Tag Archives: secession

  Words is hard

Maine Gov. Paul LePage Is A Idiot What Don’t Write Good

I know you is but what are I?
The Republican governor of Maine is a real genius, and by genius, we are being sarcastic as hell, because the dude is a total moron. But he’s not just a moron; Gov. Paul LePage is also a terrible person, with a sac of gonorrheal discharge where his heart should be. He is always seeking new and creative ways to fuck the poors — whether it’s trying to prevent cities from increasing their minimum wages, drug-testing recipients of government assistance, or just yelling at them to “get off the couch and get yourself a job!” Read more on Maine Gov. Paul LePage Is A Idiot What Don’t Write Good…
  the commentczar's in town

Deleted Comments Of The Week: Was It Over When The Jews Bombed Pearl Harbor?

Hey, Kids, hope you enjoyed both your Fourth of July and your Independence Day, seeing as how this was one of those years where they fall on the same day. Yr Wonkette had a nice day off and hardly blowed up anything at all that didn’t need ‘splodin’. And speaking of “highly Flammable,” we have for you a fine collection of deleted dumbth, starting with some thoughts from a “Dr. Lopez,” who we regret did not specify what his doctorate was in. Dr Lopez was not especially pleased with our piece on the Texas attorney general who issued an amazing public meltdown in the form of a press release following the Supreme Court’s gay marriage ruling. And Dr. Lopez had some thoughts about just what a Big Dummy our Evan Hurst must be — don’t be fooled by his flattery at the beginning! As always, punctuation and spelling are verbatim from original. Read more on Deleted Comments Of The Week: Was It Over When The Jews Bombed Pearl Harbor?…
  how to secede without really trying

Texas Separatists Find New Freedom-Loving President: Vladimir Putin

And don't let Oklahoma hit your ass on the way out
Turns out there’s a heck of a lot of support for Texas secession. Not so much in Texas — where, despite all Rick Perry’s talk of skedaddling, only about 18 percent of residents wanted to secede in 2009 — but in Russia, where there’s at least a lot of rhetorical support for Texas’s becoming America’s first Breakaway Republic. You sort of have to read Casey Michel’s wonderfully weird piece in Politico Magazine to believe it. Read more on Texas Separatists Find New Freedom-Loving President: Vladimir Putin…
  Drink Too Much And Laugh Too Loud

Confederate Flag Suddenly More Hated Than Donald Trump, Pubic Lice

Don't know our ass from a hole in the ground
So how about that Confederate flag? Now that it has a negative association for the first time ever, seems like everybody has decided to jump off the Confederate bandwagon, except of course for the diehard morons, of whom there are quite a few. Within hours of Gov. Nikki Haley’s call to remove the Confederate flag from the South Carolina Statehouse, a whole bunch of other Republicans suddenly realized they had permission to get rid of the goddamned thing, too. Mitt Romney actually did something good in his life! The next domino fell Monday night, when Mississippi’s Speaker of the House of Representatives, Philip Gunn, said it was time to remove the Confederate flag emblem from the state’s flag, too. Read more on Confederate Flag Suddenly More Hated Than Donald Trump, Pubic Lice…
  We Talk Real Funny Down Here

Walmart Wonders Where It Got All This Confederate Flag Merch

You can tell from the pixels
Suddenly the Confederate flag has become a bad thing, maybe, or at least a “controversial” one. Just one week ago, it was all about “Heritage Not Hate,” but as of Monday afternoon, it’s officially Problematic, because somebody just discovered that — are you sitting down? — some people have adopted it to promote hatred. Astonishing! South Carolina Gov. Nikki Haley learned that it was seen that way, and called for the flag to be removed from the state capitol, even though it was just fine last fall. And now, America’s greatest arbiter of taste, Walmart, has announced that it is shocked, shocked! to learn it has been selling items with the Confederate flag on them, and by golly, it’s going to stop selling them. Read more on Walmart Wonders Where It Got All This Confederate Flag Merch…
  Last Night I saw Lester Maddox On The TV

Fired White Supremacist Cop Seeks Confederate Support (U.S. Currency Only)

May not be negotiable outside LOS meetings
Last week we brought you the story of two cops in Anniston, Alabama, who lost their jobs with the police force because of their involvement with the racist neo-Confederate group the League of the South. One, Lt. Wayne Brown, resigned, and the other, Lt. Josh Doggrell, was fired. Now poor Josh Dogrell, clearly the victim of Political Correctness and anti-white hatred, is begging fellow bigots to give him money so he can sue — or at least have some bigot money. Read more on Fired White Supremacist Cop Seeks Confederate Support (U.S. Currency Only)…
  Southern Man Better Keep Your Head

