Tag Archives: secret service

  Bad Analogy Theater

Tucker Carlson Revives Hilarious ‘Disarm The Secret Service’ Gag From 2013

Is open carry allowed in theFox studios? Just asking.
On Fox & Friends Saturday, Newstwerp Tucker Carlson had some Deeply Apolitical Thoughts on President Obama’s shocking politicizing of last week’s massacre in Charleston, reviving a completely original NRA talking point from 2013: If Obama hates guns so much and wants to take everyone’s guns away because guns are evil, then why doesn’t he have his Secret Service detail go without guns, huh? HUH? This was generally regarded on the right as the smartest idea ever heard since the last time some knucklehead brought it up. Read more on Tucker Carlson Revives Hilarious ‘Disarm The Secret Service’ Gag From 2013…
  Dun fell off the wagon

Nine Things President Obama Might Be Holding Besides This Dirty Pack Of Cigarettes

Bad president bad!
OH NO, President Obama is back behind the high school gym again, smoking all the cigarettes and rolling his eyes, maybe and allegedly! Cigarettes are a well-known slippery slope to getting potted up on weed and socializing America. Obama was caught on camera chattin’ up Italian Prime Minister Matteo Renzi at the G7 Summit in Germany, and he certainly appears to be holding a pack of cigarettes, doing that gesture where he’s flipping open a pack to pull one out and light up. But is he really doing that? Hard to tell! Because yr Wonkette likes to think the best of people and doesn’t like to jump to conclusions, what else might he be holding in his nicotine-stained hands? Read more on Nine Things President Obama Might Be Holding Besides This Dirty Pack Of Cigarettes…
  Yet Another 'Another American Revolution'

Ted Cruz Supports Gun Control, To Protect Ted Cruz

Be vewwy quiet. I'm hunting Dewegates!
Hey, Ted Cruz, what’s your next cool fundraiser idea? Wow, a chance for some lucky gun-humping donor to go shootin’ with the senator? That sounds like more fun than staying up all night playing RISK with Rand Paul! Funny thing though; the contest requires that the winner be able to pass a background check. It’s in the fine print, which specifies that the “Sponsor” of the sweepstakes — the Cruz campaign — must verify that Ted Cruz will be at least nominally safe with his brand new huntin’ buddy: Read more on Ted Cruz Supports Gun Control, To Protect Ted Cruz…
  boom flakkalaka flakkalaka flakkalaka flakka boom

Gyrocopters, Demons, And Squirrelly Motherf*ckers! Your Florida Roundup

Florida Man was fucking busy this week, you guys! Let’s dive right in. Meet Doug Hughes, Great American Hero. (Oh wait, you already have.) Mr. Doug is a dedicated public servant and self-proclaimed Showman Patriot, a 61-year-old mailman from Ruskin, Florida (no, we have no idea where that is), who decided to combat the scourge of excess campaign money (which is definitely A Thing That Deserves To Be Combatted) by hopping in his gyrocopter (A Thing That Also Apparently Exists) and flying to the nation’s Capitol. Hughes wanted to drop off a letter to each of the 535 members of Congress telling them they could just go fuck the fuck off if they didn’t want to combat corruption, just like Thomas Jefferson would … even though he was going through restricted Washington DC airspace: Read more on Gyrocopters, Demons, And Squirrelly Motherf*ckers! Your Florida Roundup…
  also kicks puppies

Hillary Clinton Beats Up Crippled Children, Takes Their Candy And Parking Space

Arrows prove everything
What terrible thing did Hillary Clinton do now? Why, she parked her Scooby Van in a handicapped spot — and laughed about it! Look, there is even video! And in case you cannot believe it, the Very Offended Krystal Heath, associate producer for conservative “comedian” Steven Crowder, wrote a trillion words about it and how she is Personally Very Offended, also she has a photograph to point out the offensive parking job: Read more on Hillary Clinton Beats Up Crippled Children, Takes Their Candy And Parking Space…
  Today's News Anchor Vocabulary Word: 'Gyrocopter'

Florida Man Tries To Air-Drop Message To Congress, It Does Not Go Well

Reports that The Humungus had taken over the Ellipse turned out to be unsubstantiated
A Florida (OF COURSE) mailman’s attempt to call attention to campaign finance reform instead prompted a terrorism scare when the amateur aviator landed his gyrocopter on Capitol Hill Wednesday. 61-year-old Doug Hughes, of Ruskin, Florida, had been planning the flight for over a year, and apparently tried to publicize the stunt by building a website and telling the Tampa Bay Times about it in advance, but apart from getting a visit from the Secret Service last year — with no follow-up — it appears that nobody in Washington was aware of the planned flight, which Hughes knew was in violation of federal law. The Times even made a video about Hughes’s plans: Read more on Florida Man Tries To Air-Drop Message To Congress, It Does Not Go Well…
  Probably no blow allowed either

Party Pooper Eric Holder Reminds DOJ Staff They Cannot Have Sexy Funtimes With Hookers, Unfair!

