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Posts Tagged ‘secret service’

DEMOCRATS

‘Federal Officials’ Demand Weapons Check End At Dallas Obama Rally

Friday, February 22nd, 2008

It's a mystery! It's a mystery wrapped in a riddle inside an enigma! The fuckin' shooters don't even know! Don't you get it? Here’s a collection of words and names that will automatically creep you out: Dallas, Secret Service, big crowds, guns, Barack Obama. At a Wednesday rally in Dallas, unnamed “federal officials” stopped the weapons screening for thousands of random people who turned out for Barack Obama’s rally at Reunion Arena. Why? Well, there was kind of a long line, and the 17,000 strangers seemed like a “friendly crowd.” MORE »


DEMOCRATS

Saturday, January 26th, 2008

CHECK OUT OBAMA’S SECURITY TONIGHT: Did his Secret Service detail just get scarily serious? Yes, that is a big happy crazy crowd — and as “diverse” as Barry claims — but we’ve been watching Obama for a while now, and this is the first time those security dudes looked so sharp and serious. We’re sure it has nothing to do with Caroline Kennedy endorsing Barry today in the NYT, under the headline “A President Like My Father.” [New York Times]


DICK CHENEY

Steven Howard Should Probably Watch His Back

Friday, January 18th, 2008

Plotting commencing in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1In June 2006, Steven Howard — an environmental consultant with high morals but little sense — decided it would be a great idea to sort of maybe kinda shove Darth Cheney to get his attention so that he could tell him what a shit he is about Iraq. To Darth’s credit, he didn’t immediately disembowel Steve because of the children present, but Steve did get picked up by the Secret Service and had to sit in a county jail cell for three hours.

MORE »


WASHINGTON POST

McCain Would Reject Secret Service In Fantasy Presidential Scenario

Monday, November 19th, 2007

you will get shot by all of these, johnJohn McCain announced this weekend that he wanted to die. Not really, but the thought was probably in his head when he did say that if he were elected president, it would be his “intention” to reject Secret Service protection. Not that this is much of a surprise — back in Walnuts’ sporting youth, he didn’t need any foo-foo bodyguards, and it only landed him five years as a prisoner of war. [The Trail]


KARL ROVE

Rove Mooner Has a Posse

Thursday, August 30th, 2007

Exposure is not a crime - WonketteLast April, AU student Joel Gardner mooned Karl Rove. Last weekend, he was informed that the Secret Service had a warrant out for his arrest. For “disorderly conduct and crossing a police barrier.” Today brought some good news: MORE »


KARL ROVE

Rove Mooner Wanted by the Secret Service

Monday, August 27th, 2007

Hey, Intern Greg broke a story! Back in April, Karl Rove spoke at American University and some hippies yelled at him and some of them even mooned him. This was one of the millions of goofy protests college students engage in across the country when they’re not too high to leave their dorm rooms, and it happened months ago, so everyone had forgotten about it. Except the Secret Service! MORE »


WHITE HOUSE

Famous Person Spotted in Washington

Thursday, July 19th, 2007

This famous person was in Washington - WonketteEd Henry was just hanging out by the White House, as is his custom, when he noticed “a group of Secret Service agents” hassling a black man. Naturally, Ed “didn’t think too much of it.” That happens all the time! But it turned out to be a famous black man. Dave Chappelle, popular comedian! MORE »


DICK CHENEY

Cheney’s Tomb of the Unknown Lobbyist

Wednesday, May 30th, 2007

Last20House20On20The20Left201972.jpgWe will never, ever learn how many missing persons are actually buried deep below the Naval Observatory, or perhaps still locked in its dungeon, kept barely alive and in constant pain, partly for organ-harvesting, and partly for mere sport. MORE »


BARACK OBAMA

It Just Became Marginally Harder For Lepers to Get Obama to Cure Them With His Touch

Thursday, May 3rd, 2007

Barry Hussein Obama today became the earliest Presidential candidate ever to be placed under Secret Service protection. Michael Chertoff authorized it himself, as he’s a fan of grim foreshadowing, and recently saw Bobby. MORE »


WHITE HOUSE

Secret Service Agents Shoot Each Other At White House

Tuesday, April 17th, 2007

All right, shakedown! - WonketteHey everybody, maybe relax and put down the guns for the afternoon? We’re all a little tense but it’s not really helping America Heal ™ when Secret Service guys are shooting each other outside the White House … um, excuse us, we mean “in a security booth at the southwest gate.” MORE »


NSA

Assassination Watch: NSA Totally Didn’t Murder Princess Di

Thursday, December 14th, 2006

The '80s sucked. - WonketteScotland Yard wants the world to know that America certainly did not have Princess Diana assassinated in Paris 10 years ago. Just try to argue with the evidence in this all-new authoritative investigation: MORE »


TOP

Barbara Bush and the Argentine Reichstag Fire

Tuesday, November 28th, 2006

Las hijas de Bush! - WonketteFinally, an American expat in Argentina blogs up the dirt on the endlessly fascinating theft of young Barbara Bush’s purse. We can now provide the following shocking details from a retired DC/NYC newspaperman:

* The purse-snatching took place at some huge bar/restaurant in the “hip San Telmo district.”
* It’s apparently spring in Argentina; rich girls can just skip winter altogether.
* The purse-snatching thieves are known as PorteƱos, which is Spanish for “purse snatchers.” (UPDATE FOR CERTAIN READERS: THAT’S A JOKE.)

Lots more hot Argentine action, after the jump.

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TOP

Bush Twins Naked & Abandoned In Argentina

Monday, November 27th, 2006

Hydrate that hangover! - WonketteHere’s your BREAKING UPDATE on the Bush Twins’ Argentine Adventure, featuring abandoned presidential daughters and possible assassination attempts:

Barbara made headlines last week when she was robbed in a Buenos Aires restaurant; somebody apparently made off with her purse and cell phone. Secret Service agents claimed they “remotely erased” the mobile’s memory, thus denying America the naked drunken Bush Twins photos we so desperately need in these dark times. (But there’s no reason to believe the twins’ Secret Service detail, as the agents didn’t even notice the purse-snatching, because they were too busy being savagely beaten in the streets.)

Unfazed by the chaos and crime, the sisters continued their rampage because they were celebrating their 25th birthdays — and possibly preparing an escaped-Nazi-style South American lair for their soon-to-be deposed father. Lots more, after the jump.

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