Tag Archives: sex scandals

  twas beauty killed the beast

Lazy Slut Who Did No Work Dinesh D’Souza ‘Resigns’ From Million Dollar Christian College Prez Gig

Dinesh D’Souza: Not having the greatest of all possible weeks? Just a couple days after the revelation that got engaged to and/or shared a hotel with his new lady without technically getting divorced from his old one (and also that lady has a husband too, or at least did recently, ha ha) comes the bad news that he’s going to “resign” from his job as president of The King’s College. (We put “resign” in quotes because “he” “made” the decision after the school’s board of trustees met for like two days straight, presumably deciding the wording of the resignation statement “he” would write.) Was he forced out because of his sexual shenanigans? Sure! But also because he was doing a not very good job of being president of The King’s College? Yes, that too! Read more on Lazy Slut Who Did No Work Dinesh D’Souza ‘Resigns’ From Million Dollar Christian College Prez Gig…
  or maybe he's overcompensating?

Ill. Senator Mark Kirk Turns Out Not To Be Gay, Actually Has Tons Of Lady Problems

Mark Kirk is the Republican who ran to succeed beloved Greatest Senator Ever Roland Burris, and you probably remember him for two reasons: that he was rumored to be gay, and that his ex-wife stopped supporting his campaign because he got too conservative under the sway of mysterious svengali Dodie McCracken. And then you forgot about him, because you get all your political news from your Wonkette, as is proper. What’s he been up to in the meantime? Well, he won his election (not funny) and had a stroke (not funny) but is recovering nicely (inspiring, not funny) and then his ex-wife filed an FEC complaint because he was paying Dodie McCracken in a dodgy roundabout fashion, and also fucking her (DING DING DING DING). Read more on Ill. Senator Mark Kirk Turns Out Not To Be Gay, Actually Has Tons Of Lady Problems…
  usually it's just a metaphor

Elderly Iowa Candidate Caught Trying to Prostitute Himself

Cocktober, you left us too quickly! So what is this now, “Nov-member?” Hm. We will have to work on the name. Meanwhile, here is the month’s inaugural illicit political sex story: Ben Clifford Dawson, smiling here like a wicked little minx, is an 83-year-old Centerville, Iowa city council candidate who was arrested for prostitution after allegedly offering up his wobbly ol’ haunches to a lady in lieu of a payment she owed him for a loan. In other words, about a “6” on the political sex scandal meter, with points deducted for “dude on lady” but special extra credit added back in for “senior citizen gigolo.” Read more on Elderly Iowa Candidate Caught Trying to Prostitute Himself…
  sex fear violence repeat forever

Missouri Lt. Governor Peter Kinder Enjoys Recreational Lady Stalking

Unmarried elected Republican lieutenant governor Peter Kinder loves throwing money at a hot former Penthouse lady reasonably close to his own age. That “scandal” only ranks about a three out of ten because… eh, there’s the “adult lady” part. But is there some fine print? Sure: “[Tammy] Chapman alleges that while she gave the state senator private dances, he would grab her by the shoulders and aggressively try to force her head into his lap. ‘He’d pull me down to his groin — really, really hard, to the point that it hurt me,’ she says.” More scandal-ish! But it’s hardly news that all male Republicans, even closeted ones, are always aroused by spiritual, political, economic and physical violence against women, so it’s not much of an exception as scandals go. Maybe still just a six? NOH WAIT, here it is: creepy red-faced ogre Kinder continued to hang around Chapman’s place of work even after she asked him not to visit and “found her” when she went to another employer and asked her to come live at his condo in order to “snuggle up” with him. That’s Jesus-speak for “sex until your brain bleeds tumors out your ears.” Ding ding ding! Elected official sex fiends never disappoint. Who’s paying for the condo, incidentally? Read more on Missouri Lt. Governor Peter Kinder Enjoys Recreational Lady Stalking…
  rumors on the twitters

Mystery Wingnut Twitter Batmans Warned Ladies About Weiner

Here is a nice, positive “unemployed wingnuts with internet access” story for once. The NYTimes reported that a mysterious team of conservative Twitter Batmans used an extensive amount of free time to closely monitor Anthony Weiner’s Twitter follows (we don’t know what that means) to discover that the exhibitionist Fruit of the Loom spokesbulge was “following” a disproportionate number of non-constituent young ladies. If they had they been lots of young men, of course, they would more likely would have gone unnoticed by conservative stalker-hunters (stalker-stalkers). Gay it up next time, Rep. Weiner! Read more on Mystery Wingnut Twitter Batmans Warned Ladies About Weiner…
  the senate lives of sexers

Senator of Sex John Ensign Not Going To Do It Again (Run For Re-Election)

Once upon a time, married Sen. John Ensign had sex with a lady who was not a man and was also the wife of one of his aides. Unfortunately for his re-election prospects, Ensign did not wear a diaper, as far as we know. And because the U.S. Senate is somehow yet another day care for trust-fund children, this one a full two or three steps beyond grad school, Ensign’s parents gave the woman and her husband a bunch of money and hoped they would shut up about it. It still got out. Years later, he Senate Ethics Committee is still working on a “preliminary inquiry” into whether this broke the law. But John Ensign says he’s retiring, so the door is open for a true forthright, up-from-the-bootstraps Nevada senator: Sharron Angle. Nevada is a terrific state full of terrific politicians. Read more on Senator of Sex John Ensign Not Going To Do It Again (Run For Re-Election)…
  uncompassionate bloggerism

