Hot date! Southern gentleman and rhetorician REP. JOE WILSON (R-SC) has been given the honor of escorting German Chancellor-Frau ANGELA MERKEL to the 20th annual Berlin Wall Ball. But will Joe be ready for the big night? Where will he find a corsage that compliments Angela’s captivating blue eyes? And can he trust the ILLEGAL ALIENS who work at the dry cleaners with his tailcoat? And does he remember how to waltz? Gossip mongers report that Joe has been practicing his footwork all week: 1-2-SCREAM, 1-2-SCREAM, 1-2-SCREAM. Very rhythmic, that Joe Wilson. He’s got those happy feet, moves with the music … MORE »

Twisted weirdo Mitt Romney seems to be the only Republican candidate with anything resembling morals or “family values” (except for Dr. Congressman Ron Paul, of course!), but even the casual observer is forced to conclude he is some kind of deranged freak. First we learned how he tortures the family dog by strapping it to the roof of a station wagon until the poor shivering beast gushes diarrhea, then we find out how much he loves sucking “tube steak,” and now he’s in trouble for getting a “Vanilla Steamer” and not paying for it. MORE »

The evil UFO that crashed in the mountains of Peru has sickened hundreds of people. Which candidate is most prepared to battle the space monsters? [Associated Press/Living In Peru]

Here’s the new Mitt Romney ad, in which we learn that the multi-millionaire Scientology-loving dog-torturing Parisian apparently believes he also starred in the “Lord of the Rings” movies. Also, who runs like that? Little girls, that’s who.

Mitt Romney “Leadership” [YouTube]

Mike Huckabee and Fred Thompson are pushing some batshit Scientology scheme to eliminate the IRS so the IRS doesn’t take away Scientology’s tax status as a “religion.” [Wall Street Journal]

Wherever disaster strikes, there they are by the dozens — assisting victims, offering help and support. “They’re helping the Red Cross, helping with logistical organization — food, directing traffic and one-on-one counseling,” all in the name of charity. At Ground Zero. In New Orleans. At Virginia Tech. And now, of course, in Minneapolis, at the site of the 35W bridge collapse. We’re speaking, of course, of Scientologists, America’s Angels. MORE »

Ever since Dick Cheney seized power seven long and horrible years ago, Republicans have no longer had to even pretend to give a shit about serving in the military. After all, if Bush could get kicked out of the Texas Air National Guard for being a no-show cocaine addict and Cheney could rack up five deferments to keep himself out of Vietnam, that whole heroic-patriotic military service thing was clearly no longer necessary for Republican candidates. MORE »

Portly pompadoured “shock jock” Al Sharpton said something provocative during a debate with Christopher Hitchens on Monday, causing much concern amongst those who pay attention to Al Sharpton. (Sharpton and Hitch are running against each other in the tightly contested campaign for “World’s Biggest Asshole.”) MORE »

Mormon-Scientologist Mitt Romney (pictured here with The Joker) was down at Regent University earning a master’s degree in Pretend World History yesterday, and he told an audience of future Monica Goodlings all about a crazy land called “France,” where the ladies wear no pants and people only mate every seven years on their home planet of Vulcan.

He also criticized people who choose not to get married because they enjoy the single life.

“It seems that Europe leads Americans in this way of thinking,” Romney told the crowd of more than 5,000. “In France, for instance, I’m told that marriage is now frequently contracted in seven-year terms where either party may move on when their term is up. How shallow and how different from the Europe of the past.”

While this is not true in any way, seven-year marriage contracts are a humorous feature of neo-con sci-fi author Orson Scott Card’s book The Memory of Earth, which is itself a science-fictionalization of The Book of Mormon.

We’re very close to endorsing Mitt Romney for President, because we really want to see Earth start a war with the Klingons. MORE »

* It’s not the Scientology that Mitt Romney loves, it’s the Travolta. [The Caucus]
* Hillary’s bad taste also in question: Does she only listen to the noise from Bono’s charity, or the shit his band puts out too? [Political Radar]
* Former Abramoff crony turned U.S. Attorney refused to prosecute himself. [Wampum]
* RIP Tom DeLay’s PAC. [Capitol Briefing]
* Joe Lieberman is still as crazy as when you voted for him. [Horse's Mouth]
* Brooklyn congressman knows what he’s gonna do when the bad boys come for him. [HuffPo]
* Gingrich and Hegel hang out with the unions, nonchalantly inquire about members willing to work for 10 cents an hour and no bathroom breaks. [Political Insider]

What’s a Bush Administration trial without a dose of Scientology? A trial without Tom Cruise, that’s what!

According to testimony in Scooter Libby’s trial, he was super proud of having met Tom Cruise and former beard Penelope Cruz back in 2003. Cruise was in Washington trying to get L. Ron Hubbard elected as God, and Libby was more than happy to meet the tiny movie star.

Libby wasn’t the only Bush Administration bigshot anxious to make Cruise’s dreams come true. Read all the xenutastic details, after the jump.

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