Tag: sex toys

Donald Trump Makes Last Minute Booty Call To Anti-Vaxxers

Greetings, fellow election sufferers. It's time once more for the Snake Oil Bulletin! We have a shortened bulletin this week because this election has left us emotionally drained, and if we have to continue writing about the ongoing awful...

10 Things You Can Masturbate With When President Ted Cruz Outlaws Dildos

Earlier today, we learned that during Ted Cruz's days as the solicitor general of Texas, he and his team fought long and hard to ban the sale of "dildos, artificial vaginas, and other obscene devices." This will likely put those...
Hold on, hold on, still thinkin' ...

Ted Cruz Knows Dildos Are Slippery Slope To Banging Your Sister

<a href="http://wonkette.com/600562/good-christian-girls-riding-dildos-straight-to-hell"></a>Tuesday, we told you about a disturbing trend Astrogliding its way across America, wherein otherwise pure Christian lady humans are losing their Christian salvation by playing with dildos all the time. If only somebody was willing to ride...

Good Christian Girls Riding Dildos Straight To Hell

Listen, sisters in Christ, we need to talk. Have you thought about, if you were to die right this second, where you would spend eternity? Will you get to sit in Jesus's lap while He tells you all the...
Much more fun than dumb old dinosaur bones.

Did You Misplace Your Dildo During The 18th Century? If So, Good News!

They found it! You're not getting it back, though, so don't rush out for a bottle of lube yet. Yes, archaeologists have discovered a very well-preserved 250-year-old dildo in an old latrine in Gdańsk, Poland. It is very ... well, it's...

Michigan Hairdresser Burns Down Porn Shop For Jesus

We were just saying that we wanted to find a Funny to write about for Friday afternoon, and HERE is a funny for you. Actually, it is not all funny, because the owners of the Hollywood Nights porn shop...
And these are just the ones on the cover of the catalog...

Florida (Congress) Man: Texas Is So Crazy, You Can’t Even Have All The Dildos

How much are we enjoying the Epic Battle between Florida and Texas, to determine which state is more nutso? Oh, all the much. And now it involves sex toys, so we are REALLY getting off on this fight. It started...

Swedish Sex Toy Company Offers New Exclusive Way For Bankers To F*k Themselves

Business Insider reports Swedish fuckstick maker Lelo has a new product exclusively for bankers, for whom your standard neoprene (?) 18-inch black double-donger just isn't sexclusive enough. Here's why, from the company: "Many bankers want more from their profession and their...
Don't act like you're not impressed

Kansas Lets Its Freak Flag Fly

The horses are thoroughly spooked in Kansas, where the Westboro Baptist Church is turning over a new leaf just in time for a giant state-sanctioned dildo sale. Local sources say it's still unclear whether a state-sanctioned dildo sale is...

Obama Desecrates Reagan’s Adulthood Home With Solar Panels Because He Is A Dumb Hippie

So we all know that President B. Barry Bamz hates St. Ronald Reagan, right? It is clear, established fact that everything Nobummer does is directly related to desecrating the memory of Reagan's lifetime of achievements. Remember when Obama was...

Congressional Candidate Regrets Sucking Reindeer Dildo

There is, remarkably, a 28-year-old woman who is running for Congress from Virginia named Krystal Ball (JESUS CHRIST, BAD PARENTS). As we have, apparently, noted in the past, this woman is quite attractive, in terms of fornication. But we...

Wonkette Gift Guide Preview: Obama Dildo!

Unlike our amoral right-wing friends, here at Wonkette we don't start the War on Xmas until after Thanksgiving (Cyber-Sex Thursday). But here's a special preview of the kind of trash you can expect to find in our annual War...

Retirees Present Sarah Palin With Enormous Phallus

Vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin visited some tragic retirement community in Florida on Sunday to receive the ceremonial Giant Pink Dildo of Fate. It is considered "safe" because it does not contain melamine. Thanks to Mark for bringing this...

The Real Winner In Texas: Sex Toys

Life With Cheney Now Even Creepier