Tag Archives: sex

  Grandma Kaili's Korner

Kids These Days Good At Math, Bad At F*cking

What squares!
Hello, American teenage teens, quick question for you: Why are you so goddamned boring? Do you not know how to be teenagers and do stupid rebellious teenage things, and get yourselves into trouble and be reckless and irresponsible and stupid, so you will learn all the important lessons about how to not do that when you are growed up? Obviously, yes: Read more on Kids These Days Good At Math, Bad At F*cking…
  LOLOL

Loser Dudes Who Harass Ladies Online Are Micropenis Losers In Real Life Too, Says Science

Is this yr Wonkette's secret admirer? MAYBE! XOXOXO
Are you ready for WONKET SCIENCE KORNER? Of course you are, because we are liberals and we love science! Let’s look at the Washington Post to find out what Studies Show today, oh look, Studies Show that if you are a man who is mean to ladies on the Internet, then you are a limp-dicked uneducated LOOOOOOSER lame-ass unwashed mass on the buttocks of America, and you would be sad about that if you weren’t so stupid: Read more on Loser Dudes Who Harass Ladies Online Are Micropenis Losers In Real Life Too, Says Science…
  Threesomes are cool too

Jimmy Carter Says Gay Boning Is Just All Right With Jesus

Fireside chat with Jesus about sex-type things.
Hurray, President Jimmy Carter, that commu-sexual Marxo-lesbian oldster who used to be president, and who is famously involved with the Southern Baptist church, even if he’s pretty pissed at those lady-hatin’ fools on a regular basis, has issued a new decree for us to obey, and it is about gays, and how Jesus of Nazareth would be just fine with gay marriage, as long as everybody treats each other nice-like and isn’t abusive: Read more on Jimmy Carter Says Gay Boning Is Just All Right With Jesus…
  They Saw Something Nasty In The Godshed

Duggar Wedding Scandal (Maybe): Did Jessa And Poor Ben Do It In The Church? (We Mean ‘Bone’) Update: No, Probably Not

Cover it ALL up.
UPDATE: Never Mind, looks like everybody , including Yr Wonkette, fell for a fake/satire blog. Good golly, looks like those virginal young scamps from the Duggar Clown Car — not that we’re calling them clowns, mind you — just might have been in such a big hurry to get their own quiver full that they couldn’t wait to leave church before doing the nasty. Allegedly, maybe. The news is apparently a big deal to people who follow the 19 Kids And Will You People Just Go Away? televisual entertainment programme. Read more on Duggar Wedding Scandal (Maybe): Did Jessa And Poor Ben Do It In The Church? (We Mean ‘Bone’) Update: No, Probably Not…
  Next Time Just Stick To Gluttony And Sloth

Pervy Nonagenarian Televangelist Did … Oh Jesus Christ

Now grab the back of your TV set...
It’s been a while since we’ve heard from the faith-healing ministry leader and televangelist Ernest Angley, who was also the the real-life inspiration for Robin Williams’s classic “Reverend Earnest Angry.” Until 35 years later, when Monday we read that Rev. Angley is doing his very best to out-Bake Jim Bakker and Out-Swagger Jimmy Swaggart. Those chumps may have been satisfied with mere sexxytimes shenanigans and fraud (Bakker), and sad masturbatory prostie visits (Swaggart), but by Crom, no way were such penny-ante scandals going to be enough for Ernest Angley. No, he’s going to close out his 60-something-year career with accusations of full-blown cultism, complete with creepy control over his flock’s sex lives — forcing men to have vasectomies and women to have abortions — and to top it off, several years of unwanted laying on of hands on a former pastor and allowing sexual abuse of boys in the church, allegedly. Read more on Pervy Nonagenarian Televangelist Did … Oh Jesus Christ…
  Fundamentalist Clap Trap

Be Biblically Correct Between The Sheets With These Duck Dynasty Sex Tips!

Great moments in industrial design
Great American Thinker Phil Robertson has some important advice on how to stay healthy, avoid the crotch rot, and have a satisfying sects life: “Biblically correct sex is safe,” Robertson said during a sermon in West Monroe, Louisiana last month. “It’s safe. You’re not going to get chlamydia, gonorrhea, syphilis, AIDS — if you, if a man marries a woman, and neither of you have it, and you keep your sex between the two of you, you’re not going to get ever sexually transmitted diseases.” Read more on Be Biblically Correct Between The Sheets With These Duck Dynasty Sex Tips!…
  the gods are smiling on us

Larry ‘Wide Stance’ Craig Is Back! And Guilty! Again!

