Tag Archives: senate

  Hot Cop Dana Perino gonna arrest Planned Parenthood

Fox Genius Dana Perino Real Upset People Hate Torture More Than They Love Babies

Oh look, here is former George W. Bush spokesditz and current Fox Blonde Dana Perino, doing a dumb on the teevee again. Yes, again. What crawled up her butt and died this time? Did her husband get arrested some more? No, it’s The Media (stupid media, you stupids!), of which she is definitely not a member, even though she is on a show called “The Five,” on Fox News, which supposedly does news and is therefore The Media, so what the flippity fuck is she even blah-blahing about? She is all riled up because no one in The Media is covering these bogus sting videos of Planned Parenthood at all, which you probably haven’t heard about because The Media refuses to report on them (five million different ways), and which, according to dumb dick cohost Fox Guy are EVEN WORSE than those terrible videos of ISIS beheadings. Seriously. Read more on Fox Genius Dana Perino Real Upset People Hate Torture More Than They Love Babies…
  Deja us right in the vu

Republicans To Shut Down Government Again Because Screw You, America!

Future Republican Member of Congress
It has been almost five whole months since the grown-up Republicans in Congress threatened to SHUT IT DOWN faster than you can say “legitimate rape.” So now seems like a pretty good time to do that again, huh? It was so all kinds of fun last time, when we damn near defunded the Department of Homeland Security because — what was the reason again? Something something Obama shart-breath sadface? Yeah, that. Read more on Republicans To Shut Down Government Again Because Screw You, America!…
  Another fine moment in GOP outreach

Everyone Loves Planned Parenthood, So Republicans Are Trying To Kill It

Freedom!
Hello. Do you — or someone you love, or even just like, or maybe sat next to on a bus one time — have a vagina? Did you know there is a place where you, or that other person, can go to make sure the vag is in tip-top shape, with no weird rashes or lumps or unwanted babies in it, even if you do not have health insurance or any dollars American? Read more on Everyone Loves Planned Parenthood, So Republicans Are Trying To Kill It…
  Can anyone join in?

Senate Republicans Spent Their Sunday Being Dicks To Ted Cruz

Nope
Everyone hates Ted Cruz, right? Right. And his Republican colleagues in the Senate are no exception: Cruz, a Texas senator who is running for the Republican presidential nomination, drew the ire of his colleagues for claiming the top Republican in the Senate lied to him. He accused Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (Ky.) of going back on a promise he claims McConnell made to him about the contentious Export-Import Bank. It turns out there there is some rule for senators about how they are not supposed to be dicks to each other on the Senate floor: Rule 19, which, as Sen. Susan Collins explained, “is very clear that no senator is to impugn the integrity of another senator.” Apparently, calling the Senate majority leader a liar impugns his integrity, or whatever, and also, Republicans like McConnell much more than they like Cruz. So they all took their turns speechifying about what an immature rule-breaking dick Cruz is. Here’s Sen. Lamar Alexander, kicking Cruz in the nuts: Read more on Senate Republicans Spent Their Sunday Being Dicks To Ted Cruz…
  makes perfect sense

Senate GOP Screwing Lady Veterans Out Of Having Babies, Because Planned Parenthood

No babies for vets until they save all the babies!
Oooooh, Senate Republicans are SO mad! Turns out there is a thing called Planned Parenthood, it does healthcare to ladies, including abortion healthcare, and absolutely nothing — NOTHING! — is more important than putting a stop to that right now. Not even our veterans, who are all heroes, every single one of them, but most especially Sen. John McCain, even if he is a RINO. And definitely not our lady veterans, who want to have babies. Sorry ladies, you’ll just have to wait until the GOP saves all the babies first. Read more on Senate GOP Screwing Lady Veterans Out Of Having Babies, Because Planned Parenthood…
  Also bad at doctoring

Rand Paul Canceling Government Again, Because Planned Parenthood (And Because He’s A Dick)

