Tag Archives: secession

  how to secede without really trying

Texas Separatists Find New Freedom-Loving President: Vladimir Putin

And don't let Oklahoma hit your ass on the way out
Turns out there’s a heck of a lot of support for Texas secession. Not so much in Texas — where, despite all Rick Perry’s talk of skedaddling, only about 18 percent of residents wanted to secede in 2009 — but in Russia, where there’s at least a lot of rhetorical support for Texas’s becoming America’s first Breakaway Republic. You sort of have to read Casey Michel’s wonderfully weird piece in Politico Magazine to believe it. Read more on Texas Separatists Find New Freedom-Loving President: Vladimir Putin…
  Drink Too Much And Laugh Too Loud

Confederate Flag Suddenly More Hated Than Donald Trump, Pubic Lice

Don't know our ass from a hole in the ground
So how about that Confederate flag? Now that it has a negative association for the first time ever, seems like everybody has decided to jump off the Confederate bandwagon, except of course for the diehard morons, of whom there are quite a few. Within hours of Gov. Nikki Haley’s call to remove the Confederate flag from the South Carolina Statehouse, a whole bunch of other Republicans suddenly realized they had permission to get rid of the goddamned thing, too. Mitt Romney actually did something good in his life! The next domino fell Monday night, when Mississippi’s Speaker of the House of Representatives, Philip Gunn, said it was time to remove the Confederate flag emblem from the state’s flag, too. Read more on Confederate Flag Suddenly More Hated Than Donald Trump, Pubic Lice…
  We Talk Real Funny Down Here

Walmart Wonders Where It Got All This Confederate Flag Merch

You can tell from the pixels
Suddenly the Confederate flag has become a bad thing, maybe, or at least a “controversial” one. Just one week ago, it was all about “Heritage Not Hate,” but as of Monday afternoon, it’s officially Problematic, because somebody just discovered that — are you sitting down? — some people have adopted it to promote hatred. Astonishing! South Carolina Gov. Nikki Haley learned that it was seen that way, and called for the flag to be removed from the state capitol, even though it was just fine last fall. And now, America’s greatest arbiter of taste, Walmart, has announced that it is shocked, shocked! to learn it has been selling items with the Confederate flag on them, and by golly, it’s going to stop selling them. Read more on Walmart Wonders Where It Got All This Confederate Flag Merch…
  Last Night I saw Lester Maddox On The TV

Fired White Supremacist Cop Seeks Confederate Support (U.S. Currency Only)

May not be negotiable outside LOS meetings
Last week we brought you the story of two cops in Anniston, Alabama, who lost their jobs with the police force because of their involvement with the racist neo-Confederate group the League of the South. One, Lt. Wayne Brown, resigned, and the other, Lt. Josh Doggrell, was fired. Now poor Josh Dogrell, clearly the victim of Political Correctness and anti-white hatred, is begging fellow bigots to give him money so he can sue — or at least have some bigot money. Read more on Fired White Supremacist Cop Seeks Confederate Support (U.S. Currency Only)…
  Southern Man Better Keep Your Head

Alabama Cops Suspended Just For Being In Neo-Confederate Hate Group. How Is That Fair? (UPDATED)

Thank goodness racism is over
[Update: There have been new developments; please see end of post] Oh, look, it’s more Not Racial Transcendence, in a story that might have been huge if it hadn’t been overshadowed by Wednesday’s massacre in Charleston. Two cops in Anniston, Alabama, have been suspended after being outed as members of the neo-Confederate hate group the League of the South. The Southern Poverty Law Center’s Hatewatch blog identified Lt. Josh Doggrell and Lt. Wayne Brown as members of the white secessionist group Wednesday, and the city wasted little time in getting them off the street and putting them on administrative leave Wednesday afternoon. Not that there’s anything racist about the League of the South — they only want a white homeland, and while they don’t necessarily hate blacks, they don’t consider them actual Southerners. Read more on Alabama Cops Suspended Just For Being In Neo-Confederate Hate Group. How Is That Fair? (UPDATED)…
  It's gold Jerry GOLD!

