Tag Archives: scott brown

  Bwahahahahahahaha

Scott Brown Senator Of Bike Shop Now, LOL

We missed you, Cosmo centerfold picture
Remember that loser Scott Brown? Man, we miss making fun of that guy — for being a Masshole, and then a “virtually born” there phony from New Hampshire, and also pimping his daughters, and partying with the pumpkin riot bros, and then hahahahahahaha getting his butt kicked by New Hampshire Lady Sen. Jeanne Shaheen, even though she’s just a dumb lady who doesn’t know what real people care about. (Not chick stuff. Obviously.) Read more on Scott Brown Senator Of Bike Shop Now, LOL…
  rap battles

Who Will Be California’s Next Barbara Boxer? (Hint: It Is Probably Scott Brown)

Breaking political news to grandchildren is the pits
Well, it had to happen sometime, and apparently that “sometime” is 2016, because Barbara Boxer, one of the best liberals to ever lib up the Senate chamber with her San Francisco valyews, has announced to her grandson on video that she will not be seeking re-election in 2016, citing her desire to spend more time with her California. Is she RETIRING, though? Golly gee no, because there are still many, many things to be done. We are not certain whether she intended to release this announcement, or whether her grandson set this video to “public” on accident, but it’s out there now, can’t go back! Let’s watch it. I’ll live-blog, you laugh, got it? Me type words, you react in jolly manner. Let’s go: Read more on Who Will Be California’s Next Barbara Boxer? (Hint: It Is Probably Scott Brown)…
  Best damn Elizabeth Warren ever

Elizabeth Warren Is Our 2014 Legislative Badass Of The Year, Obviously Duh

How much do we heart the senator and perfessor of Massachusetts, the greatest and bestest Elizabeth Warren who ever Elizabeth Warrened? Pretty much all. Sure, there are a few — a very few — non-Elizabeth Warrens in the Senate who aren’t too bad for being non-Elizabeth Warrens. Bernie Sanders, the socialist senator from Vermont, isn’t too bad at badassing and makes a mighty fine runner-up for 2014 Legislative Badass. Read more on Elizabeth Warren Is Our 2014 Legislative Badass Of The Year, Obviously Duh…
  MORE DOOOOOOM!

Wonkette Live Blog III: And We Choked Their Rivers With Our Dead

Well! We are guessing if you are still with us, we don’t have to work too hard to get you up to speed. Things are a little bleak here in the Washington Bureau, where we are into our fifth hour of Fox News exposure. Come with us, Wonketteers, as we introduce you to the new world in front of you. Read more on Wonkette Live Blog III: And We Choked Their Rivers With Our Dead…
  hey everybody! we're all gonna get laid!

Scott Brown Down To Party, Get Elected Senator, Whatever, It’s Cool, Brah

Scott Brown is the bro-iest bro who ever bro-ed his way across multiple states in search of a Senate seat, and Benny Johnson, digital director at National Review whose job description also involves giving verbal handies to Scott Brown, has the scoop. Read more on Scott Brown Down To Party, Get Elected Senator, Whatever, It’s Cool, Brah…
  wave of mutilation

NH Republican Takes ‘Wave Election’ Metaphor A Bit Far, Wants To Drown Democrats

Metaphor? Why did you think Grover Norquist's 'government small enough to drown in a bathtub' was a metaphor?
Hey, remember that one time Barack Obama repeated a line from The Untouchables and wingnuts all freaked out about his violent thuggish rhetoric? In today’s Civility Update, we have real gem from New Hampshire GOP Chair Jennifer Horn, who got a Manchester audience fired up for Scott Brown with some particularly vivid rhetoric. It’s sort of half come-to-Jesus revival, half Al Capone giving a motivational speech with a baseball bat: Read more on NH Republican Takes ‘Wave Election’ Metaphor A Bit Far, Wants To Drown Democrats…
  Dumb and dumber

Ann Coulter Still Getting On TV Somehow

S-M-R-T
You almost (relax, we said almost) have to pity Ann Coulter, the once semi-relevant “author” and “columnist” whose brand was being The Hot Conservative Chick, with the long blonde hair and little black dresses — oh, and the obnoxious things she’s always willing to say to get her name in the paper. She used to have slightly more pull on the Wingnut Welfare Circuit, before the greatest lady grifter of all time snowdrifted down to the lower 48 to seize The Hot Conservative Chick crown with her Neiman Marcus wardrobe and her starburst-inspiring winking, pretty much permanently putting baby Ann in a corner. (Coulter’s various dalliances with voter fraud — actual voter fraud — certainly didn’t help her reputation.) Read more on Ann Coulter Still Getting On TV Somehow…
  It Could Happen

How Every Endangered Senate Democrat Will Win In November, Because Why Not

The first time I set eyes on Nate Silver, I just got that old-fashioned romantic feeling where I'd do anything to bone him.
It looks like Republicans are probably going to control the Senate next year despite how people don’t like them, according to Nate Silver’s FiveThirtyEight blog and other respected nerds. In 2012, Silver famously predicted the winner of every Senate race, which was an impressive achievement for him but so boring for us. It was like finding your Christmas/”holiday” presents early. You’ll go through the motions of unwrapping your Regrets Her Abortion Barbie and Nature Despoiled II: The Warmening For Sega SexBox, but there’s no climax. The moment is flaccid; that is to say, unsuited to penetrating intercourse, never mind entertainment. Read more on How Every Endangered Senate Democrat Will Win In November, Because Why Not…
  An Orgy Of White-On-Orange Violence

