Tag Archives: scott brown

  rap battles

Who Will Be California’s Next Barbara Boxer? (Hint: It Is Probably Scott Brown)

Breaking political news to grandchildren is the pits
Well, it had to happen sometime, and apparently that “sometime” is 2016, because Barbara Boxer, one of the best liberals to ever lib up the Senate chamber with her San Francisco valyews, has announced to her grandson on video that she will not be seeking re-election in 2016, citing her desire to spend more time with her California. Is she RETIRING, though? Golly gee no, because there are still many, many things to be done. We are not certain whether she intended to release this announcement, or whether her grandson set this video to “public” on accident, but it’s out there now, can’t go back! Let’s watch it. I’ll live-blog, you laugh, got it? Me type words, you react in jolly manner. Let’s go: Read more on Who Will Be California’s Next Barbara Boxer? (Hint: It Is Probably Scott Brown)…
  Best damn Elizabeth Warren ever

Elizabeth Warren Is Our 2014 Legislative Badass Of The Year, Obviously Duh

How much do we heart the senator and perfessor of Massachusetts, the greatest and bestest Elizabeth Warren who ever Elizabeth Warrened? Pretty much all. Sure, there are a few — a very few — non-Elizabeth Warrens in the Senate who aren’t too bad for being non-Elizabeth Warrens. Bernie Sanders, the socialist senator from Vermont, isn’t too bad at badassing and makes a mighty fine runner-up for 2014 Legislative Badass. Read more on Elizabeth Warren Is Our 2014 Legislative Badass Of The Year, Obviously Duh…
  not quite a thousand points of light

Wonkette Lifeboat: Your Hope-Enabling Election Results

Wednesday was one long day of avoiding the news, Wonketteers, and we understand if you’ve been busy numbing your pain by shopping for shoes or guzzling dark-colored liquors, but we would be remiss if we didn’t draw your attention to a few distant bits of flickering light, barely visible through the haze of unregulated coal emissions and hog farm waste pond fumes. In our wanderings in the ruins of this week’s election results, we have found a few things intact to help you remember that you can and will feel Hope again. Scott Brown, Non-Senator, Will Be Forever Haunted By The Great Pumpkin Riot We had Fox News on here in the Washington Bureau on Election Night, so it took them a couple extra hours, but eventually even they called the New Hampshire Senate race for Jeanne Shaheen. Four percent isn’t an insurmountable margin, so Scott Brown’s got to be asking himself: what else could I have done? More donuts for the volunteers? Bigger lawn signs for the people who didn’t want to do anything useful? Another sixer downed with the tailgaters? Let us help you out there, Scott. We can tell you exactly where you went wrong. In Keene, New Hampshire, 10 days before the election, you had an opportunity to bravely lead when drunk pumpkin mobs ran wild, menacing the tax-paying residents of Keene all around the Pumpkin Festival where you were electioneering. You could have climbed on an overturned car to address the crowd as a statesman who also speaks fluent Bro and convinced the hooligans to take their beers and go back to Chad’s porch and have a good time instead of throwing skateboards at the cops. You could have been a hero, but instead you tucked your pumpkin under your arm and ran. The people of New Hampshire need a senator who will wade into the fray to protect the community and isn’t just out to save his own gourd. Minimum Wage Workers In Four States Will Get A Raise They Will Probably Blow On Food, Rent (Sorry, Illinois) Minimum wage increases were passed by popular vote in Alaska, Arkansas, Nebraska, and South Dakota, enjoying margins that any political party would kill for. After years of talk from national Republicans, including wannabe presidents, about doing away with the minimum wage, voters came together across party lines to say that people who get paid less than anyone else deserve a raise. Voters in Illinois tried to do the same, overwhelmingly endorsing a non-binding resolution to increase their minimum wage. To go into effect, it will require the passage of legislation complete with signature from the state’s brand new Republican “CEO” governor, so we’ll be watching for that to never happen for the next four years. Two States and One “State” Freed the Weed (Sorry, Florida) Despite a strong showing in Florida, medical marijuana came up just short of passage: as a constitutional amendment, it needed 60 percent and got 58, close enough to suggest that advocates will be back. Florida should try to take inspiration from Oregon, where voters managed to legalize recreational marijuana on the second try with some minor tweaks, like a cap of eight ounces per person rather than no limit at all.  In Alaska, where the governor’s race is still too close to call at the time of this writing, voters approved a ballot question calling for a Marijuana Control Board to facilitate sales and regulation of pot by a comfortable 4 points. In Washington, DC, 69 percent of voters approved marijuana legalization, following ordinances passed in recent years by the mayor and city council to allow for medical marijuana and to decriminalize minor possession. If it was a state, the District would be a pothead’s paradise, but certain members of the House Republican Caucus have made it their business to derail DC laws they don’t agree with, including recent changes to marijuana policy. We’ve never met these congressmen, who find themselves to the right of Rand Paul on this issue, since the districts they were actually elected to represent are quite a distance from Washington. We’re looking forward to hearing these small-government conservatives argue in favor of federal intervention to nullify the actions of local government. Democrats Haven’t Lost A Senate Seat In Virginia Technically, Republican Ed Gillespie hasn’t lost either, since no winner has been declared yet. With 99.88 percent of precincts reporting on Wednesday evening, incumbent Democrat Mark Warner held a lead of seven-tenths of one percent, well outside of the margin where state law allows for a recount. Even if every single vote that remains uncounted goes in Gillespie’s favor, it won’t get him to the Recount Zone, so at this point we’re just waiting for the concession speech. (We predict a fiery performance that suddenly grabs the national spotlight and a swift appointment as Senior Fellow following a bidding war among the right-wing think tanks.) The recount lawyers for both parties in Virginia are expected to remain in their bio-pods, ready to be activated in a state that remains liable to break out in a recount at any moment. So don’t despair, Wonketteers — the world is not all darkness and doom. There are even some reasons to believe access to reproductive health care won’t be totally destroyed by our new Republican overlords. Voters in North Dakota and Colorado soundly rejected “personhood” measures to outlaw all abortion and many forms of birth control, so that’s good! Also, the Senate’s Jester-Elect Joni Ernst will personally provide you with free contraceptive measures, as long as you are a male pig. You can follow Beth on Twitter.  

