In A Few Years We Won’t Even Be Able To Remember *Not* Bringing Guns On Amtrak
Monday, October 26th, 2009
Anyone who has ever been on an Amtrak train—especially during rush hour or the onset of holiday weekends—knows how much better things would be aboard that train if passengers were allowed to bring guns on it. Any and all conflicts would be basically pre-solved, because whoever wins is just whoever has a gun, see? Anyway, Congress is all for it, and they are willing to withhold $1.5 billion in funding from Amtrak—or shoot Amtrak with a gun concealed in its messenger bag—unless this is allowed by April. MORE »











A group of important politicians, including Senators Harry Reid and John Ensign and also the beloved
America’s favorite orange-skinned reformed bachelor, Florida Governor Charlie Crist, is a pretty OK guy stuck with the unenviable task of governing a drooping land-phallus stuffed with meth fiends, unemployed real estate agents, and
Yay, it’s
Good news: Everyone gets a gun!
Finding yourself inconvenienced by wrathful acts of God, the federal government and poverty? What you need is a nice, warm Uzi. And what luck! House Republicans have just approved a bill which limits The Man’s right to sue honest, hard-working gun manufacturers. Hey, they’re your last line of defense between death by drowning, and death by hollow point-induced hemorraghing.