He went to some kind of medical school?
Hiya, Rand Paul, how are you being terrible today? Doing a “filibuster“? Yelling at all the girl journalists, for not journalisming at you like you like? Telling jokes about your college Aqua Buddha hijinks when you “kidnapped” a lady, HAHAHAHA? (Probably not that, actually.) Read more on Rand Paul Canceling Government Again, Because Planned Parenthood (And Because He’s A Dick)…
  Enraged about all of these things

Here Are 9 Wingnut Reasons For Charleston Murders That Aren’t Spelled R-A-C-I-S-M

What's left to say?
Dylann Storm Roof killed black people because he wanted to kill black people. Roof admitted this! But maybe it’s not about race. Let’s take another trip down Wingnut River to see why Roof’s nine victims — Rev. Clementa Pinckney, Tywanza Sanders, Susie Jackson, Cynthia Hurd, Sharonda Coleman-Singleton, DePayne Middleton-Doctor, Ethel Lee Lance, Myra Thompson, and Rev. Daniel Lee Simmons, Sr. REALLY died. Read more on Here Are 9 Wingnut Reasons For Charleston Murders That Aren’t Spelled R-A-C-I-S-M…
  This won't work unless it does then HURRAY!

Weather Channel Has Evil Scheme To Trick Old Wingnuts Into Believing Climate Change Is Real

Whatever, he should just move to Hawaii
If you are an 86-year-old wingnut, next time you switch back to the Weather Channel from “Wheel Of Fortune,” you might be in for a surprise. There might be a terrible and bad Smartie Pants person talking at you about how “climate change is real” and “no seriously, it is real, you moron.” Even worse, it might be a Republican. Why is the Weather Channel doing tyranny and betrayal to you, when you’re just trying to find out the current forecast for as many cities as you possibly can before you fall asleep in your chair? Read more on Weather Channel Has Evil Scheme To Trick Old Wingnuts Into Believing Climate Change Is Real…
  But yeah they'll still get paid

Hero Mitch McConnell Says Senate Not Gonna Bother Doing Its Job Anymore, Take That, Obama

You don't deserve that beer, pal
There’s an ugly rumor going around that the United States Senate of America has a job to do, besides sending love letters to our enemies and celebrating craft beer. According to the Constitution — or maybe the Bible, we always get those two confused — the Senate is supposed to review presidential nominees for the federal judiciary, hold some hearings, and then vote “YAY, go do some judging, Your Honor,” or “Hells nope, you are a terrible racist piece of scum, go away, JEFF SESSIONS, or just become Alabama’s next senator, we guess.” Read more on Hero Mitch McConnell Says Senate Not Gonna Bother Doing Its Job Anymore, Take That, Obama…
  That's enough of that

Sorry, Losers, You’re Stuck With Elizabeth Warren Kicking Ass In The Senate

Oh they finally heard her
Elizabeth Warren, she is our goddess queen progressive posterlady legislative badass hero. We love her, and we’d love to see her be the boss of all the things: Congress, the Supreme Court, the White House, the banks, the schools, every government agency that has letters in its name, and your mom. But since we cannot elect Elizabeth Warren Czarina of The Universe, we are quite content to watch her kick ass, take names, and yell at various bad guys, in her polite and concise Harvard schoolmarm way, as the senior senator from Massachusetts and official extra-special message-crafter for the Democratic Party. And now the pathetic losers behind the “Run Warren Run” campaign have reluctantly agreed to settle for that too: Read more on Sorry, Losers, You’re Stuck With Elizabeth Warren Kicking Ass In The Senate…
  Here have some news n stuff

Senate Unanimously Votes To Protect Us From Terrorists, With Craft Beer

D'oh
Congress is terrible at getting things done — and not just because the House and Senate spends so much of the year not being in session. Unless we’re talking about dumb, unimportant things like passing empty resolutions or renaming yet another post office, and then our elected leaders are SO on top of it: Read more on Senate Unanimously Votes To Protect Us From Terrorists, With Craft Beer…
  They hate us for our freedoms or maybe just Rand Paul

