Tag Archives: sequester

  We Watch So You Don't Have To

The Fartknocker Report: Add China To List Of Countries Sarah Palin Can See From Her House

The Sarah Palin Fartknocker Report, Presented By Fartknocker
If you enjoyed the Inception-inspired editing featured in last week’s Fartknocker Report, you will be a sad panda today, because Sarah Palin’s back to her standard derpsplaining-into-the-camera format. She published five videos this week, which might make it seem like she put in a full work week. On closer inspection, however, Palin’s wearing the same jacket in two videos published two days apart, with a total run time of 10 whole minutes and 24 seconds. Both videos focus on Obama’s foreign policy failures, and we will bet our bottom Bitcoin she shot them both in the same sitting. We are really not joking about Palin running a terrifyingly efficient grift in the game. Read more on The Fartknocker Report: Add China To List Of Countries Sarah Palin Can See From Her House…
  romney would have done it better

Obama Is Bad Commie, Shrinks Deficit Again

Glad that's all behind us now
Do you remember the Great Deficit Panic of 2011? How Obamacare and The Stimulus and the GM Bailout were going to bankrupt the country? How our children were going to be left roaming the streets, forced to dumpster-dive for scraps because of oppressive socialist taxes? How we had The Sequester? How the Very Serious People decided Obama needed to Show Leadership, and how the president was willing to gut Social Security to appease the Ron Fucking Fourniers of the Beltway? How this mercifully fell apart because the Republicans weren’t willing to tax the Rich even if Obama ratfucked the Olds? How we had a Deficit Commission that was supposed to reach a Grand Bargain but could not because the Republicans were like we will only give you a Grand Bargain if you do everything we say, otherwise fuck this shit? And how none of this could possibly be George W. Bush’s fault, even though he dropped a $1.4 million deficit turd on Obummer’s desk on his way out of the Oval? Read more on Obama Is Bad Commie, Shrinks Deficit Again…
  hot buttered guns

GOP Rep. So Mad At Takers, Obama For Military Cuts That Aren’t Actually Cuts

If Congress signs off on the Pentagon’s latest plans, the US Army will be smaller than it’s been since before your grandpa fought at the Battle of the Bulge, Iwo Jima, Pearl Harbor, D-Day, X-Men, and Cracker Barrel, yer Gramma got a coupon. This might look like a “cut” in the sense that something is being reduced, except it’s not; the Pentagon plans to spend $115 billion more over the next five years than the Budget Control Act of 2011, aka the sequester, would have permitted. Remember the sequester? The thing that such members of Congress as GOP Rep. Mike McCaul of Texas voted for? The sequester cut the defense budget by about 10%! It was “devastating,” we heard! So such members of Congress as GOP Rep. Mike McCaul are probably thrilled with the idea of giving $115 more billion dollars to our military, right? “It’s all being sacrificed … on the altar of entitlements. This president cannot take on mandatory spending, so all we’ve done in the Congress — and this president — is basically cut discretionary spending,” [Rep. McCaul] told Fox News. Yep, he’s thrilled all right! He has found another thing to point at and yell “Obama takers did a socialism!” while being a huge hypocrite at the very same time. Mike McCaul for Darrell Issa 2016! Read more on GOP Rep. So Mad At Takers, Obama For Military Cuts That Aren’t Actually Cuts…
  joey wilson's war

Joe Wilson Wants To Know Why Obama Cares More About Gassed Children In Syria Than Benghazi & IRS Atrocities

In a desperate bid to be remembered for something even stupider than yelling “You lie!” about a factual statement in a presidential address, Joe Wilson used his time at Wednesday’s House hearings on whether to blow stuff up in Syria to ask, now wait one darn minute here, why are we even talking about this when the IRS gassed tea party groups’ tax exemptions to death? What about the red line of Obamacare? Shouldn’t we use cruise missiles on the sequester? All excellent questions! Read more on Joe Wilson Wants To Know Why Obama Cares More About Gassed Children In Syria Than Benghazi & IRS Atrocities…
  Faux Nooz

Your Monday Nice Time: Chris Wallace Yells At Eric Cantor For Failing at Congress

“Why is Congress full of morons, Eric Cantor? Why does it suck so very very hard, Eric Cantor? Why is attempting to repeal Obamacare your go-to solution for just about every pressing problem facing the American people, Eric Cantor? Aren’t we heading for a major disaster because you guys are too busy playing grabass to actually get down to the work of real governance?” Excellent questions! And would you believe us if we told you that they were asked by none other than Fox News’ Chris Wallace? Yes! Really! And we have video to prove it! It starts with a tight shot of Eric Cantor’s smarmy mug, and him saying something about cutting all the “regulation coming out of this town,” and you think to yourself, MY GOD WHY AM I WATCHING FOX NEWS. But then BAM! Chris Wallace jumps in and is all, “are you an idiot, or are you counting on the fact that I won’t call you an idiot on the air, because it is Fox News?” Read more on Your Monday Nice Time: Chris Wallace Yells At Eric Cantor For Failing at Congress…
  it's not a lie if you believe it

