Tag Archives: scientology

  From the Makers of Trepanning

The Snake Oil Bulletin: Don’t Get Your Dorito Spermicide Here!

Fresh out of butt jokes this week.
Greetings and Salutations, friends! Do you have aches and pains what ail you? Are you afflicted by rheumatism, King’s evil, and the French pox? Do you seek the fantastical cures to these maladies and more, and maybe a little tincture to rattle your marriage bed? Well you won’t find them here, by gumption. Nay, friends, for in this traveling medicine show you’ll find a rundown of the choicest concoctions of bull pucky, bunk, and pseudoscience to grace our marvelous steam-powered electro-web! Read more on The Snake Oil Bulletin: Don’t Get Your Dorito Spermicide Here!…
  clipbait

John Oliver Terrifies Us About Student Debt. Also, Space Geckos: The Sad Goodbye (Video)

Les geckos spatiales sont morts. Vive les geckos spatiales!
John Oliver’s Last Week Tonight is back from vacation, and brings us this cheery back-to-school report about the growing problem of student loan debt. There’s more student debt in U.S. America than credit card or car loan debt, and it’s second only to mortgage debt, which we seem to remember caused some sort of a little dust-up in the economy a short while back (but that was only because Barney Frank forced banks to loan money to bad poors). Oliver warns that “student debt is like HPV: If you go to college, you’re almost certainly going to get it, and if you do, it will follow you for the rest of your life.” Read more on John Oliver Terrifies Us About Student Debt. Also, Space Geckos: The Sad Goodbye (Video)…
  undercover brother

You Are Not Going To Believe This, But James O’Keefe’s Hollywood ‘Sting’ *May* Have Been Deceptively Edited

Hey, remember yesterday, when superjournalist James O’Keefe proved beyond a shadow of a doubt that hypocrite “environmentalist” Ed Begley Jr. makes love to greasy piles of Muslim oil money, and Mariel Hemingway’s a giant whore? Well, not to pull your world out from under you, but those tapes may have been selectively edited. We will wait while you do some meditation or smoke some drugs to get your head back on right. Ready? Well, another person O’Keefe surreptitiously taped while pretending to be a mysterious man named “Muhammed” is used to the natural gas industry doing Scientology-style skeezy shit to him, as he’s the guy behind Gasland and Gasland II, about the marvelous marvels of fracking greatness, what is great. And he taped the phone calls as well. (Audio at the Daily Beast.) Would you believe that one of these phone calls is not like the other? Read more on You Are Not Going To Believe This, But James O’Keefe’s Hollywood ‘Sting’ *May* Have Been Deceptively Edited…
  ugly vile little snark mob

Ben Shapiro Is Our Intellectual Better, And The Other Funniest Deleted Comments You’ll Read All Day

Greetings, mis pequeños Wonquitos! Hope you’re up for another exciting trip to the Purgatory of Ideas that is the comments queue! Our first unsuccessfully attempted comment was a reaction from “Katherine,” who was quite displeased with our failure to recognize our intellectual betters, particularly the Big Thoughts of Ben Shapiro: Ben Shapiro is more intelligent than all of you put together. He knows his stuff, and all you do is spit out vitriol garbage. Your views are filled with mindless emotion, and his are filled with intelligence and evidence. “Vitriolic,” dear. Yes, it is true, we are driven by mindless emotions, like thinking that people should be able to feed their families, and that the stimulative effect of unemployment insurance is good for the economy. But Ben Shapiro, he is one smart fella, and he felt smart. Read more on Ben Shapiro Is Our Intellectual Better, And The Other Funniest Deleted Comments You’ll Read All Day…
  all the derp that's fit to herp

Derp Roundup: Your Weekly Index Of Idjits

Hi-diddly-ho, Wonkerinos, and welcome to another installment of Derp Roundup, the feature where we scrape up a bunch of stories that were too stoopid to ignore altogether, but not quite worth a full post of their own. It’s like Thanksgiving leftovers that have sat out too long, except they were kind of rotten to begin with. Read more on Derp Roundup: Your Weekly Index Of Idjits…
  america's web polls

Greta Van Susteren Asks Who’s Dumb, Fox News Viewers Say ‘You Are!’