Texas To Build Very Own Gold Stash Inside Giant 20-Acre Mattress

And Glenn Beck isn't even governor!
Texas is pretty busy checking off items on its rightwing-obsession bucket list. It’s got open carry for handguns, voter ID to keep the Wrong People from voting, it’s aggressively not regulating chemical plants, and since you never know when the impending collapse of America is coming, it wants to pump up all the oil right away. Now, to keep some segment of the Glenn Beck crowd happy, Texas is building its very own gold depository so the state will be safe when the rest of “America’s” economy goes belly-up. We imagine the state is also getting ready to start hoarding canned food and building a bunker, too. OK, more bunkers. Read more on Texas To Build Very Own Gold Stash Inside Giant 20-Acre Mattress…
  Moron Labe

Tyrannical Texas Government Raids Meeting Of Secessionists, Unfair To Secessionists!

Oooh, I hates tyranny, and I hates jackboots, and I hates gubmint!
Meet Pastor John Jarnecke, a self-styled “Texian” who runs a secessionist group called the Republic of Texas. It’s not a violent group — think of it like a Model UN, only with more Type II diabetes. It’s fun, they have presidential elections and everything! Also, Tammy’s mom brings Rice Krispie squares every Thursday. Read more on Tyrannical Texas Government Raids Meeting Of Secessionists, Unfair To Secessionists!…
  All's Well That's An Oil Well

Texas Loves ‘Local Control’ Until City Votes To Ban Fracking

Toxic sludge: It's what's for dinner!
This story supported by a grant from the Patty Dumpling Endowed Chair for Oil Spills, Fracking, and Astroturfing. As we all know, there’s nothing more sacred to small-government conservatives than the idea of local control. It’s why Common Core is evil, and so is anything else that’s done at a national level. States rights! Let people vote for themselves whether the gheys in their cities or states can get married or blacks can vote! If you take the principle far enough you get the sovereign citizens, those great patriots who love the American ideal of freedom so much that they pretend they don’t have to recognize the United States at all. It’s all about local sovereignty, except when it isn’t of course. And in Texas, they love the idea of local control so much that people think it’s just sensible to think about secession, and last year the state’s oil and gas regulator — weirdly enough, the office is called the “Railroad Commissioner” — promised to hurry up and extract all the oil and gas from the state just to be ready for the End Times. Read more on Texas Loves ‘Local Control’ Until City Votes To Ban Fracking…
  These Textbooks Sound Awfully Familiar

New Texas Schoolbooks: Moses Wrote The Constitution For Slavery, Segregation

It is a right, actually. Not an excuse, however.
Well here’s a heck of a surprise! You may remember how Texas re-wrote its standards for history books back in 2010, to make sure that kids learned the important parts of history, like who Phyllis Schlafly is and how the Constitution was inspired by the Bible, while downplaying the importance of that nasty deist Thomas Jefferson. The standards adopted by the State Board of Education were so awful that the conservative Fordham Institute called them “a confusing, unteachable hodgepodge” and criticized the SBOE for its “blatant politicizing” of history — especially in its approach to the role of religion: Read more on New Texas Schoolbooks: Moses Wrote The Constitution For Slavery, Segregation…
  look away look away

Racist GOP County Council Candidate Can’t Understand Why Everyone Is So Mad At Him For Singing “Dixie”

A few months ago, we introduced you to the glory that is Michael Peroutka, a complete and utter wingnut who is now the GOP candidate for a county council seat in the delightfully named Anne Arundel County, Maryland. Michael likes long walks on the beach, cuddling, and spewing insane nonsense about how evolution is against the Constitution or is treason or something. He is also a stone cold racist, duh, so much so that he sang “Dixie” at the 2012 national conference for the League of the South. Seriously, nothing says “I am a huge racist” like singing the Confederate anthem to a secessionist hate group. Oh, and calling “Dixie” the National Anthem also too. Let’s not forget that part. Read more on Racist GOP County Council Candidate Can’t Understand Why Everyone Is So Mad At Him For Singing “Dixie”…
  not just whistling

