Tag Archives: sex

  They Saw Something Nasty In The Godshed

Duggar Wedding Scandal (Maybe): Did Jessa And Poor Ben Do It In The Church? (We Mean ‘Bone’) Update: No, Probably Not

Why is she holding her car keys?
UPDATE: Never Mind, looks like everybody , including Yr Wonkette, fell for a fake/satire blog. Good golly, looks like those virginal young scamps from the Duggar Clown Car — not that we’re calling them clowns, mind you — just might have been in such a big hurry to get their own quiver full that they couldn’t wait to leave church before doing the nasty. Allegedly, maybe. The news is apparently a big deal to people who follow the 19 Kids And Will You People Just Go Away? televisual entertainment programme. Read more on Duggar Wedding Scandal (Maybe): Did Jessa And Poor Ben Do It In The Church? (We Mean ‘Bone’) Update: No, Probably Not…
  Next Time Just Stick To Gluttony And Sloth

Pervy Nonagenarian Televangelist Did … Oh Jesus Christ

Now grab the back of your TV set...
It’s been a while since we’ve heard from the faith-healing ministry leader and televangelist Ernest Angley, who was also the the real-life inspiration for Robin Williams’s classic “Reverend Earnest Angry.” Until 35 years later, when Monday we read that Rev. Angley is doing his very best to out-Bake Jim Bakker and Out-Swagger Jimmy Swaggart. Those chumps may have been satisfied with mere sexxytimes shenanigans and fraud (Bakker), and sad masturbatory prostie visits (Swaggart), but by Crom, no way were such penny-ante scandals going to be enough for Ernest Angley. No, he’s going to close out his 60-something-year career with accusations of full-blown cultism, complete with creepy control over his flock’s sex lives — forcing men to have vasectomies and women to have abortions — and to top it off, several years of unwanted laying on of hands on a former pastor and allowing sexual abuse of boys in the church, allegedly. Read more on Pervy Nonagenarian Televangelist Did … Oh Jesus Christ…
  Fundamentalist Clap Trap

Be Biblically Correct Between The Sheets With These Duck Dynasty Sex Tips!

Great moments in industrial design
Great American Thinker Phil Robertson has some important advice on how to stay healthy, avoid the crotch rot, and have a satisfying sects life: “Biblically correct sex is safe,” Robertson said during a sermon in West Monroe, Louisiana last month. “It’s safe. You’re not going to get chlamydia, gonorrhea, syphilis, AIDS — if you, if a man marries a woman, and neither of you have it, and you keep your sex between the two of you, you’re not going to get ever sexually transmitted diseases.” Read more on Be Biblically Correct Between The Sheets With These Duck Dynasty Sex Tips!…
  the gods are smiling on us

Larry ‘Wide Stance’ Craig Is Back! And Guilty! Again!

Life is full of important lessons. Look both ways before crossing the street. If you are a professional sportsball player, don’t domestic violence a woman on video. Ladies, don’t get raped. And today, we learn a political lesson: If you are a closeted Republican politician soliciting anonymous gay sex in airport bathrooms, you CANNOT use campaign funds to try to reverse your guilty plea. Who knew?!? Read more on Larry ‘Wide Stance’ Craig Is Back! And Guilty! Again!…
  Like Todd Starnes Has Ever Seen A Big Condom

Fox’s Todd Starnes Exposes Big Condom-Public School Industrial Complex

Invading a middle school near you title=
Can’t get enough dick? We can never get enough dick — news about dicks, politicians being dicks, anonymous airport dick, and sometimes dicks talking about dick-things. Enter Todd Starnes, Fox News comment-spewer and host of the physical embodiment of all the worst insinuations of the word “dick.” His latest complaint: Public schools are beholden to Big Condoms. No, not the Magnum condoms that you buy to put in your nightstand to impress ladies who snoop, but which you never use because haha, get real.  We are talking about the Big Condom-Public School Industrial Complex, which is a 100 percent real thing, sheeple. Read more on Fox’s Todd Starnes Exposes Big Condom-Public School Industrial Complex…
  Purity Brawl

