Tag Archives: scandal

  chicken not looking forward to what comes next

IRSgate joins Solyndragate and Benghazigate in Fake Scandal Heaven

In addition to being a cosmic turd straight from Satan’s bunghole, Rep. Darrell Issa (R-CA) is now just a laughing stock on Capitol Hill. If anyone anywhere takes this clown seriously in the future, we will be shocked. How has Issa managed to make himself an even bigger fool, the kind of ass that everyone, even small children, stop to point and laugh at?  It all goes back to the IRS, and this non-scandal that Issa bet his entire reputation as Chair of the House Oversight & Government Reform Committee upon. Salon hits the nail on the head: Remember the IRS scandal? How the tax agency improperly singled out Tea Party groups for extra scrutiny in a nefarious political vendetta against conservatives because the agency is either inherently liberal or was acting on orders from the Democratic President? Remember how it cost even Mitt Romney the election? Well, as it turns out, that whole scandal is entirely bogus. False. A fiction. The entire notion that the agency singled out groups with “Tea Party” in their name in simply wrong, we learn today, thanks to new documents revealed by the Associated Press. The documents, and confirmation from officials, show the IRS targeted groups with other keywords in their names, including “Progressive” and “Occupy.” Hahahahahaha, suck it, Rep. Issa. And suck it all you teabagger crazies complaining about how much butthurt you went through while suffering from your goddam persecution complex. Turns out you are all a bunch of whiny babies who jumped the gun before all the facts were in, and now you look like completely incompetent political hacks who are better off crawling back to whatever cosmic bunghole you came from.  Let’s wonksplain further. Read more on IRSgate joins Solyndragate and Benghazigate in Fake Scandal Heaven…
  pass the popcorn

Was Hillary Too Busy Covering Up State Department’s Crackhead Pedobears To Stop Benghazi???

We are trying to read this CNN article about IMPEACH HILLARY’S BENGHINA!!!1! and it is just not making any sense to us. Here’s what we’ve got so far: There’s an as-yet unnamed whistle-blower (non-fame-whore variety, maybe) “who is a former senior inspector general investigator.” This person has retained a lawyer. This lawyer has shown CNN documents gathered by the whistle-blower APPEARING to show that Hillary Clinton’s State Department was a pretty fuckin wild place to work. The CNN article communicates this in bullet points, kind of, but what “memo” and what “ambassador” they’re talking about can at times be unclear. Best we can figure, the following is all self-evidently true and All Hillary Clinton’s Fault: Read more on Was Hillary Too Busy Covering Up State Department’s Crackhead Pedobears To Stop Benghazi???…
  vatileaks are nasty

Let’s All Blame The Gays For The Pope’s Retirement

Oh boy, here we go! This week may have started out all “slow-newsy-snoozey” but never fear, wonketteers! The fabulous ruby-slippered Pope’s retirement has become embroiled in a scandal described with words like “seething hotbed of intrigue and infighting.” What? Oh yes! Let the hunt for all double entendres possible commence! A potentially explosive report has linked the resignation of Pope Benedict XVI to the discovery of a network of gay prelates in the Vatican, some of whom – the report said – were being blackmailed by outsiders. The pope’s spokesman declined to confirm or deny the report, which was carried by the Italian daily newspaper La Repubblica. Declined to confirm or deny? Well that just begs for some rampant speculation — and innuendo, don’t forget that part — and let’s try to figure out what happened besides the obvious, which is that gays and their gayness ruin everything. Read more on Let’s All Blame The Gays For The Pope’s Retirement…
  blowvember

A Children’s Treasury Of Things In New SEC Lawsuit That Are More Hilarious Than Its Sex Triangle

Oh goody, another day, another set of government officials involved in a sex scandal. Rolling Stone brings us the ewww tale of SEC Inspector General David Kotz (ALLEGEDLY) boning every lawyer (like this pretty lady) with business before the agency, as well as his successor, Noelle Maloney, who then refused to meet with said lawyers because “DAVID WAS FUCKING THAT LADY!” Until we see pix, it’s no Broadwell-Kelley Tampa Tap-Out. So what else is in this 77 page whistleblower complaint, you might be wondering? Is it all seks and lies and intrigue? Well, sure there is some! But more hilarious are the accusations of gross malfeasance and incompetence, the likes of which (if true) may be egregious enough to compromise the functioning of Stock Exchange itself (to the degree that it functions right now, of course). No big deal though! Read more on A Children’s Treasury Of Things In New SEC Lawsuit That Are More Hilarious Than Its Sex Triangle…
  sexytime

