Here, take a break from Todd Purdum’s 98-million-word rehash of everything awful about Sarah Palin and cleanse your brain with this bizarre interview the Alaska governor did with Runner’s World! Did you know that Sarah Palin is so weirdly secretive about EVERYTHING that she made the Secret Service swear not to tell anybody about this one time she fell while jogging? MORE »

President Obama has dispatched an army of sterilization goons to London in advance of the G20 meeting this week. Their task: to remove the gonads of any human who invades the “sterile area” around the president. Obama also sent his driver over early so that he could familiarize himself with the quaint English custom of driving on the wrong side of the road, a practice known locally as “buggery.” MORE »

Screw AIG, they are NOTHING! You know what else you’re paying for with your taxes? Jenna Bush’s Secret Service limousine! Because a full-size sedan is simply not big enough for the crew of one of Jenna’s “Ladies Nights” at the Baltimore bars. And now a website reports that Jenna’s Secret Service limo has been booted ‘n’ towed for not ever paying any of its many parking tickets. Guess Jenna will have to drunk-drive her scooter all alone now. [Investigative Voice]

George W. Bush’s armed phalanx of security goons did a piss-poor job of defending the President from the terrible threat of shoes the other day. Ever since the shoe bomber incident of 2001, every moran in America has known what a dangerous weapon a simple human foot-covering can be. So why did security screeners not notice an Iraqi journalist wearing these shoe-like objects that were, in fact, shoes? MORE »

• OBAMAS ALL HAVE HOPEFUL SECRET-SERVICE CODE NAMES: Here is a fun fact! Secret Service code names were invented for easier pronunciation and transmission over radio devices, not as any sort of “secret code.” Thus it does not matter if everyone in the world knows the upcoming First Family’s code names. They are: Renegade, Renaissance, Radiance, and Rosebud. Barack Obama is also known as “Smurfette,” in honor of Karenna Gore. [BBC News]

The FBI and Secret Service have launched a Special Investigation into the important matter of some “hacker” breaking into Sarah Palin’s Yahoo! e-mail and taking a few benign screen shots. Michelle Malkin, Bill O’Reilly et al. have been lambasting our friends at Gawker for posting the screen shots; O’Reilly even said that Gawker owner Nick Denton should be thrown in jail forever. (Maybe? But not for this.) In the meantime, the supposed hacker has released an account of his complicated crime. We should warn you that only advanced computer science-trained minds will be able to understand this, but here goes: the hacker correctly guessed Palin’s simple “Forgot Your Password?” question. Crafty! MORE »

You — yes you, the American terrorist citizen — will have to pay for Dick Cheney’s security detail and personal safety for the rest of your life. Even when China has decided to pull the rug out and take us over, you will still have to tithe to the Church of Mao’s holding account that will be used, for some reason, to protect Dick Cheney. Everything we just said is partially true. The Secret Service is proposing, for the first time in history, to grant the vice president its protective services for six months after he leaves office, to the tune of $4 million. Swell! And guess why? It’s not complicated. Just figure it out, geniuses.

Because of THE TERRORRRRRRRORORORRRRRISTS of course!

Although presidents and their spouses are entitled to Secret Service protection long after they depart the White House, federal law authorizes protective services for the vice president and his immediate family only during his time in office. Extending Cheney’s detail would require a directive from the president or a joint resolution of Congress.

“We believe that it’s a pretty safe bet with the threat environment we face today that Vice President Cheney will be afforded Secret Service protection upon his departure,” Sullivan told the House Appropriations subcommittee on homeland security last week.

Experts say such precautions make sense. The United States is at war abroad and faces the persistent threat of terrorism at home. Cheney, a principal architect of the administration’s foreign and national security policies, has been an unusually high-profile No. 2 — and would remain a target long after his term.

Because he is Too Big To Fall, and then the Federal Reserve will have to bail him out.

It would be a fitting end to the last eight years in Washington if Congress’ last (or first?) piece of legislation was a joint resolution to pay for Dick Cheney’s protection from The Terrorists while he is a private citizen.

Cheney Could Keep Security Detail [Washington Post]

Here’s a collection of words and names that will automatically creep you out: Dallas, Secret Service, big crowds, guns, Barack Obama. At a Wednesday rally in Dallas, unnamed “federal officials” stopped the weapons screening for thousands of random people who turned out for Barack Obama’s rally at Reunion Arena. Why? Well, there was kind of a long line, and the 17,000 strangers seemed like a “friendly crowd.” MORE »

CHECK OUT OBAMA’S SECURITY TONIGHT: Did his Secret Service detail just get scarily serious? Yes, that is a big happy crazy crowd — and as “diverse” as Barry claims — but we’ve been watching Obama for a while now, and this is the first time those security dudes looked so sharp and serious. We’re sure it has nothing to do with Caroline Kennedy endorsing Barry today in the NYT, under the headline “A President Like My Father.” [New York Times]

In June 2006, Steven Howard — an environmental consultant with high morals but little sense — decided it would be a great idea to sort of maybe kinda shove Darth Cheney to get his attention so that he could tell him what a shit he is about Iraq. To Darth’s credit, he didn’t immediately disembowel Steve because of the children present, but Steve did get picked up by the Secret Service and had to sit in a county jail cell for three hours.

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John McCain announced this weekend that he wanted to die. Not really, but the thought was probably in his head when he did say that if he were elected president, it would be his “intention” to reject Secret Service protection. Not that this is much of a surprise — back in Walnuts’ sporting youth, he didn’t need any foo-foo bodyguards, and it only landed him five years as a prisoner of war. [The Trail]