Secessionist Maryland GOP Candidate Remembers The Good Old ‘Dixie’ Days

The secret of his secession
Here’s Mike Peroutka, a great Constitutional Scholar who knows that the key to understanding our founding document is to read the Bible. He’s also a member of the neo-Confederate League of the South, an advocate of secession, and the Republican nominee for Anne Arundel County Council in Maryland. And he loves his country, although we aren’t entirely sure what country that is. You see, following a speech he gave at the 2012 League of the South national conference in Alabama, he was recorded asking the audience to stand up and sing the “National Anthem” — and then he launched into a round of “Dixie,” with the audience enthusiastically singing along: Read more on Secessionist Maryland GOP Candidate Remembers The Good Old ‘Dixie’ Days…
  the secret of my secession

Wisconsin Republicans Will Vote On The State Maybe Seceding, Because They Love America

Wisconsin tabaggers don’t want to alarm anyone, they just believe in being prepared, is all, which is why they want the state to be ready to secede from the union. Not that they think they’ll really need to. So when the state’s Republican convention rolls around in May, there will be a resolution on the agenda to consider whether the state GOP “supports legislation that upholds Wisconsin’s right, under extreme circumstances, to secede.” But don’t worry, they’re not going to secede unless they really, really have to, and the proposal is not supported by Gov. Scott Walker. Still, there were enough maybe-secessionists on the Resolutions Committee to adopt the question on a split vote in an April 5 meeting. Honestly, it’s not that big a deal, just one more option they want to have; besides, presumably, even if the state doesn’t secede, there’s still the option of Second Amendment solutions — again, only if necessary, like if the Bureau of Land Management tries to collect grazing fees. Read more on Wisconsin Republicans Will Vote On The State Maybe Seceding, Because They Love America…
  californias here we come

Why Not Six Californias, For Freedom, Laughs?

According to a report by a state legislative analyst, it would be feasible to split California into six smaller states, although the process would be complicated. The news was reportedly received with great excitement by supporters of a proposed “Six Californias” amendment — and there is at least one supporter, a “multimillionaire Silicon Valley venture capitalist” named Tim Draper, who said in an email after the report’s release, “It is obvious that we need a breath of fresh air in California government, and creating six new states allows the refresh we need … California, as it is, is ungovernable. We need our state governments to be local to us.” It’s so inspiring to know that one wealthy douchebag with a pet project that seems doomed to irrelevance can nonetheless move his idea far enough to get the state to spend money on researching it. Seems like an excellent use of state funds in pursuit of a small-government agenda. Read more on Why Not Six Californias, For Freedom, Laughs?…
  minnetonka sewer commission race too close to call

Your Off-Off-Year Election Rounderp: All The Results You Already Know, Plus Weird Stuff

Election 2013 is all over but the shouting, which is mostly Chris Christie’s job anyway, so let’s review: New Jersey: Christie reelected, and a bunch of other people won elections, too. Have you heard of any of them? Neither have we. Should we care? We have a nagging feeling that we probably should. Virginia: Not sure we can say the good guys won, but the terrible guys lost, hooray! New York City: Bill DeBlasio wins Mayor, possibly because novelist Jonathan Franzen voted for him. (Really, WSJ? You led with that?) Detroit: White dude wins job with no power; Sean Hannity will find a way to make that Obama’s fault. Boise: Bond elections fail, fire department will not build new training facility. Read more on Your Off-Off-Year Election Rounderp: All The Results You Already Know, Plus Weird Stuff…
  the secret of my secession

Mississippi Senate Candidate Just Can’t Quit All These Neo-Confederates

Chris McDaniel is just a good ol’ Constitutional Conservative who has addressed a conference held by a neo-Confederate group that thinks secession would be a nifty idea. McDaniel, a state senator who’s pursuing a primary challenge to incumbent Sen. Thad Cochran, was prominently featured in last weekend’s New York Times story on the “GOP Civil War,” which didn’t mention his palling around with people who think the wrong side lost the actual Civil War. Cochran is now apparently some kind of liberal because he voted to keep the government running; McDaniel is looking forward to making that vote a central talking point against Cochran. True patriots don’t want a functioning federal government, after all. Read more on Mississippi Senate Candidate Just Can’t Quit All These Neo-Confederates…
  The Purple Prose of Texas

Texas Lt Gov Candidate Rejects Secession. Instead, Let’s Kick Out All The Liberal States.

