Wonkette

The FBI and Secret Service have launched a Special Investigation into the important matter of some “hacker” breaking into Sarah Palin’s Yahoo! e-mail and taking a few benign screen shots. Michelle Malkin, Bill O’Reilly et al. have been lambasting our friends at Gawker for posting the screen shots; O’Reilly even said that Gawker owner Nick Denton should be thrown in jail forever. (Maybe? But not for this.) In the meantime, the supposed hacker has released an account of his complicated crime. We should warn you that only advanced computer science-trained minds will be able to understand this, but here goes: the hacker correctly guessed Palin’s simple “Forgot Your Password?” question. Crafty! MORE »

You — yes you, the American terrorist citizen — will have to pay for Dick Cheney’s security detail and personal safety for the rest of your life. Even when China has decided to pull the rug out and take us over, you will still have to tithe to the Church of Mao’s holding account that will be used, for some reason, to protect Dick Cheney. Everything we just said is partially true. The Secret Service is proposing, for the first time in history, to grant the vice president its protective services for six months after he leaves office, to the tune of $4 million. Swell! And guess why? It’s not complicated. Just figure it out, geniuses.

Because of THE TERRORRRRRRRORORORRRRRISTS of course!

Although presidents and their spouses are entitled to Secret Service protection long after they depart the White House, federal law authorizes protective services for the vice president and his immediate family only during his time in office. Extending Cheney’s detail would require a directive from the president or a joint resolution of Congress.

“We believe that it’s a pretty safe bet with the threat environment we face today that Vice President Cheney will be afforded Secret Service protection upon his departure,” Sullivan told the House Appropriations subcommittee on homeland security last week.

Experts say such precautions make sense. The United States is at war abroad and faces the persistent threat of terrorism at home. Cheney, a principal architect of the administration’s foreign and national security policies, has been an unusually high-profile No. 2 — and would remain a target long after his term.

Because he is Too Big To Fall, and then the Federal Reserve will have to bail him out.

It would be a fitting end to the last eight years in Washington if Congress’ last (or first?) piece of legislation was a joint resolution to pay for Dick Cheney’s protection from The Terrorists while he is a private citizen.

Cheney Could Keep Security Detail [Washington Post]

Here’s a collection of words and names that will automatically creep you out: Dallas, Secret Service, big crowds, guns, Barack Obama. At a Wednesday rally in Dallas, unnamed “federal officials” stopped the weapons screening for thousands of random people who turned out for Barack Obama’s rally at Reunion Arena. Why? Well, there was kind of a long line, and the 17,000 strangers seemed like a “friendly crowd.” MORE »

CHECK OUT OBAMA’S SECURITY TONIGHT: Did his Secret Service detail just get scarily serious? Yes, that is a big happy crazy crowd — and as “diverse” as Barry claims — but we’ve been watching Obama for a while now, and this is the first time those security dudes looked so sharp and serious. We’re sure it has nothing to do with Caroline Kennedy endorsing Barry today in the NYT, under the headline “A President Like My Father.” [New York Times]

In June 2006, Steven Howard — an environmental consultant with high morals but little sense — decided it would be a great idea to sort of maybe kinda shove Darth Cheney to get his attention so that he could tell him what a shit he is about Iraq. To Darth’s credit, he didn’t immediately disembowel Steve because of the children present, but Steve did get picked up by the Secret Service and had to sit in a county jail cell for three hours.

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John McCain announced this weekend that he wanted to die. Not really, but the thought was probably in his head when he did say that if he were elected president, it would be his “intention” to reject Secret Service protection. Not that this is much of a surprise — back in Walnuts’ sporting youth, he didn’t need any foo-foo bodyguards, and it only landed him five years as a prisoner of war. [The Trail]

Last April, AU student Joel Gardner mooned Karl Rove. Last weekend, he was informed that the Secret Service had a warrant out for his arrest. For “disorderly conduct and crossing a police barrier.” Today brought some good news: MORE »

Hey, Intern Greg broke a story! Back in April, Karl Rove spoke at American University and some hippies yelled at him and some of them even mooned him. This was one of the millions of goofy protests college students engage in across the country when they’re not too high to leave their dorm rooms, and it happened months ago, so everyone had forgotten about it. Except the Secret Service! MORE »

Ed Henry was just hanging out by the White House, as is his custom, when he noticed “a group of Secret Service agents” hassling a black man. Naturally, Ed “didn’t think too much of it.” That happens all the time! But it turned out to be a famous black man. Dave Chappelle, popular comedian! MORE »

We will never, ever learn how many missing persons are actually buried deep below the Naval Observatory, or perhaps still locked in its dungeon, kept barely alive and in constant pain, partly for organ-harvesting, and partly for mere sport. MORE »

Barry Hussein Obama today became the earliest Presidential candidate ever to be placed under Secret Service protection. Michael Chertoff authorized it himself, as he’s a fan of grim foreshadowing, and recently saw Bobby. MORE »