JOE BIDEN’S MOTORCADE KILLS PEDESTRIAN: In the vice president’s latest “gaffe,” his motorcade, which was not carrying him at the time (so is it really a “motorcade” then?), struck and killed a pedestrian last night at 3 a.m. The big news here is that Joe Biden even has a motorcade. No but seriously that’s awful. [Raw Story]

Here’s a wacky poll from the Facebook over the weekend. The Secret Service were informed and are now looking to kill the shit out of someone, perhaps the person who created this poll. MORE »

Man, what kind of a free speech country do we even have anymore when a man holding an innocuous “Death to Obama” sign outside a contentious town hall meeting, one that goes about as poorly as the other meetings that featured GUNS AND KNIVES and lots of shouting, is detained by police? No wonder everybody wants their America back! This America blows. MORE »

Here is news that will be shocking to zero persons: the Bush twins were a bit of a handful for their Secret Service detail back in the day! Yeah, they liked to party a lot, and would occasionally try to slip out unsupervised. Jenna appears to have been the bigger pain in the ass (!!!??!). Why was George Bush not impeached over his failure to control his college-aged daughters, who more and more appear to be the sort of fun, boozy Southern girls who end up as real classy society dames working as docents at your local mid-sized modern art museum? MORE »

• BARACK OBAMA WILL KEEP DICK CHENEY SAFE FOREVER: Government teat-suckler Dick Cheney is such a pussy that he became one of the first — if not the first — vice presidents in history to accept Secret Service protection after his reign of terror in office expired, a move requiring the president’s authorization. Cheney then ran around Washington going on teevee everyday saying that Obama wanted Americans to die, constantly. Now Barack Obama has extended Cheney’s Secret Service protection, so YOU’RE WELCOME, you crazy vampire. [US News]

Here, take a break from Todd Purdum’s 98-million-word rehash of everything awful about Sarah Palin and cleanse your brain with this bizarre interview the Alaska governor did with Runner’s World! Did you know that Sarah Palin is so weirdly secretive about EVERYTHING that she made the Secret Service swear not to tell anybody about this one time she fell while jogging? MORE »

President Obama has dispatched an army of sterilization goons to London in advance of the G20 meeting this week. Their task: to remove the gonads of any human who invades the “sterile area” around the president. Obama also sent his driver over early so that he could familiarize himself with the quaint English custom of driving on the wrong side of the road, a practice known locally as “buggery.” MORE »

Screw AIG, they are NOTHING! You know what else you’re paying for with your taxes? Jenna Bush’s Secret Service limousine! Because a full-size sedan is simply not big enough for the crew of one of Jenna’s “Ladies Nights” at the Baltimore bars. And now a website reports that Jenna’s Secret Service limo has been booted ‘n’ towed for not ever paying any of its many parking tickets. Guess Jenna will have to drunk-drive her scooter all alone now. [Investigative Voice]

George W. Bush’s armed phalanx of security goons did a piss-poor job of defending the President from the terrible threat of shoes the other day. Ever since the shoe bomber incident of 2001, every moran in America has known what a dangerous weapon a simple human foot-covering can be. So why did security screeners not notice an Iraqi journalist wearing these shoe-like objects that were, in fact, shoes? MORE »

• OBAMAS ALL HAVE HOPEFUL SECRET-SERVICE CODE NAMES: Here is a fun fact! Secret Service code names were invented for easier pronunciation and transmission over radio devices, not as any sort of “secret code.” Thus it does not matter if everyone in the world knows the upcoming First Family’s code names. They are: Renegade, Renaissance, Radiance, and Rosebud. Barack Obama is also known as “Smurfette,” in honor of Karenna Gore. [BBC News]

The FBI and Secret Service have launched a Special Investigation into the important matter of some “hacker” breaking into Sarah Palin’s Yahoo! e-mail and taking a few benign screen shots. Michelle Malkin, Bill O’Reilly et al. have been lambasting our friends at Gawker for posting the screen shots; O’Reilly even said that Gawker owner Nick Denton should be thrown in jail forever. (Maybe? But not for this.) In the meantime, the supposed hacker has released an account of his complicated crime. We should warn you that only advanced computer science-trained minds will be able to understand this, but here goes: the hacker correctly guessed Palin’s simple “Forgot Your Password?” question. Crafty! MORE »