Tag Archives: scandals

  flotus files

Michelle Obama Celebrates 2011 With One Last Fancy Clothes Scandal

The end of the year (world?) can be a good time to reflect on all of the happy times of the last 12 months, like gym sessions with Desmond Tutu, victories in world domination, and whatever is actually going on in this photo. Perhaps it is also an appropriate time to consider the past year’s mistakes and contemplate lessons learned. Not for our FLOTUS, of course, because she is too good for that second thing. She is pretty pleased with 2011 and has decided to close out the year the best way she knows how: in fancy clothes, on an island far away from most of the poor people. Read more on Michelle Obama Celebrates 2011 With One Last Fancy Clothes Scandal…
  teach them well

Atlanta Teachers Save Newspaper Industry With Valiant Cheating Effort

The daily life of American children in 2011 is, at best, a tragedy. They are obese from inhaling Pop’em donuts in front of the teevee, knocked up from having slumber parties in the wilderness, and they are also only mildly literate. The obesity thing is Michelle Obama’s problem, but when it comes to education, the brave teachers and school administrators of Atlanta, Georgia will do whatever it takes to put their students on the road to success. Of course, actually teaching children is extremely difficult, especially when kids are poor (and obese, probably) so the next reasonable alternative is for teachers to hang out at each other’s houses, drinking boxed wine and scribbling out their students’ incorrect answers on all the important tests. Read more on Atlanta Teachers Save Newspaper Industry With Valiant Cheating Effort…
  republicans in the news? really?

Huge Scandal Keeping Mitch Daniels Out of the 2012 Race: He’s a Good Dad

Fiscal conservatives love Indiana Gov. Mitch Daniels because he loves fiscal conservatism. He loves it so much he declared a “truce” in the culture wars in Indiana so he could focus on it. This upset people, and he eventually had to give in to them, because promising the wingnut faithful an end to non-marital and non-heterosexual and non-coital sexual intercouse is how Republicans are elected, not because America is in love with fiscal conservatism geeks, and if the GOP actually ever won the culture wars, their voters would stop going to the polls. But as Daniels starts to look into joining the presidential race, people who don’t want him in it are trying to shame him into the race by propagating Daniels’ big “SCANDAL”: his wife, whom he has since remarried, divorced him in 1994 and moved to California, leaving him with their four young daughters. Despite not having immediate access to their mother, the children did not die. So the skeleton in Mitch Daniels’ closet is that he’s a good parent? Read more on Huge Scandal Keeping Mitch Daniels Out of the 2012 Race: He’s a Good Dad…
  kochsuckers

Wife of Adulterous WI Senator/Union Breaker Joins Recall Against Him

One of Scott Walker’s top orcs in the union-busting thuggery, Republican Randy Hopper, was thrown out by his wife and is now shacked up in Madison with a 25-year-old right-wing lobbyist who (of course) formerly worked with Hopper as a legislative aide (writing law for Hopper’s corporate backers). And now Hopper’s wife has joined the recall campaign against him — not because of his politics, which she probably agrees with, but because he’s a jerkwad in his personal life, too. Read more on Wife of Adulterous WI Senator/Union Breaker Joins Recall Against Him…
  put on a shirt

Here’s the Topless Craigslist Pic of Mubarak You Wanted

Did you have any doubt that this existed? Los Angeles cartoonist Lalo Alcaraz posted it to Twitter yesterday. But the Internet is so slow in Egypt this week, it took until just now for it to finally download on Hosni Mubarak’s iPhone. And then he resigned and Egypt was free of tyranny, just like that! So it really was a TwitPic Revolution. And don’t miss Mubarak’s 30-second “I Give Up!” statement, which he didn’t even bother to deliver himself. That’s one second per year of Mubarak rule! [Lalo Alcaraz] Read more on Here’s the Topless Craigslist Pic of Mubarak You Wanted…
  uncompassionate bloggerism

Guy Who Says He Had Sex With Nikki Haley Writes Book, Releases Excerpt

Nikki Haley is now governor of South Carolina, despite being brown and despite allegations that she posted her genitals on some South Carolina blogger guy’s genital site. That guy, Will Folks, will be releasing a book about doing sex things with Haley at some point, but for now, he’s posted an excerpt. (“Sexcerpt”? Is that what they call this sort of thing on the blogs?) Here’s a choice quote: “John Mayer’s “Slow Dancing In a Burning Room” played on her CD changer.” Gubernatorial! Another: “After sliding the front seats of her SUV as far back as they would go, Nikki climbed on top of me – rubbing her crotch back and forth over the growing bulge in my pants while I groped her ass and ran my hands through her hair and up and down her back.” EWW, NIKKI HALEY HAS BACK HAIR? Oh, we misread that. Read more on Guy Who Says He Had Sex With Nikki Haley Writes Book, Releases Excerpt…
  gladstoned