It Has Been Far Too Long Since We Were Mean To Charles Krauthammer

A guest post from your compatriot Alex Ruthrauff, aka “Sheriff Joe Biden.” Charles Krauthammer is known to many Americans as a roasted chicken perched atop a can of cheap domestic beer. He has a lucrative job writing untrue things about important topics like politics, war, economics and history in order to prevent too many people from becoming informed. He must be very smart because he has figured out a way to get newspapers like The Washington Post to pay him huge sums of money for writing untrue things even though The Washington Post Company’s own motto (?) is “informing people through education and media”, which is another way of saying “the opposite of what Charles Krauthammer does for us, for money.” If The Washington Post were a plumber, Charles Krauthammer would be the gnawed-up corncob the plumber flushes down your toilet, because fuck you. (Jennifer Rubin is also the corncob.) Charles Krauthammer’s most recent thing he wrote for money goes on and on about how Obama is now “dead in the water” because he is a loser, for example sequester, immigration, terrorists, guns, etc. OK, while these are surely disputable assertions, they aren’t false per se. What’s going on here?! Oh thank goodness—here we go: Read more on It Has Been Far Too Long Since We Were Mean To Charles Krauthammer…
  fingerpointing blamegaming

Nation’s Travelers Can Return to Being Inconvenienced By TSA Now That Air Traffic Controllers Back to Work

Who says Congress cannot agree on anything? This is patently untrue because your Wonkette has easily found three instances of broad bipartisan consensus. They are: 1. The fact that T.V. commercials were too damn loud. 2. Israel is our very best friend forever. 3.  The fact that air traffic control furloughs lead to massive inconvenience for members of Congress as well as the nation’s business travelers. But whose FAULT is it that the sequester led to the furlough of 1500 air traffic controllers? Is it: Read more on Nation’s Travelers Can Return to Being Inconvenienced By TSA Now That Air Traffic Controllers Back to Work…
  stop hitting yourself

Barack Obama Thinks Giving Back Part of His Salary Will Shut Up the Screeching Howler Monkeys

Barack Obama, the president of these here United States, has given back five percent of his salary in solidarity with the most tragic victims the world has ever known: children what didn’t get to go on their White House tours. So that’s … nice? We guess? But if anybody in the administration thinks that will make Sean Hannity and Ghost Andrew Breitbart stop hitting them, they probably caught brain-eating syphilis from the Stupidest Man on the Internet, Jim Hoft. Read more on Barack Obama Thinks Giving Back Part of His Salary Will Shut Up the Screeching Howler Monkeys…
  fear of a black vacation

Matthew Boyle’s Latest Crusade For Breitbart’s Corpse: Let’s Put Those Awful Obama Daughters In Their Place

Striking a blow for Freedom from Decency and the “gentlemen’s agreements” that have for too long kept presidents’ children from being the political punching bags that 11 and 14 year olds totally need to be, Breitbart.com’s Chaotic Evil Shitbag Matthew Boyle triumphantly revealed the specific location where Sasha and Malia Obama are vacationing (link is to MediaMatters, not to Boyle, because we agree with Charlie Pierce: “No link, because fk that pudgy little monster”). In spite of possible security concerns and a “longstanding and informal agreement between successive administrations and the White House Correspondents’ Association,” Boyle found evidence that was so compelling that he absolutely had to reveal the information: Any combination of the name “Obama” and “vacation” generates crazy numbers of pageviews. Seriously. Just about any crap that claims to “reveal” the allegedly extravagant lifestyle of the Obamas will get idiots to flock to it. Read more on Matthew Boyle’s Latest Crusade For Breitbart’s Corpse: Let’s Put Those Awful Obama Daughters In Their Place…
  off with his head

Newsmax Shocker: Stupid Dumb Jerk Joe Biden Slept In Hotel, Is Your New Marie Antoinette

Go to the kitchen and fix some macaroni and cut-up hot dog’s, Michelle Obama, there is a new Marie Antoinette in town running up shocking tabs on the taxpayers’ dime — one hundred million dimes? One thousand dimes? Somewhere in between? MATH. And that someone is Old Handsome Stupid Dumb Jerk Joe Biden, who thinks that just because he is the “vice president” of the “United States” and he is going to Europe to “meet with” David Cameron in London and do something in Paris (“surrender,” probably), he gets to stay in a hotel. What the fuck dude, too good for Airbnb? Read more on Newsmax Shocker: Stupid Dumb Jerk Joe Biden Slept In Hotel, Is Your New Marie Antoinette…
  lobster salad summit

