Wonkette

• JIM WEBB WILL BE VICE PRESIDENT OF NOTHING: Ulster Scot fur-trading frontiersman Sen. Jim Webb has been a frequently mentioned vice presidential possibility for Barack Obama, because he is white and was in the Army for a while. Today, however, he effectively withdrew his name from contention in a statement about how much he luvs the Senate. This means Obama must choose him! [The Page]

• JESSE HELMS: AMERICAN GARBAGE Read your editor’s obituary for Jesse Helms, and let’s all laugh together. [AOL Political Machine]

Republican Senator Larry Craig can’t walk past a public restroom without rushing in and offering to suck everybody’s cock. Republican Senator David Vitter spends all his time and money fucking hookers while shitting in his Depends. Imagine what these creeps might do if homosexual couples got married! MORE »

Republican Senator and failed presidential candidate Sam Brownback, on a conference call today: “John McCain’s a maverick. He’s fought for a bipartisan fashion … I think that the biggest thing I’ve seen from Barack Obama is a willingness, aggressiveness, to talk bipartisan and yet to vote the hard left — most liberal member of the United States Senate.” A known liberal!

Hey Sam Brownback, remember that time you and Barack Obama wrote a Bipartisan op-ed for the Washington Post in 2005, about some of that Bipartisan stuff you two co-sponsored? [CQ]

Our good friend Jon Tester writes to us (and everybody else on his email list) to ask us to donate to the campaign of Scott Kleeb, who is running for the Senate “Tractor Caucus.” Who is this cutie with the terrible name? MORE »

Last week, there was a big controversy in the Minnesota Senate race between Norm Coleman and Al Franken in which some Liberal Bloggers thought that Coleman’s wife, Laurie, was edited into an ad for her husband. Laughable!, responded the Coleman campaign, which has gone so far as to produce a response ad of Al Franken “green-screened” into Minnesota. It is STAGGERING. Your Wonkette has not laughed this hard since the start of the Iraq War. [YouTube]

Back in 1987, nobody could have guessed that a bunch of meatheads in a movie about an invisible alien with laser-beam eyes would someday be great American leaders. But then the wonderful state of Minnesota elected Jesse Ventura its governor, and California followed suit with Arnold Schwarzenegger. Now, if Kentuckians play their cards right, they will replace their womanly senator Mitch McConnell with Sonny Landham, who played some dude called “Billy” in Predator. This Landham guy is a real trip! Come along with us on Sonny’s magical journey from porn stardom to the Libertarian party via five wives and a stretch in federal prison. MORE »

American Superstar Hillary Clinton has reemerged from her secret vacation cabana in Outer Space and returned to the Senate, for Work. As she exited her car on Capitol Hill, hundreds of supporters and reporters greeted her. She was wearing powder blue clothes. She ate lunch with other Senators. She may have read some policy briefs. Congress is awful. [NYT/The Caucus]

Here’s a new ad for Minnesota Sen. Norm Coleman, who by all accounts should be losing his re-election bid this year but will win because the Democrats have nominated an unfunny hack comedian, Al Franken, to challenge him. None of this changes the fact that this ad is grating on all the usual levels, but there’s a special terrible twist in addition! MORE »

While Hillary Clinton remains hidden in a secret Polynesian island bunker, where she drinks single malt scotch and eats artichoke hearts prepared by a cadre of Gypsy slaves all day long, she is still somehow doing her job as a fake Senator. Today she, along with fellow New York Senator Chuck Schumer and some Congressman, introduced an act of legislation to name U.S. Route 20A — in Buffalo — the “Timothy J. Russert Highway.” Because Tim Russert would have done the same thing. MORE »