Tag Archives: schools

  Not A Rash Decision

California Pries Measles Out Of Anti-Vaxxers’ Cold, Dumb Hands

Are your brains melting yet, Mommy? Are they? Now, about that pony...
Hey, how about some Science Nice Time? California Gov. Jerry Brown signed the state’s new vaccine requirement into law today, over the cries of “Government Oppression!” and “Big Pharma! Big Pharma! Big Pharma!” from anti-vaxxers. The bill eliminates exemptions for personal and religious beliefs, even though many Californians will be sad because their precious unvaccinated disease vectors will not be allowed to attend public schools. Read more on California Pries Measles Out Of Anti-Vaxxers’ Cold, Dumb Hands…
  We Watch So You Don't Have To

The Fartknocker Report: Sarah Palin Is All Het Up About The Spanishes

The Sarah Palin Fartknocker Report, Presented By Fartknocker
The Sarah Palin Channel has released three videos in the last week and a half, and none of them is interesting enough to warrant its own blog post. There’s one on a Social Security Disability “snafu,” one that is Just Asking Questions about foreign donors to the Clinton Foundation, and one about the Supreme Court throatcramming some California students who couldn’t wear the shirts they wanted in school. It’s a seriously boring week, even by Palin’s standards. Read more on The Fartknocker Report: Sarah Palin Is All Het Up About The Spanishes…
  nice time!

Nice Time: Stephen Colbert Saves South Carolina Schools From Jerks Who Run South Carolina

Thumbs up for education!
Is our South Carolina children learning? Stephen Colbert, South Carolina native, decided to do his part to make sure that “YES THEY IS,” by announcing that he, along with some of his buddy-pals from this big money foundation, would be chipping in $800,000 in order to fund every single grant requested by South Carolina teachers on the DonorsChoose.org website, which acts as a sort of Kickstarter for teachers all over the country, so that they can afford to give their kids the best book learnin’ they know how: Read more on Nice Time: Stephen Colbert Saves South Carolina Schools From Jerks Who Run South Carolina…
  the state of the state is great

Kansas Named Florida / Arizona / Mississippi Of 2014, Pawns Trophy For Gas Money Home

Picking Wonkette’s State of the Year was no easy feat this time around, but Kansas pulled away from the pack with its flair for the dramatic. For a few heady months of 2014, Kansas shocked the country by flirting with electing politicians who were unaffiliated with the Republican Party. We let ourselves believe there could be a chance for the state to turn puce, if not full-on purple, as Kansas Republicans sucked at their jobs on a scale that was especially shocking given the fact that many of them were running for re-election. Read more on Kansas Named Florida / Arizona / Mississippi Of 2014, Pawns Trophy For Gas Money Home…
  Wingnut Wish List

Mississippi Group Gonna Make Christianity The State Religion Without Violating Constitution, Just You See

Sure Why Not?
In a great victory for freedumb, the “Magnolia State Heritage Campign” is pushing a ballot initiative that would finally give the state’s Christian heritage the recognition that it deserves, writing into law that Mississippi is a “principally Christian and quintessentially Southern state” and also acknowledging that the Holy Bible is where all the state’s laws really come from. Read more on Mississippi Group Gonna Make Christianity The State Religion Without Violating Constitution, Just You See…
  It Gets Stupider

Wingnuts Fight For Sacred Right To Keep Bullying Gays, Who Aren’t Real Anyway

Actual result of anti-bullying laws
Here’s a very nice thing that grew out of a very ugly thing, and a very ugly thing in reaction to it: Minnesota’s got a new “Safe and Supportive Schools Act” aimed at combatting bullying and making schools safe and supportive, don’t you know, for LGBT young people. It was passed earlier this year as part of a settlement in a civil-rights lawsuit, and following a string of suicides in the Anoka-Hennepin school district. And of course, now that the law is being implemented, a bunch of wingnuts are fighting to reverse it, because it is Gay Indoctrination that is oppressive to decent Christians who hate gays, with all the Christian love in their mean, pinched hearts. And that is why on Saturday, the “Minnesota Child Protection League” is having a big fundraising dinner headlined by two of America’s premier advocates of gay panic, Matt Barber and all-around Loon Queen Michele Bachmann. Read more on Wingnuts Fight For Sacred Right To Keep Bullying Gays, Who Aren’t Real Anyway…
  He Keeps Saying That Word

