Tag Archives: sex crimes

  Get a fresh barf bag

Surprise, Kiddie Porn Cop In Josh Duggar Story Into Some Nasty-Ass Kiddie Porn

Hutchens was into little girls, but fuck it.
Hey, remember how when Jim Bob Duggar found out that his son Josh was sex criming his daughters, he took Josh to a state trooper pal of his, Cpl. Joseph Hutchens, to get a “very stern talk” about how sex criming is bad? And remember how Hutchens is now an EX-state trooper, who is currently serving a 56-year sentence on a kiddie porn conviction? It’s a good thing Papa Jim Bob didn’t tell Hutchens about ALL the sex-criming (if we are to believe Hutchens’s account, and really, who you gonna believe –a kiddie porn enthusiast or a dad covering up his son’s sex crimes on little girls?), because a perusal of the risk assessment used in Hutchens’ 2010 trial shows that his tastes in children were vomit-inducing sick: Read more on Surprise, Kiddie Porn Cop In Josh Duggar Story Into Some Nasty-Ass Kiddie Porn…
  Allegedly

Oh, Did Dumb Josh Duggar Do A Sex Crime When He Was 17, Just Like Jesus?

Dirty sex crimer or just a asshole?
Well, well, well. WELL. Here is a story about Josh the oldest of 19 Kids & CountingTM Duggar that may or may not be true, who knows, but since the Duggars, including Josh, are fond of saying things that are not true, for their various causes (FYI, Charles Darwin did not do the Holocaust with his theory of evolution), seems only fair that we report this story to you, even if it is made up, for the noble and righteous cause of making you vomit even harder at these dumb assholes. Read more on Oh, Did Dumb Josh Duggar Do A Sex Crime When He Was 17, Just Like Jesus?…
  Florida Man's really done it this time

Let’s All Have Sex On The Beach, And Then Go To Prison Forever!

If this is a crime, then we're guilty!
Welcome to sunny Florida, NO FUCKING ALLOWED, at least not on the beach. Seems Florida Man has gone and gotten himself into trouble again, and he may do 15 years in the slammer, because he was so overcome by the romance of the waves and the long walks on the beach — you know, OKCupid stuff — that he popped wood and simply had to sex up his lady-friend right then and there. Meet Jose Caballero and Elissa Alvarez, convicted beach-boners, who are both off to jail, and who will now have to sign up for that sex offender newsletter everybody keeps talking about: Read more on Let’s All Have Sex On The Beach, And Then Go To Prison Forever!…
  Glad we solved that problem forever

2014: The Year All Rape Ended Forever Because It Never Existed Obviously

Nope, no rape news this year
In the early days of 2014, the world was a simpler, happier place. Bill Cosby was still a kindly, grandfatherly funnyman and not a horrible monster rapist, and we all enjoyed playfully teasing him about his sweaters and Jell-O Pudding Pops until the joke was entirely played out and stale and not funny anymore, seriously, enough. Read more on 2014: The Year All Rape Ended Forever Because It Never Existed Obviously…
  wonkette would never report this if he were a democrat

Pervy Convict Legislator Wants Virginia To Remove The Taint From His Seat

Image via Wikimedia Commons Competition is heating up for Wonkette’s Legislative Shitmuffin of the Year award. Today’s featured contender: Joseph Dee Morrissey, recently resigned member of the Virginia House of Delegates and “descendant of John Morrissey, a 19th-century U.S. Congressman and one-time bare-knuckle boxer.” That scrappy spirit is apparently alive in the current generation of Morrisseys, going by Joe’s announcement that he will run in the special election to fill the position he just gave up, since his constituents deserve to choose from only the finest jailbound criminals to make their laws. Read more on Pervy Convict Legislator Wants Virginia To Remove The Taint From His Seat…
  hi Holy Father I'm in jail

Surprise, Christian Radio Host In Jail For Trying To Buy Sex With Young Boys (Whatever, ‘Allegedly’)

It is almost getting to the point where you can’t trust people who lead pious public Christian lives not to try to buy sex with young boys anymore! Authorities say John Balyo, 35, was arrested Friday morning at the Big Ticket Christian music festival near Gaylord, Mich. Balyo, who was the morning host on WCSG Radio, was arrested on charges of first-degree criminal sexual conduct. Authorities say Balyo allegedly paid another person, who is a defendant in another child exploitation case, to arrange for sexual encounters with minor victims. Well, knock us over with a feather. Allegedly. Read more on Surprise, Christian Radio Host In Jail For Trying To Buy Sex With Young Boys (Whatever, ‘Allegedly’)…
  sleazy rider

