Have you heard the good news about Jesus Christ? If you’re running for president, it’s important to say, “Oh yes, I have, and I spend basically all my time worshiping the Baby Jesus.” Never mind that your average presidential candidate has pledged his or her soul to the real god of political power, Lord Satan. But as usual, there is one “maverick” when it comes to pretending to care about Jesus, and his name is Rudy Giuliani. MORE »

During a weird visit to Pat Robertson’s pretend university, Mormon-Scientologist Mitt Romney claimed that Evil France was basically run by space monsters who hate our traditional values and have no-fault seven-year marriages like in California. But Mitt can be forgiven because what normal American really knows anything about France? (Other than “Jacques” Kerry, we mean.) MORE »

Was Mormon-Scientologist Mitt Romney sending a secret anti-American pro-Islamic-Fascist message with his praise of I. Robot Eisenstein’s “Battleship Earth” series? We think so! Check out this comment on our new favorite blog for comments, the New York Times blog:

Since when do republicans read books? I am one of the few people who liked ” Battlefield Earth ” The place resembles modern day Iraq and the Aliens resemble our troops, high teching it to defeat.
The number 2 bad guy is a sort of charming Cheney, an exercise in liscence that would freak out Swift.
If you watch it closely you will see a flash of Romney charm from the number 1 bad guy. These guys like we may do, ended up destroying their entire society by getting involved in a stupid war against people who don`t like being kicked around and treated like dirt.
The entire operation to subdue Earth was run for profit by a corporation on the alien home world of Psychlor. Who would ever believe a plot line like that. Any comparison to Halliburton is purely co-incidental.
Charles B. Tiffany
Kissimmee, Florida

Could this be true? Maybe! Nobody has ever actually read that book — except in Gitmo, where it’s used to mentally torture innocent Afghan farmers picked up by bounty hunters from other tribes who sold the captives to the U.S. military, in 2001 — and no-one alive today has seen the hit movie of the same name. Whatever the case, Mitt Romney’s next wives will likely be Kirstie Alley, Juliette Lewis and Chaka Khan, in burqas. MORE »

We just received this e-mail and boy are we embarrassed (about getting caught):

I love Wonkette. Truly love it. But I just wanted to let you know I just got a visit from one of the head Scientologists because of one of your listings. Here’s how it all went down: Last week you had an author event at 1812 19th St. for the book “Babylon’s Ark” about the zoo in Baghdad. We love little furry animals and wanted to hear about most of them dying but a few being heroically saved. Little did we know going into it that it was at L. Ron Hubbard’s house and sponsored by the Scientologists. Maybe this was our fault (I went with a co-worker), but we told the 10 smiling people greeting us that we worked down the street and now the head guy is showing up at my place of business. Seriously, folks. Not your fault, but thought I’d share.

So, uhm, we googled “1812 19th St., Washington DC” and … whoops. Sorry. What else around here is actually a Scientology Headquarters? Based on our usual To Do lists, we suspect Politics & Prose, Kennedy Center, the Hirshhorn and, obviously, the Black Cat. MORE »