Oh noes, Secretary Clinton won’t be going on previously scheduled trips abroad this week, due to having her elbow amputated and replaced with a bionic joint that shoots laser beams and takes orders directly from the president, Dick Cheney. She needs to rest up and not shake hands with anybody, which means that attendees of international conferences in Trieste and Corfu will have to shake hands with two other jokers from the State Department instead. And THAT is how World War III will start tomorrow. [Washington Post]

Nobody really knows what Hillary Clinton has been up to, work-wise, since she started her Secretary of State-ing a couple months ago. She went to China or somesuch, yes? And went on a bunch of international teevee programs and suffered through important geopolitical inquiries such as when she fell in love with her husband? Well, 7 in 10 of us approve of the performance of America’s top diplomat, so hooray, she will not be boiled in a cauldron of hot oil next week as previously scheduled. [CNN]

You may have forgotten about this with glamorous President Obama hogging the airwaves last evening, but another famous celebrity appeared on the teevee last night! It was that lady, Condoleezza Rice, who made history by becoming the first Secretary of State to wear sexy dominatrix outfits on foreign junkets. She chatted a few minutes with Jay Leno, who gets all the good bookings these days. (Letterman is too busy having sex with his new wife, to whom he finally lost his virginity several days ago.) [NBC]

• SENATE CONFIRMS HILLARY CLINTON: The Senate has confirmed Hillary Clinton as Secretary of State in a 94-2 vote, with only Jim “Every Sentence Must Have ‘God’ In It” DeMint and David “Fucking” Vitter voting against. John Cornyn put down his hearty opposition to the immediate confirmation today after WALNUTS! himself, John McCain, told him to do so. Aww. Anyway, if you’d like some of that Kazakh energy contract cash, Bill Clinton’s taking calls! [The Hill]

Jill Biden, huzzah! She should own sixteen Nobel Prizes already, for staying married to the blabbermouth Joe Biden and for sending out a fundraising appeal on behalf of the pants monster Hillary Clinton. Now she deserves another prize, for Truth, because of what she told Oprah yesterday. MORE »

Poor Hillary Clinton, who spends literally all of her time sending out spoofed Joe Biden emails begging donations for her massive campaign debt, has yet another financial indignity on her horizon: She’ll make $4,700 less per year than the current black Secretary of State, because that’s how Barack Obama’s America rolls. MORE »

Oh hey Friday slow news day, etc.! The various news outlets keep insisting that Hillary Clinton has quietly (as quietly as she can do anything) taken up Barack Obama on his offer to be Secretary of Diplomatic Teas and Bombing Things, so we pass that information along to you, the reader. Did you know that Bill Clinton turned over the names of over two-hundred-thousand donors to his foundation and memorial dildo farm in Little Rock, so that his wife could have this job? True story! MORE »

For veritable days we have been racking our brains, trying to figure out why Hillary Clinton would be interested in a Secretary of State position. It ain’t exactly a stepping stone to the presidency, and in her beloved Senate she can be her own boss and work on all those domestic things she loves so much, like imposing a Canadian-Marxist healthcare regime on America. Well, now we have the answer! What might motivate Hillary Clinton now is the thing that has always motivated the Clintons: money. (And the desire to serve, of course! And cracklins.) MORE »

Necktie-free boozebag Christopher Hitchens does not like the idea of Hillary Clinton getting her grubby little paws all over America’s foreign policy. Meanwhile, Peter Beinart just shouts and shouts. Why so shouty, Peter? Be sure to watch till the end, when Hitchens’ hair wanders off his scalp and crawls away looking for a cheeseburger. [MSNBC]

• FRENEMIES: The Guardian claims Hillary is your new secretary of state for your new president, Barack Obama. [Guardian]

Last night we began hearing that Hillary Clinton was under serious consideration to be Barack Obama’s Secretary of State, and that she flew to Chicago to meet with him about possibilities. This being Hillary Clinton, we of course are now engulfed in a wave of rumors, leaks, trial balloons, anonymous sources… Drama. It is how the Clintons, or any stories remotely involving them, tend to roll out. Let’s see what the latest gossip’s telling us about old Hillary. It ranges anywhere from Ronald Reagan retroactively appointing her to be assistant manager at a Baskin Robbins in Utah to her going on food stamps to her having sex with Monica Lewinsky and Vince Foster on a pile of moon rocks, for Obama. MORE »