Rick Santorum And Bryan Fischer Share Sweaty Fantasies About Banning ‘Secularism’ From Schools

The look of love / is in your eyes / The look your smile can't disguise...
Two of America’s greatest professional Oppressed Christians, the American Patriarchy Association’s Bryan Fischer and Totally Serious Presidential Candidate Rick Santorum, came together Thursdayto bemoan the sorry state of our once great nation, etc. Fischer interviewed Santorum on the AFA’s “Focal Point” internet “radio” show (by telephone, so a critical mass of idiocy was avoided) so Santorum could flog his new movie, a “documentary” about how America is just One Generation Away from a complete end to religious liberty, don’t you know (Yes, we’ll probably watch the thing, maybe when it’s on video). Read more on Rick Santorum And Bryan Fischer Share Sweaty Fantasies About Banning ‘Secularism’ From Schools…
  citizen derp

Florida Lawmaker Wants To Make School Even Worse By Forcing Students To Watch A Dinesh D’Souza Movie

Felonious Bollywood reject Dinesh D’Souza might be on his way to the pokey (ohpleaseohpleaseohplease), but a Florida Republican has come up with a nifty way to ensure that his state’s schoolchildren will remember the great director’s name forever: He is introducing a bill that makes Dinesh’s film America required viewing in all 1,700 of Florida’s middle and high schools. Read more on Florida Lawmaker Wants To Make School Even Worse By Forcing Students To Watch A Dinesh D’Souza Movie…
  militia? I hardly even know ya!

Missouri Training Teachers To Pack Guns; Everything To Be Just Fine Now

While some people are getting their knickers in a twist about guns and trying to limit the number of guns in circulation, the good people of Missouri are taking a more direct approach, getting guns into the hands of classroom teachers where they belong. The Kansas City Star had a big Sunday profile on one training program for Armed Educators, which is turning mere teachers into the sharp-eyed killing machines that their districts’ parents need them to be. It looks pretty effective, especially if you’re the guy with the contract to run the training program. Read more on Missouri Training Teachers To Pack Guns; Everything To Be Just Fine Now…
  what's next? no land mines at burger king?

Jack In the Box Kowtows To Common Sense, Moms, And Wimps And Won’t Allow Guns In Store

Let’s set the stage. You are drunk and/or high, and need a burger. You go to your local Jack in the Box. Just as you are ordering, the French fries start attacking you. Luckily, you are strapped, so you are able to defend your freedom or stand your ground and Second Amendment those fries to hell. Phew, good thing you had that gun, because fast food joints can be scary places. What’s that? Gun-grabbing ninnies are about to side with the terrorist anti-freedom fries? Moms Demand Action for Gun Sense in America is thanking Jack in the Box for its statement out today that it will begin enforcing the company’s no-firearms-in-stores policy. Fuck us, man. This is scary. Will someone please tell us how scary? Perhaps Daily Caller can bring this into perspective? Why do these moms demand mass shootings? This is just the type of level-headed, even-handed journalism we need to protect ourselves from these moms that clearly want to turn every Jack in the Box into Newton times Columbine plus Navy Yard! Stupid moms — why do they love mass shootings so much?  Read more on Jack In the Box Kowtows To Common Sense, Moms, And Wimps And Won’t Allow Guns In Store…
  what's the matter with kansas?

Cool New Kansas Bill Would Let Everybody Spank Your Child

Let’s say you live in Kansas and you are super duper into the idea of spanking your kid because you can’t think of any other way to address disciplinary issues or just because you are an abusive bastard. (Why choose?) And let’s say that you also wish that someone would just clarify how much spanking and bruising you could do? Well, you are in the right place, people, because Kansas is coming correct by proposing the biggest bestest slap-your-kids-around law ever. Freedom! House Bill 2699, which was introduced by Rep. Gail Finney, exempts corporal punishment by a parent from the definitions of child abuse, endangering a child, battery and domestic battery. Corporal punishment is defined under the bill as using one’s palm to strike the clothed buttocks of child up to ten times and using reasonable physical force to restrain the child. The bill acknowledges that this may lead to bruising. Read more on Cool New Kansas Bill Would Let Everybody Spank Your Child…
  2nd-dumbest man on the internet

Bradlee Dean Thinks New York Public Schools Are Teaching Kids To Do Sex With Animals

