Tag Archives: senate

  Here have some news n stuff

Mean Harry Reid Might Make Senators Do Some Work In December

Sooooooooo mean!
Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid is one mean grinch. Because the Senate, as well as the House of Representatives, has been so busy not working all year, Reid’s threatening to murder Christmas vacation, which for most Americans is maybe a day or two, but for the lazy sacks of lazy in Congress is usually about three weeks. Read more on Mean Harry Reid Might Make Senators Do Some Work In December…
  Outreach? What outreach?

GOP: Thanks For The Votes Ladies, We’ll Take It From Here

In theory anyway
Republicans aren’t too keen on putting women in charge. In the US House of Representatives, men will chair 20 of 21 committees next year. Assignments aren’t finalized for the new GOP leadership in the US Senate, but Lisa Murkowski appears to be the only woman to chair a committee on that side of the Capitol as well. And MSNBC just reported that 79 percent of chiefs of staff for Republican Senators and Members of Congress are male (compared with 60 percent for Democrats). Read more on GOP: Thanks For The Votes Ladies, We’ll Take It From Here…
  Here have some news n stuff

John Boehner to Medicare: Drop Dead!

Finally a reason to smile
For a guy who keeps insisting he will impeach the hell out of Obamacare, Weeper of the House John Boehner sure does seem to like it. A LOT. Now that he is 65 years orange, he’s eligible for Social Security and Medicare, as his good friend across the aisle and excellent Twitter troll Nancy Pelosi reminded him. You’d think he’d be so grateful to finally be able to opt out of a health insurance system he hates so he can opt in to the taxpayer-funded socialized healthcare system known as Medicare. But no! Read more on John Boehner to Medicare: Drop Dead!…
  nice time!

Senate Dems Throw Elizabeth Warren-Shaped Bone To Annoying Liberal Base

Liz Warren, easy riding over the banks
The Huffington Post reports that popular populist Sen. Elizabeth Warren will assume a new leadership role in the rump Democratic caucus. She will be “crafting the party’s messaging and policy” in a “new position created specifically for her,” which is a notable departure from what happened the last time a position was created specifically for her and Richard Cordray filled it instead, how rude! Read more on Senate Dems Throw Elizabeth Warren-Shaped Bone To Annoying Liberal Base…
  Poutine Eating Surrender Monkey

BREAKING: Ted Cruz Rolls Over, Asks Mitch McConnell To Rub His Belly

Everything is Awesome!
Hey, remember when Sen. Ted Cruz (R-Calgary) refused to commit to supporting Mitch McConnell as Majority Leader, right after McConnell engineered a takeover of the Senate? It’s a politically sensible position from a Tea Party contrarian dickhead senator, and surely it presaged the kind of reasonable, policy-based debate that has become Cruz’s calling card. Read more on BREAKING: Ted Cruz Rolls Over, Asks Mitch McConnell To Rub His Belly…
  soul searching

Stop Wasting Money And Let Conservative Dems Just Go Extinct

With votes.
On Monday, beltway bullshit scorecard POLITICO reported that nominal Democratic senators like Joe Manchin, Claire McCaskill, and Heidi Heitkamp appear eager to help the new Republican majority advance legislation. Manchin even called the idea of not working with Republicans to promote their agenda “bullshit.” They probably think that burnishing their “moderate centrist” credentials in this way will help them keep their jobs when they face the voters in 2018. They are wrong. Read more on Stop Wasting Money And Let Conservative Dems Just Go Extinct…
  Democrat Party Of One

Oh Hey There Is A New Democrat In The Senate, That’s Nice!

A rare sight: A Democrat giving a victory speech
It’s hard out there for a new Democratic senator. Scratch that: It’s hard out there for the one and only new Democratic senator. Rep. Gary Peters of Michigan (thank you, Michigan) was one of a very — very, very, very — select group of Democrats who did not have to drown all their sorrows after the Great Ass-Whoopin’ of 2014 and instead got to give a victory speech on that fateful Tuesday night. He’s the House member who beat Republican Terri Lynn Land (thank you again, Michigan). You remember Land, of course. She’s the one who, in response to suggestions that she was actually part of her party’s war on women, ran a HI-larious ad in which she said “REALLY?” and then sipped her coffee and literally had no more words to say. Turns out that ad didn’t help her. And apparently, having Jeb Bush on the campaign trail didn’t help her either. Read more on Oh Hey There Is A New Democrat In The Senate, That’s Nice!…
  Can she paint?

What If Joni Ernst Were More Like Max Ernst?

