Nearly a year ago, in a faraway land called “Minnesota Nice,” two Patriotic Jews fought an epic battle, if by “fought” you mean “people who were already going to vote for president also voted for one of these dorks (or the Lizard People) running for U.S. Senate.” One of them, the rich Hollywood liberal from Minneapolis, wasn’t anybody’s idea of a prize, but he beat the other guy, some kind of lamer from St. Paul. And that other guy, Norm Coleman, who always loses every campaign, just would not give up, because if he admitted defeat then Barack Obama would have 60 Democrats in the Senate and, well, let’s just say it will be “Good-bye Christianity and Hello Women’s Studies & the Hip Hop.” Anyway, the state Supreme Court says Franken won, the end. [Star Tribune]

• THE LIBERALS MUST BE BEHIND THIS: Whoa, whoa, slow down there Senate, don’t rush to any hasty moral conclusions: “WASHINGTON (CNN) — The U.S. Senate on Thursday passed a resolution apologizing to African-Americans for the wrongs of slavery.” [CNN]

We knew there had to be a “paying off some 19-year-old boy” aspect of this dull John Ensign story, and here it is: A Republican committee paid Nevada Senator John Ensign’s illicit girlfriend’s son $5,400 during the SAME EXACT TIME Ensign and the lady were humping. This teen-ager was given the dirty GOP money for “research policy consulting,” which is even more bogus-sounding that our business expenses. ALSO: Our friends at the Las Vegas Gleaner inform us that Ensign was putting his peen into this lady before he was legally separated from his wife. MORE »

The 2008 Minnesota Senate race is still going strong, nearly eight months later. What comical new developments can we enjoy together? Oh, how about this, from the Star-Tribune: “A three-judge panel today required Republican Norm Coleman to pay Democrat Al Franken $94,783 to cover court costs …. Coleman will also have to pay interest on the $94,783 until the debt is paid.” And which three judges added further expensive humiliation to Norm’s life of failure? The answer may surprise you! MORE »

Wonkette liberal junk mail target operative “Rita” sends us this scan of “a postcard I got from Barbara Boxer thanking California voters for their support.” We don’t really know where the “thanking” part is — do they make two-sided paper these days? — all we see is Barbara Boxer calling her arch enemy Oklahoma Sen. Jim Inhofe a woman. Even worse, a former woman. Is Barbara Boxer trying to tell us something?

Who says nobody needs yesterday’s news and a bunch of old wire stories and couch ads thrown in your neighbor’s bird bath at 4:15 a.m. every day? The Chicago Tribune, one of our nation’s leading bankrupt newspapers, today offers this Roland “Pinocchio” Burris paper doll, so your poor kids can have something to play with — it’s kind of like a Star Wars action figure, but it’s free! And it teaches kids an important lesson about black senators from Illinois. [Chicago Tribune PDF]

Nobody in Minnesota even cares about this dumb recount deal anymore, they would be happy to have as their second senator Jesse Ventura in a tutu and a stocking cap, but Norm Coleman and Al Franken still want “the courts” to decide the election that happened seven months ago: you know, the one that hinges on like fourteen votes because neither candidate was really any more popular than the other. Ugh. MORE »

A wise man once said, “Do not watch television. It will only make you sad and empty.” And here is proof: 20 agonizing minutes of Chris Matthews shouting at Roland Burris, who tries to explain why that stuff he said on that FBI wiretap doesn’t prove that he was involved in any tomfoolery with Rod Blagojevich to snag his Senate appointment. It just kind of goes on and on in that fashion and just when you think it will end Matthews says, “OK Senator I like you, I think you’re a good guy, I’m going to give you one more chance to explain yourself” and that’s when you know you’re in for another eternity of torture. Why couldn’t Roland Burris have gotten involved in something fun and interesting, like a hooker scandal? [MSNBC]

Just in time for Video Friday comes the RNC’s latest Guantanamo Bay video, outlining the very serious position that all but six members of the United States Senate have taken with regard to prisoner detention. [Balloon Juice]

• CREDIT CARD BILL AWAITS NOBAMA: “The House today gave final approval to a bill that would prohibit credit card companies from arbritarily raising interest rates on existing balances and charging certain fees. With a 367-61 vote, the House ensured that President Obama will be able to sign the bill into law by Memorial Day, as he requested.” What is wrong with Congress, making such quick work of an overwhelmingly popular bill? [Washington Post]

“REID: I’m saying that the United States Senate, Democrats and Republicans, do not want terrorists to be released in the United States. That’s very clear.

“QUESTION: No one’s talking about releasing them. We’re talking about putting them in prison somewhere in the United States.

“REID: Can’t put them in prison unless you release them.

“QUESTION: Sir, are you going to clarify that a little bit? …

“REID: I can’t make it any more clear than the statement I have given to you. We will never allow terrorists to be released in the United States.” MORE »