Guy Who Says He Had Sex With Nikki Haley Writes Book, Releases Excerpt

Nikki Haley is now governor of South Carolina, despite being brown and despite allegations that she posted her genitals on some South Carolina blogger guy’s genital site. That guy, Will Folks, will be releasing a book about doing sex things with Haley at some point, but for now, he’s posted an excerpt. (“Sexcerpt”? Is that what they call this sort of thing on the blogs?) Here’s a choice quote: “John Mayer’s “Slow Dancing In a Burning Room” played on her CD changer.” Gubernatorial! Another: “After sliding the front seats of her SUV as far back as they would go, Nikki climbed on top of me – rubbing her crotch back and forth over the growing bulge in my pants while I groped her ass and ran my hands through her hair and up and down her back.” EWW, NIKKI HALEY HAS BACK HAIR? Oh, we misread that. Read more on Guy Who Says He Had Sex With Nikki Haley Writes Book, Releases Excerpt…
  lonely page awareness

Mark Foley ‘Reaching Out,’ ‘Touching’ Young Republicans

You know what? There’s something charming about Mark Foley continuing to pretend he’s not deader than dead politically. It’s charming seeing him tread into the most obvious jokes over and over. He just doesn’t care. Sure, he follows half-naked 15-year-old boys on Twitter. And still talks about admiring from a distance shirtless teenage boys fishing on a lake. And only attends “Young” Republican events, especially if they’re at some sort of gay cowboy bar. He is secure with who he is and also wants to discuss municipal bond proposals! Nice work. Go for it, Foley! Just, for future reference, try to make sure the most ridiculously pedophile-looking guy in the place isn’t the one talking to the AP cameras, okay? Read more on Mark Foley ‘Reaching Out,’ ‘Touching’ Young Republicans…
  the mill life

Mistress To Wed John Edwards, Get Cancer, Justify 2012 Cancer-Pity Run

John Edwards, who was gestated in a millworker cut open by a lightsaber after nine months, has asked his mistress Rielle Hunter to marry him, according to the National Enquirer (again). Now, if John Edwards has any luck, this new wife will get cancer, and he will be able to exploit it for another presidential run while he simultaneously has sex with the first crazy person who comes up to him and tells him he’s “hott.” Look out, Obama! John Edwards was created when a bunch of mill dust was dusted off a millworker’s jacket and collected in a dustpan! He is a very serious perpetual candidate! “My new wife has cancer,” John Edwards will tell us. “And we have decided she will have cancer all over the state of Iowa for the next 14 months.” Read more on Mistress To Wed John Edwards, Get Cancer, Justify 2012 Cancer-Pity Run…
  beyond the gate of experience flows the Way

Alvin Greene Finally Indicted On Porn Charge

Many moons ago, as the days grew short and the air thick with the cold of autumn’s decline, Alvin Greene was allegedly witnessing the act of human reproduction. He then turned to a fellow human and showed her this example of how humans come to be. And now a South Carolina grand jury, out of touch with the Dao, has finally indicted Greene for this simple act. Do the people of South Carolina realize that what Alvin Greene had on his computer is the most pivotal experience of our existence? Read more on Alvin Greene Finally Indicted On Porn Charge…
  '04 primary votes your editor now regrets casting

Anonymous Sources: John Edwards Sad, Lonely, Gross

Who says investigative journalism is dead? Tina Brown’s Internet Tendency has been paying (?) Diane Dimond to nose around the world’s most repugnant sleaze pits and report back on her findings! Having already blown the lid off of John Mark Karr’s “little girl sex cult,” she’s now moved on to something even more repugnant: John Edwards and his sad, lonely life, which is mostly focused on his legal problems and only occasionally involves failed attempts to sex up ladies. Read more on Anonymous Sources: John Edwards Sad, Lonely, Gross…
  terrifying art

Meet the Wonkette Catholic Pedobear!

An artist who wishes to remain anonymous has painted this very fancy painting just for your Wonkette, as an upgraded version of the standard Pedobear, copies of whom are spreading throughout Italy as a means of calling the Pope a disgusting Nazi sex monster. We will call him Father Pedobear of Rapechildrenland, and you should plaster his image on the spires of your nearest Catholic church, for laffs. Thank you, very generous anonymous artist! Read more on Meet the Wonkette Catholic Pedobear!…
  america's funniest home videos

John Edwards Wriggles (His Tongue) Around In Rielle Hunter’s HooHa

Are we still writing about Gross-ass John Edwards and his she-witch Rielle Hunter and their sexy pregnant sex tape and the GQ interview and sad/insane cancer lady Elizabeth Edwards and all that? Maybe! Just for today, anyway. HERE YOU GO: “On the video, both participants are naked. Hunter is propped up against the hotel bed headboard, with John Edwards belly-down on the bed between her legs. As Hunter, the campaign’s official videographer, holds the camera, a smiling Edwards performs oral sex.” [Gawker] Read more on John Edwards Wriggles (His Tongue) Around In Rielle Hunter’s HooHa…
  TMI

Rielle Hunter Dishes On Gross Sex Affair With Gross Failed Presidential Candidate John Edwards

Are you one of the fistful of Americans who cares what Rielle Hunter does with her life since she bravely bore the child of the android King of Vulgarian Monticello, Mr. Johnny Edwards? Well, read on! Rielle Hunter has completed an interview with GQ and posed for a pantsless photo, just as Susan B. Anthony intended. Read more on Rielle Hunter Dishes On Gross Sex Affair With Gross Failed Presidential Candidate John Edwards…
  new scandal plz

Don’t Think We Don’t Need To Hear The Massa Navy Stories Anymore

One of those daily teevee press releases that puts it all in perspective: gay sex/snorkeling stories about Eric Massa’s Navy career stopped being funny or even skim-worthy about 36 hours ago, and probably will not recover anytime soon. We’re delighted to offer cheaply-won publicity under these circumstances. Read more on Don’t Think We Don’t Need To Hear The Massa Navy Stories Anymore…