Did any of you evil men impregnate a lady on election night? Then you probably voted for Barack Obama! (It’s a real “win-win” situation, too, because this would mean you, the liberal, were able to make the lady get an abortion — and not take care of some baby!) MORE »

GOOD THING BARACK OBAMA DID NOT ALSO ASK THAT AMERICA RECEIVE THIS TOO: Hey mazel tov to the three Americans who have WON the Nobel Prize in Medicine and therefore the morning. It is also the first time that two lady scientists have shared the prize. “The three scientists won the prize for experiments that showed that the long thread-like molecules that carry genes inside every cell known as chromosomes have protective caps on their ends — like the protective tips on shoelaces — called telomeres, which are replenished with an enzyme known as telomerase.” TOO INSIDERY. [Washington Post]

Back in spring, Obama set up a special advisory science panel of scientists to find out exactly how cool it would be for NASA to send astronauts into space, like to Mars maybe. The panel’s findings indicate that this would be “pretty fucking cool,” or “quite brilliant, really” in metric units. Fantastiche! NASA will now be needing $3 billion a year on top of the $18 billion a year it already gets so it can send a guy or a clever monkey with a touching and uncanny capacity for human emotion to Mars. MORE »

What does an ancient sea monster do when it’s finally free to shuffle out of its human skin-bag and return to the frigid bosom of the deep? Does it invade the corpse of a new host called “Liz Cheney,” or does it opt for more leisure time? YouTube has the answer.

Here’s your recent Wonkette obsession, Rep. Joe Barton of Texas, fighting the gorilla, which he will do daily as long as this Waxman-Markey energy bill is up for debate. In today’s session, Barton explains that fuel-efficient cars are not fuel-efficient, carbon dioxide is in the delightful beverage Coca-Cola, there is no evidence of higher carbon dioxide concentrations in the atmosphere, and of course, “you can’t regulate God.” Big round of applause for Joe Barton, everyone, because what the gays don’t understand is that God put those coal-fired power plants on Earth himself, shortly after giving pet dinosaurs to Noah and Moses, and they’re guarded by magical force fields so just bugger off already. [Think Progress]

Al Gore’s on Capitol Hill today to talk about his science! So is Newt Gingrich, for no apparent reason. But back to Al Gore! Here’s Tennessee meanie Rep. Marsha Blackburn calling Al Gore an evil criminal, just looking for a profit like your average dyed-in-the-wool socialist. (?). Then he tells her, hey Marsha, don’t you even go there, Marsha. And below we have Al Gore taking question from everyone’s favorite hero, Joe Barton. Al tells Joe that sometimes the corporations tell lies. As if Joe doesn’t know. Hey John Warner’s there too! How about that. MORE »

A fancy Tory named Professor John Beddington is worried about that the “growing world population will cause a ‘perfect storm’ of food, energy and water shortages by 2030.” He’s the “chief government scientist” of England, too, so he is basically Al Gore in knickers. Anyway, this will starve out mostly the poor countries, so we’re… oh shit that’s us now! Actually, meh. Anyone who expects things to be halfway decent in 2030, anywhere, is kind of dumb. Just remember not to breed, unless you’re *comfortable* with having to sell your child to the Huns in a few years. [BBC]

Today was supposed to be an exciting day for science as NASA planned to launch its “Orbiting Carbon Observatory,” a fancy new Space Machine that would study carbon dioxide levels in the atmosphere and calculate the exact moment when Earth will die, from heat. The $273.4 million, 972-pound monster “carried a single three-channel spectrometer to make its detailed measurements and was slated to launch into a near-polar, sun-synchronous orbit that would fly about 438 miles (705 kilometers) above Earth.” Well, it blew up right after launch, so global warming still does not exist. MORE »

• Join the Young Eagles! It is a decadently homoerotic symposium for young boys under the age of 45 and the older conservative gentleman who get off on mentoring them, consensually. [Daily Kos]
• This is the lady that Obama and Bill Ayers tried to abort with ecstasy tablets in the 60s. Why won’t Obama just apologize instead of voting against giving this lady health care every day of his life? [The Corner]
• Arabic-language socialist pamphlet the New Mexico Sun News has called the election for Obama. [CNN Political Ticker]
• In the dead of night, Barack Obama will sneak into your house in a Trojan terror horse, built with white people’s taxes. He will then take all of your possessions and pass them out randomly, to the populace, in a sort of Marxist Yankee Swap. [Crooks and Liars]
• Someone pointed out to Palin that “McCain” rhymed with “brain.” So pleased was she with this fancy word learnin’ that she welcomed it as a new campaign slogan. [Top of the Ticket]
• Oh, and NYU Scientists want to know how you make all your decisions about voting and the like. [Survey Fun!]

Today John McCain announced his most insanely simplistic campaign idea yet: a science fair contest. He proposed “a $300 million government prize to whoever can develop an automobile battery that far surpasses existing technology.” Screw you people; Wonkette is going to Home Depot to buy sheet metal, rivets, and Legos right now. MORE »

Terrible Sen. Joe Lieberman mustn’t have “gotten the message” when Barry Obama beat him up on the Senate Floor yesterday. Instead of backing off Obama, Lieberman is now growing advanced human embryos that will mature into 18-year-olds over the course of 5 months, at which point they will have the option of either voting for McCain or being sent to Iraq. Two of these options will send them to Iraq.