Oh, golly, you know sometimes Yr Doktor Zoom goes a few weeks or more without encountering the odd mental oscillations of Wonkette frenemy Bradlee Dean, who keeps failing to sue us so we can get all his money. We still think that Jim Hoft richly deserves his title of Stupidest Man on the Internet, but Bradlee Dean is a close second, and since he mostly works the rightwing podcast & “radio” circuit — some of it’s broadcast on AM and shortwave somewhere — we can’t just read Bradlee, we have to listen to him. Which is all by way of saying that every time we hear this man speak, we can feel our brain atrophying. And so it was with some trepidation that we listened to most of Dean’s half-hour interview on the “TruNews” End Times podcast from Thursday, to see if he ever elaborated on his assertion that in New York City, liberal teachers are now “teaching kids bestiality in public schools.” We figured that if he had, Right Wing Watch would have quoted it, because how would you not? And of course, he never explained it at all. Oh, but there was other stuff, too, and we will bring you the worst of it so you needn’t damage your own headparts listening to it yourself. Read more on Bradlee Dean Thinks New York Public Schools Are Teaching Kids To Do Sex With Animals…
  that's not racial transcendence

Pennsylvania School Administrators’ Texts Not All Racist — Some Were Sexist, Too

The Superintendent and the Director of Athletics and Activities for the Coatesville Area School District in Pennsylvania both “unexpectedly resigned” during the first week of school this year. Turns out that they had been trading racist texts on their school-provided phones for most of the summer. Not the sort of stupid Obama-as-a-witch-doctor kind of thing that county GOP officials resign over, either. Nope, these idiots (Richard Como, the superintendent, and Jim Donato, the athletic director) were swapping full-on, n-word-filled messages of pure, uncut, slap your hand to your forehead and wonder how these morons got to be in positions of responsibility in the 21st Century, racial anti-transcendence. We kind of thought that white people were only this bigoted in movies nowadays, but obviously we lead a sheltered life. Not as sheltered (or clueless) as Donato, though, since he didn’t even bother deleting the messages from his phone before asking a school IT employee to transfer all his data to a new phone, which is how they were discovered. Two cheers for technnologically incompetent racists, we suppose. Read more on Pennsylvania School Administrators’ Texts Not All Racist — Some Were Sexist, Too…
  take the last train from clarksville

Arkansas High School Will Arm Teachers To The Teeth Because Safety

Lots of state legislatures, those cute little incubators of democracy, have suggested that teachers pack heat because post-Newtown you can’t be too careful, you know. Most people have been too scared to pull the trigger on this genius plan, but not the good folks of Clarksville High School in Arkansas, who will be letting their teachers and administrators roam the halls with 9mm weapons this fall. New Clarksville High School motto: Safety Last. Read more on Arkansas High School Will Arm Teachers To The Teeth Because Safety…
  what could go wrong?

Schools To Get Blowed Up By Terrorists, Says Man Who Really Really Wants To Carry Gun At Schools

Matt Davis is a renaissance man. He’s a former GOP spokesman, a columnist, and a fan of armed insurrection. He also sounds like a raving paranoid. It is against the law to carry concealed weapons at schools, but Matt Davis cares not for these burdensome rules that deny him the right to protect his children from purely imaginary threats. My worst fear: Dozens of terrorist sleeper cells, with five or six men each, would activate roughly at the same time and attack designated schools across the country. I’d be at work, and I would be helpless to retrieve my children and keep them safe from maniacs. I imagined further that, from a terrorist’s point of view, these attacks would have a dramatic, profound effect on our collective psyche: No parent would allow his child to return to school to long as they were not secure from violent, lethal attacks. Our economy and economic security wouldn’t just hiccup; it would collapse. From that point on, whenever I went to school for some reason (a forgotten lunch; a teacher conference; etc.), as I approached the school I would instinctively feel my right side for that which I knew wasn’t there: A handgun. What an injustice! Matt Davis was denied the right to defend his children from a sleeper cell of terrorists attacking their school while he was dropping off their lunch! It’s unconscionable. Read more on Schools To Get Blowed Up By Terrorists, Says Man Who Really Really Wants To Carry Gun At Schools…
  Women! Know Your Limits!