It’s The Great Pumpkin Riot, Scott Brown

Now that he’s running for Senate in New Hampshire, former Massachusetts Sen. Scott Brown is totally A Guy From New Hampshire who would never miss the New Hampshirest of all possible events, the Pumpkin Festival in Keene. Even though this folksy college town was a powder keg of white rage just waiting to explode into pumpkin-splattered violence. While Scott was connecting with law-abiding harvest revelers, mobs of angry white youth wreaked havoc just around the corner. Read more on It’s The Great Pumpkin Riot, Scott Brown…
  bqhatevwr

Scott Brown: We Wouldn’t Have Ebola If Mitt Was President

Nope, wrong again
Roll your eyes with us, won’t you please, at the latest steaming pile of stupid from former Sen. Scott Brown (R-Whatever State Will Take Him): “Gosh can you imagine if Mitt was the president right now?” Brown said. “He was right on Russia, he was right on Obamacare, he was right on the economy. And I guarantee you we would not be worrying about Ebola right now and, you know, worrying about our foreign policy screw ups.” Gosh, Scott, we really can’t imagine that. Because Mitt can’t get himself elected president no matter how many time he tries. Hell, he can’t even get himself elected dogcatcher. In fact, he especially can’t get himself elected dogcatcher. Read more on Scott Brown: We Wouldn’t Have Ebola If Mitt Was President…
  Scott Brown will party SO hard for you New Hampshire

Scott Brown’s New Frat-Bro Dude Friends Have Such Nice Things To Say About Congressgirls!

Republican Scott Brown, the former senator from some dumb state that doesn’t matter because he’s always been a “phony from New Hampshire,” is a Very Serious Candidate. He only wants to talk about Very Serious Things. No matter how many times Democratic incumbent Sen. Jeanne “She’s So Mean” Shaheen tries to talk about issues that don’t matter — like Brown’s voting record and dumb chick stuff, which no one cares about, DUH — he is trying to focus on the things he is trying to focus on. When he was reminded again (so annoying!) that Shaheen has accused him of not actually being pro-choice because he is actually not pro-choice, despite his attempts to pretend that he is, Brown gave this Very Serious Response: Read more on Scott Brown’s New Frat-Bro Dude Friends Have Such Nice Things To Say About Congressgirls!…
  Here have some news n stuff

NFL Tried So Hard To Get That Video Of Ray Rice Beating His Lady, No Really (Not Really)

Too bad there's no video
The NFL is still trying to convince us that The Big Manly Powers That Be never would have defended Baltimore Ravens sportsball star Ray Rice after he knocked his woman OUT COLD in an elevator, if only they could have seen the video of him doing that. Not the abridged video that shows him dragging her unconscious body out of the elevator after the fact; that was inconclusive, and besides, everyone said they were sorry, so what more could anyone want? Read more on NFL Tried So Hard To Get That Video Of Ray Rice Beating His Lady, No Really (Not Really)…
  He is A Expert

Scott Brown Knows More About Lady Stuff Than Dumb Lady He’s Running Against

Scott Brown (R-Insert State Here)
Scott Brown, topless truck-driving Everyman who’s trying to unseat Democratic Sen. Jeanne Shaheen because she’s not as “virtually” from New Hampshire as he is, knows all about women. He has a wife — who is a woman! — and also too some daughters, and they are women too! (Sorry, fellas, they are no longer “both available,” though, as he successfully married off one of them this summer for seven oxen and a she-goat.) Read more on Scott Brown Knows More About Lady Stuff Than Dumb Lady He’s Running Against…
  Here have some news n stuff

Starbucks To Be Even More Triple Grande Nasty-atto Now

Exactly
Image by Stuart Caie via Flickr As if Starbucks hasn’t already turned “coffee” — that beverage you pour into a mug in the morning, maybe add milk, maybe add sugar — into a joke so bad it hurts our feelings, now there’s a new not-coffee “coffee” drink on the way, for those of you who would mainline your sugar fix but are afraid of needles, we guess. It’s called the Dark Barrel Latte, and it sounds disgusting, and shame on all of you, you crazy kids with your crazy “coffee”: Read more on Starbucks To Be Even More Triple Grande Nasty-atto Now…
  Here have some news n stuff

NASA Found This Amazing Monster Black Hole Inside A Teeny Galaxy, No Big

Pretttttttty
Image Credit: NASA, ESA, STScI-RCC14-41a We have SCIENCE! that is so cool, we’re going to start with that today. (Look up. Look at the science. Isn’t it pretty?) We also have a Very Interesting Theory, a super absurd conspiracy theory, the future of travel, and a guy who races the subway … and wins. Read more on NASA Found This Amazing Monster Black Hole Inside A Teeny Galaxy, No Big…
  Primarily Boring

Scott Brown Drives His Man-Truck To Victory In Massachusetts Or Whatever: Your Final Primary Wrap-Up!

The nominee and his nipples
The last primaries of 2014 took place last night, and there’s a fun upset-not-upset in the mix! Up in the Commonwealth of Massachusetts (God Save It! © Charles P. Pierce), lantern-jawed newcomer Seth Moulton became the first Democrat in 22 years to unseat a sitting congressman in a primary, beating scandal-plagued John Tierney by eight whole points. Get us up to speed here, Boston Globe, because not all of us are hardy lobstermen living on Boston’s North Shore. Read more on Scott Brown Drives His Man-Truck To Victory In Massachusetts Or Whatever: Your Final Primary Wrap-Up!…
  Your morning cup of wut?

Scott Brown Will Sue You So Hard, Geek Pizza, And Other News You Can Maybe Use

He's so sensitive
Do you want some news? We have some news! Food news, bad idea news, and Dick Cheney is still a dick news. (Okay, that’s not exactly news, but we have yet another example for you.) Come on in, the water’s fine. And the pizza’s pretty good too. Read more on Scott Brown Will Sue You So Hard, Geek Pizza, And Other News You Can Maybe Use…