Nation’s Sexiest Supervisor in Meth-Fueled Sex-Tape Sexytime

Do you see that lady? She is Nadia Lockyer, Alameda County, California, supervisor. Do you see that man? That is her husband, California state Treasurer Bill Lockyer. We know, right? So you could maybe understand why she has been having (allegedly) meth-feuled sex-tape sexytime with some dude she met in rehab (because of course), and then she (allegedly) straight-up beat that dude’s ass when it looked like he was still boning other ladies. Read more on Nation’s Sexiest Supervisor in Meth-Fueled Sex-Tape Sexytime…
  snowbilly book news

Todd Palin’s Alleged Prostitute Releasing Exciting Book About Sex With Todd Palin

Somehow, the Wasilla gravy train has finally run out of steam. What else can explain Todd Palin’s alleged Wasilla mistress/prostitute not getting a six-figure book deal for her story? America has finally grown tired of Sarah Palin and her snowbilly family’s oxycontin exploits. But, just in case you need a final dose, be sure to buy the hawt new paperback Boys Will Be Boys by Shailey Tripp. (Tripp?) Read more on Todd Palin’s Alleged Prostitute Releasing Exciting Book About Sex With Todd Palin…
  snowbilly divorce ethics

Sarah Palin Worried About Oil Money Conflict of Interest In Her Divorce

Way back in 2007, when Wonkette was literally the only national media actually covering Sarah Palin and her ridiculous role as John McCain’s vice-presidential candidate was still just a stain in Bill Kristol’s underroos, the Wasilla grifter was already planning her divorce from amiable extremist dolt Todd Palin. Emails finally released on Thursday show Sarah was scheming even then, and wondering if her divorce from Todd — a laborer on the North Slope oil fields — would somehow lead to charges of conflict of interest because of Governor Sarah’s “drill baby drill” policies. None of this makes any sense, because Sarah Palin is a lifelong idiot. But she is consistently phony and amoral, when it comes to “family values,” at least! Read more on Sarah Palin Worried About Oil Money Conflict of Interest In Her Divorce…
  lives of the gays

Mexico-Bashing Gay Arizona Sheriff Shares Tips On Forbidden Love

Recently outed gay Arizona sheriff Paul Babeu has some hot relationship tips about his longtime gay partner “Jose,” who was also a trusted political consultant for Babeu and even designed all of Babeu’s congressional campaign websites: Jose somehow secretly “wanted to harm me,” Babeu told CNN on Monday. If true, this follows the typical Republican foreign policy of bullying people from other countries and then threatening to bomb them for being upset about being bullied. Read more on Mexico-Bashing Gay Arizona Sheriff Shares Tips On Forbidden Love…
  triple play

Right-Wing Anti-Mexican Arizona Sheriff Has Gay Mexican Lover

Here is the hot American president’s day news for those of you who didn’t spend the weekend searching for “gay wingnut arizona sheriff tries to deport gay mexican lover” on Ask Jeeves: Beloved right-wing anti-Mexican Arizona sheriff Paul Babeu has been caught trying to deport his homosexual Mexican lover, because Paul Babeu is a homosexual with an unquenchable thirst for the semen of illegal Mexican men. It is very common for anti-Mexican Republicans to have undocumented Mexican servants and gardeners and nannies, of course, and it is exceedingly common — almost required by the RNC — for Republican politician men to be self-hating homosexuals, and it is utterly expected that any Republican in Arizona is going to be a comic book villain/idiot. But to get all three in one person (a sheriff, even!) running for Congress is just a bit overboard. Read more on Right-Wing Anti-Mexican Arizona Sheriff Has Gay Mexican Lover…
  amoral jewelry-debt piglets

Newt Gingrich Promises To Stop Cheating On His Wives & Stop Getting Divorces All the Time

Serial-divorcing creep Newt Gingrich just can’t stop taking advantage of the women who work for him — it’s the only way a toad like Newt can get any tail! — but this is apparently a problem with the conservative Family Values crowd. What to do? Well, this time, during his third marriage and after two divorces he instigated while carrying on affairs, old fatso the clown has sworn on a stack of bibles (literally, we’re sure) that he will stop fucking all these staffer women, and that he will stay married to that latest staffer woman he was schtupping while married to somebody else. Well these sound like excellent scruples, don’t they? Read more on Newt Gingrich Promises To Stop Cheating On His Wives & Stop Getting Divorces All the Time…
  saturday night dead