Former Tennessee Pol Nabbed In High-Speed Fap-Fest

A former alderman and vice mayor from Mount Carmel, Tennessee, has been arrested on charges of indecent exposure after a female motorist said he “‘fondled himself’ and made obscene gestures while they drove beside each other on Interstate 26.” William Lee Blakely, 30, had previously been investigated on similar charges in 2010, but the case was dropped when the woman who initially reported that incident “declined to move forward with the prosecution to avoid embarrassment.” At a preliminary hearing in the new case, three women testified that they had witnessed Blakely exposing himself on the freeway at high speeds. While Yr Wonkette appreciates Blakely’s contribution to the weird-news genre and the resulting opportunity for wanking puns, we also hope he gets tossed into the pokey. (Hey-o!) Read more on Former Tennessee Pol Nabbed In High-Speed Fap-Fest…
  with great stupidity comes no responsibility

Sheriff Joe’s Posse Would Like To Surprise Your Children With An Armed Sex Offender

Remember last month? Last month was fun, what with all the jibber-jabber about how armed guards in schools would keep all the children safesies. Marching at the very head of that parade of stupid was our old friend Sheriff Joe Arpaio, who sent in armed posses without actually checking with the school. Hey! What school, in this day and age, could possibly be concerned when a bunch of gun-toting civilians show up without warning? Read more on Sheriff Joe’s Posse Would Like To Surprise Your Children With An Armed Sex Offender…
  prostitution whores

ABC News Stops The Presses: Obama Has A Friend Who Did Sex To A Hooker

Sup, ABC News? Is there anything in the world you could possibly try to twist into a news story during a holiday news week? “Obama Golfing In Hawaii With Pal Arrested in Prostitution Sting”? Sure, that should do it. Let us learn more about this shocking news, that Obama knows a dude who did sex on a hooker, and did not even send him to be guarded by crocodiles in a prison on the moon! Read more on ABC News Stops The Presses: Obama Has A Friend Who Did Sex To A Hooker…
  unhappy endings

Virginia Town Shuts Down Lady’s Spa For Sexytime Because A Man Tried To Rape Her

Good morning! Here is something terrible to start your day! In January, a Vietnamese woman who runs a spa in Falls Church, Virginia, let a man inside for a shoulder massage even though she wasn’t open for business yet. She told him to relax in one of the small rooms. When she returned to the room, the man grabbed her, pulled her hair and began choking her. “He picked me up, my feet don’t hit the floor,” she said. “He said, ‘If you keep moving, I will cut you bit by bit.’ […] ”He tore my clothing. He jump on my body,” the woman said. She said he did force her into oral sex. Then he calmly walked out of the place, taking a piece of hard candy, unwrapping it and popping it into his mouth before leaving. Read more on Virginia Town Shuts Down Lady’s Spa For Sexytime Because A Man Tried To Rape Her…
  republicans in the news

Joe Arpaio Fine With Sex-Crimes As Long As They’re Against Illegals

GAH. When we pleaded with the universe last week for leading insane racist and pink panty queen Joe Arpaio to be the next high-profile Republican sheriff to become embroiled in a “ghey sex for meth” scandal, we made our offhanded Xmas wish sort of figuring that was the worst the universe could do on the sex crimes scale even where Joe Arpaio is concerned. How naïve of us, forgetting that we are talking about one of the most awful individuals in America today: the Associated Press turned up four hundred sex crimes reported to Arpaio’s office that he… eh, didn’t really bother to investigate, including “dozens of child molestations” that met with a delete key for minor victims with the wrong skin color. Read more on Joe Arpaio Fine With Sex-Crimes As Long As They’re Against Illegals…
  L'hotel particulier

Guy In Charge of World’s Money Jailed For Sex Attack On Hotel Maid

How are the people in charge of the money treating the people who serve the people in charge of the money these days? Still not so good, it seems! International Monetary Fund chief Dominique Strauss-Kahn was hauled off an Air France flight just before departing New York, all because the cops say he tried to rape a hotel maid and then made a hasty departure for the airport. (Also: These sorts of people have “standing access to Air France’s business class,” so there’s no need to make reservations or whatever. The good life!) Maybe some world leader did something nice over the weekend, too. Who knows. Does Google News have a section for that? Read more on Guy In Charge of World’s Money Jailed For Sex Attack On Hotel Maid…
  very vague sex crimes

So Scott Brown Wants To Rape Martha Coakley With a Curling Iron?

