Tag Archives: scandals

  I was just cleaning my "gun" and it went off

NRA Convention Is Jizz-Soaked Festival Of Guns, Fear, Hillary-Hate, More Jizz

Scenes from the hotel rooms at the convention, probably.
The 2015 NRA Convention concluded this weekend in Nashville, and despite the fact that attendees were not allowed to carry their guns every single place they wanted, even if they thought they saw an ISIS or a black person, the convention reportedly went off without a hitch! Or a safety! In fact, the convention seems to have gone off in the pants of many of the speakers and attendees, but in a good way! Let’s enjoy some jizz-soaked highlights, which are the natural product of what happens when so much gun-humping happens in one place. Read more on NRA Convention Is Jizz-Soaked Festival Of Guns, Fear, Hillary-Hate, More Jizz…
  declar...(hic)...ations

Those Uncouth Clintons Have Once Again Given Peggy Noonan The Vapors

The Clintons give Mama such a sad.
The Clintons! The damn Clintons! She ground her teeth as she dumped Alka-Seltzer into her gin, sending waves of liquor splashing over the lip of the glass and along her wrist. She paid no attention as she lifted the glass and drops of gin ran down her arm, soaking the sleeve of her dressing gown. Would no one ever rid her of the pestilence that was those Arkansas grifters? Read more on Those Uncouth Clintons Have Once Again Given Peggy Noonan The Vapors…
  paging channing tatum

Secret Service Didn’t Notice Bullets Hit White House, Is That Bad?

Clint! Clint! Clint!
Sometime today Julia Pierson, the director of the Secret Service, will sit at a witness table in front of the House Oversight Committee and its chairman, the always execrable Rep. Darrell Issa, and try to answer a few questions. Such as, what the fuck is wrong with the Secret Service? Do we have to bring Clint Eastwood in to squint at everyone until they clean up their act? Which we would hate to do, since the last time we saw that guy, he seemed to have lost his mind. Read more on Secret Service Didn’t Notice Bullets Hit White House, Is That Bad?…
  joey wilson's war

Joe Wilson Wants To Know Why Obama Cares More About Gassed Children In Syria Than Benghazi & IRS Atrocities

In a desperate bid to be remembered for something even stupider than yelling “You lie!” about a factual statement in a presidential address, Joe Wilson used his time at Wednesday’s House hearings on whether to blow stuff up in Syria to ask, now wait one darn minute here, why are we even talking about this when the IRS gassed tea party groups’ tax exemptions to death? What about the red line of Obamacare? Shouldn’t we use cruise missiles on the sequester? All excellent questions! Read more on Joe Wilson Wants To Know Why Obama Cares More About Gassed Children In Syria Than Benghazi & IRS Atrocities…
  You So NSAsty

I’m Sorry, NSA

To whom it may concern at the National Security Agency, I’m sorry. I realize you have 315 million citizens to monitor, but I am certain you have had to pay particular attention to my case file, given my affinity for terrorist-related lifestyle publications. Read more on I’m Sorry, NSA…
  Hillary's Alien Baby Must Be In College By Now

Celebritrash Side-Boob Rag: Obama Worse Than Nixon!

The patriots at Globe Magazine have been warning us from the very start that this Obama was a menace, but did we listen? No, and shame be upon us! Where the hell were we back in February of 2008, when Globe uncovered the “Obama Firestorm” that he was a black Afrobaby and not even an American either? Probably getting our legs thrilled, we are such perverts! And what the hell were we doing a month later, when the bombshell “Obama Bombshell” bombshell revealed that he is a gay sex haver and a doer of crack no better than a common mayor of Toronto? Off at the Church of Satan getting gay married to whatever was handy, no doubt! It went on and on: “OBAMA STABS DYING CLINTON IN THE BACK!” … “OBAMA IN GAY BATHHOUSE BOMBSHELL”” … “Obama Lung Cancer Shocker!” … “Truth About Obama Gay Murder!” … “OBAMA’S $5 MILLION VACATION SCANDAL” … and this is but a Whitman’s Sampler of all the scandals, shockers, back-stabbings, and bombshells that Globe has gamely chronicled since we invited this national nightmare into the White House… yet we fools did nothing, leaving Globe with no choice but to call it: Obama is officially “WORSE THAN NIXON!” so let’s get this impeachment started! Also, did you know that they built a new Watergate, and it exploded!? But what are Sources Saying? Read more on Celebritrash Side-Boob Rag: Obama Worse Than Nixon!… Read more on Celebritrash Side-Boob Rag: Obama Worse Than Nixon!…
  Poll Dancing

