Tag Archives: scandal

  the intersection of failure and more failure

Walking Failure Darrell Issa To Investigate Census Bureau Now, Why Not

Well what do you know. Looks like our Kenyan Savior and Guiding Star Of Socialism Barack Mao Tsebama has been up to no good. Or at least, his minions have been snookering and hoodwinking us by manipulating the data. According to the New York Post, the Census Bureau was cooking the books on the monthly jobs data in the months leading up to the election, allegedly making the unemployment numbers seem better than they actually were! But fear not! Congress shall investimigate this latest SCANDAL, and that means only one thing: Rep. Darrell Issa is on the case. And this time, he decided to bring that goalie from the Mighty Ducks film, Rep. Blake Farenthold (R-TX), to help share the blame when all this turns out to be a big pile of nothingness. Which, of course it inevitably will be, because Issa is a terrible person who is also very incompetent at his job.  Read more on Walking Failure Darrell Issa To Investigate Census Bureau Now, Why Not…
  and he texts...just like a woman

Why Doesn’t Cory Booker Sexually Harass Women Better, Asks Dude Fired Just For Being Normal And Straight

An aide to New Jersey Republican senatorial candidate Steve Lonegan got himself fired yesterday following a bizarre, obscenity-filled rant against Democratic candidate Cory Booker. When are political types going to realize that bizarre, obscenity-filled rants are serious business, and should best be left to professionals like Yr Wonkette? In the interview with Talking Points Memo’s Hunter Walker, who is making rather a cottage industry of them, Lonegan staffer Rick Shaftan speculated that voters would reject Booker because of his tweeted flirtations with Lynsie Lee, a stripper in Oregon — not because Booker chatted with a stripper, but because he failed to sexually harass Lee properly, which Shaftan considered pretty suspicious, and maybe even kind of faggy. Read more on Why Doesn’t Cory Booker Sexually Harass Women Better, Asks Dude Fired Just For Being Normal And Straight…
  what a snob

Kentucky Republicans Post Gotcha Vid Of Senate Candidate Riding In Back Seat Of Own Car Like Some La Dee Da Princess Lady

Kentucky Democrats can say goodbye to any hope of ousting Mitch McConnell, now that the state’s chapter of College Republicans have posted this shocking video of Kentucky Secretary of State and senatorial candidate Alison Lundergan Grimes being picked up at the airport by her husband. The video shows her sitting in the back seat of the couple’s black Suburban as her husband puts her luggage in the back. The nerve of that woman! The College Republicans’ press release gasps: We think you’ll agree – this.is.weird. We couldn’t agree more. Who the hell uses hipster emphasis periods without capitalizing or spacing? That. Is. Stupid. Read more on Kentucky Republicans Post Gotcha Vid Of Senate Candidate Riding In Back Seat Of Own Car Like Some La Dee Da Princess Lady…
  better than poor old octomom

Sydney Leathers Is Your Newest Octomom, With The Pornos, And The Sad

Aww yeah — Anthony Weiner’s delightfully zaftig, beach flopping, tatted-up phone-sexting partner Sydney Leathers has gone and made herself a porno! And what pray-tell is the gal who declared that dear old Carlos Danger is “too busy jacking off to be mayor” doing in said video? Why jacking off of course! And just how many ways can we say ‘saw that coming’ har-har? Yes, Sydney’s solo-porn is already done and up on Vivid’s website, ready for your pay-per-perusal. We do not know how much money she was paid yet, so we aren’t sure how appalled we are — but hey, you know, good for you Syd — what 23-year-old doesn’t dream of becoming one of 6 to 10 girls sexted at by an ex-congressman about her big old feet, boobs and butt? And then getting appropriate representation so that you may profit from said dalliances? Well done, Sydney Leathers, well done. Really makes Fawn Hall and Donna Rice look silly with their “No Excuses” jeans, and do NOT get us started with those purses Monica did. Read more on Sydney Leathers Is Your Newest Octomom, With The Pornos, And The Sad…
  that chicken knows whats coming

