If there’s two things our president loves, it’s detention camps and torture. So, obviously, he just used the whole “I will shut down that terrible den of Cuban shame” line to get into office, knowing that once he got in he would stop at nothing to open a thousand Guantanamos all over the Atlantic. We hear this speech he’s about to give, allegedly “explaining” his recent “decisions,” is really going to be one of these namby-pamby “on the one hand, but on the other hand” type deals that he loves so much. Let’s WATCH and LEARN. MORE »

This National Council for a New America, what do they do exactly besides hold coffee klatsches in Alexandria and inflame the ire of conservative voters? Who knows, but they’ve sucked Newt Gingrich into their little borg, which means they probably have spare wives and free donuts on hand. [The Fix]

Former Bush spokesmodels who do not know what the Cuban Missile Crisis was, finding work with reptilian Cheetos-addicted statisticians: it’s a Microtrend! Dana Perino recently joined this elite demographic when she was hired on at Mark Penn’s PR outfit to “communicate” things for “clients,” who include Lucifer and the reanimated corpse of Kenneth Lay. [Wall Street Journal]

You know what is weird? When the journalists who have been objectively reporting your newses start taking jobs with the new president, and you begin to wonder if maybe they were lying to you all the time with their biased “facts” and “analysis.” It’s weird until you consider that nobody in media has jobs anymore, so of course if Barack Obama says “Hey would you like to tout the benefits of light rail for me?” you will jump at that in a heartbeat. MORE »

Dagnabbit we were assured in no uncertain terms that Barack Obama was an unrepentant Marxist who would “spread the wealth around” and socialize medicine, plus other valuable American industries such as porn and sports teams. Everybody was going to win/get rich with virtually zero effort, except for the hard-working white Americans we would enslave for the Cause! Obama rode this wave of pro-Socialist sentiment to become President of our Second Great Depression. Only now have many proud netizens realized that our beloved Muslim Marxist was actually just some lousy centrist moderate type with a sober, pragmatic approach to governing and no intention of socializing anything, not even Major League Baseball. MORE »

The past week has been so insane and frantic — thanks, Ashley Todd! — that we never got around to mentioning the daily endorsements of “That One” by myriad Republican politicians and power-brokers. So let’s run down the list, and maybe even figure out what it all means, at this late stage in the game. MORE »

Everybody expected Colin Powell to endorse Barack Obama today, on the teevee, and guess what? Colin Powell endorsed Barack Obama! Considering Powell’s professional and political service, it’s maybe not so surprising that he’d prefer the sane, thoughtful Obama to the unhinged nut McCain. After all, Powell had his happiest time in Washington working for the first President Bush, and the first Dick Cheney, too! (That was the Cheney who, while still a racist right-wing dick, was still involved enough in reality to know you don’t go topple Saddam and occupy Iraq.) Anyway, enough of the “analysis.” Let’s get to the Webnuts and their usual response to another Republican bigwig endorsing that African Communist Nazi City Slicker! MORE »

Presidential trophy wife Cindy McCain, who already has 20 or 30 million bucks, is going to get another million — from the sale of an American corporation! Cindy’s fortune comes from her inherited beer distribution business, of which Anheuser-Busch is a major client. Now that Anheuser-Busch is being sold to hippie Belgian giant InBev NV, Cindy will most likely pull in $1 million from the buyout and be able to keep her business connection. This should fund at least 20 of her famous Pills ‘n’ Pools parties (for journalists) in Sedona. [WSJ]

Poor Howard Wolfson. The former Clinton toady was born with only one testicle, half a human soul, and twice the normal complement of genes coding for poor taste in sweaters. But finally it looks like a little ray of lucky light is shining on our Wolfie: he got himself a job! After months of volunteering, he will now be officially paid to appear on Fox News. MORE »

Rather than risk the wrath of the all-powerful Fourniers, Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal vetoed a bill to double the salaries of state legislators. As a result, the state will have literally hundreds more dollars to spend on ball-withering chemicals and maps of the planet Earth showing Adam and Eve riding dinosaurs in Spain. [Times-Picayune]

Who would make the most terrible running mate for John McCain, an ill-tempered old fraud who is despised by everybody in the Republican Party? Joe Lieberman, of course — another sour old geezer who is despised by everybody in the Democratic Party! It’s a match made in heaven … and here’s why! MORE »