Jesus-Approved Sexytime Turns Happy Virgin Men Into Sad Confused Husbands

Day One
Now here’s a shocker: A new study finds that men who make “virginity pledges” get plenty of “social support to abstain from sex before the wedding night,” but once they get married, they no longer feel comfortable talking about all that sex they’re finally allowed to have. They’ve been taught to think of extramarital sex as “animalistic and foul,” but of the Marriage Bed as a place of sacred beauty, and so they often find themselves conflicted about sex. For some reason. Read more on Jesus-Approved Sexytime Turns Happy Virgin Men Into Sad Confused Husbands…
  I Am Mad About A Thing

Fifty Shades Of Meh, Who Cares, That Book Sucked And So Will The Movie

It’s baaaaaaaaack. Just as we were all beginning to forget that terrible, TERRIBLE Twilight-inspired tripe called Fifty Shades of Grey — do not even get me started on how 50 kinds of sad it is that E.L. James enjoyed Twilight so much, she wrote her very own fan-fic trilogy, which is basically the same story except with more sex, but not the wolf-on-virgin kind, and no sparkly vampires, and excuse me, but vampires do NOT sparkle, goddamnit, everyone knows that — now we get to relive the pain on the big screen. Of course we all remember how all the rage Fifty Shades was. It was SO all the rage that even Very Serious Writers like Ruth Marcus and Gene Weingarten and self-professed prude Mitch Albom debased themselves by reading the book so they could scoff at the little people who also read the book, but for pleasure not clickbait. In case you’re one of those people who wants to pretend you totally did not read any of those books — and you know who you are, AND YES YOU DID — allow me to bring back all the bad memories for you. Read more on Fifty Shades Of Meh, Who Cares, That Book Sucked And So Will The Movie…
  Doin It And Doin It And Doin It Well

We Heard About The Lamest Orgy Ever In Your PM Happy Links!

Whew! A lot happened this afternoon over at Happy Nice Time People. Mainly, the Internet went INSANE on us for our earlier post, Please Stop Bragging About Your Husband On Facebook. People got so happy about it, and also so mad, all over the Internet! If you haven’t checked it out, you should obviously check it out. But also we heard a hilarious story and then yr Editrix was like, “You need to write that story up and call it ‘The Lamest Orgy'” so we DID, hahahahhahahahaha. Don’t worry, we hid the identities of the humans involved, because we did not know them. Read more on We Heard About The Lamest Orgy Ever In Your PM Happy Links!…
  see also the erotic works of erma bombeck

Pat Robertson Explains Ideal Marriage: Dishwashing Should Totally Earn Men Sex

Teevee God-botherer Pat Robertson took a trip to the 1950s Tuesday, advising a caller to his 700 Club cable wasteland that when her husband does chores around the house, the only proper thing to do is to spread her legs, because that is the deal in a good Christian marriage. Have women forgotten how that works? Read more on Pat Robertson Explains Ideal Marriage: Dishwashing Should Totally Earn Men Sex…
  environmental porn agency

EPA Employee Looking For Pollution Two To Six Hours A Day, From The Comfort Of His Porn Stash

Does your job blow? Do you ever fantasize about just kicking back and watching porn all day, but wish you could still pull down a nice six-figure salary? Yeah, us too, so click on those goddam ads swirling around, ok? (Note: do not actually click on those ads unless they are things in which you are interested, or that is “click fraud.” DO NOT go to click-fraud jail!) Our other option would be to work for the Environmental Protection Agency, per HuffPo: An employee at the Environmental Protection Agency allegedly downloaded over 7,000 files of pornography on a government computer and watched them two to six hours per day, the agency’s investigative unit revealed Wednesday. First off, holy shit that is a lot of porn-watching! But could it have been work-related porn? Is the EPA seeking to give grants to environmentally friendly porn producers? Maybe there were lessons at the end of them, like “Tell corporate polluters to stop treating the world’s oceans like a woman’s face. No ejaculating onto the world’s oceans!” We’d support our tax dollars going to that. Let’s sexsplore.  Read more on EPA Employee Looking For Pollution Two To Six Hours A Day, From The Comfort Of His Porn Stash…
  wad!

Wonkette After Dark: Vance McAllister’s Romance McFailister, Miley Pelosi, & More!