Obama’s Approval Rating Looking Awesome Despite One Million Watergates

How much do the sheeple love their terrible president, even though he invented the IRS, pogromed the AP, and murdered Ben Gozzi? According to CNN, the Nile of lame stream media, 53% of Americans still love Barack Obama. What?! That’s 2% more bigger than the last time CNN sounded the depths of American ignorance! Sure, the gain could just be a sampling error, but you know what? The whole damn thing smells like skewed polls to us! Where’s that guy who made up the numbers to help Republicans feel better? No, not Karl Rove, the other guy! The big takeaway from the new poll numbers, aside from “Obama remains a Jedi,” is that despite the fact that Americans are taking at least one of last week’s “big” Washington scandals seriously, Republicans haven’t yet been able to pin the blame on the president. (“More than seven in 10 in the CNN poll say that the targeting by the Internal Revenue Service of tea party and other conservative groups that were applying for tax exempt status was unacceptable.”) Why might this be? Your Wonkette posits a nexus of reasons, after the jump! Read more on Obama’s Approval Rating Looking Awesome Despite One Million Watergates…
  Crack back: still wack

New Trendy Thing: Local Pols Smoking Crack Like It’s 1999

It took a while, sure, but the Marion Berry copycats are suddenly coming out in droves! (They are just really really slow copycats because of their drug-induced torpor.) That is, if two counts as “droves,” and we figure fuck it, because that’s easily enough examples for a New York Times trend piece. So here’s the big ‘un that was blowing up all over Twitterspace last night, like a heapin’ helpin’ of exploding foamy pigshit: Toronto Mayor Rob Ford, the man who has done the most to singlehandedly dispel the image of Canadians as “nice,” might also be the gentleman seen smoking crack on a 90-second cellphone video that’s been seen by writers from Gawker and from the Toronto Star. You know, Mr. Mayor, when people respond to stuff like you jumping up from a meeting and running outside to slap refrigerator magnets on cars by saying “is that guy on crack?” they don’t usually expect quite such a concrete answer. Read more on New Trendy Thing: Local Pols Smoking Crack Like It’s 1999…
  Whatever Happened To That Crazy Deficit Anyway?

The Deficit Is Falling Rapidly, But Who Cares Because Look At All These Forgettable Scandals!

Your Wonkette is confused! We were under the impression that the deficit was the single greatest threat to our American Freedom, because it is a big number! We were told that incorporated Americans were su-su-su-SCARED, and they would soon stop wanting to be successful and make money, because “spending” (it is just economics, dumbo). We were told that our children would be born into bondage, because it’s the law that all the babies have to pay all the debts out of their own pockets, which how could they even do that, they have no pockets! Well, forget about all that, because the deficit will be $203 billion lower than projected three months ago thanks in part to this, and in the meantime there’s a bunch of other bullshit for you to obsess over, all of which will be long forgotten by the time Hillary seizes the crown of empire from John Roberts’s quivering hands and assumes her rightful place as dictatrix 4 lyfe. Read more on The Deficit Is Falling Rapidly, But Who Cares Because Look At All These Forgettable Scandals!…
  the party of lincoln

FL Republican Crook Tells All About Efforts To Suppress Black Vote

Do you trust a former Republican muck-a-muck who’s now in a hot legal lava pool and scorned by fellow members of his party when he starts trashing his ex-colleagues? Sure, we do! Here’s delightful former party chairman Jim Greer, in a deposition recorded in late May: “I was upset because the political consultants and staff were talking about voter suppression and keeping blacks from voting.” Ha ha, sure, that must have really upset him, before he was kicked out and indicted on corruption charges. Nevertheless, he denounces the “whack-a-do, right-wing crazies” who have taken complete control of his political party, so let’s offer him the platform for a full explanation. Read more on FL Republican Crook Tells All About Efforts To Suppress Black Vote…
  or maybe he's overcompensating?