Fun's over, fellas
Attorney General Eric Holder is supposed to not even BE THERE anymore, but until Republicans confirm his replacement — no rush, guys, really — he’s going to oppress America, and the employees of the Department of Justice, SO HARD: Read more on Party Pooper Eric Holder Reminds DOJ Staff They Cannot Have Sexy Funtimes With Hookers, Unfair!…
  Who Guards The Bawdy Guards?

Another Day, Another Secret Service A**hole Gets Caught Being An A**hole

If they don't shape up, make them wear the Nixon uniforms.
Attenion, U.S. Secret Service: You can stop now, really. The nation’s opinion of you guys couldn’t possibly get much lower, so would you please just stop trying? The latest horrorshow from the agency charged with keeping the president safe: Xavier Morales, a manager with the agency, has been put on leave and had his security clearance yanked after an alleged sexual assault on a female agent March 31. It’s been what, all of two, maybe three, weeks since the last drunken Secret Service fuckup? Are they worried we’ll forget about them? Read more on Another Day, Another Secret Service A**hole Gets Caught Being An A**hole…
  Reagan didn't die on the cross for this!

Russia’s In Ur White House Computers, Snoopin All Ur Sextings

Look, Natasha! Is Taco Tuesday every week!
CNN reported Tuesday that Russian hackers broke into an unclassified White House computer system last fall, and while they didn’t break into any classified systems, they still “had access to sensitive information such as real-time non-public details of the president’s schedule,” which security expert people told CNN is “still highly sensitive and prized by foreign intelligence agencies[.]” What we really want to know, though, is whether the Russkies had access to scheduling advice given to President Obama by his astrologer. Read more on Russia’s In Ur White House Computers, Snoopin All Ur Sextings…
  OK Maybe More Hookers Than Blow

DEA Gets Its Very Own Colombian Hookers-N-Blow Scandal

Can't believe they kept these wild photos!
Members of the Secret Service have to be feeling pretty relieved that theirs is now not the only federal agency with an embarrassing hookers-in-Colombia scandal. Agents from the Drug Enforcement Agency allegedly had “sex parties” — and possibly even wild sex parties — with prostitutes in Colombia from 2005 to 2008, according to a Department of Justice inspector general’s report. And just to add to the fun, the DEA agents’ prostie-parties were reportedly paid for by drug cartels, which is, depending on your perspective, either way worse or way better than the Secret Service prostitution capers. On the one hand, at least the Secret Service wasn’t having its hookers paid for by the Assassins’ Guild. On the other other hand, the Secret Service scandal came to light partly because the cheap bastards didn’t even pay their hookers, who complained, so we can take some comfort from the fact that the DEA’s ladies received a fair day’s wages for their negotiable affection. It’s all a matter of perspective, no? Read more on DEA Gets Its Very Own Colombian Hookers-N-Blow Scandal…
  Superior Aryan Intellect Strikes Again

White Power Ranger Is Saddest Wannabe ‘Obama Assassin’ Ever

He figures looking off to the side worked for Michele Bachmann
Some days, it feels like you can’t trust anyone. Just ask Aryan chinbeard warrior Cameron Stout, pictured above, who earned himself a nice set of federal charges Tuesday after sharing his desire to shoot Barack Obama with a newfound friend who just happened to be a federal informant. Who also happened to be a former member of the Aryan Nations, now working with the feds, according to an affidavit in the case: Read more on White Power Ranger Is Saddest Wannabe ‘Obama Assassin’ Ever…
  in his majesty’s secret service … chug chug chug!

Secret Service Bros Drunk Drive Into White House Barricades. Party On!

Have you ever wondered, when they’re not scoring those sweet, sweet South American hookers or being generally incompetent, what Secret Service agents do for fun? Sure you have. Well, it turns out they behave just like the rest of us — at least, like the rest of us did when we were drug-addled, brain-dead college freshman. Read more on Secret Service Bros Drunk Drive Into White House Barricades. Party On!…
  With Protectors Like This...

Obama ‘Petulant Child’ For Depriving Secret Service Of Old French Whores

'Hey there, petulant child.' 'Hey there, failed congressional candidate.'
Image from “The Secret Service Agent Workout Routine,” Muscle & Fitness Magazine Hey, you know how Obama completely destroyed American credibility by not flying to Paris for that not-quite-a-march “March of Unity” of world leaders earlier this week? Never mind that if he had gone, we’d be hearing nothing but “How dare he waste all our taxpayer moneys gallivanting around with cheese-eaters who weren’t even in the actual march!” Read more on Obama ‘Petulant Child’ For Depriving Secret Service Of Old French Whores…
  It's so crazy it just might work