The Best of Saturday’s Painful GOP Idiot Debate (VIDEO)

The whole debate, in a minute! That’s as much time as anybody should really have to spend thinking about the latest Republican Dimbulb Derby, which was broadcast on Saturday night to an audience of people who were unable to find the remote. At least everybody piled on the fat crying amoral jewelry-debt baby Newt Gingrich, who was probably divorcing his latest wife via text message live on teevee. What else did the numbnuts say during Saturday’s GOP debate? The answers may repulse you! Read more on The Best of Saturday’s Painful GOP Idiot Debate (VIDEO)…
  so that's how twitter makes money

Herman Cain Hilariously Spending $$$ Trying To Distract Twitter Users

Hilarious has-been dumblebore Herman Cain will have to drop out of the “anybody but Romney” GOP primary because he has a very busy penis. But in the meantime, what better way to piss away all of his campaign donations than by purchasing a “promoted Tweet” that will sit proudly atop 10,000 Herman Cain sexytime jokes? [Twitter] Read more on Herman Cain Hilariously Spending $$$ Trying To Distract Twitter Users…
  godfather of love

Herman Cain About To Quit Because of Practicing His Love Too Much

Briefly popular ignoramus Herman Cain was already sinking in the GOP primary polls like every other random dingbat the party has puked up for consideration during this long, long 2012 campaign season. But the latest scandal, that he carried on a 13-year-long affair with a lady who was not his wife, seems to be enough to finish him off. In the “next several days,” Cain will decide whether he wants to go back to being a simple millionaire riding around in limos with all his ladies, promoting his books. Read more on Herman Cain About To Quit Because of Practicing His Love Too Much…
  republican family values

Lady Claims Whirlwind 13-Year Romance Affair With Herman Cain

A pretty lady claims she had a 13-year-long sexytime affair with Herman Cain, the chain restaurant executive who is apparently still running for president. Coincidentally, the lady claims Herman quit wanting to get sexytime with her just eight months ago, just before he launched his presidential campaign in May. Cain denies the sexytime, but says he knows the lady and was “just trying to help her financially,” which is a very kind thing to do! Who would not appreciate some financial help from a wealthy businessman like Herman Cain? And who among us would turn down maybe 13 years of getting busy with Herman Cain, for romantic reasons? Read more on Lady Claims Whirlwind 13-Year Romance Affair With Herman Cain…
  gays are everywhere!

Herman Cain Just Like Ronald Reagan (In Hiding Homosexual Staffers)

Herman Cain knows how to turn America into a vast nation of slobs who eat shitty take-out pizza (paid for with Social Security disability checks and Food Stamps) seven times a week. Why won’t Republicans make him the new president? Well for one thing, Herman Cain has a gang of radical homosexuals running his campaign. And Cain has been caught trying to cover up this gayness, probably because Karl Rove spread the word because if anyone knows where the GOP’s many powerful closeted homosexuals are hidden, it’s Karl Rove. (We’re just guessing here, based on decades of history.) Anyway, Herman Cain = Gay! Now it’s okay for Republican voters to officially denounce him, the way they couldn’t really do just because of that other thing right-wing Republicans don’t like. Read more on Herman Cain Just Like Ronald Reagan (In Hiding Homosexual Staffers)…
  world of fox news

Fox Clown Bill O’Reilly Goes Nuts When His Wife Dumps Him For a Cop

Narcissistic sex creep and fizzled-out teevee goon Bill O’Reilly apparently has a wife! Who would marry such a festering turd and try to compete with the attention of the mirror? And who would stay married to him after the worldwide exposure of his comically perverse sex tapes about a loofah, themselves the result of his constant sexual harassment of a female coworker? Anyway, now O’Reilly is accused of trying to use his local police department as a personal goon squad against his wife and one of the actual cops in that department, because that officer is supposedly the new boyfriend of Bill O’Reilly’s wife. God, these people are all so amoral and disgusting, they should all be dumped in the Lake of Fire (an active volcano): Read more on Fox Clown Bill O’Reilly Goes Nuts When His Wife Dumps Him For a Cop…
  republicans in the news

Gay Old Republican Lawmaker Caught With Male Hooker Is ‘Not Gay’

