Tag: sequester

The Sarah Palin Fartknocker Report, Presented By Fartknocker

The Fartknocker Report: Add China To List Of Countries Sarah Palin Can See From Her House

If you enjoyed the Inception-inspired editing featured in last week's Fartknocker Report, you will be a sad panda today, because Sarah Palin's back to her standard derpsplaining-into-the-camera format. She published five videos this week, which might make it seem like...
Glad that's all behind us now

Obama Is Bad Commie, Shrinks Deficit Again

Do you remember the Great Deficit Panic of 2011? How Obamacare and The Stimulus and the GM Bailout were going to bankrupt the country? How our children were going to be left roaming the streets, forced to dumpster-dive for...

GOP Rep. So Mad At Takers, Obama For Military Cuts That Aren’t Actually Cuts

If Congress signs off on the Pentagon's latest plans, the US Army will be smaller than it's been since before your grandpa fought at the Battle of the Bulge, Iwo Jima, Pearl Harbor, D-Day, X-Men, and Cracker Barrel, yer...

Joe Wilson Wants To Know Why Obama Cares More About Gassed Children In Syria Than Benghazi & IRS Atrocities

In a desperate bid to be remembered for something even stupider than yelling "You lie!" about a factual statement in a presidential address, Joe Wilson used his time at Wednesday's House hearings on whether to blow stuff up in...

Your Monday Nice Time: Chris Wallace Yells At Eric Cantor For Failing at Congress

"Why is Congress full of morons, Eric Cantor? Why does it suck so very very hard, Eric Cantor? Why is attempting to repeal Obamacare your go-to solution for just about every pressing problem facing the American people, Eric Cantor?...

It Has Been Far Too Long Since We Were Mean To Charles Krauthammer

A guest post from your compatriot Alex Ruthrauff, aka "Sheriff Joe Biden." Charles Krauthammer is known to many Americans as a roasted chicken perched atop a can of cheap domestic beer. He has a lucrative job writing untrue things...

Nation’s Travelers Can Return to Being Inconvenienced By TSA Now That Air Traffic Controllers Back to Work

Who says Congress cannot agree on anything? This is patently untrue because your Wonkette has easily found three instances of broad bipartisan consensus. They are: 1. The fact that T.V. commercials were too damn loud. 2. Israel is our very...

Barack Obama Thinks Giving Back Part of His Salary Will Shut Up the Screeching Howler Monkeys

Barack Obama, the president of these here United States, has given back five percent of his salary in solidarity with the most tragic victims the world has ever known: children what didn't get to go on their White House...

Matthew Boyle’s Latest Crusade For Breitbart’s Corpse: Let’s Put Those Awful Obama Daughters In Their Place

Striking a blow for Freedom from Decency and the "gentlemen's agreements" that have for too long kept presidents' children from being the political punching bags that 11 and 14 year olds totally need to be, Breitbart.com's Chaotic Evil Shitbag...

Newsmax Shocker: Stupid Dumb Jerk Joe Biden Slept In Hotel, Is Your New Marie Antoinette

Go to the kitchen and fix some macaroni and cut-up hot dog's, Michelle Obama, there is a new Marie Antoinette in town running up shocking tabs on the taxpayers' dime -- one hundred million dimes? One thousand dimes? Somewhere...

Sequester Eliminates Position Of White House Taster, President To Starve

Bammerz is still holding his lame ass meetings with Congressional Republicans in his latest flailing attempt to show them that he too wants to inflict as much needless pain on the vulnerable with stupid spending cuts. Apparently it was...

Republican Sequester Strategy As Smart And Honest As All Their Other Ones

On Friday, President Obama got all farmisht in his kepele and mixed up his sci-fi universes, causing nerds everywhere to explode like a peaceful planet that has no weapons under assault by a fleet of Klingon Birds of Prey....

Obama Crosses Nerd Streams, Every Molecule Of Internet Explodes At Speed Of Light

President Obama's reference to a "Jedi mind meld" at a press conference shook the geekosphere Friday, leading many to doubt his credentials as nerd in chief. Anguished tweets about the gaffe flooded the internet, as if millions of voices...

Conservatives Unable To Contain Their Glee As The Sequester Punishes Insolent Subhumans

Happy Sequester Day everyone! Do you have anything special plans to mark this joyous occasion of across the board spending cuts to federally funded programs? No? Well most moochers are pretty upset by this wholesale abandonment of spending...

Peggy Noonan Will Now Slur Her One-Million Word Book Report At You

We still get a wee thrill of joy every time there's a new Peggy Noonan column. There's a certain sad delight in watching someone who penned some of the best speeches of the last 50 years turn into the...

GOP Finger-Pointing Blame-Gaming Everyone Possible (Obama) Over This Sequester Nonsense

John Boehner is mad as hell, and he’s not going to take it anymore! So the Smoking Man dragged his rich Corinthian leather hide in front of a room full of reporters to say that the House of Representatives...