Tag Archives: sexytime

  Why does he hate America ALLEGEDLY?

Disgraced Gen. Petraeus Might Go To Prison For Being A Sexytime SPY!

Totally worth it
Don’t you just hate when you get caught sexing a lady what is not your wife and pillow-talking all of America’s classified secrets to her? Oh, you don’t do that? Then you are not ex-hero Gen. David Petraeus, who used to be America’s greatest patriot for winning ALL THE WARS and then being the boss of the CIA until resigning in disgrace for, oops, being a total disgrace to his country and himself, OOPS! Read more on Disgraced Gen. Petraeus Might Go To Prison For Being A Sexytime SPY!…
  the gods are smiling on us

Larry ‘Wide Stance’ Craig Is Back! And Guilty! Again!

Life is full of important lessons. Look both ways before crossing the street. If you are a professional sportsball player, don’t domestic violence a woman on video. Ladies, don’t get raped. And today, we learn a political lesson: If you are a closeted Republican politician soliciting anonymous gay sex in airport bathrooms, you CANNOT use campaign funds to try to reverse your guilty plea. Who knew?!? Read more on Larry ‘Wide Stance’ Craig Is Back! And Guilty! Again!…
  Here have some news n stuff

Your Penis Evolved To Pleasure The Females. It’s Science.

Oh, just EVERYTHING
We have f-bombs, stolen cars, everlasting love, and not just SCIENCE!, but sexytime SCIENCE! Smart vaginas? Penis bones? Oh yeah, you know you want to learn about that. So get out of bed, sleepyhead, and pour yourself a cuppa, because do we ever have some news you can maybe use for you? Yes. Yes we do. Read more on Your Penis Evolved To Pleasure The Females. It’s Science….
  the sweetest taboo

Mississippi School District Thinks Sex Is Like A Box Of Dirty Sticky Used-Up Chocolates

We do not need to tell you that abstinence-based sex education — or no sex education at all — does not work, mostly because you are all people that (1) are not teenagers and (2) can’t keep it in your pants anyway. In past years, the great state of Mississippi taught next to nothing about sexytime, which has led to absurdly high rates of teen pregnancy. Mississippi has one of the highest teen pregnancy rates in the country, with 50 births per 1,000 females aged 15 to 19 in 2011 — compared with 31 per 1,000 nationally. A third of all babies born in Mississippi are to teenage mothers. That is depressing! The business community thought so too, so got the Mississippi legislature to pass a law requiring some — ANY — kind of sex ed in school. Of course, with that much latitude, everything went awry and teens found themselves sitting in class passing chocolate candy around so they could see how dirty the candy got, just like a lady gets filthy when she is passed around by the menz. Read more on Mississippi School District Thinks Sex Is Like A Box Of Dirty Sticky Used-Up Chocolates…
  worst book-of-the-month selection ever

Exciting New Book Allows You To Imagine Sexing Michele Bachmann While Freezing To Death

Not gonna lie. We’re big fans of the whole digital revolution thingy, because it means you give us monies to read our blog. Also, too, porn on the internet is so much easier to get than having to steal our dad’s copy of Hustler from between the mattress and the boxspring. We are not in love with all of the digital enterprising though no we are not! Self- or quasi-self published ebooks can often be a blight upon humanity and dear god now they’ve given us a sexytime book about Michele Bachmann and we think we want to die. Read more on Exciting New Book Allows You To Imagine Sexing Michele Bachmann While Freezing To Death…
  sometimes a slap's like a kiss

No, Old Handsome Joe Biden Is Not Cool With You Slapping Your Lady (Unless It Is A Sexy Slap)

The sophisticated gentlemens of National Review Online are really, most terribly sorry for maligning our Old Handsome Joe Biden, God Love Him and Keep Him. But why are they sorry? They are sorry they are so bad at Tubechop that it was even clear to BreitbartTV that they had cut him off in the middle of the sentence. And that sentence was: We’ve learned that certain behaviors on the part of an abuser portend much more danger than other behaviors. For example, if an abuser has attempted to strangle his victim, if he has threatened to shoot her, if he has sexually assaulted her, and there’s a number of other signs, about eight others. These are tell-tale signs to say this isn’t your garden-variety slap across the face[.] Obviously, they left off the part where Joe winks, flashes those pearly whites, and murmurs huskily, “unless she’s into that.” Haha, no, he did not say that either. He said some dumb boring thing about “and that’z not okay.” Read more on No, Old Handsome Joe Biden Is Not Cool With You Slapping Your Lady (Unless It Is A Sexy Slap)…
  girls to do the dishes girls to clean up my room

Hey Ladies! GOP To Solve Budget Impasse By Taking Away Your Birth Control (Again)

Guess what? We’re a mere three weeks away from yet another government shutdown battle! You’re probably not tired of them yet because they’re SO MUCH FUN and not tedious or stressful at all, amirite? These cuts come on top of the sequester cuts, though to be honest our main problem with the sequester right now is stupid sequester jokes: snowquester, daylight savings time = sequester cuts, etc. Stop doing that. Stop retweeting those things. Just stop it. What were we talking about? Oh, right, how the Republicans are going to solve the budget by banning your birth control, gain. Read more on Hey Ladies! GOP To Solve Budget Impasse By Taking Away Your Birth Control (Again)…
  cape not pictured

