Our world’s benevolent Hive-Mind Artificial Intelligence God, “the Google,” keeps giving us special technological treats which actually enslave us — to make it exceptionally simple for “the Google” to lead us all to “data centers” for slaughter once it realizes the consumption of animal protein is a proven evolutionary tactic to grow larger, more complex brains. (Oh shit, probably shouldn’t have typed that! Good thing Google categorizes your Wonkette as satire … for now.) MORE »

When this BREAKING NEWS broke 40 minutes ago, Caroline Kennedy was dropping out of the whole “You know, I am famous, politically, so anoint me senator” deal for “personal reasons.” Ha, and now it turns out (according to the New York Post, which is apparently correct) the “reason” was she wasn’t the “person” Paterson will choose to run out Hillary Clinton’s term in the Senate. MORE »

OK here it goes, so stop sending the e-mails, please, about openly gay mayor Sam Adams of Portland, Oregon going “Full Portland” on a former male intern from his city commissioner days, who may have been 17 for like a day when they met. The HOOOOOT intern’s name is Beau Breedlove, which is hilarious, because he cannot breed. So now they will both go to jail for being gay. [Oregonian]

We have received a full 956 tips today about various clowns’ Twitter pages being hacked, including those of Barack Obama and Rick Sanchez, the King of Twitter. Someone thinks this official message from the Fox News about Bill “O Riley” indicates hacking, but what’s the excuse for “Turkey Taco Lettuce Wraps?” The more important question here is why anyone on this planet uses Twitter at all. (Except for Wonkette’s Twitter, which is just great.) [Towleroad]

• THIS WAS WHY PAUL KRUGMAN DID NOT WIN THE NOBEL PRIZE FOR LITERATURE: “Now, as we survey the wreckage and try to understand how things can have gone so wrong, so fast, the answer is actually quite simple: What we’re looking at now are the consequences of a world gone Madoff.” [NYT]

Good gravy, we really did not intend to do nothing today except make dirty jokes about lascivious demons with fiendishly specialized sexual equipment, but then Time throws out this headline, and what are we supposed to do, ignore it? The lower half of this photograph (not pictured) shows Barack Obama furtively shielding his genitals from Rod Blagojevich’s insidious, creeping taint. RUN, BARRY!!! [Time]

According to some Philadelphia CityPaper blog post we don’t really believe and can only half comprehend because the HTML is all broken because a million people must be trying to read this same important scandalous story right now, Barack Obama was seen in a gym somewhere using the failed Microsoft music player called “the Zune” — instead of the Apple Mac iPod, which is what fancy people use, because they are so classy with their taste and money. UPCOMING REVELATIONS: Obama wears Old Navy jeans, likes Coldplay, loved The Da Vinci Code, and thought Return of the Jedi was the best of the original trilogy, because of the Ewoks. [CityPaper & CityPaper]

Many independent voters in this election have had a particular lingering fear about Obama, and we’re not talking about him being black, Muslim, communist, socialist, gay, elitist, Palestinian, the Anti-Christ, French, well educated, a child molester, Hitler, Stalin, sexist, “uppity” or a magical space demon. It is about him being Hawaiian, which is NOT A STATE unless you think *pineapples* deserve their own state. Cokie Roberts tried to discuss this over the summer but got mocked by a bunch of mean liberals. But now it’s not very funny, is it, douchebags, since Barry Obama will usher in a wave of pineapples to Rule Washington in his flowery new homosexual government. MORE »

Yesterday all we knew about this fellow Chris Ortloff was that he had been arrested in a hotel room with some manner of sex devices on his person and an alleged intention to do dirty things to a minor or minors. Now we learn the nature of the devices (garden variety, alas) and the intended victims (fake 11- and 12-year-old sisters). MORE »

THIS IS A CHICAGO SUN-TIMES COLUMN TODAY: “Suppose Barack Obama had dumped a crippled wife and married a beer heiress one month after the divorce. Do you really think he wouldn’t have been tripped up by such a scandalous past? The Republicans would have had a field day mocking his character. But John McCain’s tawdry personal history is rarely mentioned.” [Mary Mitchell/Sun-Times]

Sarah Palin is proving she’s truly an Alaskan politician — you know, a corrupt hack! The McCain campaign says its celebrity idiot will not cooperate with the Troopergate investigation — you know, the legal investigation launched by Alaskan legislators because Palin did some weird crap with the Alaska state troopers. She replaced them all with her husband’s pot dealer or something, who knows, but it is super crooked and rotten and she is so much worse than Nixon and Stalin. [Associated Press]