Tag Archives: sex scandal

  Not One Of These People Is A Duggar

Pervy Virginia Dem Who Won Election From Jail Will Marry Teen Secretary, Rule Galaxy

Nothing weird in this relationship, no sir.
In a pleasant change of pace, here’s a reminder that there are lots of gross people out there whose last name doesn’t rhyme with “fugger”: Weird former member of the Virginia House of Delegates Joe Morrissey is getting married to the teenaged receptionist with whom he fathered a babby. Despite pleading no contest to a misdemeanor charge of contributing to the delinquency of a minor last year, Morrissey insists that he and his bride-to-be, Myrna Pride, never did the nasty until she was very definitely of age. Ms. Pride also said, at a press appearance where they announced their plans to marry, “I never engaged in a sexual [act] with Mr. Morrissey until I was of legal age,” so all of you people should just shut up now. Which sort of makes you wonder why he’d take a plea deal to avoid felony charges resulting from both the relationship and from showing pornographic photos of Pride to a friend. Read more on Pervy Virginia Dem Who Won Election From Jail Will Marry Teen Secretary, Rule Galaxy…
  Old news

Missouri Family Values Republican Sorry For Sexting Co-Ed, Ready To Forget This Ever Happened

He said he's sorry, let it go!
Missouri House Speaker John Diehl — Republican, family man, church-goer, and opponent of marriage equality because “tradition” and “the children” — is very, very sorry y’all found out about his sexxxytime texting with a college freshman and telling her paperback romance novel words like he wants to “leave her quivering” and also looking at pictures of her hot bikini’d bod and such. Read more on Missouri Family Values Republican Sorry For Sexting Co-Ed, Ready To Forget This Ever Happened…
  2 bad 4 u

Family Values Republican Says Marriage Is Only For Straights And Married Dudes Who Sext Interns

Enjoyest thou intern, sayeth the Lord
Oh what have we here? Why, it’s a Republican sex scandal. Our favorite! This time, it’s Missouri House Speaker John Diehl, and he’s been a bad bad boy. According to some ewwww gross texts obtained by the Kansas City Star, Speaker Diehl did all kinds of sexytime talk to a college intern, who was not his wife, Kelly, who is also the mother of their three sons — and no, his office has not yet commented on how will they explain this to THE CHILDREN?! Kelly is not a college freshman at Missouri Southern State University, participating in the internship program, which was suddenly canceled, thanks to Speaker Diehl not keeping his dirty emojis in his pants: Read more on Family Values Republican Says Marriage Is Only For Straights And Married Dudes Who Sext Interns…
  But Clinton Lied About A Blowjob

You’ll Never Guess Why Fox Thinks Sexytime Leaker Gen. Petraeus Is Being Framed Now!

Totally worth it
Wingnutty Expert on Everything Andrew Napolitano was all over Fox News Monday and Tuesday to float his expert opinion on why former CIA director David Petraeus is maybe going to face criminal charges for being a Gangster of Love. It’s all just because Barack Obama is out to get David Petraeus, who never did nothin’ wrong, because 1) Obama wanted to short-circuit Petraeus’s bright political career, and/or 2) Petraeus was about to spill the beans on what REALLY happened at Benghazi, so somebody in the White House revealed that the former general was boning his biographer, which somehow made it impossible for him to ever speak the REAL truth. Read more on You’ll Never Guess Why Fox Thinks Sexytime Leaker Gen. Petraeus Is Being Framed Now!…
  Why does he hate America ALLEGEDLY?

Disgraced Gen. Petraeus Might Go To Prison For Being A Sexytime SPY!

Totally worth it
Don’t you just hate when you get caught sexing a lady what is not your wife and pillow-talking all of America’s classified secrets to her? Oh, you don’t do that? Then you are not ex-hero Gen. David Petraeus, who used to be America’s greatest patriot for winning ALL THE WARS and then being the boss of the CIA until resigning in disgrace for, oops, being a total disgrace to his country and himself, OOPS! Read more on Disgraced Gen. Petraeus Might Go To Prison For Being A Sexytime SPY!…
  those were the days

Now There Is A New Monica Lewinsky Sex Tape, Because Why The Hell Not, This Country, Jesus