Alabama Cops Suspended Just For Being In Neo-Confederate Hate Group. How Is That Fair? (UPDATED)

Thank goodness racism is over
[Update: There have been new developments; please see end of post] Oh, look, it’s more Not Racial Transcendence, in a story that might have been huge if it hadn’t been overshadowed by Wednesday’s massacre in Charleston. Two cops in Anniston, Alabama, have been suspended after being outed as members of the neo-Confederate hate group the League of the South. The Southern Poverty Law Center’s Hatewatch blog identified Lt. Josh Doggrell and Lt. Wayne Brown as members of the white secessionist group Wednesday, and the city wasted little time in getting them off the street and putting them on administrative leave Wednesday afternoon. Not that there’s anything racist about the League of the South — they only want a white homeland, and while they don’t necessarily hate blacks, they don’t consider them actual Southerners. Read more on Alabama Cops Suspended Just For Being In Neo-Confederate Hate Group. How Is That Fair? (UPDATED)…
  It's gold Jerry GOLD!

Texas To Build Very Own Gold Stash Inside Giant 20-Acre Mattress

And Glenn Beck isn't even governor!
Texas is pretty busy checking off items on its rightwing-obsession bucket list. It’s got open carry for handguns, voter ID to keep the Wrong People from voting, it’s aggressively not regulating chemical plants, and since you never know when the impending collapse of America is coming, it wants to pump up all the oil right away. Now, to keep some segment of the Glenn Beck crowd happy, Texas is building its very own gold depository so the state will be safe when the rest of “America’s” economy goes belly-up. We imagine the state is also getting ready to start hoarding canned food and building a bunker, too. OK, more bunkers. Read more on Texas To Build Very Own Gold Stash Inside Giant 20-Acre Mattress…
  Moron Labe

Tyrannical Texas Government Raids Meeting Of Secessionists, Unfair To Secessionists!

Oooh, I hates tyranny, and I hates jackboots, and I hates gubmint!
Meet Pastor John Jarnecke, a self-styled “Texian” who runs a secessionist group called the Republic of Texas. It’s not a violent group — think of it like a Model UN, only with more Type II diabetes. It’s fun, they have presidential elections and everything! Also, Tammy’s mom brings Rice Krispie squares every Thursday. Read more on Tyrannical Texas Government Raids Meeting Of Secessionists, Unfair To Secessionists!…
  All's Well That's An Oil Well

Texas Loves ‘Local Control’ Until City Votes To Ban Fracking

Toxic sludge: It's what's for dinner!
This story supported by a grant from the Patty Dumpling Endowed Chair for Oil Spills, Fracking, and Astroturfing. As we all know, there’s nothing more sacred to small-government conservatives than the idea of local control. It’s why Common Core is evil, and so is anything else that’s done at a national level. States rights! Let people vote for themselves whether the gheys in their cities or states can get married or blacks can vote! If you take the principle far enough you get the sovereign citizens, those great patriots who love the American ideal of freedom so much that they pretend they don’t have to recognize the United States at all. It’s all about local sovereignty, except when it isn’t of course. And in Texas, they love the idea of local control so much that people think it’s just sensible to think about secession, and last year the state’s oil and gas regulator — weirdly enough, the office is called the “Railroad Commissioner” — promised to hurry up and extract all the oil and gas from the state just to be ready for the End Times. Read more on Texas Loves ‘Local Control’ Until City Votes To Ban Fracking…
  These Textbooks Sound Awfully Familiar

New Texas Schoolbooks: Moses Wrote The Constitution For Slavery, Segregation

It is a right, actually. Not an excuse, however.
Well here’s a heck of a surprise! You may remember how Texas re-wrote its standards for history books back in 2010, to make sure that kids learned the important parts of history, like who Phyllis Schlafly is and how the Constitution was inspired by the Bible, while downplaying the importance of that nasty deist Thomas Jefferson. The standards adopted by the State Board of Education were so awful that the conservative Fordham Institute called them “a confusing, unteachable hodgepodge” and criticized the SBOE for its “blatant politicizing” of history — especially in its approach to the role of religion: Read more on New Texas Schoolbooks: Moses Wrote The Constitution For Slavery, Segregation…
  look away look away

