Tag Archives: senate

  that'll show 'em

Republicans To Make Eric Holder Attorney General For Life To Teach Democrats A Lesson

They just can't seem to quit him
Aren’t Republicans supposed to hate Attorney General Eric Holder with every molecule of their rotten beings because of how he has done all that race warring and fast-and-furiousing and being black while being black? Yes, that’s what we thought too. But even though Holder has been trying to quit his job, Senate Republicans just won’t let him. Those guys are so fickle, aren’t they? Read more on Republicans To Make Eric Holder Attorney General For Life To Teach Democrats A Lesson…
  Cloture? I barely know her

Mitch McConnell’s Plan To Woo Democrats With Insults Not Working. Huh.

Hmm, being Majority Leader is not going the way Mitch McConnell dreamed it would...
Yesterday in the long-running, apparently-never-gonna-close national production of Our Senate Sucks (now in its 226th year!), Mitch McConnell continued to be the worst lead since Styles Bridges had the entire place fumigated for gay cooties. With the bipartisan bill to fight human trafficking stalled over the GOP’s inclusion of irrelevant anti-abortion language, the Turtle suggested that for Democrats, “surely no left-wing special interest group is more important than fighting modern-day slavery.” Read more on Mitch McConnell’s Plan To Woo Democrats With Insults Not Working. Huh….
 

House Republicans Desperately Seeking A Lady, Any Lady, To Make Them Not Look So Bad

Aw, are Republicans have another lady problem? It’s been 24 hours, so yeah, that sounds about right: When House Administration Committee Chairwoman Candice Miller retires and hands over her gavel next year, GOP leaders will be facing a familiar quandary: finding another female lawmaker to lead a committee. Read more on House Republicans Desperately Seeking A Lady, Any Lady, To Make Them Not Look So Bad…
  dehydration makes you stupid

Marco Rubio Says Dumb Words About Iran, Is Dumb And Stupid. Huh!

Stay thirsty, my friends
Florida Senator Marco “Polo” Rubio, your next president in his own head, is a self-styled Deep Thinker and Very Serious Person™, and as such, he has Concerns with the deal “President” Obama is negotiating with Iran. (Of course Rubio, a vacuous cypher, was one of the 47 traitors Republican senators who sent that har-har-just-kidding letter telling Iran that the fake president’s negotiations don’t really count, and of course he tried to raise money off of it.) Read more on Marco Rubio Says Dumb Words About Iran, Is Dumb And Stupid. Huh!…
  lighten up francis

Traitor Republicans: Can’t Obama And Iran Take A Joke?

Hmm, yeah, still not funny
Oh, those Republicans, just jokin’ around all the time about how President Obama was born in Kenya (still fresh!) and reads his speeches from TelePrompters (that never gets old!) and is not going to be president forever, so Iran should not even bother negotiating its nuclear program with this particular lame duck White House. Read more on Traitor Republicans: Can’t Obama And Iran Take A Joke?…
  Leadership is so. hard.

Senate Republicans Sneak Abortion Stuff Into Human Trafficking Bill, Why Not?

yup, burn it
This week, the Senate tried to do something unusual — they tried to tee up a piece of bipartisan legislation called the Justice For Victims of Human Trafficking Act. Because who could be against that? Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY) had hoped to bring the bill to the floor to smooth over the bad feelings he caused when he hinted last week that the Senate was going to vote on a bill to let the Senate be President of Everything Related to Iran. Democrats threatened to filibuster, so McConnell, already sick of being filibustered and embarrassed by Democrats, decided to cut his losses and bring up the bipartisan human trafficking bill instead. That would have been lovely, if it hadn’t imploded. Leadership is so hard, you guys. Read more on Senate Republicans Sneak Abortion Stuff Into Human Trafficking Bill, Why Not?…
  For his next trick he'll teach high school civics

Sen. Tom Cotton’s Iran Mash Note Not Working Out That Well For Him Actually

Now you listen here Mister Sassy Iranian Foreign Minister!
Sen. Tom Cotton, Arkansas teabagger and the world’s foremost expert on how to win friends and influence people, appeared on “Morning Joe” to explain why he is not a traitor for writing a letter to the leaders of Iran explaining that President Obama doesn’t really have any authority, so ignore him. Read more on Sen. Tom Cotton’s Iran Mash Note Not Working Out That Well For Him Actually…
  He's groping for the right words

Joe Biden Literally Cannot Believe What Dicks Republican Senators Are

On Monday we learned about a gang of 47 Senate Republicans who really respect the fuck out of the office of the president, so much so that they sent an “open letter” to “the leaders of the Islamic Republic of Iran,” helpfully hinting that Iran should not even bother negotiating with “President” Obama, because once the GOP gets another white guy in there, they’re going to repeal the bejesus out of Barry H. Bamz’s two terms, including any deals he mistakenly thinks he has the authority to make. Read more on Joe Biden Literally Cannot Believe What Dicks Republican Senators Are…
  Democrats are the boss of them

Boehner, McConnell Bound, Gagged, Crawling To Democrats For Help, Punishment

Bourbon-swilling Republican Mitch McConnell has not been Senate majority leader for very long, but he has already learned an important lesson about how governing is kind of hard, actually. Who knew? Democrats had to tell him, four times, that they would not vote for a bill to fund the Department of Homeland Security that included a provision telling Barack Obama he is a terrible THE WORST president and cannot just run around issuing executive orders like all the other presidents, before he was like, “OK, fine, we’ll do it your way.” Read more on Boehner, McConnell Bound, Gagged, Crawling To Democrats For Help, Punishment…
  Case settled then

Sen. Inhofe: If Global Warming Is Real, Where Did I Get This Snowball?