Hero Rand Paul Saves America From NSA Spying, At Least Until Tuesday

I'm here to protect your freedom or at least ask for your vote
The Senate took the highly unusual step of working on the weekend to pass the USA Freedom Act — after it failed to do so and took a whole week off for Memorial Day anyway, like all regular Americans do. But while Majority Leader Mitch McConnell had wanted to pass a clean bill to protect our freedoms from the terrorists who want to read all our sexts and listen to our phone calls — oh wait, that’s the National Security Agency, not the terrorists, whatever — one brave senator stood in the way and blocked the bill, for freedom or at least for grandstanding and fundraising for his laughable presidential campaign: Read more on Hero Rand Paul Saves America From NSA Spying, At Least Until Tuesday…
  No one could have predicted

Surprise! GOP Plan To ‘Fix’ Obamacare Will Just Make It Worse

Good job everyone!
Here’s a fun fact you already knew, but now there is math to back it up. That Republican Senate bill to salvage Obamacare tax subsidies (while still gutting other parts of Obamacare), just in case the Supreme Court overturns them and every single American blame the GOP for taking away their healthcare? Yeah, that bill sucks. Read more on Surprise! GOP Plan To ‘Fix’ Obamacare Will Just Make It Worse…
  leave the former presidents aloooooooooone!

Mean Sen. Joni Ernst Takes Castratin’ Knife To Former Presidents’ Allowance Moneys

Oh, they look happy NOW.
Hey there, former presidents of the US and A — that would be Clinton, Carter and those two Bush brats — thanks for serving your country and all by BEING PRESIDENT OF IT, but Sen. Joni Ernst (R-Pig Spaying), and her Republican friends Marco Rubio and Mark Kirk, want to take away all the fun moneys you get for being Former Presidents. This is very mean, and you should all, in a bipartisan way, get together to tell them exactly where they ought to get fucked with whatever pig genitals Ernst removed most recently: Read more on Mean Sen. Joni Ernst Takes Castratin’ Knife To Former Presidents’ Allowance Moneys…
  Careful what you wish for

Let’s Watch The GOP Cage Fight With Itself About Obamacare, Again

... for Republicans
As Senate Republicans have slowly — very slowly — begun to realize that “We’re trying to take away your healthcare, for your FREEDOM!” is not a very good campaign slogan, they’re trying to figure out how to save themselves and their jobs just in case the Supreme Court agrees with them that subsidized healthcare is ILLEGAL and grants their wish to kill that part of Obamacare, with judicial fire. That’s why Wisconsin Sen. Ron Johnson (R-Asshole) introduced a bill in April to restore subsidies for the millions of Obamacare enrollees who would lose coverage, and Majority Leader Mitch McConnell and the rest of their party’s leadership in the Senate support this legislation because they really care about making sure Americans don’t lose their healthcare. By which we mean they really care about making sure they don’t lose their jobs in the 2016 election. There’s just one teeny tiny problem for Johnson and the rest of his Senate colleagues, and it’s coming from inside the House: Read more on Let’s Watch The GOP Cage Fight With Itself About Obamacare, Again…
  Still not president

Sen. Tom Cotton Turding Up Fellow Republicans’ Iran Punchbowl

I AM THE DUMMEST AND I BREATHE OUT OF MY MOUTH
Tom Cotton, the freshman tea party senator from Arkansas who’s already made quite a name for himself (and that name is “Traitor”), is making friends and influencing people ALL over the place. Just when Senate Republicans and Democrats were about to enjoy one of those rare moments of agreeing on something — in this case, legislation saying that Congress has a REAL BIG DICK, so it gets to have a say-so in any agreement on Iran’s nuclear program — Sen. Cotton had to fuck everything up, with the help of Sen. Marco Rubio, who doesn’t even give a damn anymore because he’s quitting the Senate anyway to go not be president: Read more on Sen. Tom Cotton Turding Up Fellow Republicans’ Iran Punchbowl…