You have to admire the creative thinking of Texas candidate for Lieutenant Governor Jerry Patterson. He doesn’t want Texas to secede from the United States; that’d be dumb. He loves Real America. Instead, how about we get rid of the states what Hate America? “I get lots of questions all the time, ‘Well, we should secede.’ I say, ‘No, I’ve got a better idea. Instead of secession, I’m a proponent of expulsion,’” he told the AP. “I want to kick about four states out of this union.” Specifically, that would be California, New York, Massachusetts and Connecticut, because who needs their liberalism and whatever piddling contribution to the GDP they represent? Also, we were not aware that this is the sort of thing that the Texas lieutenant governor has a say in, but apparently the way you become Texas’s Second Lady is to tell people about how you’d tackle stuff that the job has nothing to do with, like impeaching the Preznit. Read more on Texas Lt Gov Candidate Rejects Secession. Instead, Let’s Kick Out All The Liberal States….
  how to secede without really trying

League Of The South President Not Worried That Blacks Might Oppose Secession, Since They Won’t Be Allowed To Vote Anyway

Well it seems that our old frenemies in the neo-Confederate League of the South had their big protest to save Southern womanhood from immigrant blackamoors or whatever a week or so back — not surprisingly, it drew more counter-protesters than participants.* But they’re still looking forward to the inevitable success of their Lost Cause, because, you see, the Federal Gummint is proving that so-called constitutional democracy just plain doesn’t work. Heck, as League president Michael Hill tweeted just as the Great Big Government Shutdown was coming to an end, “If the Constitution could ‘save America,’ it would have done so long ago. Get real.” Excellent call, Mr. Hill! And he knows just the right approach to fix things: Southern secession, and going “back to the Articles of Confederation.” You know it’s a great way to run a government, because just look at the name, it has “Confederate” right in it! And now that America is clearly falling apart, it’s a terrific time to be a secessionist. Read more on League Of The South President Not Worried That Blacks Might Oppose Secession, Since They Won’t Be Allowed To Vote Anyway…
  the south's gonna write again

Sundays With The Christianists: Letters To Yr Humble Editor, Confederate Flag Envelope Edition

This week, a Very Special Episode of Sundays With the Christianists, with some special comments from admirers of this feature. Actually, we’re somewhat surprised that, in the year and some weeks we’ve been at this, we haven’t gotten more negative feedback — we appear not to have attracted the attention of the Jesusphere so far, which is occasionally a little disappointing. We’ll just have to try harder/more blasphemous-er. On the other hand, our recent posts on how Christian textbooks cover the Civil War have generated a couple of unhappy comments, which we’re delighted to share with you today. Our first comment comes from “Rebelbill,” who went to the trouble of including a confederate flag avatar on his account, just so we’d have no doubts about where he stands. In reply to our September 1 post, Rebelbill writes: I’ve never heard such a brainwashed crew of cultural marxists. Southern states had the Constitutional right to secede. Lincoln promised the South that he would enshrine slavery forever. No deal. Oh, this should be fun. Read more on Sundays With The Christianists: Letters To Yr Humble Editor, Confederate Flag Envelope Edition…
  don't help because he's not acually being oppressed