Ernst Ernst Ernst. Isn’t that a good name? Ernst Ernst Ernst. The Importance of Being Ernst. Ernst Borgnine. We bet it’s the onomatopoeia in some culture for a blaring truck horn: ERNST! ERNST! OUT OF MY WAY! Read more on What If Joni Ernst Were More Like Max Ernst?…
  RIP Obamacare maybe?

Supreme Court Gets Another Chance To Impeach Obamacare

Maybe SCOTUS will pull the plug on grandma after all
Did you think Obamacare was settled law just because it is the law, and settled, and the Supreme Court agreed that yes, it is the law, and settled? Ha, idiots! As Republicans have been telling us since before President Obama even signed the Affordable Care Act, they will vote to repeal it as many times at it takes — so far, more than 50 — until it is gone forever. And after Tuesday’s election, Sen. Mitch McConnell and House Speaker John Boehner said AGAIN that they are going to fix all the things the president has done to destroy America by repealing Obamacare, for real this time, which will create jobs somehow, not sure how that works, Republican magic, probably. Read more on Supreme Court Gets Another Chance To Impeach Obamacare…
  national treasures

God Closes Michele Bachmann Door, Opens Joni Ernst Window

She hearts you 'Merica
Today, in the gloom of the morning after, we must come together to give thanks to our assorted heathen gods for Joni Ernst, Jester-Elect of the United States Senate. Joni Ernst is an anchor for us to cling to in the midst of a turbulent midterm election that saw our electoral expectations decimated all across the country. Kansans, the majority of whom had been demonstrably screwed by Sam Brownback’s interpretive dance of conservative budgeting, at first seemed to poised to sensibly fire him but then rewarded him with another term in office. Massachusetts, having apparently forgotten the hideous ordeal of getting gay marriage and socialized health care under Mittens Romnington, decided to roll the dice with another Republican governor. Read more on God Closes Michele Bachmann Door, Opens Joni Ernst Window…
  insert Wizard of Oz joke of your choosing

Kansas Decides Its Republicans Have Not Sucked Enough Yet, Need More Time To Suck

For a few crazy weeks this fall, the very foundation of what we know about Kansas was suddenly shaken. Was it possible that a politician running there with an R after his name might not be assured victory until death or retirement, regardless of job performance or actual state of residence?  Read more on Kansas Decides Its Republicans Have Not Sucked Enough Yet, Need More Time To Suck…
  ugh

Who The Hell Is Shelley Moore Capito? A Senator? WTF?

So this Republican, Shelley Moore Capito, is now gonna be the new Senator from West Virginia. And get this: the seat used to be held by a Democrat! What the what? Who is this Senator-elect, and how in the hell did Dems hold on to West Virginia so long? Time for a booze-filled election night wonksplainer. Read more on Who The Hell Is Shelley Moore Capito? A Senator? WTF?…
  have fun with that

McConnell Defeats Grimes, On Track To Become Senate’s Top Beleaguered Cat Lady

Somewhere in Washington, DC, there is probably something with the name of every Senate Majority Leader carved on it, like a marble bust or some old Roman Empire shit like that. Tonight, Mitch McConnell just got a lot closer to putting his own name on that hypothetical thing, as the major networks have called him the winner in his race against sexy, flawed Alison Lundergan Grimes. Read more on McConnell Defeats Grimes, On Track To Become Senate’s Top Beleaguered Cat Lady…
  your rock and roll fantasy

Screw The Polls, Here’s How Every Democratic Senate Challenger Is Gonna Win

She's got all the goodies
We have told you a bunch of made up reasons why every single endangered incumbent Senate Democratic is actually going to win and Nate Silver can go suck a poll of likely voters. Now let’s examine the Dem candidates for open seats and those challenging vulnerable Republican incumbents. Can we use our powers of wishful thinking and nonsense to conjure an alternate reality in which they, too, will all prevail? We can! Read more on Screw The Polls, Here’s How Every Democratic Senate Challenger Is Gonna Win…
  Unskew Kentucky!

