Tag Archives: secretary of state

  Oh great here's another maybe thing

Is Hillary Clinton World’s Evilest Arms Dealer Ever? Maybe!

Up to no good, maybe or maybe not
At last, a Hillary Clinton ZOMGgate story that might actually be a thing! (Or might not. You never know with those wily Clintons, which is why it’s generally best to assume guilty until proven otherwise.) According to an exhaustive trillion-word report by the International Business Times, the Clinton State Department authorized approximately eleventeen metric fucktons of defense contracts between corporations and countries that, coincidentally uh huh sure right, happened to donate a whole bunch of money to the Clinton Foundation and to Bill Clinton (that’s her husband) for doing his high-priced speechifying thing: Read more on Is Hillary Clinton World’s Evilest Arms Dealer Ever? Maybe!…
  the state of the state is great

Kansas Named Florida / Arizona / Mississippi Of 2014, Pawns Trophy For Gas Money Home

Picking Wonkette’s State of the Year was no easy feat this time around, but Kansas pulled away from the pack with its flair for the dramatic. For a few heady months of 2014, Kansas shocked the country by flirting with electing politicians who were unaffiliated with the Republican Party. We let ourselves believe there could be a chance for the state to turn puce, if not full-on purple, as Kansas Republicans sucked at their jobs on a scale that was especially shocking given the fact that many of them were running for re-election. Read more on Kansas Named Florida / Arizona / Mississippi Of 2014, Pawns Trophy For Gas Money Home…
  it's like that elevator in the Shining

Kansas Voters Ready Guillotine For Kansas Republicans

  We are running out of adjectives to describe this year’s midterm election in Kansas. Shocking and crazy have been maxed out and fail to capture the shocking craziness that a state Mittens Romnington won by more than 20 points in 2012 could be about to throw three of its biggest-deal conservatives out of office. These visionaries, through sheer laziness, incompetence, and partisan zeal, might be on the verge of achieving the impossible: sucking enough to lose in Kansas as a Republican. Read more on Kansas Voters Ready Guillotine For Kansas Republicans…
  bitch moves

John Kerry, World’s Perfectest Diplomat

Hey new Secretary of State person (and we are frankly kind of peeved that it is back to the gender-neutral “person” now, as chicks have been kind of owning it since Madeleine Albright, God bless her, flirted and giggled her way across the globe) John Kerry, would you like to open your mouth about something and BE AN IDIOT? You would? Very good. Kerry said President Obama offered him the job of secretary of state a week before United Nations Ambassador Susan Rice withdrew her name from contention, an earlier timeline than has been previously reported. “He called me, actually a week before Susan got out of the thing,” Kerry said. “He called me and said, ‘You’re my choice. I want you to do this.’ He asked me to keep it quiet. I did. I sat on it.” We believe the idea was for you to continue to sit on it. Read more on John Kerry, World’s Perfectest Diplomat…
  a very special special election

Obama Nominates Kerry, Nation Collectively Shrugs

Hi people of Massachusetts! Did you enjoy your brief flirtation with having two Democratic senators like a goddamn blue state should? Welp, that’s over thanks to the Kenyan socialist pretender! After some incredibly boring speculation, it looks like hangdog-faced John Kerry will be your new Secretary of State, America!! GET EXCITED: Read more on Obama Nominates Kerry, Nation Collectively Shrugs…
  this is excellent news for ... oh wait this is excellent news for john mccain

McCain Eats Rice

UN Ambassador Susan Rice has removed herself from consideration for the position of New Hillz, citing John McCain being a total dick as the reason. Read more on McCain Eats Rice…
  alien vs. predator

Massive Heaps Of Elephant Dung: A Recap Of Sigourney Clinton Playing Hillary Weaver, In Political Animals!

It is the night of “election primary,” because the Sigourney Clinton vehicle “Political Animals” is just that sophisticated, and we are literally five minutes in and we are already shrieking and dying for the subtlety of an Aaron Sorkin Newsroom. It is “Getting To Know You” time, and we have already seen: Sigourney Clinton in a Disco Pansuit that at first looks like purple velour like she is Al Sharpton; her son announced as gay, for the sake of VERY FAST NARRATIVE; his grandma Ellen Burstyn calling him a homo while asking for a couple fingers of liquor; Sigourney’s husband being caught in the act of horndogging and boob-signing; and Sigourney saying that BECAUSE OF HER a woman will be elected president, someday. Oh, and her husband, Jowly Bill Clinton, violating the First Rule of Rules for Commenting Radicals. NOT SUBTLE, WHATEVER CHANNEL THIS IS. Read more on Massive Heaps Of Elephant Dung: A Recap Of Sigourney Clinton Playing Hillary Weaver, In Political Animals!…
  this whole court is out of order!

Orly Taitz Still Suing To Get Off Ballot Guy Who Beat Her In 2010

What, huh? Did you have trouble parsing that headline? It didn’t really make much sense, right? But have you considered that the problem might not be the headline, which is doing the best it can, bless its little anthropomorphized headline heart, but the story it is trying to explain? The story stars one Orly Taitz, after all — a woman who contains multitudes as she is a lawyer, dentist, future US senator from the world’s worst state, California, and probably some other stuff we forget. So what’s up, Orles? How are you clogging up the court system today? She continues to argue that [Damon] Dunn, a former National Football League player who defeated her for the [Republican nomination for Secretary of State in 2010] and ultimately lost to Democrat Debra Bowen, shouldn’t have been allowed to run as a Republican because years earlier in other states he’d registered as a Democrat. Of course she does. So she has been suing him for election fraud plus reimbursement for all the $40,000 she spent on her campaign. (Plus punitive damages, of course, which should be outlawed when a drunk doctor kills your baby but are awesome when someone breaks the laws that Orly Taitz made up in her head.) Read more on Orly Taitz Still Suing To Get Off Ballot Guy Who Beat Her In 2010…
  funny funny stuff