Vance McAllister has allegedly kissed his own staff! Wow, way to go Stretch! No, we are joking, we know Vance McAllister didn’t finally master yoga’s forbidden Contented Dog, he was merely allegedly kissing a lady he shouldna been kissing. Yes, a kissing scandal. You probably have to go back to the first Cleveland administration to find a quainter tale of martial infidelity among the power elite. From the video, it looked like he had a shot at second base, don’t you think? Now, to us, marital infidelity is one thing — you can decide for yourself if you wouldn’t vote for a guy or gal who says one thing and sucks another — but when McAllister started talking about getting the FBI involved, thus guaranteeing a fresh round of headlines with his name in them next to words like “Wants To Get The FBI Involved In His CHEATING SCANDAL,” that’s when we knew we were dealing with a special kind of ass. Now, onto Sexy Miley Pelosi. Sexy Miley Pelosi is a gross maybe NSFW thing that we will show you. Read more on Wonkette After Dark: Vance McAllister’s Romance McFailister, Miley Pelosi, & More!…
  wad!

Wonkette After Dark: Your Politician Sex Scandal Choose Your Own Word-Lib!

Is it just us, or has it been a long time since we had a really revolting sex scandal? What was the last one, Bob Filner? That was a “good” one. We are trying to remember before that but Big Dave Petraeus, Mark “Soul Mate” Sanford, and Mr. Wide Stance Bromance Larry Craig are all mashed together in the men’s room of our memory. Maybe those weren’t all revolting, but a lot of words were writ upon the subject of their humpings, so many that we got bored, even of the Petraeus one which was fairly actually sexy. (Mark Sanford actually got himself elected to Congress not too long ago, remember that? Cripes.) Oh yeah, Anthony Weiner, almost forgot! So, so blissfully close to forgetting… So anyway, we figured — rather than wait for the next spectacular lapse of self-control, let’s just make up our own! We have written a story like one you might read on a real news place. After the jump, you can Fill In The Blanks of our story to create your very own juvenile political sex scandal, probably with the word “penis” in every sentence. Penis is not even a verb, guys, come on. Read more on Wonkette After Dark: Your Politician Sex Scandal Choose Your Own Word-Lib!…
  In Soviet Russia sex educates YOU!

Rep. Louie Gohmert Says Kids Don’t Need No Stinkin’ Sex Ed Because What Are We, The USSR?

It has been at least 24 hours since we brought you evidence of why Texas Rep. Louie Gohmert (R-Dumbfuckistan) is a perpetual contender for Wonkette’s coveted Legislative Shitmuffin of the Year Award. When last we swigged some brain bleach and checked on the bald bumbler, he was having a sad about poors getting fat on crab legs, which is not actually A Thing, but good ol’ Louie doesn’t need A Thing to actually be A Thing for him to have a sad about it. (See also Benghazi is much more importanter than immigration because argle motherfucking bargle.) In Gohmert’s latest submission for the Shitmuffin contest, he dumbsplains why sex ed is unnecessary because kids already know how to, like, do it and stuff: Let the kids be innocent. Let them dream. Let them play. Let them enjoy their life. You don’t have to force this sexuality stuff into their life at such a point. It was never intended to be that way. They’ll find out soon enough. And, in fact, … mankind has existed for a pretty long time without anyone ever having to give a sex-ed lesson to anybody. And now we feel like, oh gosh, people are too stupid to unless we force them to sit and listen to instructions. It’s just incredible. Read more on Rep. Louie Gohmert Says Kids Don’t Need No Stinkin’ Sex Ed Because What Are We, The USSR?…
  pass the popcorn

Was Hillary Too Busy Covering Up State Department’s Crackhead Pedobears To Stop Benghazi???

