Tag Archives: senate

  Still not president

Sen. Tom Cotton Turding Up Fellow Republicans’ Iran Punchbowl

He still thinks he's president
Tom Cotton, the freshman tea party senator from Arkansas who’s already made quite a name for himself (and that name is “Traitor”), is making friends and influencing people ALL over the place. Just when Senate Republicans and Democrats were about to enjoy one of those rare moments of agreeing on something — in this case, legislation saying that Congress has a REAL BIG DICK, so it gets to have a say-so in any agreement on Iran’s nuclear program — Sen. Cotton had to fuck everything up, with the help of Sen. Marco Rubio, who doesn’t even give a damn anymore because he’s quitting the Senate anyway to go not be president: Read more on Sen. Tom Cotton Turding Up Fellow Republicans’ Iran Punchbowl…
  Yeah we already got the memo

Senate Republicans Pass Meaningless ‘Budget’ Just To Prove They’re Dicks

Suck it, America
In another display of bold, big boy leadership, Senate Republicans just barely passed a budget resolution on Tuesday, which serves no purpose whatsoever other than putting on the record, again, that they are the party of terrible people who want to do terrible things to America. As if we didn’t already know. Read more on Senate Republicans Pass Meaningless ‘Budget’ Just To Prove They’re Dicks…
  don't even try to suggest he's wrong

Ted Cruz Too Smart For Real Senate Rules, Prefers The Ones He Made Up

S-M-R-T
Let us never, ever forget that Sen. Ted Cruz is smarter than all of us put together. He was a member of the Constitutional Corroborators when he was just a wee lad in Texas, reciting the Constitution — from memory! — at civic centers, and singing the praises of the free market, glory hallelujah. Also, he was a master debater at Princeton, and by the time he arrived at Harvard Law School, he was so convinced of his own intellectual superiority that he would not even lower himself to study with any of his fellow students who’d attended “minor ivies.” Read more on Ted Cruz Too Smart For Real Senate Rules, Prefers The Ones He Made Up…
  Why tinker with what ain't need fixin'?

Sen. Chuck Grassley: No Need To Fix Voting Rights Act, Blacks Already Vote Enough!

But definitely not racist restrictions, racism is over.
It was wonderful in 2013 when the Supreme Court finally decided that racism was over, and as a gesture of their goodwill, struck down Section 4 of the Voting Rights Act, the part that said states like Mississippi and Alabama have to ask permission before changing voting rules to hurt minorities, not that they would ever do anything like that. It’s not like those states (or any of the other states) have any sort of history of institutionalized racism or anything! Of course, the intention of that SCOTUS ruling was to have Congress go in and “update” that section, to bring it more in line with 2015 racism, as opposed to 1965 racism. Which brings us to Chuck Grassley, Republican senator of Iowa! Read more on Sen. Chuck Grassley: No Need To Fix Voting Rights Act, Blacks Already Vote Enough!…
  Save us Democrats you're our only hope

Senate Republicans Introduce Bill To Protect Obamacare From Senate Republicans

Waaaaaah
Obamcare is SO bad and SO unpopular and SO epic fail, and that is why the American people have been looking to the GOP all these years to save them from the awful thing. And now Senate Republicans have a plan to do just that — with a bill to protect Obamacare: Read more on Senate Republicans Introduce Bill To Protect Obamacare From Senate Republicans…
  except no he is not

Senate Cafeteria Cook Is On Food Stamps, Must Be One Of Those Moochers GOP Always Talks About

Not an exact rendering of the Senate cafeteria.
There is a piece in The Guardian written by Bertrand Olotara, one of the many service workers who ensures that Congress even HAS a place in which to grandstand, or alternately, sit around and do nothing. Olotara is a cook in the Senate cafeteria, and he and his fellow workers, employees of a government contractor, are pissed off, and they are striking. You see, Olotara, who cooks every day for senators and their staffers (when they’re not eating free Taco Bell or Chick-Fil-A), is on food stamps, because he is a single father, and he can’t afford to put food on his family on the $12 an hour he is paid to shovel gruel into Ted Cruz’s wordhole: Read more on Senate Cafeteria Cook Is On Food Stamps, Must Be One Of Those Moochers GOP Always Talks About…
  Everyone gets a cookie

BREAKING: Senate Republicans Very Proud Of Themselves For Doing A Thing

Yay, medals and awards for all of you!
Here is some BREAKING news from Senate Republicans, and you know it is BREAKING because it says so, right there. What is this BREAKING news bipartisanship of which they speak? Let us watch their video, in which we will surely see evidence of Republicans bipartisanshipping with Democrats, in a BREAKING kind of way: Read more on BREAKING: Senate Republicans Very Proud Of Themselves For Doing A Thing…
 