Jesus, New York Times, if you would just quote the “something vulgar” rather than leave us all guessing, maybe the voters of Massachusetts would know whether Scott Brown is laughing about sodomy or rape or rape-sodomy or whatever. Read more on So Scott Brown Wants To Rape Martha Coakley With a Curling Iron?…
  cocktober

South Carolina Has Basically Decriminalized Having Daytime Prostitute Sex In Cemeteries

Meet Roland Corning! Roland Corning, a 65-year-old married man, likes two things: 1. being an assistant district attorney in South Carolina and 2. filling his Ford Explorer with sex medicine and sex toys and 18-year-old prostitutes (for sex) and taking all these things to the local cemetery on Monday afternoons (for sex). This is illegal, all of it, well all of the second part. Except when a South Carolina policeman stopped Corning outside of his ad hoc graveyard pleasure den, he did not charge him with any crime after Corning identified himself as the Roland Corning, assistant district attorney and celebrated tombside rake. Read more on South Carolina Has Basically Decriminalized Having Daytime Prostitute Sex In Cemeteries…
  america's greatest heroes

More Terrible Things About The Pennsylvania Senate Furry

Some Pennsylvania state Senate staffer for a very conservative Republican Lawmaker (making this “political news”) was arrested last Friday for trying to have panda furry sex with a young teenage boy. Now monstrous child-raping is not funny, but hey, they never *did* anything, so let us feel free to laugh at the hilarious details, as published in a newspaper. Read more on More Terrible Things About The Pennsylvania Senate Furry…
 

Pennsylvania Legislative Furry Arrested For Trying To Sex Young Boy

A pervert in Pennsylvania has been arrested. HOORAY FOR FRIDAY NEWS! Alan David Berlin, 40, and longtime staffer in the Pennsylvania state Senate, was charged Thursday for being a terrible panda furry who loved teenage boys so, so much. But is he only a panda furry? Read more on Pennsylvania Legislative Furry Arrested For Trying To Sex Young Boy…
  cocktober

Tragic Details Of Republican’s Ruined Plans For Sex With Imaginary Children

Yesterday all we knew about this fellow Chris Ortloff was that he had been arrested in a hotel room with some manner of sex devices on his person and an alleged intention to do dirty things to a minor or minors. Now we learn the nature of the devices (garden variety, alas) and the intended victims (fake 11- and 12-year-old sisters). Read more on Tragic Details Of Republican’s Ruined Plans For Sex With Imaginary Children…
  cocktober

Former Upstate NY Politician Arrested In Seedy Motel Kiddie Porn Sting

Three cheers, for Cocktober is in full swing! Some tragic former upstate New York assemblyman and current parole board member was busted for allegedly arranging a date with what he thought would be an underage person but turned out to be the State Police. Hmm! Our fake fantasy victim has no gender here in this write-up. Read more on Former Upstate NY Politician Arrested In Seedy Motel Kiddie Porn Sting…
 

One of Diaperman David Vitter’s other hookers, in New Orleans — but not the Diaper Gal, apparently — took a lie detector test administered by the President of Lie Detectors and the test proves she had “safe sex” with David Vitter, all the time, in New Orleans, and her pimp was named “Jonathan.” [Times-Picayune] Read more on …
 

Meet the Barbershop Bathroom Quartet

Here they are, in happier days: The Singing Senators barbershop quartet! Pictured from right, that’s Jim Jeffords, John Ashcroft, Larry “Wide Stance” Craig and Trent Lott, performing Judy Garland songs. They also performed a beloved selection of Barbara Streisand numbers and once opened for Rufus Wainwright Jr. Ha ha, just kidding, they weren’t actually any good so they didn’t open for anybody except the, uh, Oak Ridge Boys in Branson, Missouri. That part is apparently true. The Singing Senators: Behind the Music [The Fed] Read more on Meet the Barbershop Bathroom Quartet…
 

Idaho Values Alliance Will Have ‘Hard Time Swallowing’ Larry Craig News

Talking Points Memo just dug up this amusing anti-homosexual website in Idaho, run by a group of staunch anti-homosexual activists who are also, amusingly, big fans of Senator Larry Craig. Just below a happy photo of the latest Republican politician to be caught hitting up dudes in the public restrooms, there’s a fun post about the gay danger lurking within our nation’s toilet stalls — specifically in the airport restrooms, which of course is where Republican Senator Craig was arrested for soliciting gay sex: Read more on Idaho Values Alliance Will Have ‘Hard Time Swallowing’ Larry Craig News…