We are trying to read this CNN article about IMPEACH HILLARY’S BENGHINA!!!1! and it is just not making any sense to us. Here’s what we’ve got so far: There’s an as-yet unnamed whistle-blower (non-fame-whore variety, maybe) “who is a former senior inspector general investigator.” This person has retained a lawyer. This lawyer has shown CNN documents gathered by the whistle-blower APPEARING to show that Hillary Clinton’s State Department was a pretty fuckin wild place to work. The CNN article communicates this in bullet points, kind of, but what “memo” and what “ambassador” they’re talking about can at times be unclear. Best we can figure, the following is all self-evidently true and All Hillary Clinton’s Fault: Read more on Was Hillary Too Busy Covering Up State Department’s Crackhead Pedobears To Stop Benghazi???…
  Junior Anti-Sex League

Insane ‘Life League’ Deeply Butthurt: NY Times Rejected Dumb Ad Saying Planned Parenthood Gives Porn To Kids

(Video may be NSFW if your place of employment considers tiny cartoon genitalia pornographic) You may have thought that we had something called “Freedom of the Press” here in America, but it turns out that there is no freedom for people who simply want to buy an ad in the New York Times to explain that Planned Parenthood uses pornography to “indoctrinate children and teens into a sick culture of sex.” And here is a link on the internet to prove just how oppressed the “American Life League” is by the Stalinist New York Times! The League of angry dingbats therefore recently issued a statement “questioning why major news outlets like the New York Times and Washington Post have declined their recent request to run ads highlighting the methods Planned Parenthood uses to target young kids,” implying that the ads were rejected for their “graphic content” rather than for being “bugfuck insane.” Way to go, major media outlets! By rejecting these paranoid ads, you have simply proven the League’s point that Planned Parenthood’s pornographic sex ed materials are too obscene for a family newspaper. For God’s sake, Planned Parenthood even tells teenagers that masturbation is not embarrassing, in direct contravention of common sense, the Bible, and the Constitution of the United States. Read more on Insane ‘Life League’ Deeply Butthurt: NY Times Rejected Dumb Ad Saying Planned Parenthood Gives Porn To Kids…
  a real comer

Montana Legislator Dave Hagstrom Makes Run At Title With Homophobe/Die-Poors One-Two Punch

Ladies and gentlemen, do we have a new contender? Is Montana Rep. Dave Hagstrom here to take home the whole shebang with his one-two knockout punch? First Hagstrom wrote a fairly hilarious letter to all his tenants explaining that they were just going to have to die young for the good of the nation — before it was revealed that when it comes to federal moneys and his rentier lifestyle, a river runs through it. And then Montana Cowgirl gifted us with this video, above, where Hagstrom explains how gay penises should retract like ball point pens, because of how they are not “normative.” Aw man, next we are going to be hearing about Foucault and cis-privilege and hegemony and stuff, like we never escaped from grad school at all. Read more on Montana Legislator Dave Hagstrom Makes Run At Title With Homophobe/Die-Poors One-Two Punch…
  excess ain't rebellion

Terrible Gucci Fanboy, Sports Mythmaker Buzz Bissinger Proves Why Marginal Tax Rates Should Be 100 Percent

Remember last year when angry old sportswriter Harry “Buzz” Bissinger endorsed Mitt Romney because Mittens was totally lying about everything? It was probably non-sports fans’ first introduction to the douchepile that is Buzz Bissinger, so here is a quick primer. Back when the internet consisted of three Star Trek fans on a dial-up message board, Bissinger wrote a very good book about Texas high school football, which became a decent movie about Texas high school football, which inspired an incredible tv show about how Texas high school football teams only have to play well in the second half to win because of inspirational words. Bissinger has literally coasted on that book since the Soviet Union was still a thing. More recently, Bissinger is basically known as the guy who yelled at Deadspin’s Will Leitch because Bissinger couldn’t understand the difference between blog posts and blog comments. He also wrote an insufferable book about St. Louis Cardinals manager Tony LaRussa to refute the idea that Nate Silver-style gay math helps explain baseball. And, of course, there was that whole endorsing Mittens because he knew Mittens was a liar. Tuesday we learned that Buzz Bissinger is a worse human being than anyone previously imagined. Read more on Terrible Gucci Fanboy, Sports Mythmaker Buzz Bissinger Proves Why Marginal Tax Rates Should Be 100 Percent…
  needs more 'wriggling around in excrement'

Bryan Fischer Just Can’t Stop Thinking About Gays Having All The Gay Sex, Because Gay Sex Is So Gay And Wrong (Also Gay)