ACLU Tries to Spoil Dumb Fad Of Sex-Segregated Schools, For the Kids

Well, darn those radical feminists at the ACLU, they are interfering with what appears to be the educational fad du jour, sex-segregated classes. While we remember some of the “Oh Noes, Feminism is a War Against Boys” nonsense from a decade ago, and there’s no end of whining about the alleged excesses of feminism, we somehow weren’t really aware that some public schools are actually having segregated classes for boys and girls. (We thought it was limited to that one afternoon in fifth grade when the girls watched a movie and the boys went to the playground. Jesus we’re old.) So anyway, the ACLU has filed a complaint asking the U.S. Department of Education to investigate two schools in Alabama and Idaho. And all because the ACLU is a bunch of whiners who think that programs some people really like should be ended merely because they’re just a little “discriminatory and maybe illegal” and “based on pseudoscience.” Talk about picky! Read more on ACLU Tries to Spoil Dumb Fad Of Sex-Segregated Schools, For the Kids…
  edumacation

Mitt Romney Will Turn All The Nation’s Schools Into Louisiana And It Will Be So Great

Everyone can relax now because I am back from my vacation and here to shed light on all the horrible things that are in store for, or currently happening to, the Best Country On Earth.™ And as it turns out, there are several, which at this point should come to a surprise to exactly no one. For example, did you know about Mitt Romney’s plan to destroy public education, which he revealed a couple weeks ago in a White Paper that no one paid much attention to? This is an actual White Paper, by the way, not an offhand comment like the one he made about how much he likes firing people who provide teaching to you. You will be shocked, just shocked, to learn that the “ideas” in this 35-page-long White Paper are about the same as the ones that John Sununu said on TeeVee, and can be succinctly summarized as follows. Privatize K-12 education to give people Choices and whatnot. Loosen regulations on for-profit college education to stimulate Competition and the subsequent lowering of prices. Destroy Teachers’ Unions because they are Communist, basically. Read more on Mitt Romney Will Turn All The Nation’s Schools Into Louisiana And It Will Be So Great…
  uhhh

Wasilla Authorities Censor Giant Vagina

Local authorities in the exurban slush slum of Wasilla, Alaska, have taken direct action to stop a large, weird vagina from getting any additional media attention. The Mat-Su Frontiersman (?) reports: Read more on Wasilla Authorities Censor Giant Vagina…
  arizona being arizona

Arizona Schools Ban Mex-Am Studies, Angry Kids Put On Janitorial Duty

In a page right out of Newt Gingrich’s alternate-history science-fiction wingnut-polygamy utopian epic Candyland Space Land, the school district in Tucson has completely banned Mexican-American studies, seized all the textbooks and even wall posters from the classrooms, and punished the students who protested by sentencing them to janitorial duty. The self-hating Latina lady who oversees the now-illegal ethnic studies program even comically told the kids, “Mexico is where Mexican studies is taught, not America!” Why oh why does the Newt have to be in stinky old South Carolina during such a historical moment in stomping the Mexican, for freedom? Read more on Arizona Schools Ban Mex-Am Studies, Angry Kids Put On Janitorial Duty…
  department of wtf

Georgia School Brings Slavery, Slave Beatings Into Math Questions

Georgia’s Gwinnett County School District is coming under fire after parents came across math homework featuring some really atrocious questions involving slavery. Two questions in particular — one involving the number of oranges picked by slaves and another about the number of times Frederick Douglass might have been beaten in a week — were apparently aimed at teaching third graders about multiplication. Nine teachers at Beaver Ridge Elementary School insist they were “attempting to do a cross-curricular activity with a book the children had read about abolitionist Frederick Douglass in their social studies class.” Um, which book? These teachers might be decent at math, but they are terrible at social studies. Read more on Georgia School Brings Slavery, Slave Beatings Into Math Questions…
  Eat Up

Congress Bravely Pushes Cafeteria Cheese-Slop on Our Children

America’s children are still by and large grotesquely overweight these days, we hear? AND STAY THAT WAY is the message from the corporate shills in Congress waging a heroic battle against a USDA proposal requiring school cafeterias to quit counting french fries and tomato sauce on frozen pizzas as “vegetables,” because the “federal government shouldn’t be telling children what to eat.” Except that, by putting a giant pile of oil-and-salt-packed sawdust shavings on the plate of every child in America’s school lunch lines, they kind of are! Read more on Congress Bravely Pushes Cafeteria Cheese-Slop on Our Children…