Mush-mouthed Scientologist and forgotten Fox News anchor lady Greta Van Susteren is a petulant child who battles her own viewers on her parody blog, “Gretawire.” A viewer named Brian wrote in and said, “You have a mind like a seive [sic]. Your brain is empty.” Is there anyone who would argue with that kind of plain fact? Read more on Greta Van Susteren Asks Who’s Dumb, Fox News Viewers Say ‘You Are!’…
  wagg the bog

The Pentagon Sewer Monster Is Watching You, And Joe Wilson Is Hired As A Male Escort

Hot date! Southern gentleman and rhetorician REP. JOE WILSON (R-SC) has been given the honor of escorting German Chancellor-Frau ANGELA MERKEL to the 20th annual Berlin Wall Ball. But will Joe be ready for the big night? Where will he find a corsage that compliments Angela’s captivating blue eyes? And can he trust the ILLEGAL ALIENS who work at the dry cleaners with his tailcoat? And does he remember how to waltz? Gossip mongers report that Joe has been practicing his footwork all week: 1-2-SCREAM, 1-2-SCREAM, 1-2-SCREAM. Very rhythmic, that Joe Wilson. He’s got those happy feet, moves with the music … Read more on The Pentagon Sewer Monster Is Watching You, And Joe Wilson Is Hired As A Male Escort…
 

Mitt Romney Gets ‘Vanilla Steamer’ … And Refuses To Pay For It

Twisted weirdo Mitt Romney seems to be the only Republican candidate with anything resembling morals or “family values” (except for Dr. Congressman Ron Paul, of course!), but even the casual observer is forced to conclude he is some kind of deranged freak. First we learned how he tortures the family dog by strapping it to the roof of a station wagon until the poor shivering beast gushes diarrhea, then we find out how much he loves sucking “tube steak,” and now he’s in trouble for getting a “Vanilla Steamer” and not paying for it. Read more on Mitt Romney Gets ‘Vanilla Steamer’ … And Refuses To Pay For It…
 

The evil UFO that crashed in the mountains of Peru has sickened hundreds of people. Which candidate is most prepared to battle the space monsters? [Associated Press/Living In Peru]
 

Mitt Romney Runs Like a Girl

Here’s the new Mitt Romney ad, in which we learn that the multi-millionaire Scientology-loving dog-torturing Parisian apparently believes he also starred in the “Lord of the Rings” movies. Also, who runs like that? Little girls, that’s who. Mitt Romney “Leadership” [YouTube] Read more on Mitt Romney Runs Like a Girl…
 

Mike Huckabee and Fred Thompson are pushing some batshit Scientology scheme to eliminate the IRS so the IRS doesn’t take away Scientology’s tax status as a “religion.” [Wall Street Journal]
 

A Spiritual Response to the 35W Bridge Tragedy

Wherever disaster strikes, there they are by the dozens — assisting victims, offering help and support. “They’re helping the Red Cross, helping with logistical organization — food, directing traffic and one-on-one counseling,” all in the name of charity. At Ground Zero. In New Orleans. At Virginia Tech. And now, of course, in Minneapolis, at the site of the 35W bridge collapse. We’re speaking, of course, of Scientologists, America’s Angels. Read more on A Spiritual Response to the 35W Bridge Tragedy…
 

Monsieur Romney Also a Draft Dodger

Ever since Dick Cheney seized power seven long and horrible years ago, Republicans have no longer had to even pretend to give a shit about serving in the military. After all, if Bush could get kicked out of the Texas Air National Guard for being a no-show cocaine addict and Cheney could rack up five deferments to keep himself out of Vietnam, that whole heroic-patriotic military service thing was clearly no longer necessary for Republican candidates. Read more on Monsieur Romney Also a Draft Dodger…
 

Today’s Bigot: Al Sharpton

Portly pompadoured “shock jock” Al Sharpton said something provocative during a debate with Christopher Hitchens on Monday, causing much concern amongst those who pay attention to Al Sharpton. (Sharpton and Hitch are running against each other in the tightly contested campaign for “World’s Biggest Asshole.”) Read more on Today’s Bigot: Al Sharpton…
 

Mitt Romney Doesn’t Care For Mr. Spock’s Love Life

Mormon-Scientologist Mitt Romney (pictured here with The Joker) was down at Regent University earning a master’s degree in Pretend World History yesterday, and he told an audience of future Monica Goodlings all about a crazy land called “France,” where the ladies wear no pants and people only mate every seven years on their home planet of Vulcan. Read more on Mitt Romney Doesn’t Care For Mr. Spock’s Love Life…
 

