Tag Archives: sex toys

  This IS TOO an important story shut up

Did You Misplace Your Dildo During The 18th Century? If So, Good News!

Much more fun than dumb old dinosaur bones.
They found it! You’re not getting it back, though, so don’t rush out for a bottle of lube yet. Yes, archaeologists have discovered a very well-preserved 250-year-old dildo in an old latrine in Gdańsk, Poland. It is very … well, it’s very unique! We always wondered what people in the 1700s sticked up their sex holes (no we didn’t), but now we know! According to Discovery News, that clam pounder right there is big and girthy and it’s “made of leather filled with bristles, and has a wooden tip.” That sounds … kind of painful? But hey, it was the 1700s, you ram your junk with the technology you have, not the technology you wish you had. Read more on Did You Misplace Your Dildo During The 18th Century? If So, Good News!…
  on fire for the Lord

Michigan Hairdresser Burns Down Porn Shop For Jesus

We were just saying that we wanted to find a Funny to write about for Friday afternoon, and HERE is a funny for you. Actually, it is not all funny, because the owners of the Hollywood Nights porn shop in Kalamazoo, Michigan, lost everything when a local “hair designer” (we guess that is one step above “hair decorator”) named Mitchell Hapner grabbed an ax and did the Lord’s Work of burning a sexxx store to the ground. Local Michigan news source WOOD-TV (ha ha ha ha ha) reports: Read more on Michigan Hairdresser Burns Down Porn Shop For Jesus…
  Sex Farm. Kansas

Kansas Lets Its Freak Flag Fly

Don't act like you're not impressed
The horses are thoroughly spooked in Kansas, where the Westboro Baptist Church is turning over a new leaf just in time for a giant state-sanctioned dildo sale. Local sources say it’s still unclear whether a state-sanctioned dildo sale is part of the National Socialist platform, but the facts are clear, according to the Kansas City Star. Read more on Kansas Lets Its Freak Flag Fly…
  suck it reagan

Obama Desecrates Reagan’s Adulthood Home With Solar Panels Because He Is A Dumb Hippie

So we all know that President B. Barry Bamz hates St. Ronald Reagan, right? It is clear, established fact that everything Nobummer does is directly related to desecrating the memory of Reagan’s lifetime of achievements. Remember when Obama was going to tear down Reagan’s childhood home using only his testicles as wrecking balls? Well apparently desecrating Reagan’s childhood home was not enough, and Obama has to go and try to wreck Reagan’s adulthood home, per WaPo: The White House has completed installing solar panels on the First Family’s residence, a process it started back in 2010. Next thing you know, he will acknowledge the existence of AIDS or something!  Read more on Obama Desecrates Reagan’s Adulthood Home With Solar Panels Because He Is A Dumb Hippie…
  island of misfit sex toys

Congressional Candidate Regrets Sucking Reindeer Dildo

There is, remarkably, a 28-year-old woman who is running for Congress from Virginia named Krystal Ball (JESUS CHRIST, BAD PARENTS). As we have, apparently, noted in the past, this woman is quite attractive, in terms of fornication. But we wrote that before photos showed up on the Internet of her fellating a Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer dildo on her then-husband’s face at a Christmas party. Will Krystal Ball be the first dildo-fellating member of Congress? No, certainly not! Probably every current member of Congress has done this. But it’s still fun to see, right? Especially when there are quite a few of these photos? Read more on Congressional Candidate Regrets Sucking Reindeer Dildo…
  it's beginning to look a lot like the war on xmas

Wonkette Gift Guide Preview: Obama Dildo!

Unlike our amoral right-wing friends, here at Wonkette we don’t start the War on Xmas until after Thanksgiving (Cyber-Sex Thursday). But here’s a special preview of the kind of trash you can expect to find in our annual War on Xmas Gift Guide: Oh hey, it’s an Obama Dildo, so you can, uh, practice your love. Read more on Wonkette Gift Guide Preview: Obama Dildo!…
  gag gifts

Retirees Present Sarah Palin With Enormous Phallus

Vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin visited some tragic retirement community in Florida on Sunday to receive the ceremonial Giant Pink Dildo of Fate. It is considered “safe” because it does not contain melamine. Thanks to Mark for bringing this throbbing 4-foot penis to our attention. UPDATE: Read more on Retirees Present Sarah Palin With Enormous Phallus…
 

The Real Winner In Texas: Sex Toys

We’ve been so busy with the crucial Chris Peden/Paultards and Obama/Hillary races that we totally neglected to write about the true winners in Texas: People who like to legally own their various dildos and sex devices. A federal appeals court in amoral New Orleans has finally made it legal for Texans to own a half-dozen erotic toys. The ruling was announced on Valentine’s Day, which is super romantic. Read more on The Real Winner In Texas: Sex Toys…
 

Fighting for Our Rights in Alabama

John W. Rogers has served for 25 years in the Alabama House of Representatives and he wants to help “[bring] the state into the 20th century” by helping Alabamans of diverse backgrounds , um, come together (or separately, depending on their interests). He’s introduced for the second time a bill to eliminate the ban on the sale of sex toys in the state. That ban recently survived a first amendment challenge at the U.S. Supreme Court and the death of a Baptist preacher in Cocktober which showed the state that banning their sale prevents no one – including preachers – from shoving dildoes up their butts while hogtied and wearing two wetsuits. Read more on Fighting for Our Rights in Alabama…
 

Life With Cheney Now Even Creepier

The intrigue never stops at Dick Cheney’s Official Residence: found leather c***ring at Naval Observatory – m4mReply to: pers-247511078@craigslist.orgDate: 2006-12-11, 5:43PM ESTif you “lost” the leather c***ring with the brass snaps in the bathroom of Bldg 56 of the Naval Observatory, contact me to reclaim. i’m dying to know who you are. Missed Connections [Craigslist]Earlier: Inside the Monster’s Lair: Cheney Residence Fotos! Read more on Life With Cheney Now Even Creepier…
 

Rumors On The Internets: The Five Letter “F” Word

Foley’s replacement on the GOP ticket in Florida has never even heard of himself. [TPMMuckraker] It wasn’t just teenage boys. Mark Foley also liked to “cut open illegal Ecuadorian immigrants and fuck their still pumping aortas.” [Rude Pundit] Read more on Rumors On The Internets: The Five Letter “F” Word…
 

Rumors On The Internets: Bush In Your Tush

George Bush wants to stick all 4 inches of his ” fat headed stub” into your ass, and not like metaphorically over gas prices or anything. [Fleshbot] Osama Bin Laden totally not dead, just filming new episodes for this season’s Survivor: Waziristan. [Stop The ACLU] Read more on Rumors On The Internets: Bush In Your Tush…
 

Matt Drudge Enjoys His Job

Drudge got us all excited there for a second: And then we scrolled down the page: Matt, you’re such a tease! Drudge Report Special forces to use strap-on ‘stealth wings’ [Daily Mail] Read more on Matt Drudge Enjoys His Job…
 

Don’t They Have Anything Better To Do in South Carolina?

Intentionally or not, the AP article is full of double entendres. Here’s a quote from sex shop employee Wanda Gillespie (parentheses courtesy of the AP): “I know of multiple marriages that sex toys have sold because some people need that. The people who are riding us (the adult novelty industry) so hard are probably at home buying it….” Read more on Don’t They Have Anything Better To Do in South Carolina?…