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Posts Tagged ‘secretary of state’

THIS WEEK IN ELBOW NEWS

Clinton’s Elbow Sets Off Diplomatic Crisis

Monday, June 22nd, 2009

The elbow's connected to the foggy bottomOh noes, Secretary Clinton won’t be going on previously scheduled trips abroad this week, due to having her elbow amputated and replaced with a bionic joint that shoots laser beams and takes orders directly from the president, Dick Cheney. She needs to rest up and not shake hands with anybody, which means that attendees of international conferences in Trieste and Corfu will have to shake hands with two other jokers from the State Department instead. And THAT is how World War III will start tomorrow. [Washington Post]


THAT WASN'T SO HARD NOW WAS IT

People Like Hillary Clinton Again!

Wednesday, March 25th, 2009

Quit molesting the Secretary of State you goonsNobody really knows what Hillary Clinton has been up to, work-wise, since she started her Secretary of State-ing a couple months ago. She went to China or somesuch, yes? And went on a bunch of international teevee programs and suffered through important geopolitical inquiries such as when she fell in love with her husband? Well, 7 in 10 of us approve of the performance of America’s top diplomat, so hooray, she will not be boiled in a cauldron of hot oil next week as previously scheduled. [CNN]


LATE-NIGHT ENTERTAINMENTS FOR OLD PEOPLE

Condi On Leno

Wednesday, March 25th, 2009

You may have forgotten about this with glamorous President Obama hogging the airwaves last evening, but another famous celebrity appeared on the teevee last night! It was that lady, Condoleezza Rice, who made history by becoming the first Secretary of State to wear sexy dominatrix outfits on foreign junkets. She chatted a few minutes with Jay Leno, who gets all the good bookings these days. (Letterman is too busy having sex with his new wife, to whom he finally lost his virginity several days ago.) [NBC]


TO SOMETHING THAT ISN'T THE PRESIDENCY

Wednesday, January 21st, 2009
  • SENATE CONFIRMS HILLARY CLINTON: The Senate has confirmed Hillary Clinton as Secretary of State in a 94-2 vote, with only Jim “Every Sentence Must Have ‘God’ In It” DeMint and David “Fucking” Vitter voting against. John Cornyn put down his hearty opposition to the immediate confirmation today after WALNUTS! himself, John McCain, told him to do so. Aww. Anyway, if you’d like some of that Kazakh energy contract cash, Bill Clinton’s taking calls! [The Hill]

STATE SECRETS

Jill Biden Blabs To Oprah About How Joe Could Have Been Secretary Of State

Tuesday, January 20th, 2009

Jill Biden has better teeth than this ostrich.Jill Biden, huzzah! She should own sixteen Nobel Prizes already, for staying married to the blabbermouth Joe Biden and for sending out a fundraising appeal on behalf of the pants monster Hillary Clinton. Now she deserves another prize, for Truth, because of what she told Oprah yesterday. MORE »


OVERWHELMED BY INDIGNITIES

Hillary Clinton Will Make $4,700 Less Per Year Than Condoleezza Rice

Thursday, December 11th, 2008

NObama, evah!Poor Hillary Clinton, who spends literally all of her time sending out spoofed Joe Biden emails begging donations for her massive campaign debt, has yet another financial indignity on her horizon: She’ll make $4,700 less per year than the current black Secretary of State, because that’s how Barack Obama’s America rolls. MORE »


NEWS OF THE OBVIOUS

It’s Unofficially Official: Hillary Clinton Is Secretary of State

Friday, November 21st, 2008

She is President of the State Department!Oh hey Friday slow news day, etc.! The various news outlets keep insisting that Hillary Clinton has quietly (as quietly as she can do anything) taken up Barack Obama on his offer to be Secretary of Diplomatic Teas and Bombing Things, so we pass that information along to you, the reader. Did you know that Bill Clinton turned over the names of over two-hundred-thousand donors to his foundation and memorial dildo farm in Little Rock, so that his wife could have this job? True story! MORE »


SHREWD CALCULATIONS

Hillary Decides: Obama’s Cabinet Or Debtor’s Prison?

Wednesday, November 19th, 2008

She will bomb the living crap out of everything.For veritable days we have been racking our brains, trying to figure out why Hillary Clinton would be interested in a Secretary of State position. It ain’t exactly a stepping stone to the presidency, and in her beloved Senate she can be her own boss and work on all those domestic things she loves so much, like imposing a Canadian-Marxist healthcare regime on America. Well, now we have the answer! What might motivate Hillary Clinton now is the thing that has always motivated the Clintons: money. (And the desire to serve, of course! And cracklins.) MORE »


HE HATES HENRY KISSINGER SO MUCH

Christopher Hitchens Doesn’t Like Clinton For SecState

Tuesday, November 18th, 2008

Necktie-free boozebag Christopher Hitchens does not like the idea of Hillary Clinton getting her grubby little paws all over America’s foreign policy. Meanwhile, Peter Beinart just shouts and shouts. Why so shouty, Peter? Be sure to watch till the end, when Hitchens’ hair wanders off his scalp and crawls away looking for a cheeseburger. [MSNBC]


KEEP YOUR FRIENDS CLOSE AND YOUR ENEMIES CLOSER

Monday, November 17th, 2008
  • FRENEMIES: The Guardian claims Hillary is your new secretary of state for your new president, Barack Obama. [Guardian]

LATEST CLINTON MEDIA FRENZIES

Hillary Clinton/Secretary Of State Rumors Flying Every Which Way

Friday, November 14th, 2008

Last night we began hearing that Hillary Clinton was under serious consideration to be Barack Obama’s Secretary of State, and that she flew to Chicago to meet with him about possibilities. This being Hillary Clinton, we of course are now engulfed in a wave of rumors, leaks, trial balloons, anonymous sources… Drama. It is how the Clintons, or any stories remotely involving them, tend to roll out. Let’s see what the latest gossip’s telling us about old Hillary. It ranges anywhere from Ronald Reagan retroactively appointing her to be assistant manager at a Baskin Robbins in Utah to her going on food stamps to her having sex with Monica Lewinsky and Vince Foster on a pile of moon rocks, for Obama. MORE »