Secession Is The New Orange, Which Is The New Black: Maryland Edition

Man, what is it with Republicans whining about not getting everything they want, up to and including a pony for their birthday and a tiara? It’s like the party has been taken over by a bunch of 4-year-olds who insist their tantrums be taken as serious arguments. Who are the latest group of pouty monkey-howlers? Take it away, Washington Post: [A] 49-year-old information technology consultant wants to apply the knife to Maryland’s five western counties. “The people are the sovereign,” says Scott Strzelczyk, leader of the fledgling Western Maryland Initiative, and the western sovereigns are fed up with Annapolis’s liberal majority, elected by the state’s other sovereigns. First off, props to the Post for the nice “state’s other sovereigns.” That was a nice bit of snark. Anyway, yet another group of rural Republicans are sick and tired of their liberty being infringed upon by… well, fellow citizens who vote in democratic elections for folks who then pass laws through an open and transparent process. Clearly, this is the height of TYRANNY!  Read more on Secession Is The New Orange, Which Is The New Black: Maryland Edition…
  sisks to be you

Sure, Might As Well Give Two U.S. Senators To Northern California County Too

The Siskiyou County Board of Supervisors voted 4-1 Tuesday to secede from California and to form a new state that would be called “Jefferson.” This is totally a thing that is going to happen, just like “Northern Colorado,” because Freedom and also tyrannical liberal elites in Sacramento and SoCal, and once they get some other counties in NorCal and Oregon to join them, there will be a Liberty Jubilee and maybe a hoedown, too. The Eureka Times-Standard reports, More than 100 people packed the supervisors’ chambers Tuesday for the discussion on whether the county should issue a declaration that it wants to secede from the state. Nearly all those in attendance appeared to be for the move and about a dozen spoke in support of it. “Many proposed laws are unconstitutional and deny us our God-given rights,” said Gabe Garrison of Happy Camp. “We need our own state so we can make laws that fit our way of life.” We would suggest that the first item on the agenda be a name change for that town, amirite? Read more on Sure, Might As Well Give Two U.S. Senators To Northern California County Too…
  fiddling while ken burns

Sundays With The Christianists: American History Textbooks For Homeschoolers In A House Divided

Break out the daguerreotypes and crank up the “Ashokan Farewell” (yes, we know it’s from 1982), because it’s time for some more Civil War in our Christian homeschooling textbooks. First off, a correction: Last week, we said that our 8th-grade text from A Beka, America: Land I Love, didn’t say anything about the causes of the Civil War. This is inaccurate! We simply missed the entire third of a page it devotes to the topic, because it comes at the end of the section, just before it jumps into Reconstruction. And where our other textbook, the 11th/12-grade United States History for Christian Schools (Bob Jones University Press), identified the central issue of the war as the question of whether “states that voluntarily joined the Union by ratifying the Constitution [could] voluntarily leave the Union,” Land I Love takes a broader view: While Southerners were outraged by what they considered an abuse of their states’ rights, many Northerners were grieved and angered by the practice of human bondage in their land. Thus both sides fought for values they held dear — the North for national unity and freedom for all men, and the South for states’ rights and the defense of their homes and families. And that’s about all the analysis the authors figure an eighth-grader can handle. On the other hand, they provide a full page on “Robert E. Lee: Great Christian General.” For this age group, you really have to emphasize the important factual stuff. Read more on Sundays With The Christianists: American History Textbooks For Homeschoolers In A House Divided…
  the south will writhe again

Sundays With The Christianists: American History Textbooks For Confederate Homeschoolers

Before we get started, a note on a personal milestone: Last week marked the one-year anniversary of this feature, which began with a look at an American Literature book for Christian students, where we learned that Mark Twain rebelled against God’s authority. Based on the amount of derp being thrown at the homeschooling market, we don’t expect to run out of material anytime soon. This week, the Civil War. And both of our textbooks actually do call it that, which is something of a relief (although our 11th/12th-grade text from Bob Jones University Press, United States History for Christian Schools (2001), uses the chapter heading “War Between the States.”) And neither textbook explicitly plays the “It wasn’t really about slavery at all” card, although they leave plenty of room for instructors to do so. Somewhat surprisingly, our 8th-grade America: Land I Love (A Beka Book, 1994), which usually does the most editorializing, is fairly quiet on the “why” of the Civil War, instead presenting a chronology of the events and debates leading up to the war, but leaving analysis up to the teachers or parents using the book. Read more on Sundays With The Christianists: American History Textbooks For Confederate Homeschoolers…