John Boehner Really Tried To Get Chris Lee and Others Not To Have Affairs

Wow, that Chris Lee sure resigned fast, eh? For perspective, Larry Craig was arrested for trying to have sex with a man in a public bathroom and finished out his term. Which was months, not hours. The thing is, Republicans just will not stand for their members of Congress having affairs that aren’t illegal in some way. Sure, if that woman posting on Craigslist was a horse, things would have gone much more smoothly for him. But he likes adult women. It’s a personal problem. “Lee, sources said, was one of several junior GOP lawmakers that Boehner allegedly warned to ‘knock it off’ with regard to his partying with female lobbyists last year.” Is John Boehner really trying to enforce the Republican Party’s moral values on its leaders? Or does he want all the female lobbyists for himself? Read more on John Boehner Really Tried To Get Chris Lee and Others Not To Have Affairs…
  things that may unleash great puns

Rumor Thing Accuses John Boehner of Boning Lobbyist

It appears that a rumor about John Boehner having an affair with a lobbyist is forming out of thin air after some Daily Kos guy said it was a rumor, so now it is a rumor. The New York Post got to the bottom of this thing: It’s a liberal blogger/media conspiracy to take down Boehner. “‘Catching Boehner with a mistress is the only way to destroy him politically before the election,’ a source said.” Oh yes, that Boehner is rock hard! Nothing can defeat it except an affair, as it is a very good leader. So who exactly is going to take down Boehner? That evil Jew York Times, of course. Read more on Rumor Thing Accuses John Boehner of Boning Lobbyist…
  black cock-us

Jesse Jackson, Jr. Admits To Sexytime With Dolphin Model, Not To Huge Bribe

According to a “major political fund-raiser” who has talked to federal authorities, former fat guy Congressman Jesse Jackson, Jr. directed him to raise $6 million in campaign contributions to buy the Senate seat Rod Blagojevich was selling. Jackson denied that today. But the source also told them that Jackson was having an affair with Giovanna Huidobro, a D.C. restaurant hostess and model, and had directed the source to pay for two of her airline trips to see him. Jackson didn’t really deny that one today. Of course there are internet photos of this Huidobro lady, posing sexily, with dolphins. Read more on Jesse Jackson, Jr. Admits To Sexytime With Dolphin Model, Not To Huge Bribe…
  should have asked obama about this yesterday ladies

Levi Johnston May Have Fathered Another Baby, Is Probably Angling For WH Budget Director Job

The fate of our democracy hinges on the life of a single man: Levi Johnston. AND IT IS FOR THIS REASON that we follow him closely. There may be other issues that are more interesting to cover, but we have a duty to blog about Levi Johnston and the sex he may or may not be having, even though it is boring. And thus, we must tell you that Levi Johnston is “one of three possible fathers” of the baby that now resides in his ex-girlfriend Lanesia Garcia. The stock markets are fluctuating wildly on word of this important news. Read more on Levi Johnston May Have Fathered Another Baby, Is Probably Angling For WH Budget Director Job…
  sex bomb

Al Gore Is Super Excited For Everyone To Hear About His Groping, Also He Likes Porn a Lot

Police in Portland have announced they are re-re-opening the investigation into that time Al Gore allegedly groped a masseuse at a hotel four years ago. Third time’s the charm when it comes to cock-grabbing incidents, apparently. As for Gore, did you expect him to offer No Comment on this? YOU GUESSED WRONG. Al Gore is like, “Bring it on, po-po’s!” And there is also news that he liked porn very much at a motel one time in the 1970s or maybe 1980s. Read more on Al Gore Is Super Excited For Everyone To Hear About His Groping, Also He Likes Porn a Lot…
  president of kenya

Obama Sends Biden to Kenya With ‘Love’

As part of some big, expensive “diplomatic safari,” Joe Biden’s been chillin’ in Kenya, the birthplace of President Barry Hussein Soetero-Obama. In Nairobi, Biden gave a speech to some university students, telling jokes and complimenting a “beautiful woman” in the audience. Did he show them Obama’s Kenyanese birth certificate? Read more on Obama Sends Biden to Kenya With ‘Love’…
  dept. of tearful confessions

Republican Paid $150,000 To Keep Totally Innocent Hot-Tubbing Incident Quiet

Science proves that there is nothing wrong with people hot-tubbing in the nude near each other, even when one person is 28 and the other person is 15. In spite of this fact, some gal needed $150,000 to “heal” from the painful memory of being naked in a hot tub near Kevin Garn once, a long time ago. Read more on Republican Paid $150,000 To Keep Totally Innocent Hot-Tubbing Incident Quiet…
  because he is blind

DAVID PATERSON’S FRIENDS ARE LEAVING! Did you hear that the New York Times finally got around to writing something vaguely damning about David Paterson? One of his aides beat up a nice lady, on Halloween, and David Paterson later called her and asked her not to make a hot mess of it, because of politics. Damning! Salacious! (Alex Pareene is actually following this, though, and says “David Paterson is Over,” which would be fine for just about everyone.) [Gawker] Read more on …
  nobody uses straight razors anymore

Exciting White House Coke Scandal Was Just A Prank!

Hey so here is a thing! Once upon a long time ago (earlier this week, when your editor was busy Googling “galloway drink-soaked popinjay”) somebody took a picture of what looked suspiciously like ILLEGAL POWDERED DRUGS and said basically “Long day at the office, you would not BELIEVE where the office is BTW” and then posted the photo and comment to 4chan, whereupon somebody looked at the metadata on the photo and figured out it was COMING FROM INSIDE THE (WHITE) HOUSE. Except probably not! Read more on Exciting White House Coke Scandal Was Just A Prank!…