Hey, Look At This Extra Money Democrats Found Laying Around For Alison Lundergan Grimes

Yee haw we think maybe?
So there is an election? In, like, two weeks? And it’s sort of important — because ALL elections are important, duh — but there is a very good chance that this election will give Republicans control of the Senate so they can finally finally impeach President Obama, repeal the Affordable Care Act, and require every schoolchild who is not being homeschooled by soon-to-be-retired Rep. Michele Bachmann to sing “Jesus Loves Me” every morning before reading the Bible for biology class. Read more on Hey, Look At This Extra Money Democrats Found Laying Around For Alison Lundergan Grimes…
  It Could Happen

How Every Endangered Senate Democrat Will Win In November, Because Why Not

The first time I set eyes on Nate Silver, I just got that old-fashioned romantic feeling where I'd do anything to bone him.
It looks like Republicans are probably going to control the Senate next year despite how people don’t like them, according to Nate Silver’s FiveThirtyEight blog and other respected nerds. In 2012, Silver famously predicted the winner of every Senate race, which was an impressive achievement for him but so boring for us. It was like finding your Christmas/”holiday” presents early. You’ll go through the motions of unwrapping your Regrets Her Abortion Barbie and Nature Despoiled II: The Warmening For Sega SexBox, but there’s no climax. The moment is flaccid; that is to say, unsuited to penetrating intercourse, never mind entertainment. Read more on How Every Endangered Senate Democrat Will Win In November, Because Why Not…
  We Watch So You Don't Have To

The Sarah Palin Fartknocker Report: Sarah Reaches Out To ‘Bitter Clingers And Wingers’

It’s October, and in just a couple weeks, a depressingly small percentage of Americans will vote for a new Congress. Sarah Palin’s out on the campaign trail, makin’ darned sure that the whitest and rightest midterm voters pull the lever for the Republican Party’s vision of a plutocratic, latter-day know-nothing non-government. Sure, she might be stumping for two candidates who are in serious trouble, but that’s why she quit governoring Alaska, so she could serve as the cavalry in pivotal moments like this one. Read more on The Sarah Palin Fartknocker Report: Sarah Reaches Out To ‘Bitter Clingers And Wingers’…
  We Watch So You Don't Have To

The Sarah Palin Fartknocker Report: Sarah’s Getting Pretty Tired Of This Internet ‘Job’

The Sarah Palin Fartknocker Report, Presented by Fartknocker
This week’s edition of The Sarah Palin Fartknocker Report, Presented By Fartknocker, is intelligible only if you speak election-year argle-bargle at a 12th-grade level or higher. Palin’s most recent piece of content is completely incoherent, and yes, we know, everything she says is incoherent, ha ha ha. But we’re serious here — she’s not even trying to connect these talking points, and worse, she’s not finishing her punches either. She starts with ISIS and then stumbles into talking about downward pressure on wages from illegal immigration, and then it just … sort of … peters out … Read more on The Sarah Palin Fartknocker Report: Sarah’s Getting Pretty Tired Of This Internet ‘Job’…
  Kobach/Roberts 2016

Lefty Kansas Judicial Activists Join Corrupt Democratic Plan To Win Senate Race

The left-wing loons on the Kansas Supreme Court ruled on Thursday that Democratic gadabout Chadwick J. Taylor should be allowed to withdraw from the state’s three-way U.S. Senate race. Taylor, suffering from acute Democrat Humility Syndrome, was cruelly bullied by Harry Reid and his henchlady Sen. Claire McCaskill in a “corrupt bargain” to try to actually beat the unpopular Republican incumbent Pat Roberts of Virginia. Er, Kansas. Taylor selflessly stepped aside two weeks ago to allow independent candidate Greg Orman to utterly destroy Roberts (with votes) in a head-to-head matchup in November and send a non-Republican to represent Kansas in the Senate for the first time since the 1930s. Read more on Lefty Kansas Judicial Activists Join Corrupt Democratic Plan To Win Senate Race…
  only sexists talk about sexism

Senate Republicans Stand Up For Ladies’ Right To Be Paid Unfairly

Let Mitch get this round, ladies
Ladies of America, are you feeling that warm reassurance you get from having manly champions who will fight for you in the halls of power? Pack your sunglasses because no matter what the weather, a sickly orange glow of self-congratulation will be coming your way from the Senate Republicans following their fourth consecutive filibuster of the Paycheck Fairness Act on Monday. Read more on Senate Republicans Stand Up For Ladies’ Right To Be Paid Unfairly…
  The Definition of Insanity

Won’t You Help Republicans In The Senate Get Their Chance To Repeal Obamacare, America?

Sen. Rob Portman (R-Iron Man) is always surprising us! He displayed stunning acting range playing Barack Obama in debate prep for two generations of GOP presidential contenders, he suddenly contracted human empathy for the gays last year after he found out his son was one of them, and now he’s shaking American politics to its very foundation by vowing that when Republicans seize back the Senate in November and lock Harry Reid in that little room under the stairs, they’ll get busy right away on their groundbreaking new idea of repealing Obamacare. Read more on Won’t You Help Republicans In The Senate Get Their Chance To Repeal Obamacare, America?…