Formerly closeted gay Republican lawmaker Phil Hinkle was caught in a hotel with a male gay prostitute earlier this month, which was all obviously some kind of terrible mistake, the way yet another GOP representative (Indiana legislature, this time) has been caught with a rent boy. But now the Republican married straight lawmaker has at least admitted he paid the comely young man $80 for a “good time” but definitely didn’t do any gay things. Read more on Gay Old Republican Lawmaker Caught With Male Hooker Is ‘Not Gay’…
  the sperminator

Arnold Aide Says Governator Always Brought Lusty Ladies To Hotel

Arnold Schwarzenegger didn’t just bang his housekeepers all the time, while he was married to a woman apparently living in the same house. Arnold also had “CHP Dignitary Protection Services” officers deliver hot young club girls to the Hyatt in Sacramento where he lived while governatin’ and fornicatin’. This, according to political journals including the Daily Mail and National Enquirer, happened constantly. Some people just should not be allowed to have free time. Read more on Arnold Aide Says Governator Always Brought Lusty Ladies To Hotel…
  this explains the $500K 0% credit line

Bribery at Tiffany’s: Newt’s Latest Wife Did Tiffany’s Bidding

We thought Giant Whining Baby/Serial Divorcer Newt Gingrich had his half-million-dollar Tiffany’s credit line just because he always needs new engagement rings when he divorces his old, cancer-ridden wives for new, younger ladies he’s been schtupping for several years. But no, it’s actually sleazier than all that, because this is Newt Gingrich we’re talking about. Why did he get a very special $500,000 charge account from the jeweler with a truly spectacular 0% interest rate? Financial journalists are on the case, and they found out Newt’s current wife Callista used to be a “a high level staffer for the House Agriculture Committee, which oversees mining policy,” while a former Newt top staffer is now a top lobbyist for Tiffany’s. Because Tiffany’s mines silver on U.S. public lands, and Newt got Tiffany’s a very sweet deal to exploit America’s natural resources from America’s public lands, so that Tiffany executives and stockholders can make tens of millions of dollars every quarter by selling silver from public lands to rich douchesacks and ladder-climbing sociopaths. Read more on Bribery at Tiffany’s: Newt’s Latest Wife Did Tiffany’s Bidding…
  upsets

Democrat Lady Wins Congressional Seat In New York Backwater

Great news for the Democrats: They are once again winning congressional seats in weird rural areas full of old men in overalls plucking banjos from the comfort of sofas placed on sagging wooden porches. Even better news for the Women’s Movement: The Democrat who just won a rural upstate New York State congressional seat is a nice lady who isn’t mostly known for selling her invalid mother’s pain pills in a church’s gravel parking lot. So let’s all congratulate Kathy Hochul, who replaces Rep. Chris Lee, the man who spawned a million online jokes by flexing his abs into a bathroom mirror and then sending a pic of this middle-aged flesh display to a lady on Craigslist who then re-gifted it to the Internet. Read more on Democrat Lady Wins Congressional Seat In New York Backwater…
  ho's and money

Sexy John Ensign Resigns!

Corrupt horndog John Ensign is quitting on May 3 as Nevada’s “other senator,” because the Ethics Investigation against him is about to pull out some really slimy dealings. Good-bye, John! You were a terrible senator and you continue to be a terrible man. But why May 3? There’s got to be either a financial reason for this, or it’s when one of his affair gals is freed up for one of those Sandals all-inclusive island vacations. So much sexytime! Try to stop him now, Harry Reid! Read more on Sexy John Ensign Resigns!…
  republicans in the news

GOP Car Salesman/House Candidate Charged With Car-Lot Sex Attack

A grotesque 68-year-old car salesman, Republican “young gun” (?!) and failed Senate/House candidate from Ohio has been charged with “three felony charges of gross sexual imposition, and single counts of kidnapping, abduction, solicitation, and menacing by stalking.” Tea Party-endorsed Tom Ganley allegedly attacked a woman from Cleveland and stuck his hands down her pants after she refused his sexual advances, at a car dealership, where she was having her car serviced. During his campaign against Congresswoman Betty Sutton, Ganley redundantly described the sex-crime allegations against him as “lies, slander and false” and then helpfully explained that his victim was a Democrat, even though she’s a teabagger he met at a Tea Party rally. And then he threatened to sue his opponent when even more women came forward claiming that Ganley committed sex terribleness against them. Read more on GOP Car Salesman/House Candidate Charged With Car-Lot Sex Attack…