In what ways does this “new sex tape of Monica Lewinsky” suck worse than a thing billed thus should suck? One, it’s not a videotape; it’s just Monica Lewinsky talking semi-dirty on an audio cassette or auto-electro-gramophone or enchanted sea shell, who knows, it’s not clear. Two, it doesn’t feature Bill Clinton, except as he’s pictured in your own mind, listening to this tape in the Oval Office, shitty 1990s headphones hugging that ruddy melon, with one finger in a blueberry pie and the rest somewhere else, it’s your imagination, do what you want with it. Those are the only ways it sucks, though, which is pretty good! OK, so what doesn’t suck about this not-a-sex-tape sex tape? Read more on Now There Is A New Monica Lewinsky Sex Tape, Because Why The Hell Not, This Country, Jesus…
  grampa cornpants

Chuck Grassley’s Got This Whole Secret Service Problem Covered, You Guys

Oh dear, Sen. Chuck Grassley snuck out the window again after lights-out, and now he’s leading inquiries into the Secret Service sex scandal. Whatcha got so far, inspector? “Sen. Charles Grassley (R-Iowa) said the Colombia prostitutes at the center of the Secret Service scandal may have been spies planted by the Russian government.” And if they were… well, Chuck’s gonna give those ladies what for, he is. Read more on Chuck Grassley’s Got This Whole Secret Service Problem Covered, You Guys…
  republican family values

Gays Sorry For Causing Straight MN GOP Senator To Cheat on Her Husband

Oh, here’s a tragedy: Minnesota’s (now former) Senate Majority Leader Amy Koch had been working so hard on a constitutional amendment barring same-sex marriage in her state, but ALAS, the amendment couldn’t be approved in time to keep her own straight marriage safe from harm — she resigned her Senate leadership post last week after being caught having an affair with a male staffer. Minnesota’s homos feel just terrible about all of these problems she is having as a straight married lady, on their account, so they have kindly decided to apologize, aww. Read more on Gays Sorry For Causing Straight MN GOP Senator To Cheat on Her Husband…
  kegger at the Capitol!

Frat Boy Congress Caused Souder-Sex to Happen, Say Bible Ladies

Upon learning that family-values hero Mark Souder had resigned from Congress after admitting his extramarital abstinence, the marriage-sanctifying gals at Concerned Women for America — the Western Hemisphere’s most important public policy women’s organization, after Curves — were in despair, about men. Ultimately they put down their tissues down, though, and brought forth a proclamation in which they blame Souder’s affair on the U.S. Congress, a.k.a. “the frat house on the Hill.” Read more on Frat Boy Congress Caused Souder-Sex to Happen, Say Bible Ladies…
  scumbags with bowl-cuts

John Edwards Admits Paternity Of That Kid He Totally Fathered!

Well! John Edwards, he of corrupt temperament and “Scott Brown good looks,” announced this morning apropos of nothing that he is the father of his baby, John Edwards’ Baby. This admission follows a two-year bad-faith charade in which Edwards denied impregnating inconsequential Jay McInerney character Rielle Hunter. Turns out there’s a trashy-sounding Edwards campaign tell-all coming out next month, and Edwards wanted to beat Jay McInerney to the punch! Read more on John Edwards Admits Paternity Of That Kid He Totally Fathered!…
  and starring jenny sanford as job

South Carolina Board Of Education Chairwoman Will Now Write Her Erotic Internet Fiction In Peace

South Carolina is just full of filthy sex people performing terrible acts of sex upon one another. Take Kristin Maguire, who became “of interest” last week after it was discovered that in between chairing the state board of education and homeschooling her own four children (?), she was in the habit of publishing her loosely fictionalized erotic goings-on on certain sexy parts of the Internet. Ha, oh and then there was that time she flashed Mark Sanford’s chief of staff whilst atop the hilariously gratuitous location of Jenny Sanford’s desk. (N.B.: Hi, yes, South Carolina: it is possible to hook-up without doing so at the expense of Jenny Sanford.) Read more on South Carolina Board Of Education Chairwoman Will Now Write Her Erotic Internet Fiction In Peace…
  gross people from the past

What Was Edwards’ Ex-Ladyfriend Doing At Courthouse?

Ooh hot tawdry news regarding the dippy videographer who had sex with John Edwards and then, some months later, had a baby, which is maybe just coincidence! This woman, Rielle Hunter, was spotted entering a courthouse in Raleigh earlier this morning. Read more on What Was Edwards’ Ex-Ladyfriend Doing At Courthouse?…
  goodbye forever

Betrayed Sanford Spokesman Joel Sawyer’s Last Day On The Job

Remember the month of June, the month that happened a couple of months ago? The very best part of June was when a certain lovestruck Southern governor departed for a five-day solo Father’s Day hike in the woods and returned warbling about the Argentinian sparkin’ thing, much to the embarrassment of his spokesman, who had been assuring people he was on the Appalachian Trail. Read more on Betrayed Sanford Spokesman Joel Sawyer’s Last Day On The Job…
  quitters

Ensign Chief Of Staff Leaving?

