Wonkette

“Finland” is a magical place where you get charged $103,000 for speeding, everyone looks like an orange muppet, and people send each other dirty text messages in Finnish all day long on their Nokia phones, which are issued to them by the State when they lose their virginity at age 5. In this sense, Foreign Minister Ilkka Kanerva is just an ordinary Finn! But in other ways he is even more hilarious. MORE »

The infamous Room 871 in D.C.’s fancy Mayflower Hotel has been expunged from the nation’s memory. Where once we might have witnessed the tender love shenanigans of sweet Jersey girl and a space muppet by the name of Eliot Spitzer, we now find just a door without a room number. Who is responsible for this outrage? MORE »

Today Eliot Spitzer ends the nation’s agony by quitting the New York governorship, which we all knew he was going to do. Stay with us as we write through all 30 seconds of his sad quitter speech! MORE »

One eagle-eyed Wonkette reader points out that there seems to be some sort of uniform for these events. [AP Photos]

At least one FOX News anchor is a little peeved that Gov. Spitzer had to stir up this ruckus when there’s an important primary happening in Mississippi tomorrow. And now he has gone and addressed the nation without anybody having the chance to record it. This is pretty much the kind of behavior you’d expect from a whoring whoremonger. [FOX News]

Yes Governor Spitzer (D-NY) is widely expected to resign from his hallowed office because he sexed ladies for money! America will always remember him fondly for being one of the first brave Democrats to reclaim hypocritical sex scandals from the Republicans. [FOX News]

Hey, remember back in the day four million years ago when a gal named Ana Marie Cox edited this humble publication, and she followed, outed, and interviewed a Hill aide who went by the name “Washingtonienne” and who had lots of anal sex and other kinds of sex that she wrote about on her blog called Washingtonienne? Yes, those were more innocent days when something as simple as a young heterosexual woman having sex with a variety of males could set the world on fire. Let’s take a trip down memory lane…a trip that ends on the Straight Talk Express! MORE »

In a rare display of political hypocrisy, a longtime Republican lawmaker has resigned today after child pornography was discovered on his computer. Can you imagine such a thing? Let’s meet Maryland Delegate Robert A. McKee, 58, a 29-year state representative with a proud record of fighting sex offenders. We believe the appropriate metaphor here would be “textbook.” MORE »

Cast your mind back to the days before Barack Obama was our President. Do you remember that time in 2004 when he ran for the Senate? And how his first opponent dropped out because the guy wanted to see his alien wife having sex in public? And then Alan Keyes threw his hat in the ring, giving the American public the gift of 86 days of unadulterated crazy? Good times! MORE »

When all of the sex talk in an election year surrounds the gender of one of the presidential candidates, you know something is horribly wrong. Thankfully, the Massachusetts governor’s office has offered up one of its own in what we hope to be the first in many exciting sex scandals in this winter of our discumtent (hat tip to reader Caspar Weinberger — that’s your real name, right?). Steam rooms, $500-a-night Florida resorts, and 15-year-olds, after the jump! MORE »

The votes are in! No, not in your silly American primary election; I’m talking about The Foreigns, who got one look at last week Malaysian sex tape scandal and voted with their cameras, genitals, and fists. “Yes!” they said, in their Foreign languages. “I too want to do titillating things on camera that will end my political career forever!” After the jump: The Foreigns do it live on TV and/or film, for your entertainment. MORE »

Admit it, Wonketteers: you’ve been disappointed by the quality of U.S. sex scandals in recent weeks. Dickcember was a little flaccid, with even the whole Axis of Fun scandal only netting a skeevy Senatorial staffer who was quickly fired, so: BORING. Could it be that the cold weather is forcing our leaders to keep it in their well-insulated pants? Politicians from the tropics and the Southern Hemisphere seem to have no such restrictions on their naughtiness! This week, The Foreigns offers a smörgåsbord of political scandal, from the pederastic to the cinematic. MORE »

If you’re an American and you read this site, you are almost certainly embarrassed by this nation’s government. Was it for this, you wonder, that our forefathers pledged their sacred honor to fight the tyrant British, or rose up to free themselves from bondage and discrimination, or travelled across the ocean with nothing but the clothes on their backs: so that we could live under a government where venality and corruption are the order of the day, where criminals make war for profit and a surprising number of powerful individuals use their influence to procure the favor of teenage boys? Wouldn’t we better off living somewhere, anywhere, but America? Don’t foreigners have it better than we do? MORE »

So long to the mirthful tap-tap-tap of Endless Cummer, the bite of Cocktober, and what turned out to be a mildly gusty Blowvember. We will commemorate your legacies during Dickcember, the winner of our poll. Write-in candidate “Jizzember” almost stole the crown from Dickcember, the wealthiest and most connected candidate, but get real — this is Amerka, and we don’t elect underdogs. Anyway, with Hanucockkah, Cockzaa and Dickmas all integral aspects of the Dickcember melting poofter (no? not working?), don’t be surprised to see some secret, usually gay, usually hypocritical, usually ugly and always funny dicks in Wonkette news. Happy… Whoridays?