They’ve Gone To Plaid

* It’s not the Scientology that Mitt Romney loves, it’s the Travolta. [The Caucus] * Hillary’s bad taste also in question: Does she only listen to the noise from Bono’s charity, or the shit his band puts out too? [Political Radar] * Former Abramoff crony turned U.S. Attorney refused to prosecute himself. [Wampum] * RIP Tom DeLay’s PAC. [Capitol Briefing] * Joe Lieberman is still as crazy as when you voted for him. [Horse’s Mouth] * Brooklyn congressman knows what he’s gonna do when the bad boys come for him. [HuffPo] * Gingrich and Hegel hang out with the unions, nonchalantly inquire about members willing to work for 10 cents an hour and no bathroom breaks. [Political Insider] Read more on They’ve Gone To Plaid…
 

Scooter Libby Loves Tom Cruise!

What’s a Bush Administration trial without a dose of Scientology? A trial without Tom Cruise, that’s what! According to testimony in Scooter Libby’s trial, he was super proud of having met Tom Cruise and former beard Penelope Cruz back in 2003. Cruise was in Washington trying to get L. Ron Hubbard elected as God, and Libby was more than happy to meet the tiny movie star. Libby wasn’t the only Bush Administration bigshot anxious to make Cruise’s dreams come true. Read all the xenutastic details, after the jump. Read more on Scooter Libby Loves Tom Cruise!…
 

Rumors On The Internets: That’s Not a War Face

* Scooter Libby is just another persecuted Scientologist. [Outside the Beltway] * John Edwards goes live tonight using same video chat software your favorite porn sites use. [John Edwards] * This thing doesn’t look like that thing. [C&L] * Bill Keller thinks your newspaper sucks. [Romenesko] * Nancy Pelosi has spendy outfits. [MoJo] * Hu Jintao is, apparently, the master of his domain. [Dean’s World] * Product placement in future SOTUs is a magic money teet. [Matthew Yglesias] * Don Sherwood is the kind of guy that would choke a woman and not have the common courtesy to make his hush money payments. [The Politico] Read more on Rumors On The Internets: That’s Not a War Face…
 

Gossip Roundup: Freaks and Geeks

* Heard on the Hill: Rep. Jesse Jackson, Jr. makes every member of his staff turn in their resignation, then wait to be rehired… Rep. Mike Pence wore a flashy new suit! He’s running for Minority Leader, so a second suit can’t hurt… Isaac Hayes was on The Hill lobbying for the recording industry. Also, he’s a Scientologist. [Roll Call] * Reliable Source: Redskins owner/obvious bastard Dan Snyder will be attending Tom Cruise’s cult wedding… More Shelley Sekula-Gibbs, still no details on just how “mean.” [WP] * Yeas and Nays: As a publicist has already made sure to alert us, Eva Longoria was in town. She told a few jokes at a luncheon or something… Jim McGreevey might be on Joan Rivers’ new show, the Gay View… Freshmen Senators are stuck in the basements of Dirksen and Hart, Bob Corker and Sherrod Brown forced to share copier. [Examiner] * Under the Dome: George Allen’s sister Jennifer wrote stories even dirtier than Jim Webb’s… Alan Keyes, Rep. Chip Pickering (R-Miss.) and former Rep. Bob Barr (R-Ga.). are all in Borat… Senators-elect Sherrod Brown and Amy Klobuchar are former students of Joe Lieberman at Yale… Rep. Allyson Schwartz (D-Pa.) reports: Congress is like High School! [The Hill] Read more on Gossip Roundup: Freaks and Geeks…
 

WTF California

Pictured: Senator Barbara Boxer of California, announcing the Democratic Senate majority’s new “Forced Cult Marriages For All” initiative with brainwashed robot bride Katie Holmes.
 

THEY FOUND FOLEY!

Brian Ross’ crack team of Blotters has once again taken the Foley Story to the next level. He’s not with the Scientology space monsters at all! Former Rep. Mark Foley checked himself into the Sierra Tucson Treatment Center in Arizona two days after he resigned from Congress in disgrace, ABC News has learned. Lawyers for Foley confirm he’s been an inpatient at the facility since Oct. 1. Actually, nobody found Foley. ABC News just got hold of a press release from Foley’s lawyers (PDF) that says he’s in the program until Halloween, please leave him alone, etc. He could still be anywhere on Earth, and is most likely following the Old 97’s around the country. Read more on THEY FOUND FOLEY!…