Wonkette Live Blog III: And We Choked Their Rivers With Our Dead

Well! We are guessing if you are still with us, we don’t have to work too hard to get you up to speed. Things are a little bleak here in the Washington Bureau, where we are into our fifth hour of Fox News exposure. Come with us, Wonketteers, as we introduce you to the new world in front of you. Read more on Wonkette Live Blog III: And We Choked Their Rivers With Our Dead…
  hey everybody! we're all gonna get laid!

Scott Brown Down To Party, Get Elected Senator, Whatever, It’s Cool, Brah

Scott Brown is the bro-iest bro who ever bro-ed his way across multiple states in search of a Senate seat, and Benny Johnson, digital director at National Review whose job description also involves giving verbal handies to Scott Brown, has the scoop. Read more on Scott Brown Down To Party, Get Elected Senator, Whatever, It’s Cool, Brah…
  wave of mutilation

NH Republican Takes ‘Wave Election’ Metaphor A Bit Far, Wants To Drown Democrats

Metaphor? Why did you think Grover Norquist's 'government small enough to drown in a bathtub' was a metaphor?
Hey, remember that one time Barack Obama repeated a line from The Untouchables and wingnuts all freaked out about his violent thuggish rhetoric? In today’s Civility Update, we have real gem from New Hampshire GOP Chair Jennifer Horn, who got a Manchester audience fired up for Scott Brown with some particularly vivid rhetoric. It’s sort of half come-to-Jesus revival, half Al Capone giving a motivational speech with a baseball bat: Read more on NH Republican Takes ‘Wave Election’ Metaphor A Bit Far, Wants To Drown Democrats…
  Dumb and dumber

Ann Coulter Still Getting On TV Somehow

You almost (relax, we said almost) have to pity Ann Coulter, the once semi-relevant “author” and “columnist” whose brand was being The Hot Conservative Chick, with the long blonde hair and little black dresses — oh, and the obnoxious things she’s always willing to say to get her name in the paper. She used to have slightly more pull on the Wingnut Welfare Circuit, before the greatest lady grifter of all time snowdrifted down to the lower 48 to seize The Hot Conservative Chick crown with her Neiman Marcus wardrobe and her starburst-inspiring winking, pretty much permanently putting baby Ann in a corner. (Coulter’s various dalliances with voter fraud — actual voter fraud — certainly didn’t help her reputation.) Read more on Ann Coulter Still Getting On TV Somehow…
  It Could Happen

How Every Endangered Senate Democrat Will Win In November, Because Why Not

The first time I set eyes on Nate Silver, I just got that old-fashioned romantic feeling where I'd do anything to bone him.
It looks like Republicans are probably going to control the Senate next year despite how people don’t like them, according to Nate Silver’s FiveThirtyEight blog and other respected nerds. In 2012, Silver famously predicted the winner of every Senate race, which was an impressive achievement for him but so boring for us. It was like finding your Christmas/”holiday” presents early. You’ll go through the motions of unwrapping your Regrets Her Abortion Barbie and Nature Despoiled II: The Warmening For Sega SexBox, but there’s no climax. The moment is flaccid; that is to say, unsuited to penetrating intercourse, never mind entertainment. Read more on How Every Endangered Senate Democrat Will Win In November, Because Why Not…
  An Orgy Of White-On-Orange Violence

It’s The Great Pumpkin Riot, Scott Brown

Now that he’s running for Senate in New Hampshire, former Massachusetts Sen. Scott Brown is totally A Guy From New Hampshire who would never miss the New Hampshirest of all possible events, the Pumpkin Festival in Keene. Even though this folksy college town was a powder keg of white rage just waiting to explode into pumpkin-splattered violence. While Scott was connecting with law-abiding harvest revelers, mobs of angry white youth wreaked havoc just around the corner. Read more on It’s The Great Pumpkin Riot, Scott Brown…