GOP Will Confirm Loretta Lynch For A.G. Just As Soon We Outlaw Abortion Some More

Good job, asshole
Poor Attorney General Eric Holder has been trying to quit his job since September. And you’d think, given the way Republicans hate his intestines and all his other parts too and want to impeach him for seizing all our guns, not disbanding the IRS, homo-lovin’, and blacking while black, they’d be eager to see him leave. But no, they are committed to making him attorney general for life, by refusing to hold a vote to confirm the president’s replacement nominee, Loretta Lynch. Why? Is Lynch worse than Holder? Nah, Senate Republicans have already agreed she’s fine enough, they guess, and they’d like to confirm her, no really. Maybe they’re even sorry she’s had to wait longer for confirmation than the previous seven AG nominees combined. So what’s the hold up? Payback, bitches: Read more on GOP Will Confirm Loretta Lynch For A.G. Just As Soon We Outlaw Abortion Some More…
  It's like equality but different

Republican Ladies Have Own Equal Pay Bill, Aren’t They Just The Cutest Things?

Stop saying Republicans don’t care about women! They do TOO care about women. Just because they keep trying to pass laws to restrict women’s health care, and just because they suffer from verbal diarrhea about rape, and just because they think women don’t deserve equal pay for equal work because they keep blocking the Paycheck Fairness Act because that’ll just lead to unfair lawsuits against employers and murder all the jobs — none of that means they do not heart the ladies so hard! Why look, they’re even promoting a new bill to prove it! Read more on Republican Ladies Have Own Equal Pay Bill, Aren’t They Just The Cutest Things?…
  Sooo the next senator from Illinois

Tammy Duckworth Will Kick GOP Ass With Her Robot Feet All The Way To U.S. Senate

Genuine Iraq war hero and super-bad badass Tammy Duckworth, the Democratic Illinois representative who had the distinct pleasure of kicking Deadbeat Loser Joe Walsh’s ass in 2012 — with her robot feet! — officially announced on Monday that she’s ready to do even more ass-kicking to become her state’s next senator. Are we excited? Of course we are, and not just because Deadbeat Joe has been dropping not-so-subtle hints that he just might decide to primary Sen. Mark Kirk, from the teabag wing of the Republican Party, which would mean, awwwwwwww yeah, REMATCH! (Which Duckworth would win, OBVIOUSLY.) Read more on Tammy Duckworth Will Kick GOP Ass With Her Robot Feet All The Way To U.S. Senate…
  Here have some news n stuff

Senate Can’t Find Time To Get Anything Done, Goes On Spring Break For Two Weeks

Homer Simpson for Senate Majority Leader?
Being a member of Congress really is the sweetest gig. You can suck at your job, get nothing done at all, collect a six-figure salary plus great benefits, and then take a vacation, because hey, you just worked so hard at not getting anything done, you’ve earned that break. Again: Read more on Senate Can’t Find Time To Get Anything Done, Goes On Spring Break For Two Weeks…
  so long farewell

Harry Reid Retiring To Let Someone Else Lead Senate Democrats To Defeat For A Change

Sooooooooo mean!
After insisting that he would absolutely seek re-election in 2016, Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid released a video and statement reminding us, in case we’d forgotten, that he used to be an amateur boxer — oh, and also, he will not seek re-election after all. Read more on Harry Reid Retiring To Let Someone Else Lead Senate Democrats To Defeat For A Change…
  lawsplaining

Mitch McConnell Writes His Own Letter Telling Everyone To Ignore ‘President’ Obama

Good job, asshole
We all know what a success it was for Senate Republicans to sign Tom Cotton’s love letter to Iran’s leadership explaining how, according to the U.S. Constitution, the president does not have any real authority. Everyone took them seriously, especially Iran, and no one called them traitors or suggested that openly declaring the president has no power is maybe not very America Fuck Yeah! of them. Read more on Mitch McConnell Writes His Own Letter Telling Everyone To Ignore ‘President’ Obama…
  that'll show 'em

Republicans To Make Eric Holder Attorney General For Life To Teach Democrats A Lesson

They just can't seem to quit him
Aren’t Republicans supposed to hate Attorney General Eric Holder with every molecule of their rotten beings because of how he has done all that race warring and fast-and-furiousing and being black while being black? Yes, that’s what we thought too. But even though Holder has been trying to quit his job, Senate Republicans just won’t let him. Those guys are so fickle, aren’t they? Read more on Republicans To Make Eric Holder Attorney General For Life To Teach Democrats A Lesson…
  Cloture? I barely know her

Mitch McConnell’s Plan To Woo Democrats With Insults Not Working. Huh.