Life is full of important lessons. Look both ways before crossing the street. If you are a professional sportsball player, don’t domestic violence a woman on video. Ladies, don’t get raped. And today, we learn a political lesson: If you are a closeted Republican politician soliciting anonymous gay sex in airport bathrooms, you CANNOT use campaign funds to try to reverse your guilty plea. Who knew?!? Read more on Larry ‘Wide Stance’ Craig Is Back! And Guilty! Again!…
  Like Todd Starnes Has Ever Seen A Big Condom

Fox’s Todd Starnes Exposes Big Condom-Public School Industrial Complex

Invading a middle school near you title=
Can’t get enough dick? We can never get enough dick — news about dicks, politicians being dicks, anonymous airport dick, and sometimes dicks talking about dick-things. Enter Todd Starnes, Fox News comment-spewer and host of the physical embodiment of all the worst insinuations of the word “dick.” His latest complaint: Public schools are beholden to Big Condoms. No, not the Magnum condoms that you buy to put in your nightstand to impress ladies who snoop, but which you never use because haha, get real.  We are talking about the Big Condom-Public School Industrial Complex, which is a 100 percent real thing, sheeple. Read more on Fox’s Todd Starnes Exposes Big Condom-Public School Industrial Complex…
  Purity Brawl

Jesus-Approved Sexytime Turns Happy Virgin Men Into Sad Confused Husbands

Day One
Now here’s a shocker: A new study finds that men who make “virginity pledges” get plenty of “social support to abstain from sex before the wedding night,” but once they get married, they no longer feel comfortable talking about all that sex they’re finally allowed to have. They’ve been taught to think of extramarital sex as “animalistic and foul,” but of the Marriage Bed as a place of sacred beauty, and so they often find themselves conflicted about sex. For some reason. Read more on Jesus-Approved Sexytime Turns Happy Virgin Men Into Sad Confused Husbands…
  I Am Mad About A Thing

Fifty Shades Of Meh, Who Cares, That Book Sucked And So Will The Movie

It’s baaaaaaaaack. Just as we were all beginning to forget that terrible, TERRIBLE Twilight-inspired tripe called Fifty Shades of Grey — do not even get me started on how 50 kinds of sad it is that E.L. James enjoyed Twilight so much, she wrote her very own fan-fic trilogy, which is basically the same story except with more sex, but not the wolf-on-virgin kind, and no sparkly vampires, and excuse me, but vampires do NOT sparkle, goddamnit, everyone knows that — now we get to relive the pain on the big screen. Of course we all remember how all the rage Fifty Shades was. It was SO all the rage that even Very Serious Writers like Ruth Marcus and Gene Weingarten and self-professed prude Mitch Albom debased themselves by reading the book so they could scoff at the little people who also read the book, but for pleasure not clickbait. In case you’re one of those people who wants to pretend you totally did not read any of those books — and you know who you are, AND YES YOU DID — allow me to bring back all the bad memories for you. Read more on Fifty Shades Of Meh, Who Cares, That Book Sucked And So Will The Movie…
  Doin It And Doin It And Doin It Well

We Heard About The Lamest Orgy Ever In Your PM Happy Links!

Whew! A lot happened this afternoon over at Happy Nice Time People. Mainly, the Internet went INSANE on us for our earlier post, Please Stop Bragging About Your Husband On Facebook. People got so happy about it, and also so mad, all over the Internet! If you haven’t checked it out, you should obviously check it out. But also we heard a hilarious story and then yr Editrix was like, “You need to write that story up and call it ‘The Lamest Orgy'” so we DID, hahahahhahahahaha. Don’t worry, we hid the identities of the humans involved, because we did not know them. Read more on We Heard About The Lamest Orgy Ever In Your PM Happy Links!…
  see also the erotic works of erma bombeck

Pat Robertson Explains Ideal Marriage: Dishwashing Should Totally Earn Men Sex

Teevee God-botherer Pat Robertson took a trip to the 1950s Tuesday, advising a caller to his 700 Club cable wasteland that when her husband does chores around the house, the only proper thing to do is to spread her legs, because that is the deal in a good Christian marriage. Have women forgotten how that works? Read more on Pat Robertson Explains Ideal Marriage: Dishwashing Should Totally Earn Men Sex…
  environmental porn agency

EPA Employee Looking For Pollution Two To Six Hours A Day, From The Comfort Of His Porn Stash