Genius Independent Panel Recommends Secret Service Not Suck So Much

New beefed up security plan for the White House
Photo by Gideon/Flickr Hey, remember how the Secret Service has been kind of sucking at doing its job of keeping uninvited guests from jumping the White House fence and walking right through the front door like it’s no big? In November, the White House conducted its own obviously biased investigation to figure out just how Omar Gonzales was able to pull off the nearly impossible magic trick of getting so close to the president of the United States of America that he could practically smell what the president had for breakfast that morning: Read more on Genius Independent Panel Recommends Secret Service Not Suck So Much…
  strange fruit

These Real Patriotic Americans Just Want To Hang Obama From A Tree Is All

KKKlassy
Everyone knows that it was Jesus who wrote the Constitution, and what better way to exercise your biblical rights to petition your government than to gather half a dozen like-minded ‘Mericans outside the White House to have a good chuckle about killing the president? Read more on These Real Patriotic Americans Just Want To Hang Obama From A Tree Is All…
  In the LIne Of...Fire All These Idiots

Secret Service Even More Clusterf**ked Than We Thought

This is a big dumbfuck deal
Just in case you were waiting, the other shoe in the Secret Service Keystone Kops saga has dropped. This dumb scandal is starting to look like Imelda Marcos’s closet. The White House did a big internal review, and some kind soul leaked a copy to the New York Times. In addition to all the crap we knew already about the guy who jumped the White House fence, sprinted across the lawn, made it through the front door, and was only tackled because an off-duty Secret Service agent was visiting, now we also learn that the incident involved some radio failures, agents goofing off on the job, and just plain lax security. Read more on Secret Service Even More Clusterf**ked Than We Thought…
  dear john

Secret Service Hooker Investigator Canned, You Will Never Guess Why Just Kidding

Remember when the Secret Service couldn’t stop visiting prostitutes, and then some poor kid from the White House advance team couldn’t stop visiting prostitutes, and it was obviously Obama’s fault coverupbenghaziworsethanwatergate? Of course you do, that is all you read about on yr Wonkette. Well, the Department of Homeland Security investigated all those happy endings, and you will never guess what happened to the dude who was doing the investigation, just kidding, of course you will: Read more on Secret Service Hooker Investigator Canned, You Will Never Guess Why Just Kidding…
  cocktober surprise

Terrible Obama Covers Up 25-Year-Old Volunteer Gettin’ It Wet With Prosties

There are very few pulp novels about Cartagena. Market opportunity!
We are apparently supposed to be outraged and scandalized by this new wrinkle on the 2012 Secret Service Sexxytime Scandal: It wasn’t just Secret Service agents foolin’ around with hookers before Barack Obama’s April 2012 trip to Cartagena, Colombia. According to yesterday’s Washington Post, a 25-year-old volunteer traveling with the White House advance team got it on with a prostitute, just like the Secret Service did, even though the White House has always said that no members of the White House advance staff were involved. The volunteer, Jonathan Dach, isn’t talking, but his attorney has denied that Dach hired a prostitute or did anything in his hotel bed other than sleep, eat, and maybe make a little tent. Read more on Terrible Obama Covers Up 25-Year-Old Volunteer Gettin’ It Wet With Prosties…
  Some Men Just Want To Call The World Flat

Sunday Bloody NYT Sunday: Special Tom Friedman Rented ‘Batman’ Edition

Holy nightmare fuel, Batman!
Most of the news today is predictably awful, so we will just skim it, thank you. Good god, you people aren’t actually relying on Yr Wonkette to be informed, are you? It looks like the government of Hong Kong is trying to avoid going all Tienanmen Square on pro-democracy protesters, so that’s a good thing. The federal government is trying to reach out to disaffected Muslim youth in America to prevent them from joining ISIS and other terrorist groups, a task which is made difficult by the fact that the government has done so much to treat American Muslims like pariahs (and American wingnuts keep calling for more). See the treatment of NPR’s Sarah Abdurrahman during a routine crossing from Canada back into the US last year for an example of actions that may be even more likely than AP History to make people hate this government. Read more on Sunday Bloody NYT Sunday: Special Tom Friedman Rented ‘Batman’ Edition…
  clipbait

Jon Stewart Literally Disembowels Secret Service, Feeds It To Unused Guard Dogs (Video)

Jon Stewart is just as flummoxed by the Secret Service’s recent string of screw-ups as anyone else, and the details of the Omar Gonzales’s fence-jumping and unguided White House tour just left him all the more astonished. The Secret Service didn’t release dogs, for instance, because they were worried the dogs might attack agents. Read more on Jon Stewart Literally Disembowels Secret Service, Feeds It To Unused Guard Dogs (Video)…
  victory!

Girl Secret Service Director’s Resignation Is Obama’s Latest Attack On Women, According To Idiots

So long, farewell
Secret Service director Julia Pierson has resigned over the recent rash of security breaches around the president and the White House. This leaves us with just one important question: How long will it take the wingnuts to blame Pierson’s resignation on Obama leading the real War on Women? Let’s see. Here is a tweet from NBC News that alerted us to the story, time-stamped 12:24. Read more on Girl Secret Service Director’s Resignation Is Obama’s Latest Attack On Women, According To Idiots…