Bryan Fischer, Spokesweasel for the American Patriarchy Association and notorious power bottom, has a novel idea about the sudden popularity of all these gay people having rights as if they were actual Americans or something: He thinks that the only reason teh gheys have been making political headway lately is that Americans have not heard nearly enough information about the really gross things teh gheys do with their wieners and buttholes. Read more on Bryan Fischer Just Can’t Stop Thinking About Gays Having All The Gay Sex, Because Gay Sex Is So Gay And Wrong (Also Gay)…
  We Have Always Been At War With EastOrgasmia

Daily Caller Guy Pretty Weird About Sex

The Daily Caller’s Mark Judge is something of a genius, he wants you to know. This is a man who’s pretty sure The Blacks stole his bike and who finds metaphors for the “collapse of the old liberal order” in a base-ball player’s “indolence.” And now, if you have a moment, he would like to explain at you how the election of a new Pope proves that liberals are tremendous hypocrites who only pretend to care about “social justice,” when in fact the only freedom they care about is the freedom to be disgusting sex perverts bent on enacting the sexual and political agenda of ’60s radicals. All this is revealed in a column with the irresistible headline “The Revolutionary Orgasm.” At least now we understand why everyone in our Marxist cell keeps saying “Come the Revolution.” Read more on Daily Caller Guy Pretty Weird About Sex…
  This sounds right

‘Concerned Minnesotan’ Explains How Mixing Sperm, Butt Enzymes Causes AIDS

New American hero Mike Frey isn’t just an ordinary “concerned Minnesotan.” He is also a husband and father, so you can understand why he is so concerned about this gay marriage thing. He’s agin it and he wants to make sure Minnesota lawmakers are also agin this “gay marriage.” See, married people have sex. Like all the time. It’s crazy how much married people like to smoosh their privates together with each other. If the gays get married, then they’ll start having sex too. Like all the time. If the gays start having sex — they’re mostly celibate now — like those bunny-humping marrieds, it’ll be “sodomy.” That will spread AIDS. Because AIDS is caused, Mike Frey explains, by sperm getting into the colon and mixing with the enzymes. This is bad because AIDS can lead to “colds.” (Note: This man does not seem to be suffering from schizophrenia, so feel free to point and laugh liberal-guilt-free.) Read more on ‘Concerned Minnesotan’ Explains How Mixing Sperm, Butt Enzymes Causes AIDS…
  boning in the boneyard

Let’s Talk About The President’s Sex Life!

Does anybody here think newly resworn President Barack Hussein Obama is giving it to his beautiful wife like a husband should? (Or like our generous Wonkers would, so selflessly?) Does anybody here think newly resworn President Barack Hussein Obama is, say, puttin’ it to his wife like Old Handsome Joe Biden puts it to Dr. Jill? Exhibit A: Above is Dr. Jill Biden giving Joe “the eyes.” As we learned from Caity Weaver of Gawker, discussing the eyefucking ol’ Barack got from America’s new mom, the Thai prime minister, “the eyes” are a way of “subtly” telling someone, “‘I want to fuck you, bareback, maybe weird stuff,’ though she probably also said that un-subtly, with words.” Exhibit B: Read more on Let’s Talk About The President’s Sex Life!…
  blowvember

A Children’s Treasury Of Things In New SEC Lawsuit That Are More Hilarious Than Its Sex Triangle

Oh goody, another day, another set of government officials involved in a sex scandal. Rolling Stone brings us the ewww tale of SEC Inspector General David Kotz (ALLEGEDLY) boning every lawyer (like this pretty lady) with business before the agency, as well as his successor, Noelle Maloney, who then refused to meet with said lawyers because “DAVID WAS FUCKING THAT LADY!” Until we see pix, it’s no Broadwell-Kelley Tampa Tap-Out. So what else is in this 77 page whistleblower complaint, you might be wondering? Is it all seks and lies and intrigue? Well, sure there is some! But more hilarious are the accusations of gross malfeasance and incompetence, the likes of which (if true) may be egregious enough to compromise the functioning of Stock Exchange itself (to the degree that it functions right now, of course). No big deal though! Read more on A Children’s Treasury Of Things In New SEC Lawsuit That Are More Hilarious Than Its Sex Triangle…