Hmm, being Majority Leader is not going the way Mitch McConnell dreamed it would...
Yesterday in the long-running, apparently-never-gonna-close national production of Our Senate Sucks (now in its 226th year!), Mitch McConnell continued to be the worst lead since Styles Bridges had the entire place fumigated for gay cooties. With the bipartisan bill to fight human trafficking stalled over the GOP’s inclusion of irrelevant anti-abortion language, the Turtle suggested that for Democrats, “surely no left-wing special interest group is more important than fighting modern-day slavery.” Read more on Mitch McConnell’s Plan To Woo Democrats With Insults Not Working. Huh….
 

House Republicans Desperately Seeking A Lady, Any Lady, To Make Them Not Look So Bad

Aw, are Republicans have another lady problem? It’s been 24 hours, so yeah, that sounds about right: When House Administration Committee Chairwoman Candice Miller retires and hands over her gavel next year, GOP leaders will be facing a familiar quandary: finding another female lawmaker to lead a committee. Read more on House Republicans Desperately Seeking A Lady, Any Lady, To Make Them Not Look So Bad…
  dehydration makes you stupid

Marco Rubio Says Dumb Words About Iran, Is Dumb And Stupid. Huh!

Stay thirsty, my friends
Florida Senator Marco “Polo” Rubio, your next president in his own head, is a self-styled Deep Thinker and Very Serious Person™, and as such, he has Concerns with the deal “President” Obama is negotiating with Iran. (Of course Rubio, a vacuous cypher, was one of the 47 traitors Republican senators who sent that har-har-just-kidding letter telling Iran that the fake president’s negotiations don’t really count, and of course he tried to raise money off of it.) Read more on Marco Rubio Says Dumb Words About Iran, Is Dumb And Stupid. Huh!…
  lighten up francis

Traitor Republicans: Can’t Obama And Iran Take A Joke?

Hmm, yeah, still not funny
Oh, those Republicans, just jokin’ around all the time about how President Obama was born in Kenya (still fresh!) and reads his speeches from TelePrompters (that never gets old!) and is not going to be president forever, so Iran should not even bother negotiating its nuclear program with this particular lame duck White House. Read more on Traitor Republicans: Can’t Obama And Iran Take A Joke?…
  Leadership is so. hard.

Senate Republicans Sneak Abortion Stuff Into Human Trafficking Bill, Why Not?

yup, burn it
This week, the Senate tried to do something unusual — they tried to tee up a piece of bipartisan legislation called the Justice For Victims of Human Trafficking Act. Because who could be against that? Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY) had hoped to bring the bill to the floor to smooth over the bad feelings he caused when he hinted last week that the Senate was going to vote on a bill to let the Senate be President of Everything Related to Iran. Democrats threatened to filibuster, so McConnell, already sick of being filibustered and embarrassed by Democrats, decided to cut his losses and bring up the bipartisan human trafficking bill instead. That would have been lovely, if it hadn’t imploded. Leadership is so hard, you guys. Read more on Senate Republicans Sneak Abortion Stuff Into Human Trafficking Bill, Why Not?…
  For his next trick he'll teach high school civics

Sen. Tom Cotton’s Iran Mash Note Not Working Out That Well For Him Actually

Now you listen here Mister Sassy Iranian Foreign Minister!
Sen. Tom Cotton, Arkansas teabagger and the world’s foremost expert on how to win friends and influence people, appeared on “Morning Joe” to explain why he is not a traitor for writing a letter to the leaders of Iran explaining that President Obama doesn’t really have any authority, so ignore him. Read more on Sen. Tom Cotton’s Iran Mash Note Not Working Out That Well For Him Actually…
  He's groping for the right words

Joe Biden Literally Cannot Believe What Dicks Republican Senators Are

On Monday we learned about a gang of 47 Senate Republicans who really respect the fuck out of the office of the president, so much so that they sent an “open letter” to “the leaders of the Islamic Republic of Iran,” helpfully hinting that Iran should not even bother negotiating with “President” Obama, because once the GOP gets another white guy in there, they’re going to repeal the bejesus out of Barry H. Bamz’s two terms, including any deals he mistakenly thinks he has the authority to make. Read more on Joe Biden Literally Cannot Believe What Dicks Republican Senators Are…
  Democrats are the boss of them

Boehner, McConnell Bound, Gagged, Crawling To Democrats For Help, Punishment

Bourbon-swilling Republican Mitch McConnell has not been Senate majority leader for very long, but he has already learned an important lesson about how governing is kind of hard, actually. Who knew? Democrats had to tell him, four times, that they would not vote for a bill to fund the Department of Homeland Security that included a provision telling Barack Obama he is a terrible THE WORST president and cannot just run around issuing executive orders like all the other presidents, before he was like, “OK, fine, we’ll do it your way.” Read more on Boehner, McConnell Bound, Gagged, Crawling To Democrats For Help, Punishment…