Everybody thought Rahm Emanuel was going to be such a hard-ass mobster for Barack Obama, but the actual strategy seems to involve Rahm personally saving people all over Washington every day, until everybody in town literally owes their life to Rahm. The superhero chief of staff saved a congressman yesterday, and not just any congressman, either — Emanuel saved the Republican now representing Tom DeLay’s old district! MORE »

Do not despair, jobless people! You’re not alone. Several members of Congress who lost their positions in the 2008 elections have yet to find gainful employment, and perennial loser Alberto Gonzales also remains at loose ends because George Bush was the only person left in America who would hire him. MORE »

Beloved pretend congresslady Shelley “Dracula Cunt” Sekula Gibbs lost her hundredth straight election the other day — losing a GOP primary runoff to some nobody — and now her dreams and even this sign are in the garbage, forever, along with an empty bottle of $2.99 “Barefoot Chardonnay” and some type of (Nazi?) lager bottle and enough coat hangers for a hundred Texas abortions. Farewell, sweet rodeo princess of our heart! Photo courtesy of Wonkette Operative “John.”

After a valiant and hard-fought campaign, former pretend Congresswoman and full-time nutbag Shelley Sekula Gibbs lost to some joker named Pete Olson last night in a primary runoff for Texas’ 22nd Congressional district. Thus marks the close of another chapter in the fascinating political saga of a woman so beloved by her would-be consituents that one voter called her “DraculaCunt.” MORE »

Nobody likes former pretend Congresswoman Shelley Sekula Gibbs: not her staff, who walked out on her shortly after she came into Congress in 2006 for her seven-week reign of terror as Tom DeLay’s replacement; not the voters, who opted for Democrat Nick Lampson that year rather than suffer the agonies of spelling her name correctly on a write-in ballot; and not even her fellow Republicans, who now heartily endorse her opponent in Texas’ 22nd District run-off. Even Senator John Cornyn, the most vile, slithering, odious thing to come out of Texas since the Barton Springs Salamander, prefers candidate Pete Olson over DraculaCunt’s sorry ass. MORE »

Even if our coveted Wonkette endorsement failed to put Chris Peden over the top, we are delighted to think we had a hand in Dr. Shelley “Dracula Cunt” Sekula Gibbs’ miraculous comeback in last night’s primary. Dr. Gibbs once served in Congress as Tom DeLay’s replacement for seven glorious weeks, and now the voters of Texas’ 22nd Congressional District have said loud and clear: Seven More Weeks! MORE »

Former fake Texas Congresswoman Shelley “Dracula Cunt” Sekula Gibbs won an election, once: it was a “special” election to determine who would warm Tom DeLay’s old seat when he resigned in shame. For seven glorious weeks she served our nation, and then there was a normal election, and she lost horribly to a Democrat named “Slick Nick” Lampson. She vowed never to give up on America, and today America can show it has not given up on her by voting for her crazy ass in the 22nd Congressional District primary. MORE »

What is the best possible news to start your late Friday morning with? How’s this: DraculaCunt’s back! Shelley Sekula-Gibbs, Congresswoman for seven of the best weeks of our lives, revolutionized social security and revamped the entire tax code during her brief congressional tenure, filling in for Tim DeLay before actually-elected replacement Nick Lampson got to town. She also pissed off DeLay’s staff so much that they all quit en masse. Ever since she left DC she’s been promising to return, and a Wonkette operative reveals that the DraculaCunt ‘08 campaign is already underway: MORE »

Shelley Sekula-Gibbs was maybe, just maybe, the greatest member of the 109th Congress. Elected to serve the remainder of Tom DeLay’s term, she spent her couple weeks in Washington alienating all of Tom’s staff, promising to reform the entire tax code, speaking on the floor of the House countless times to an empty chamber, and opening an investigation into her staff after they all quit. Perhaps most movingly, we remember the love she had for her district, and the love they showed her back; one of the votes that helped Shelley to her all-too-brief victory, remember was a write-in for “DraculaCunt,” which remains the greatest name in politics since Buddy Cianci’s daughter Nancy Ann. MORE »

As the living sometimes visit the graves of the dead, we stopped by six-week congresswoman Shelley “Dracula Cunt” Sekula Gibbs’ website and discovered the amazing truth. She’s still in Congress, having kept Tom DeLay’s old House district in Republican hands after all!

Dear Friends,
Thank you for helping KEEP 22 REPUBLICAN!

Back on Earth, this is what actually happened: Dracula Cunt ran in the special election to fill DeLay’s seat for the last six weeks of the 109th Congress, but her name couldn’t be on the General Election ballot because DeLay had won the GOP primary before he quit. Democrat Nick Lampson — who handily won the general and was sworn in last month — didn’t file to appear on the Special ballot, even though polls showed he was going to beat her by 8 points. Oh, and the General & Special elections were held at the same time. The RNC spent nothing on her campaign, she was caught hassling voters at a polling place, and then she arrived in Washington where DeLay’s old staff walked out en masse, cuz she’s psychotic. Come back soon, Shelley!

Shelley “Dracula Cunt” Sekula Gibbs may have lost the previously safe Republican seat in Tom DeLay’s Texas congressional district, but that doesn’t mean she wasn’t a fabulous pretend congresswoman for those last few days of the 109th before the actual elected congressman took over this month.

How do we know? Because the loon sent out a press release proudly noting her “perfect attendance record.” Oh, and she took part in 25 roll-call votes. We look forward to the 2012 opening of the Dracula Cunt House Offices Building.

Read the whole bizarre document, after the jump.

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