An Oklahoma sheriff has quit his post after being charged with committing pretty much every sexual crime in the book against a number of female prisoners. For example, "rape by instrumentation." If he's convicted, he may serve up to 467 years in prison. Join us on a terrible sex tour of all the foul horrors former Custer County Sheriff Mike Burgess may have committed!
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Chesty Russian President Vladimir Putin denies tabloid reports that he has thrown over his ancient, bloated wife for Russia's most flexible woman: former Olympic gold medalist Alina Kabaeva, who won in the category of "rhythmic gymnastics." She is just 24 years old and a member of the Russian Parliament, so this is basically Sarkozy-Bruni all over again except with a sinister KGB troll and a bendy little minx who lounges around in polyester-blend lingerie from the Dress Barn.
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Several concerned readers have written to Wonkette pointing out a few errors in our unbiased, information-filled reporting surrounding Debbie Stabenow's husband's tragic hooker bust. In bringing this very important information to you, we failed to adequately acquaint ourselves with greater Detroit Metropolitan area roadways, for one, and then there is the little issue of "speaking Mexican."
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If there's one thing Democrats have learned from this whole Spitzer mess, it's that the public has no patience for public figures who overspend on hookers. That's why Tom Athans, Michigan Senator Debbie Stabenow's husband and the cofounder of a liberal radio station, deserves a hearty pat on the back for spending less on a hooker than he would have spent on a nice dinner with his wife.
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Besides the wives and children, who are the true victims of high-placed leaders' tawdry sex affairs? Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama, of course! Former New York Governor Eliot Spitzer and indicted Detroit Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick are (or were) both Democratic superdelegates. Spitzer was in the tank for Clinton, while Kilpatrick reportedly favors Obama, even though the Obama campaign halfheartedly denies it. So what happens when reckless oversexed Democrats let their personal addictions interfere with their public lives? They make the increasingly weird superdelegate count even less predictable. Of course, none of this matters if Clinton and Obama superdelegates keep cancelling each other out by getting caught in embarrassing situations in equal numbers. [Political Punch, NPR]
Hey, remember this poor jerk who got arrested in Florida for maybe sucking off some hot teenaged boy in a steam room? Carl Stanley McGee, assistant secretary for policy and planning in Massachusetts, is no longer the subject of an inquiry by Florida prosecutors due to lack of evidence and witnesses. Among the evidence investigators could not locate: spermy towels.
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Citizens, do you think that important legislative things happen in the capital of your state, for example the passing of laws? You are right, sort of! Sometimes laws do get passed, but it's only because our elected representatives need something to do in the 30-45 minutes of the day they aren't chasing skirts and fondling ripe man-flesh. After the jump, an up-to-the-minute thumbnail history of all the foul misdeeds and sexy hijinks our state leaders engage in when they're supposed to be reading that bill about the toll roads.
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We are liking this Governor Paterson fellow a whole lot. Not only does he make hilarious cracks about lobbyist whores, he openly admits to having affairs while serving in the New York State Senate. We are only sorry that he and his wife seem to have mended fences and will not be having any more affairs any time soon. But but but! Not one but TWO Spitzer officials say that one of the gals he used to romance now "works under" the new governor of New York.
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Now that America is about finished with New York and its terrible sordid sex scandals, a nation turns its lonely eyes to New Jersey for more smut. And New Jersey delivers! Remember that other governor who had to resign because he slept with some non-wife sort of person? It turns out former New Jersey Governor James McGreevey maybe used to have sex with his wife and some other dude, at the same time. Worse yet, these unspeakable acts allegedly followed weekly dinners at T.G.I. Friday's.
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"Finland" is a magical place where you get charged $103,000 for speeding, everyone looks like an orange muppet, and people send each other dirty text messages in Finnish all day long on their Nokia phones, which are issued to them by the State when they lose their virginity at age 5. In this sense, Foreign Minister Ilkka Kanerva is just an ordinary Finn! But in other ways he is even more hilarious.
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The infamous Room 871 in D.C.'s fancy Mayflower Hotel has been expunged from the nation's memory. Where once we might have witnessed the tender love shenanigans of sweet Jersey girl and a space muppet by the name of Eliot Spitzer, we now find just a door without a room number. Who is responsible for this outrage?
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Today Eliot Spitzer ends the nation's agony by quitting the New York governorship, which we all knew he was going to do. Stay with us as we write through all 30 seconds of his sad quitter speech!
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Hey, remember back in the day four million years ago when a gal named Ana Marie Cox edited this humble publication, and she followed, outed, and interviewed a Hill aide who went by the name "Washingtonienne" and who had lots of anal sex and other kinds of sex that she wrote about on her blog called Washingtonienne? Yes, those were more innocent days when something as simple as a young heterosexual woman having sex with a variety of males could set the world on fire. Let's take a trip down memory lane...a trip that ends on the Straight Talk Express!
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In a rare display of political hypocrisy, a longtime Republican lawmaker has resigned today after child pornography was discovered on his computer. Can you imagine such a thing? Let’s meet Maryland Delegate Robert A. McKee, 58, a 29-year state representative with a proud record of fighting sex offenders. We believe the appropriate metaphor here would be “textbook.”
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Cast your mind back to the days before Barack Obama was our President. Do you remember that time in 2004 when he ran for the Senate? And how his first opponent dropped out because the guy wanted to see his alien wife having sex in public? And then Alan Keyes threw his hat in the ring, giving the American public the gift of 86 days of unadulterated crazy? Good times!
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