Cory Booker Will Bring You Some Blankets in His Sexxy New Tumblr

Those shameless libruls are at it again, making jokes about your teenage daughters and black men and THE SEXING. Only this time, these concepts are being strategically interwoven into a new hawt Tumblr, “Cory Booker Hey Girl” (much more sneaky than two short weeks ago, when Lena Dunham explained the importance of losing one’s virginity to Barack Obama in a polling booth). Perhaps you are familiar with this sort of Tumblr, because like any responsible American citizen, you harbor unrequited romantic feelings for actor Ryan Gosling. This new rendition of “Hey Girl” begs the question, “Sure, Ryan Gosling captured your heart when he ended racism by dancing in the ‘Remember the Titans’ locker room, but did he invite you into his living room to charge your iPhone?” Read more on Cory Booker Will Bring You Some Blankets in His Sexxy New Tumblr…
  fluffers

Hilariously Delusional Geraldo Rivera Thinks TSA Agent Wanted To Sex Him

So, what’s today’s latest comically over-the-top story from a libertarian/Republican who pretends to care about TSA on righteous civil liberties grounds but mostly wants it privatized and deunionized? Oooh, Geraldo, on Fox & Friends. Well yeah? These always involve the grossest old men suggesting, oddly, that some employee who’s just trying to get through the day wanted to fuck them. Rivera actually helps us out, by saying, “I think there is a lot of merit in people who say it should be re-privatized.” Oh, do you? “I don’t necessarily endorse that” — of course not! — “…but I tell you the last time I flew to Afghanistan I got manually raped by a guy who – the scanner wasn’t working…” He means at the airport; but we can only hope that he got manually raped by a guy while in Afghanistan, too. Read more on Hilariously Delusional Geraldo Rivera Thinks TSA Agent Wanted To Sex Him…
  sexytime

Nation’s Sexiest Supervisor in Meth-Fueled Sex-Tape Sexytime

Do you see that lady? She is Nadia Lockyer, Alameda County, California, supervisor. Do you see that man? That is her husband, California state Treasurer Bill Lockyer. We know, right? So you could maybe understand why she has been having (allegedly) meth-feuled sex-tape sexytime with some dude she met in rehab (because of course), and then she (allegedly) straight-up beat that dude’s ass when it looked like he was still boning other ladies. Read more on Nation’s Sexiest Supervisor in Meth-Fueled Sex-Tape Sexytime…
  snowbilly book news

Todd Palin’s Alleged Prostitute Releasing Exciting Book About Sex With Todd Palin

Somehow, the Wasilla gravy train has finally run out of steam. What else can explain Todd Palin’s alleged Wasilla mistress/prostitute not getting a six-figure book deal for her story? America has finally grown tired of Sarah Palin and her snowbilly family’s oxycontin exploits. But, just in case you need a final dose, be sure to buy the hawt new paperback Boys Will Be Boys by Shailey Tripp. (Tripp?) Read more on Todd Palin’s Alleged Prostitute Releasing Exciting Book About Sex With Todd Palin…
  yeeeeessshhhh

Newt Gingrich Wishes You A Very Disgusting Valentine’s Day

Wait, wait, we’ll tell you all about Newt Gingrich’s plans to get laid tonight in just a second — that is what you all want to read about, right? — but first: This Newt Gingrich “Valentine’s Day attack site,” Liberals Love Romney. It points out that Romney and various liberal men are gay for each other, which is hardly news. See it? There’s Al Gore, there’s Barack Obama, there’s George Soros, there’s Saul Alinsky. Oh, a lady — she needs to leave. It’s going to be a great Valentine’s night for Mitt Romney, according to this dumb Newt Gingrich website. What’s in store for Gingrich himself? Just go ahead and vomit now, to get it out of the way. Read more on Newt Gingrich Wishes You A Very Disgusting Valentine’s Day…
  mormon porn

Prissy Mitt Romney Loves Hawt Sexy Porno Money

Mitt Romney has so many children, he must like sexytime at least a little bit, right? No. Mitt Romney is so prim and sexless, his wife actually had to “be the man” when they made the pregnancies. (Weird religious stuff, never mind.) But Mitt Romney does love money! It is the only thing he has ever loved, in fact. This is why he will take piles of dirty porn money from the publisher of sexy 1970s magazine Penthouse. Which still exists? Read more on Prissy Mitt Romney Loves Hawt Sexy Porno Money…
  m4m

CPAC Once Again Full of Self-Hating Gay Men Hunting For Gay Sex

Like every year at CPAC time, the “no strings attached” sex Internet is busy busy busy with self-hating closeted homosexual Republican men who like to take a break from cheering on homophobic bible clods by going back to the hotel with a discreet dude who wants to give/receive some oral, “maybe more with the right guy,” etc. Republican homosexuals are so predictable! Read more on CPAC Once Again Full of Self-Hating Gay Men Hunting For Gay Sex…
  police state sleazebags

Sketchy ‘Activist’ Trying To Sex You Is Just an Undercover Cop, Probably

Do you like to protest against the 1% and also rage against the machine and also find sex partners at the various activist actions? WATCH OUT, and not just for the usual reasons of venereal disease and having some dude never leave your couch. Undercover police are increasingly being given orders to have sexytime with young, sexy activists. Totally legal, at least in England, right now! (So Obama probably already made it “legal” in America, with a “signing statement.”) Read more on Sketchy ‘Activist’ Trying To Sex You Is Just an Undercover Cop, Probably…
  so that's how twitter makes money

Herman Cain Hilariously Spending $$$ Trying To Distract Twitter Users

Hilarious has-been dumblebore Herman Cain will have to drop out of the “anybody but Romney” GOP primary because he has a very busy penis. But in the meantime, what better way to piss away all of his campaign donations than by purchasing a “promoted Tweet” that will sit proudly atop 10,000 Herman Cain sexytime jokes? [Twitter] Read more on Herman Cain Hilariously Spending $$$ Trying To Distract Twitter Users…