Scott Brown: We Wouldn’t Have Ebola If Mitt Was President

Nope, wrong again
Roll your eyes with us, won’t you please, at the latest steaming pile of stupid from former Sen. Scott Brown (R-Whatever State Will Take Him): “Gosh can you imagine if Mitt was the president right now?” Brown said. “He was right on Russia, he was right on Obamacare, he was right on the economy. And I guarantee you we would not be worrying about Ebola right now and, you know, worrying about our foreign policy screw ups.” Gosh, Scott, we really can’t imagine that. Because Mitt can’t get himself elected president no matter how many time he tries. Hell, he can’t even get himself elected dogcatcher. In fact, he especially can’t get himself elected dogcatcher. Read more on Scott Brown: We Wouldn’t Have Ebola If Mitt Was President…
  Scott Brown will party SO hard for you New Hampshire

Scott Brown’s New Frat-Bro Dude Friends Have Such Nice Things To Say About Congressgirls!

Republican Scott Brown, the former senator from some dumb state that doesn’t matter because he’s always been a “phony from New Hampshire,” is a Very Serious Candidate. He only wants to talk about Very Serious Things. No matter how many times Democratic incumbent Sen. Jeanne “She’s So Mean” Shaheen tries to talk about issues that don’t matter — like Brown’s voting record and dumb chick stuff, which no one cares about, DUH — he is trying to focus on the things he is trying to focus on. When he was reminded again (so annoying!) that Shaheen has accused him of not actually being pro-choice because he is actually not pro-choice, despite his attempts to pretend that he is, Brown gave this Very Serious Response: Read more on Scott Brown’s New Frat-Bro Dude Friends Have Such Nice Things To Say About Congressgirls!…
  Here have some news n stuff

NFL Tried So Hard To Get That Video Of Ray Rice Beating His Lady, No Really (Not Really)

Too bad there's no video
The NFL is still trying to convince us that The Big Manly Powers That Be never would have defended Baltimore Ravens sportsball star Ray Rice after he knocked his woman OUT COLD in an elevator, if only they could have seen the video of him doing that. Not the abridged video that shows him dragging her unconscious body out of the elevator after the fact; that was inconclusive, and besides, everyone said they were sorry, so what more could anyone want? Read more on NFL Tried So Hard To Get That Video Of Ray Rice Beating His Lady, No Really (Not Really)…
  He is A Expert

Scott Brown Knows More About Lady Stuff Than Dumb Lady He’s Running Against

Scott Brown (R-Insert State Here)
Scott Brown, topless truck-driving Everyman who’s trying to unseat Democratic Sen. Jeanne Shaheen because she’s not as “virtually” from New Hampshire as he is, knows all about women. He has a wife — who is a woman! — and also too some daughters, and they are women too! (Sorry, fellas, they are no longer “both available,” though, as he successfully married off one of them this summer for seven oxen and a she-goat.) Read more on Scott Brown Knows More About Lady Stuff Than Dumb Lady He’s Running Against…
  Here have some news n stuff

Starbucks To Be Even More Triple Grande Nasty-atto Now

Image by Stuart Caie via Flickr As if Starbucks hasn’t already turned “coffee” — that beverage you pour into a mug in the morning, maybe add milk, maybe add sugar — into a joke so bad it hurts our feelings, now there’s a new not-coffee “coffee” drink on the way, for those of you who would mainline your sugar fix but are afraid of needles, we guess. It’s called the Dark Barrel Latte, and it sounds disgusting, and shame on all of you, you crazy kids with your crazy “coffee”: Read more on Starbucks To Be Even More Triple Grande Nasty-atto Now…
  Here have some news n stuff

NASA Found This Amazing Monster Black Hole Inside A Teeny Galaxy, No Big

Image Credit: NASA, ESA, STScI-RCC14-41a We have SCIENCE! that is so cool, we’re going to start with that today. (Look up. Look at the science. Isn’t it pretty?) We also have a Very Interesting Theory, a super absurd conspiracy theory, the future of travel, and a guy who races the subway … and wins. Read more on NASA Found This Amazing Monster Black Hole Inside A Teeny Galaxy, No Big…
  Primarily Boring

Scott Brown Drives His Man-Truck To Victory In Massachusetts Or Whatever: Your Final Primary Wrap-Up!

The nominee and his nipples
The last primaries of 2014 took place last night, and there’s a fun upset-not-upset in the mix! Up in the Commonwealth of Massachusetts (God Save It! © Charles P. Pierce), lantern-jawed newcomer Seth Moulton became the first Democrat in 22 years to unseat a sitting congressman in a primary, beating scandal-plagued John Tierney by eight whole points. Get us up to speed here, Boston Globe, because not all of us are hardy lobstermen living on Boston’s North Shore. Read more on Scott Brown Drives His Man-Truck To Victory In Massachusetts Or Whatever: Your Final Primary Wrap-Up!…
  But he's OUR phony

Scott Brown Has ALWAYS Been ‘A Phony From New Hampshire’

Sweet baby pink-swaddled Jesus, this has got to be the best worst introduction of a candidate you are supposedly supporting in the history of everything. Be right back, we have to go have these split sides stitched up. Read more on Scott Brown Has ALWAYS Been ‘A Phony From New Hampshire’…