Racist GOP County Council Candidate Can’t Understand Why Everyone Is So Mad At Him For Singing “Dixie”

A few months ago, we introduced you to the glory that is Michael Peroutka, a complete and utter wingnut who is now the GOP candidate for a county council seat in the delightfully named Anne Arundel County, Maryland. Michael likes long walks on the beach, cuddling, and spewing insane nonsense about how evolution is against the Constitution or is treason or something. He is also a stone cold racist, duh, so much so that he sang “Dixie” at the 2012 national conference for the League of the South. Seriously, nothing says “I am a huge racist” like singing the Confederate anthem to a secessionist hate group. Oh, and calling “Dixie” the National Anthem also too. Let’s not forget that part. Read more on Racist GOP County Council Candidate Can’t Understand Why Everyone Is So Mad At Him For Singing “Dixie”…
  not just whistling

Secessionist Maryland GOP Candidate Remembers The Good Old ‘Dixie’ Days

The secret of his secession
Here’s Mike Peroutka, a great Constitutional Scholar who knows that the key to understanding our founding document is to read the Bible. He’s also a member of the neo-Confederate League of the South, an advocate of secession, and the Republican nominee for Anne Arundel County Council in Maryland. And he loves his country, although we aren’t entirely sure what country that is. You see, following a speech he gave at the 2012 League of the South national conference in Alabama, he was recorded asking the audience to stand up and sing the “National Anthem” — and then he launched into a round of “Dixie,” with the audience enthusiastically singing along: Read more on Secessionist Maryland GOP Candidate Remembers The Good Old ‘Dixie’ Days…
  the secret of my secession

Wisconsin Republicans Will Vote On The State Maybe Seceding, Because They Love America

Wisconsin tabaggers don’t want to alarm anyone, they just believe in being prepared, is all, which is why they want the state to be ready to secede from the union. Not that they think they’ll really need to. So when the state’s Republican convention rolls around in May, there will be a resolution on the agenda to consider whether the state GOP “supports legislation that upholds Wisconsin’s right, under extreme circumstances, to secede.” But don’t worry, they’re not going to secede unless they really, really have to, and the proposal is not supported by Gov. Scott Walker. Still, there were enough maybe-secessionists on the Resolutions Committee to adopt the question on a split vote in an April 5 meeting. Honestly, it’s not that big a deal, just one more option they want to have; besides, presumably, even if the state doesn’t secede, there’s still the option of Second Amendment solutions — again, only if necessary, like if the Bureau of Land Management tries to collect grazing fees. Read more on Wisconsin Republicans Will Vote On The State Maybe Seceding, Because They Love America…
  californias here we come

Why Not Six Californias, For Freedom, Laughs?

According to a report by a state legislative analyst, it would be feasible to split California into six smaller states, although the process would be complicated. The news was reportedly received with great excitement by supporters of a proposed “Six Californias” amendment — and there is at least one supporter, a “multimillionaire Silicon Valley venture capitalist” named Tim Draper, who said in an email after the report’s release, “It is obvious that we need a breath of fresh air in California government, and creating six new states allows the refresh we need … California, as it is, is ungovernable. We need our state governments to be local to us.” It’s so inspiring to know that one wealthy douchebag with a pet project that seems doomed to irrelevance can nonetheless move his idea far enough to get the state to spend money on researching it. Seems like an excellent use of state funds in pursuit of a small-government agenda. Read more on Why Not Six Californias, For Freedom, Laughs?…
  minnetonka sewer commission race too close to call

Your Off-Off-Year Election Rounderp: All The Results You Already Know, Plus Weird Stuff

Election 2013 is all over but the shouting, which is mostly Chris Christie’s job anyway, so let’s review: New Jersey: Christie reelected, and a bunch of other people won elections, too. Have you heard of any of them? Neither have we. Should we care? We have a nagging feeling that we probably should. Virginia: Not sure we can say the good guys won, but the terrible guys lost, hooray! New York City: Bill DeBlasio wins Mayor, possibly because novelist Jonathan Franzen voted for him. (Really, WSJ? You led with that?) Detroit: White dude wins job with no power; Sean Hannity will find a way to make that Obama’s fault. Boise: Bond elections fail, fire department will not build new training facility. Read more on Your Off-Off-Year Election Rounderp: All The Results You Already Know, Plus Weird Stuff…