Ill. Senator Mark Kirk Turns Out Not To Be Gay, Actually Has Tons Of Lady Problems

Mark Kirk is the Republican who ran to succeed beloved Greatest Senator Ever Roland Burris, and you probably remember him for two reasons: that he was rumored to be gay, and that his ex-wife stopped supporting his campaign because he got too conservative under the sway of mysterious svengali Dodie McCracken. And then you forgot about him, because you get all your political news from your Wonkette, as is proper. What’s he been up to in the meantime? Well, he won his election (not funny) and had a stroke (not funny) but is recovering nicely (inspiring, not funny) and then his ex-wife filed an FEC complaint because he was paying Dodie McCracken in a dodgy roundabout fashion, and also fucking her (DING DING DING DING). Read more on Ill. Senator Mark Kirk Turns Out Not To Be Gay, Actually Has Tons Of Lady Problems…
  america's wang we love you

How Gay Is Charlie Crist’s Extortion Scandal, On A Scale From One To Very Gay?

Sometimes when you’re watching reruns of not-so-old TV shows, you wonder about what ever happened to the bit players. I mean, sure, Joey from Friends will never have to work a day in his life again (which is good, because he probably won’t), but what if you’re one of the ladies who played his interchangeable girlfriends? Do you burn out of Hollywood and end up back at a boring office job, and you have to make occasional sales calls where people say “Didn’t you have sex with Joey from Friends in 1998?” and then it’s super-awkward. Similarly, we know that the big stars of the 2008 presidential campaign will be senators and/or grifters for as long as they want to be, but what about the supporting cast, like beloved orange moderate ex-Florida Governor Charlie Crist, who could have been Vice President, but then wasn’t? What’s he doing with his time, other than staring off into space and thinking about how he wasted his life? We already know that he’s working as some kind of TV lawyer shill, but did you know he’s also involved in some sordid case where the ex-head of the Florida GOP is trying extort money from him, possibly for gayness-related reasons? Read more on How Gay Is Charlie Crist’s Extortion Scandal, On A Scale From One To Very Gay?…
  nsfw! nsfw! nsfw!

Michelle Obama Ends War On Women Ceasefire With Disgraceful Prom Photo

Everything was going great with the women and the men, who stopped fighting against women/each other this weekend just long enough to watch ‘Shark Tank’ and eat a few hot dogs, but now Michelle Obama has something to say. It is a picture, which as you know can say a lot, especially if the picture is of a lot. It is this, a picture from her high school prom. And in it she looks like a movie star on a trip to India or something. The wicker chair. The prop stylist on this Whitney Young High Prom ’81 photo shoot had a gift. The First Lady shared this photo on, WHERE ELSE, blasphemous variety program ‘The Ellen DeGeneres Show,’ on which a homosexual woman is said by critics to “only encourage” people to be themselves, high dress slits and all. Read more on Michelle Obama Ends War On Women Ceasefire With Disgraceful Prom Photo…
  woooooo

Breitbart’s Ghost: Obama Hung Out With Commies Like Studs Terkel

Well, this is just a terrible disappointment. After all our excited yammerings on what goods the prematurely late American blogger Andrew Breitbart might have got on Our Obammerz, it seems the best Sir Breitbart could come up with was … he sat on a panel with Communists like beloved, Pulitzer Prize-winning American historian and author Studs Terkel. I mean, just listen at the titles of Terkel’s best-selling “books,” and you can see the type of anti-American pinko slut he was: The Great War, My American Century, Giants of Jazz, Working. (To be fair to Breitbart, though, Terkel also wrote Race: What Blacks and Whites Think and Feel About the American Obsession, and that does have a certain Kenyan Mau-Mau anti-colonialist ring.) Read more on Breitbart’s Ghost: Obama Hung Out With Commies Like Studs Terkel…
  flotus files

Michelle Obama Celebrates 2011 With One Last Fancy Clothes Scandal

The end of the year (world?) can be a good time to reflect on all of the happy times of the last 12 months, like gym sessions with Desmond Tutu, victories in world domination, and whatever is actually going on in this photo. Perhaps it is also an appropriate time to consider the past year’s mistakes and contemplate lessons learned. Not for our FLOTUS, of course, because she is too good for that second thing. She is pretty pleased with 2011 and has decided to close out the year the best way she knows how: in fancy clothes, on an island far away from most of the poor people. Read more on Michelle Obama Celebrates 2011 With One Last Fancy Clothes Scandal…
  teach them well