Senator John Ensign isn’t quitting his job just because he had the poor taste to sleep with his friend’s wife and then stick his parents with the most expensive “here’s a little something for your trouble” tab ever, but his chief of staff might be! According to one report, Ensign COS John Lopez is “leaving” the senator’s office. Is he quitting? Getting fired? Laid off, like a common employee of Huck Pac? Who knows, ’cause Ensign’s office ain’t telling. Our money’s on quitting, because most Senate chiefs of staff want to bow out at the pinnacle of their careers. [The Hill] Read more on Ensign Chief Of Staff Leaving?…
  the anti-palin

John Ensign Is Not A Quitter

We are just not getting a lot of resignation bang for our philandering buck this summer. Argentine romancer Mark Sanford looks like he’ll stay in the South Carolina governorship, basically because his wife said he could. And now it appears that John Ensign — barring, ha ha, some devastating investigation by CREW or the Justice Department and what are the chances of that? — will also keep his Senate seat and who knows, maybe even run again! Read more on John Ensign Is Not A Quitter…
  have some dignity man

Sanford Talks Of ‘Soul Mate,’ Other Ladies In Most Embarrassing Interview Yet

When Governor Mark Sanford tearfully admitted last week that he had an affair with some gal who he actually liked a lot, many people wrote approvingly of his candor, and the fact that he didn’t say “Meh, I was just boning some slutty slut, it meant nothing.” He had feelings and things, and maybe a decent amount of respect for his mistress! But now we learn that all of his “dear, dear friend” claptrap was just a precursor to a torrent of undignified, cruelly narcissistic oversharing. Read more on Sanford Talks Of ‘Soul Mate,’ Other Ladies In Most Embarrassing Interview Yet…
  historical moments in journalism

Reporter Reveals How She Got Exclusive Sanford AM Airport SCOOP

Well here is a sort of sad but interesting angle on the Sanford Firecracker Love Scandal, straight from The State reporter Gina Smith, who drove 200 miles to corner the exhausted governor of South Carolina at 6:15 in the morning yesterday as he was arriving back at the Atlanta airport, probably all morning breath-y. Read more on Reporter Reveals How She Got Exclusive Sanford AM Airport SCOOP…
  acts of repentance

Ensign Apologizes For Having Sex With Woman

Nevada’s flagrant heterosexual senator, John Ensign, told his Republican pals today at lunch that he was very sorry he had sex with some lady he should not have had sex with. He was “very contrite, very sincere,” said one of his colleagues, and as penance Ensign immediately retired to the nearest public bathroom for gay diaper sex with a 17-year-old page in a panda suit. [The Hill] Read more on Ensign Apologizes For Having Sex With Woman…
  annals of thwarted journalism

Husband Of Ensign Mistress Wanted To Blab To Fox News

Sorry, folks! This is what passes for SEXY SEX SCANDAL NEWS this June, while “important news” such as the incipient Iranian revolution and doomed healthcare reform dominate our boring news channels. Doug Hampton, the husband of that lady John Ensign had sex with, wrote to Megyn Kelly at Fox News five days before Ensign confessed to the affair. And in the letter he said, in effect, Ensign is such a douche! I am blabbing to you, Megyn Kelly, because you are a lawyer! Read more on Husband Of Ensign Mistress Wanted To Blab To Fox News…
  typical

Spitzer Paid For Sexy Hot Emperor’s Club Hookers With … Money Orders

No sooner did word break last March that New York governor Eliot Spitzer had been patronizing hookers than it devolved into deep unsexiness. We’re talking about Spitzer, after all, one of the least desirable humans on the planet! He refused to take off his socks during sexytime. His “high-class” hooker was just some Jersey girl with bad tattoos and a history of drug abuse. Eliot Spitzer made prostitution boring again. Read more on Spitzer Paid For Sexy Hot Emperor’s Club Hookers With … Money Orders…
  you cannot just make fanciful assertions on the web

JOE TRIPPI SAYS EDWARDS SABOTAGE PLOT RUMORS ARE ‘COMPLETE BS': Whaaaa? Does this mean somebody lied to our precious George Stephanopoulos? Prove it, Trippi. [JoeTrippi.com]