Sequester Eliminates Position Of White House Taster, President To Starve

Bammerz is still holding his lame ass meetings with Congressional Republicans in his latest flailing attempt to show them that he too wants to inflict as much needless pain on the vulnerable with stupid spending cuts. Apparently it was Susan Collins’ turn to have her special day with the President and as such she brought a Maine-themed feast full of shellfish and blueberry pie. However the President didn’t touch this succulent lunch, and not because he felt uncomfortable with Senator Collins bringing him a big plate of aphrodisiacs: “Unfortunately, you know, the president can’t….He looked longingly at it..He honestly did look longingly at it, but apparently he has to have essentially a taster, and I pointed out to him that we were all tasters for him, that if the food had been poisoned all of us would have keeled over so, but he did look longingly at it and he remarked that we have far better food than the Democrats do, and I said that was because I was hosting.” Okay it seems that we’ve learned a few things from this. First of all thanks to the President we now know that Senator Klobuchar’s “Taconite Tater Tot Hot Dish” is as gross as it sounds. Secondly: Obama has a food taster? Oh sweet Indonesian Curried Dog Stew we are never going to hear the end of this. Read more on Sequester Eliminates Position Of White House Taster, President To Starve…
  The intention is not in the least that of plunging men into despair

Republican Sequester Strategy As Smart And Honest As All Their Other Ones

On Friday, President Obama got all farmisht in his kepele and mixed up his sci-fi universes, causing nerds everywhere to explode like a peaceful planet that has no weapons under assault by a fleet of Klingon Birds of Prey. Way to alienate your biggest constituency, Nobummer! Still, when the smoke from the laser blasters cleared, the question remained: what on this or any other unexploded planet could Barack Obama possibly do to get Republicans to actually negotiate a deal to stop this stupid sequester thing? Would anyone like to guess, after the jump? Read more on Republican Sequester Strategy As Smart And Honest As All Their Other Ones…
  By Grabthar's Hammer I will always be your friend

Obama Crosses Nerd Streams, Every Molecule Of Internet Explodes At Speed Of Light

President Obama’s reference to a “Jedi mind meld” at a press conference shook the geekosphere Friday, leading many to doubt his credentials as nerd in chief. Anguished tweets about the gaffe flooded the internet, as if millions of voices suddenly cried out in terror and refused to shut up. And Serious News Organizations carefully explained that in George Roddenberry’s Star Wars movies, a “Jedi Mind trick” is a means of using The Force to impose a Jedi’s will upon weak minds, whereas in Star Trek, a “mind meld” is a psychic joining of two consiousnesses, as practiced by the enigmatic Dr. Spock, who is a “Tribble.” Read more on Obama Crosses Nerd Streams, Every Molecule Of Internet Explodes At Speed Of Light…
  kill the poors

Conservatives Unable To Contain Their Glee As The Sequester Punishes Insolent Subhumans

Happy Sequester Day everyone! Do you have anything special plans to mark this joyous occasion of across the board spending cuts to federally funded programs? No? Well most moochers are pretty upset by this wholesale abandonment of spending in the public interest. Only some enlightened people can see the glorious utopia that is on the precipice of becoming a reality now that we won’t be wasting money on the ungrateful masses. While most non-masochists abandoned even the pretense of giving a single solitary fuck about the “sequester” or any other issue regarding the national budget, others have had to sit on their hands and suppress their desire to orgasm in public at the thought of drastic cuts to social welfare programs. One of those people, not surprisingly, is Fox News contributor and apprentice demon from the 7th circle of hell Charles Krauthammer, who addresses the concerns of those of us who are wary about the logic of purposefully clubbing the fragile infant seal that is our economy with his most recent Wa-Po editorial “Hail Armageddon.” Read more on Conservatives Unable To Contain Their Glee As The Sequester Punishes Insolent Subhumans…
  first you take a drink then the drink takes a drink

Peggy Noonan Will Now Slur Her One-Million Word Book Report At You

We still get a wee thrill of joy every time there’s a new Peggy Noonan column. There’s a certain sad delight in watching someone who penned some of the best speeches of the last 50 years turn into the drunk lady at the country club – persistent, but mostly harmless. Before you ask, no we are not engaging in hyperbole about Peg’s former writing chops. Go read Reagan’s address to the nation after the Challenger explosion. We’ll wait. Read more on Peggy Noonan Will Now Slur Her One-Million Word Book Report At You…
  Fiscal Freakout

GOP Finger-Pointing Blame-Gaming Everyone Possible (Obama) Over This Sequester Nonsense

John Boehner is mad as hell, and he’s not going to take it anymore! So the Smoking Man dragged his rich Corinthian leather hide in front of a room full of reporters to say that the House of Representatives had done all it would do to avoid the upcoming sequester, and now is the time for the Senate “to get off its ass.” Salty! We are sure Lindsey Graham promptly swooned upon his fainting couch while calling for one of his aides to bring him a paper fan and a mint julep. It is all part of the blame game in Washington over the latest gimmick our leaders ginned up so that the Tea Party Caucus can continue holding its breath until it turns blue. Read more on GOP Finger-Pointing Blame-Gaming Everyone Possible (Obama) Over This Sequester Nonsense…