begin the recitation of stupidity. Wonder why bad things happen to good people? We’ve been scanning the dregs of the wingnuttosphere since Roanoke TV journalists Alison Parker and Adam Ward were shot to death while doing a routine interview Wednesday, and you’ll be astonished at the range of reasons it happened. Or you might be astonished, if you’re new to our great nation and its insane politics. Welcome to America! Here, you’ll want this flak jacket. So why did this terrible thing happen? Here’s a handy roundup! Read more on Gays, Abortions, Blacks, Oh My! Your Virginia Shooting Tragedy Bingo…
  With Liberty And Justice For All Who Survive

Here’s How The Second Amendment Has Prevented Tyranny Lately

Sawed-off shotguns: They're in the Constitution!
Sawed-off shotguns: They’re in the Constitution! While we know guns had nothing to do with the tragedy today that took the lives of Virginia TV station WDBJ reporter Alison Parker and cameraman Adam Ward, in addition to the suicide of the shooter, a disgruntled former employee of the station, we thought we’d mention some other recent deaths in which guns had nothing to do with anything. Because while it’s far too soon to talk about guns in relation to the Virginia murders, maybe it’s not too soon to talk about these other shootings. (We are joking you, of course. It is never the right time to talk about guns.) Read more on Here’s How The Second Amendment Has Prevented Tyranny Lately…
  journalism

How We Will Not Be Talking About The Murder Of Two Virginia Reporters

Their loved ones ask that they be remembered alive and smiling.
Their loved ones ask that they be remembered alive and smiling. This is what we will tell you about the two young TV journalists for Virginia station WDBJ who were shot to death on Wednesday, on air. Reporter Alison Parker had just turned 24, and had celebrated her birthday with her colleague and boyfriend, Chris Hurst. Cameraman Adam Ward, 27, was engaged to the station’s morning producer, Melissa Ott. Read more on How We Will Not Be Talking About The Murder Of Two Virginia Reporters…
  Remember When We Thought Sandy Hook Might Change Something?

TV Reporter And Cameraman Shot To Death On Air, Because America

Two more beneficiaries of unrestricted access to firearms
Two more beneficiaries of unrestricted access to firearms A Virginia TV reporter and cameraman were shot dead on live TV while reporting in Moneta, Virginia, Wednesday morning, and it is definitely too soon to suggest that maybe all the guns floating around the nation are in any way a bad idea, because that would be ghoulish. Not nearly as ghoulish as the fact that WDBJ reporter Alison Parker, 24, and cameraman Adam Ward, 27, were murdered during a fluff interview about tourism with Vicki Gardner, a Chamber of Commerce spokeswoman, at a shopping center, but pretty ghoulish, so let’s not talk about guns, OK? Gardner was injured and is in surgery. Read more on TV Reporter And Cameraman Shot To Death On Air, Because America…
  Clampett Libel?

Armed Idiot Protects Oklahoma Gun Store From Muslims By Shooting Himself

How Not to Protect America
How Not to Protect America In Oktaha, Oklahoma, the owners of a local survivalist shop and gun range decided last week that it was high time to jump on the “Muslim-free zone” gravy train, because there’s a whole lot of ISIS activity in the Muskogee County town (population 390). The owners of the “Save Yourself Survival and Tactical Gear” claim they immediately started receiving death threats — not to mention free publicity — from all over the world after putting up this simple sign in their store window: Read more on Armed Idiot Protects Oklahoma Gun Store From Muslims By Shooting Himself…
  So That's What's The Matter With Kansas

Gov. Sam Brownback Has A Brother, And He Also Blows A Lot

He seems nice
Billy Carter? Roger Clinton? Amateurs! When it comes to embarrassing political siblings, those two are pikers compared to Kansas Gov. Sam Brownback’s brother Jim, according to an in-depth investigative piece published in the Topeka Capitol-Journal Sunday. According to reporter Tim Carpenter, in a lede that sounds like it came from one of the great muckraking stories of yesteryear, neighbors and others who’ve tangled with Jim Brownback say that the governor’s brother has “woven a liquor-infused tapestry of fear colored by intimidation, abuse and lies.” Sounds charming! Read more on Gov. Sam Brownback Has A Brother, And He Also Blows A Lot…
  Getting Pretty Jaded About Jade Helm

Schmuck Shoots At Jade Helm Troops, Thwarts Obama’s Invasion Of Mississippi (Updated)

Good ol' '50s MAD
[Update: New developments; see end of post] An unidentified idiot with a gun fired shots at soldiers training near Camp Shelby, Mississippi, who were taking part in the Jade Helm 15 training exercise that has so many wingnuts exercised; nobody was hurt, but the suspect is still at large. Read more on Schmuck Shoots At Jade Helm Troops, Thwarts Obama’s Invasion Of Mississippi (Updated)…
  greetings from america’s limp penis!