He's got your 'global warming' right here!
Oklahoma Republican Sen. James (“Jim” to his friends, “Dickface” to most of America) Inhofe knows global warming is a hoax, as he has proven repeatedly, why won’t you dumb people listen to him instead of all those “scientists” who say otherwise? (No, not the scientists paid by the oil and gas industry to deny climate change is real; the other 99 percent of scientists who say yes it is TOO real.) Read more on Sen. Inhofe: If Global Warming Is Real, Where Did I Get This Snowball?…
  McConnell cries uncle

Mitch McConnell Outwits Obama By Letting Him Keep Immigration And DHS Funding

Being a grown up is hard
Remember when Republicans were going to teach President Obama a lesson by refusing to fund the Department of Homeland Security until he apologized for not hating immigrants? And the plan was to keep holding a vote on the same bill over and over and over again, no matter how many times Senate Democrats said “hell nope,” because that would really show them! That was the brilliant GOP strategy as recently as Monday, when Congress returned from vacay to hold a vote on the same bill for the fourth time, which failed for the fourth time because Republicans are slow learners who have no new ideas and suck at governing and also math. Read more on Mitch McConnell Outwits Obama By Letting Him Keep Immigration And DHS Funding…
  anything less than grand theft is a felony

Stop, Collaborate and Put Your F*cking Hands Up: Your Florida Roundup

Flow like a harpoon daily and nightly
Welcome back to Florida, the quintessential backdrop for Sharknado III, where it’s weirdly not warm outside — though it ain’t like Ithaca — and we’re all freaking out a little bit because nobody has any winter clothes, thanks Obama. Read more on Stop, Collaborate and Put Your F*cking Hands Up: Your Florida Roundup…
 

Gee Does It Seem Like Elizabeth Warren Knows More About Banks Than This Bank Lobbyist Does?

Sen. Elizabeth Warren has been so busy yelling, in her polite schoolmarm voice, of course, at ALL the bad guys — Big Pharma and anti-vaxxers and her Senate colleagues on the other side of the aisle who think they work for Citibank (they do not) — that it’s nice to see her get back to her roots of yelling at those som’bitch banker types who tried to bankrupt America. Read more on Gee Does It Seem Like Elizabeth Warren Knows More About Banks Than This Bank Lobbyist Does?…
  Crimes and Misdemeanors

Ted Cruz’s Underage Drinking Is The Only Thing We Like About Him

President Ted Cruz (R-Not Really)
Yesterday, Buzzfeed reported that prominent Canadian gag gift Sen. Ted Cruz pled guilty to possession of alcohol as a minor in 1987. He was but a little Cruzlet in high school shortpants when he got pulled over (racially profiled?) with a fresh case of beer in his car, whoops! Put that shit in the trunk, son! Did a young Rafael Edward Cruz waive his Fourth Amendment rights? Impeach. Read more on Ted Cruz’s Underage Drinking Is The Only Thing We Like About Him…
  Here have some news n stuff

Ted Cruz Just Gonna Wage A Little All-Out Civil War In The Senate, No Big

But who is he REALLY?
Don’t you just love the smell of Republican civil war in the morning? Actual Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell is desperate to show everyone just how grown-up and leadership-y and Get Things Done he can be, but Not-Actual Senate Majority Leader Ted Cruz has other ideas, and he’s not wasting any time enlisting senatorial newbies to help him show those wimpy RINOs who the REAL boss of everyone is: Read more on Ted Cruz Just Gonna Wage A Little All-Out Civil War In The Senate, No Big…
  rap battles

Who Will Be California’s Next Barbara Boxer? (Hint: It Is Probably Scott Brown)

Breaking political news to grandchildren is the pits
Well, it had to happen sometime, and apparently that “sometime” is 2016, because Barbara Boxer, one of the best liberals to ever lib up the Senate chamber with her San Francisco valyews, has announced to her grandson on video that she will not be seeking re-election in 2016, citing her desire to spend more time with her California. Is she RETIRING, though? Golly gee no, because there are still many, many things to be done. We are not certain whether she intended to release this announcement, or whether her grandson set this video to “public” on accident, but it’s out there now, can’t go back! Let’s watch it. I’ll live-blog, you laugh, got it? Me type words, you react in jolly manner. Let’s go: Read more on Who Will Be California’s Next Barbara Boxer? (Hint: It Is Probably Scott Brown)…
  Customer Service Agreement With America

GOP Senate Says Obama Must Make Sweet Love To America’s Oil Lobbyists, Or Else

Definitely winning
Republicans formally took control of the United States Senate on Tuesday, free at last to indulge in their love of sweet, sweet, crude and its associated lobbyists — a love that has been forbidden by their overly-strict totalitarian dad, Barack Obama, who made no secret that he did not approve. The GOP has been waiting eight long years, staring longingly out the window, so they’ve had plenty of time to think about the best way to approach this promising courtship. We thought they might keep their love under wraps the way they’ve been yammering on about bipartisan cooperation and compromise, leading us to think they’d start their new session with something Father Barry likes. Maybe service dogs for veterans? The Little Old Lady Street-Crossing Assistance Act of 2015? National Fuzzy Kitten Appreciation Day? Let’s check in! Read more on GOP Senate Says Obama Must Make Sweet Love To America’s Oil Lobbyists, Or Else…