Atlanta Teachers Save Newspaper Industry With Valiant Cheating Effort

The daily life of American children in 2011 is, at best, a tragedy. They are obese from inhaling Pop’em donuts in front of the teevee, knocked up from having slumber parties in the wilderness, and they are also only mildly literate. The obesity thing is Michelle Obama’s problem, but when it comes to education, the brave teachers and school administrators of Atlanta, Georgia will do whatever it takes to put their students on the road to success. Of course, actually teaching children is extremely difficult, especially when kids are poor (and obese, probably) so the next reasonable alternative is for teachers to hang out at each other’s houses, drinking boxed wine and scribbling out their students’ incorrect answers on all the important tests. Read more on Atlanta Teachers Save Newspaper Industry With Valiant Cheating Effort…
  republicans in the news? really?

Huge Scandal Keeping Mitch Daniels Out of the 2012 Race: He’s a Good Dad

Fiscal conservatives love Indiana Gov. Mitch Daniels because he loves fiscal conservatism. He loves it so much he declared a “truce” in the culture wars in Indiana so he could focus on it. This upset people, and he eventually had to give in to them, because promising the wingnut faithful an end to non-marital and non-heterosexual and non-coital sexual intercouse is how Republicans are elected, not because America is in love with fiscal conservatism geeks, and if the GOP actually ever won the culture wars, their voters would stop going to the polls. But as Daniels starts to look into joining the presidential race, people who don’t want him in it are trying to shame him into the race by propagating Daniels’ big “SCANDAL”: his wife, whom he has since remarried, divorced him in 1994 and moved to California, leaving him with their four young daughters. Despite not having immediate access to their mother, the children did not die. So the skeleton in Mitch Daniels’ closet is that he’s a good parent? Read more on Huge Scandal Keeping Mitch Daniels Out of the 2012 Race: He’s a Good Dad…
  kochsuckers

Wife of Adulterous WI Senator/Union Breaker Joins Recall Against Him

One of Scott Walker’s top orcs in the union-busting thuggery, Republican Randy Hopper, was thrown out by his wife and is now shacked up in Madison with a 25-year-old right-wing lobbyist who (of course) formerly worked with Hopper as a legislative aide (writing law for Hopper’s corporate backers). And now Hopper’s wife has joined the recall campaign against him — not because of his politics, which she probably agrees with, but because he’s a jerkwad in his personal life, too. Read more on Wife of Adulterous WI Senator/Union Breaker Joins Recall Against Him…
  put on a shirt

Here’s the Topless Craigslist Pic of Mubarak You Wanted

Did you have any doubt that this existed? Los Angeles cartoonist Lalo Alcaraz posted it to Twitter yesterday. But the Internet is so slow in Egypt this week, it took until just now for it to finally download on Hosni Mubarak’s iPhone. And then he resigned and Egypt was free of tyranny, just like that! So it really was a TwitPic Revolution. And don’t miss Mubarak’s 30-second “I Give Up!” statement, which he didn’t even bother to deliver himself. That’s one second per year of Mubarak rule! [Lalo Alcaraz] Read more on Here’s the Topless Craigslist Pic of Mubarak You Wanted…
  uncompassionate bloggerism

Guy Who Says He Had Sex With Nikki Haley Writes Book, Releases Excerpt

Nikki Haley is now governor of South Carolina, despite being brown and despite allegations that she posted her genitals on some South Carolina blogger guy’s genital site. That guy, Will Folks, will be releasing a book about doing sex things with Haley at some point, but for now, he’s posted an excerpt. (“Sexcerpt”? Is that what they call this sort of thing on the blogs?) Here’s a choice quote: “John Mayer’s “Slow Dancing In a Burning Room” played on her CD changer.” Gubernatorial! Another: “After sliding the front seats of her SUV as far back as they would go, Nikki climbed on top of me – rubbing her crotch back and forth over the growing bulge in my pants while I groped her ass and ran my hands through her hair and up and down her back.” EWW, NIKKI HALEY HAS BACK HAIR? Oh, we misread that. Read more on Guy Who Says He Had Sex With Nikki Haley Writes Book, Releases Excerpt…