HOT CHIMPS IN SEX-FOR-FOOD SCANDAL: New study proves it! Gentleman chimps who give free meat to their ladyfriends tend to get more sex than those who don’t share. In other words, socialism leads to prostitution. Double win. [BBC News]

Here is John McCain’s campaign manager, Rick Davis, looking into a camera and going cross-eyed with the effort of reading off some cue cards. He wants you to know that John McCain is holding a contest, in which you can make a video about your Selfless American Neighbor! And if you win it, you and your neighbor will be punished with compulsory attendance at the Republican National Convention and a public teabagging courtesy of the presumptive nominee. This is the most tragically awkward video in the history of YouTube. [John McCain 2008]