Rush Limbaugh: ‘All Hillary Is Is A Secretary’

Sorry, bloated wormy trichinosis-filled pig anus Rush Limbaugh, but we prefer the term “administrative assistant” when you guffaw and chortle and all those other phlegm-rattling verbs that Hillary Clinton, the most powerful woman in the world besides the chick who wrote The Hunger Games and maybe Beyonce, is just a “secretary.” Hillz, doll, wouldja be sure to make Rush’s half-decaf this time, sweetie, while you’re going on that secretarial coffee run in between your other secretarial duties, like … hmmmm, what do secretaries of state do all day anyway? They file their nails, right? Collate things? Lots of collating. Blow jobs probably, if you are Secretary of State of Mad Men. (Also: always be bringing more ice.) Lessee what else? Nothing. There is nothing else a Secretary of State does besides some light phone work, nothing at all. Read more on Rush Limbaugh: ‘All Hillary Is Is A Secretary’…
  hawt speculations

Who Will Be America’s Next Most Historic Secretary of State?

With Hillary Clinton slow drifting off towards her retirement in the assisted living community of Memes, the Hot Question (not really) in all of Washington is, who will be our nation’s next “top diplomat” to bring us a shooting war in Libya? No, wait, the Hot Question is, who will win the presidential election? If it’s Romney, of course, General McWarDongle will take the reins at Foggy Bottom and declare nuclear war domestically. But if it’s Obama, we’ll likely get the most boring possible choice. Think of the most boring possible choice, now, and then click the clicky! (HINT: IT’S THE GHOUL IN THE TOP PHOTO.) Read more on Who Will Be America’s Next Most Historic Secretary of State?…
  toilet humor

Newt Gingrich Needs Two Times As Many Bathrooms As Everyone Else

Here is some particularly gross gossip unearthed by the Smoking Gun that somehow met the “news” qualification at the Washington Post: according to this rider from a 2010 speaking engagement in Missouri, Newt Gingrich’s lengthy demands include two bathrooms in his hotel room, because he is just that full of shit. But all things considered, this is the least disgusting thing we have learned about Newt Gingrich so far in history. A quick six-second search is guaranteed to turn up something even worse… let’s see, oh here we go, apparently Newt Gingrich is breaking the law now by announcing he wants John Bolton to be his Secretary of State? Read more on Newt Gingrich Needs Two Times As Many Bathrooms As Everyone Else…
  Machiavellian Maneuvers

Hillary Clinton Quitting As Secretary of State (In 2012)

Scheming frenemy Hillary Clinton tells the CNN people that she won’t be Obama’s secretary of state in his next term, assuming he wins, so this frees him up to nominate Sarah Palin or George Will or somebody. Really, Hillary’s jumping off the rat-ship … that’s what she told Wolf Blitzer, anyway. She’s a Clinton, so you could literally throw her farther than you could trust her, but Hillz says a big “No” when asked by the CNN muppet if she would serve again as Secretary of State. Then, according to the transcript, she barks off “No,” “No,” and “No” when asked if she wants to be vice president, defense secretary or Actual President. Great, we guess? Read more on Hillary Clinton Quitting As Secretary of State (In 2012)…
  this week in elbow news

Clinton’s Elbow Sets Off Diplomatic Crisis

Oh noes, Secretary Clinton won’t be going on previously scheduled trips abroad this week, due to having her elbow amputated and replaced with a bionic joint that shoots laser beams and takes orders directly from the president, Dick Cheney. She needs to rest up and not shake hands with anybody, which means that attendees of international conferences in Trieste and Corfu will have to shake hands with two other jokers from the State Department instead. And THAT is how World War III will start tomorrow. [Washington Post] Read more on Clinton’s Elbow Sets Off Diplomatic Crisis…
  that wasn't so hard now was it

People Like Hillary Clinton Again!

Nobody really knows what Hillary Clinton has been up to, work-wise, since she started her Secretary of State-ing a couple months ago. She went to China or somesuch, yes? And went on a bunch of international teevee programs and suffered through important geopolitical inquiries such as when she fell in love with her husband? Well, 7 in 10 of us approve of the performance of America’s top diplomat, so hooray, she will not be boiled in a cauldron of hot oil next week as previously scheduled. [CNN] Read more on People Like Hillary Clinton Again!…
  late-night entertainments for old people

Condi On Leno

You may have forgotten about this with glamorous President Obama hogging the airwaves last evening, but another famous celebrity appeared on the teevee last night! It was that lady, Condoleezza Rice, who made history by becoming the first Secretary of State to wear sexy dominatrix outfits on foreign junkets. She chatted a few minutes with Jay Leno, who gets all the good bookings these days. (Letterman is too busy having sex with his new wife, to whom he finally lost his virginity several days ago.) [NBC] Read more on Condi On Leno…
  to something that isn't the presidency

SENATE CONFIRMS HILLARY CLINTON: The Senate has confirmed Hillary Clinton as Secretary of State in a 94-2 vote, with only Jim “Every Sentence Must Have ‘God’ In It” DeMint and David “Fucking” Vitter voting against. John Cornyn put down his hearty opposition to the immediate confirmation today after WALNUTS! himself, John McCain, told him to do so. Aww. Anyway, if you’d like some of that Kazakh energy contract cash, Bill Clinton’s taking calls! [The Hill] Read more on …