It Was A Bad Week To Go To The Grocery Store: Your Florida Roundup

Florida, for all of its many demerits, has one thing going for it: Publix, a chain of truly excellent grocery stores that stretches throughout the Southeast (Protip: There is no sub quite like a Publix deli sub). But every so often, the reality of Florida creeps in to this paradise of sundries. Exhibit A: The above fight in an Orlando Publix aisle, over, well, very Florida things: Read more on It Was A Bad Week To Go To The Grocery Store: Your Florida Roundup…
  Florida Men

Fellow Gun-Humper Who Shot At George Zimmerman Just ‘Standing His Ground,’ What A Surprise

A true work of naive American art and his painting
For the “Well, Of Course, It Had To Happen” files today, we learn the attorney for Matthew Apperson, the guy who shot at American Second Amendment hero George Zimmerman last month, is planning on using a “stand your ground” defense, since it’s Florida and everybody needs to stand their ground before the Atlantic Ocean swallows the whole state. Read more on Fellow Gun-Humper Who Shot At George Zimmerman Just ‘Standing His Ground,’ What A Surprise…
  Naked Aggression

Butt Ass Nekkid Michigan State Senator Shoots Up Ex-Wife’s Car, May Have Issues

You see what happens when you feed a stoner scrambled eggs?!
A confrontation between a naked Michigan state senator and his ex-wife in the wee hours of Sunday morning made for competing narratives and movie references this weekend. Did Virgil Smith attack his former spouse after an argument when she showed up at his Detroit home at 1 in the morning, or did she fly into a rage and attack Smith’s girlfriend? And in either scenario, was it really necessary for Smith to shoot the hell out of his ex’s Mercedes? (No, it was not.) Are we watching Rashomon, The Big Lebowski, or the worst mashup ever? Read more on Butt Ass Nekkid Michigan State Senator Shoots Up Ex-Wife’s Car, May Have Issues…
  Department Of Predictable Outcomes

Somebody Shot George Zimmerman, Let’s Speculate Why

Was Zimmerman targeted for Loving Freedom Too Much?
In breaking “Everyone saw This Coming” news, we learn that Second Amendment Hero George Zimmerman suffered minor injuries in a shooting incident Monday afternoon in Lake Mary, Florida. Lake Mary Police Chief Steve Bracknell said that Zimmerman was not badly hurt in the incident, which apparently involved Zimmerman and one other man. News video shot from a helicopter showed a bullet hole in the passenger-side window of Zimmerman’s pickup. Read more on Somebody Shot George Zimmerman, Let’s Speculate Why…
  You'd Think Hate And Rage Would Bring People Together More

First And Second Amendments In Battle To Death As A**holes Shoot Up Texan Anti-Islam Event

She seems nice
A bunch of anti-Muslim extremists in Texas were attacked by a couple of Muslim extremists yesterday, proving that America needs to take much more extreme measures to protect itself from Muslim extremists. In the Dallas suburb of Garland, Texas, the charming folks of the “American Freedom Defense Initiative,” Pam Geller’s happy band of Islamophobes, were holding a widely publicized contest to find the bestest possible cartoon of the prophet Mohammed — a $10,000 prize to the cartoon that best captured what Islamophobes think is funny — when two men drove up and shot an unarmed security guard in the ankle; Garland police officers returned fire, killing the attackers immediately. Read more on First And Second Amendments In Battle To Death As A**holes Shoot Up Texan Anti-Islam Event…
  Aggravated Doing Unto Others

Christian End Times Family Band Gunfighting With Cops For The Lord

C'mon Get Raptured!
Several members of a Christian family band from Boise, Idaho, got into a brawl and gunfight with police in a Walmart parking lot in Cottonwood, Arizona, on Saturday night, leaving one member of the family dead and the rest in police custody. The group, which called itself “Matthew 24 Now” (GET IT???*) looked forward to the coming End Times, and apparently felt the need to hurry up the schedule a little when they attacked police and fired on them. Maybe they just loved the smell of cordite in the evening. Read more on Christian End Times Family Band Gunfighting With Cops For The Lord…
  Maybe More Guns Would Help?

Fox News: Eric Holder Really Should NOT Have Shot Those Cops In Ferguson!

The other chyron for the story: 'Street Justice: Police officers shot in wake of DOJ Report'
While two police officers were still hospitalized after being shot in Ferguson, Missouri, early Thursday morning (they have since been released), and police have no suspects, Fox News and other rightwing sources have identified the true culprits: Attorney General Eric Holder and everyone who’s ever protested against police brutality. Read more on Fox News: Eric Holder Really Should NOT Have Shot Those Cops In Ferguson!…
  People Are Horrible: An Ongoing Series

Idiot Atheist Murders Three Muslim Students In NC; Conservatives Are Greatest Victims

Retroactive Christians
Congratulations, America, we have a whole new terrible murder to turn into a debating point in the Culture Wars! And just to mix things up a bit, the victims were three Muslim students (all of them apparently smart over-achievers who should have had beautiful lives ahead of them), and the accused killer is described variously as an “atheist,” a “radical atheist,” or a “crazed progressive atheist.” Read more on Idiot Atheist Murders Three Muslim Students In NC; Conservatives Are Greatest Victims…
  We're Fresh Out Of Kittens Sorry

Who Are We Shooting This Week? Oh, It’s Girl Scouts!

The problem isn't guns, of course. It's never guns.
So let’s get straight to the good-ish news: Nine-year-old Sinai (pronounced “sih-NYE”) Miller, who was hit by a stray bullet from a drive-by shooting Tuesday while selling Girl Scout Cookies in Indianapolis, is going to be fine. You know, as fine as a 9-year-old girl can be after a gunshot wound to the leg. Also, people are ordering cookies from her Girl Scout troop like crazy, because that dizzy optimist Anne Frank was right about most people being good at heart, and if you can’t make it so a nine-year-old girl becomes un-shot, at least you can buy some goddamned cookies. It’s a profoundly decent useless gesture, which is about what we’re reduced to when we can’t really be shocked by a kid in a poor neighborhood catching a bullet. Read more on Who Are We Shooting This Week? Oh, It’s Girl Scouts!…