Does your job blow? Do you ever fantasize about just kicking back and watching porn all day, but wish you could still pull down a nice six-figure salary? Yeah, us too, so click on those goddam ads swirling around, ok? (Note: do not actually click on those ads unless they are things in which you are interested, or that is “click fraud.” DO NOT go to click-fraud jail!) Our other option would be to work for the Environmental Protection Agency, per HuffPo: An employee at the Environmental Protection Agency allegedly downloaded over 7,000 files of pornography on a government computer and watched them two to six hours per day, the agency’s investigative unit revealed Wednesday. First off, holy shit that is a lot of porn-watching! But could it have been work-related porn? Is the EPA seeking to give grants to environmentally friendly porn producers? Maybe there were lessons at the end of them, like “Tell corporate polluters to stop treating the world’s oceans like a woman’s face. No ejaculating onto the world’s oceans!” We’d support our tax dollars going to that. Let’s sexsplore.  Read more on EPA Employee Looking For Pollution Two To Six Hours A Day, From The Comfort Of His Porn Stash…
  wad!

Wonkette After Dark: Vance McAllister’s Romance McFailister, Miley Pelosi, & More!

Vance McAllister has allegedly kissed his own staff! Wow, way to go Stretch! No, we are joking, we know Vance McAllister didn’t finally master yoga’s forbidden Contented Dog, he was merely allegedly kissing a lady he shouldna been kissing. Yes, a kissing scandal. You probably have to go back to the first Cleveland administration to find a quainter tale of martial infidelity among the power elite. From the video, it looked like he had a shot at second base, don’t you think? Now, to us, marital infidelity is one thing — you can decide for yourself if you wouldn’t vote for a guy or gal who says one thing and sucks another — but when McAllister started talking about getting the FBI involved, thus guaranteeing a fresh round of headlines with his name in them next to words like “Wants To Get The FBI Involved In His CHEATING SCANDAL,” that’s when we knew we were dealing with a special kind of ass. Now, onto Sexy Miley Pelosi. Sexy Miley Pelosi is a gross maybe NSFW thing that we will show you. Read more on Wonkette After Dark: Vance McAllister’s Romance McFailister, Miley Pelosi, & More!…
  wad!

Wonkette After Dark: Your Politician Sex Scandal Choose Your Own Word-Lib!

Is it just us, or has it been a long time since we had a really revolting sex scandal? What was the last one, Bob Filner? That was a “good” one. We are trying to remember before that but Big Dave Petraeus, Mark “Soul Mate” Sanford, and Mr. Wide Stance Bromance Larry Craig are all mashed together in the men’s room of our memory. Maybe those weren’t all revolting, but a lot of words were writ upon the subject of their humpings, so many that we got bored, even of the Petraeus one which was fairly actually sexy. (Mark Sanford actually got himself elected to Congress not too long ago, remember that? Cripes.) Oh yeah, Anthony Weiner, almost forgot! So, so blissfully close to forgetting… So anyway, we figured — rather than wait for the next spectacular lapse of self-control, let’s just make up our own! We have written a story like one you might read on a real news place. After the jump, you can Fill In The Blanks of our story to create your very own juvenile political sex scandal, probably with the word “penis” in every sentence. Penis is not even a verb, guys, come on. Read more on Wonkette After Dark: Your Politician Sex Scandal Choose Your Own Word-Lib!…
  In Soviet Russia sex educates YOU!

Rep. Louie Gohmert Says Kids Don’t Need No Stinkin’ Sex Ed Because What Are We, The USSR?

It has been at least 24 hours since we brought you evidence of why Texas Rep. Louie Gohmert (R-Dumbfuckistan) is a perpetual contender for Wonkette’s coveted Legislative Shitmuffin of the Year Award. When last we swigged some brain bleach and checked on the bald bumbler, he was having a sad about poors getting fat on crab legs, which is not actually A Thing, but good ol’ Louie doesn’t need A Thing to actually be A Thing for him to have a sad about it. (See also Benghazi is much more importanter than immigration because argle motherfucking bargle.) In Gohmert’s latest submission for the Shitmuffin contest, he dumbsplains why sex ed is unnecessary because kids already know how to, like, do it and stuff: Let the kids be innocent. Let them dream. Let them play. Let them enjoy their life. You don’t have to force this sexuality stuff into their life at such a point. It was never intended to be that way. They’ll find out soon enough. And, in fact, … mankind has existed for a pretty long time without anyone ever having to give a sex-ed lesson to anybody. And now we feel like, oh gosh, people are too stupid to unless we force them to sit and listen to instructions. It’s just incredible. Read more on Rep. Louie Gohmert Says Kids Don’t Need No Stinkin’ Sex Ed Because What Are We, The USSR?…