Darrell Issa Not Desperate At All In Opening New IRS Investigation

Noted Congressional assclown and unconfirmed cosmic turd Darrell Issa (R-Satan’s Bunghole) is back to his old shenanigans where he opens his mouthhole with gibberish sounds that will likely be proven false by the time you finish reading this post. It must be a day! What is California’s most repulsive gift to society doing this time? More about the IRS, of course. Per The Hill: The IRS subjected conservative groups already granted tax-exempt status to additional scrutiny during the 2012 election cycle, House Oversight Committee Chairman Darrell Issa (R-Calif.) charged on Monday. Issa called on a Treasury watchdog already looking into the IRS to investigate the matter, and signaled he would expand his committee’s probe into improper targeting of political groups given the new revelations. Read more on Darrell Issa Not Desperate At All In Opening New IRS Investigation…
  there are no wieners in this game

Here Are Your Strange Anthony Weiner Photoshop Contest Things, Congratulations, You All Lost

Hey, Wonkers, we know we said we’d be giving somebody second place in our Anthony Weiner Photoshop Extravaganza (first place went to shirtlesselfiedarth™ already, for the image we used to announce the contest), but at the very moment we were judging the entries, the Sekrit Chatcave was overwhelmed by an essay containing such epic grad-student jargon and whininess that it just put all your little dick jokes into perspective and made us realize that none of your efforts, not even SayItWithWookies’ Dali-themed Blingee above (we especially like the ’61 Chevy lowrider), could possibly add anything to The Discourse ever again — not that you are supposed to add to the discourse, because that is appropriative, and also theft. And so, the winner of our photoshop contest and all other photoshop contests forever, even at other blogs, is Jessie-Lane Metz, for her outstanding contribution to surrealism titled “Ally-phobia: On the Trayvon Martin Ruling, White Feminism, and the Worst of Best Intentions.” Yes, we recognize that technically, it is not a “photoshop” and it is not “about” Anthony Weiner, but it is far more hilarious and bizarre than any of your actual entries. Also, TRIGGER WARNING. Read more on Here Are Your Strange Anthony Weiner Photoshop Contest Things, Congratulations, You All Lost…
  he's a man who lived a life of danger

Slate Widget Claims Anthony Weiner Killed Andrew Breitbart

So we thought we’d pretty much exhausted the available fun from Slate’s amusing little “make up a Carlos Danger name for yourself” toy, which is good for literally minutes of hilarity. And then in the Sekrit Chatcave, Editrix Rolando Menace called our attention to a tip from Wonkette Operative Miguel Ángel Catastrophe, and said “Hey, Doktor Emilio Scourge, go check that out!” And check it out we did! Aaaand… it’s either a really happy accident, or somebody really wanted to remind the world that Andrew Breitbart is still dead. Read more on Slate Widget Claims Anthony Weiner Killed Andrew Breitbart…
  weni-leaks

Here Is Your Inevitable Anthony Weiner Photomagraphic Sexting Contest, America!

Well, thank you very much, disgraced former Congressman Anthony Weiner, and thank YOU very much, Internet. We were just getting ready to sit down and do a thoughtful, nuanced, brilliantly satirical post about that New York Times story on Goldman Sachs manipulating the aluminum market, complete with elaborate Catch-22 references because the whole rotten scheme reeks of Milo Minderbinder getting rich buying eggs for seven cents and selling them for four cents… and then you go and throw Anthony Weiner’s Sexting, Part Two (Electric Boogaloo) in our faces again and all we can think of is “Eww, get that out of our faces,” and “Haw-Haw, Goldman Sacks!” REAL MATURE, AMERICA. Read more on Here Is Your Inevitable Anthony Weiner Photomagraphic Sexting Contest, America!…
  when will this long national nightmare be over

Oh Look Darrell Issa Is Lying Again, Part One Million Seven Hundred Sixty Thousand Seventy Two

Ugh. We thought we were done with this IRSgate bullshit, since now Rep. Darrell Issa (R-Satan’s Bunghole) has been outed as Congress’s biggest assclown, whom no one should take seriously ever again. (Haha, “ever again” assumes facts not in evidence. Law talk!) But it seems that the non-scandal is turning out to be a scandal again, except it’s because Darrell Issa seemed to manufacture the first non-scandal, because he is a shitty human being and all. This has become a giant confusing clusterfuck of awfulness, and we are getting really tired of more awful people getting involved and ruining our day-drinking. Here’s the latest. Democrats are upset because contrary to the report prepared by the IRS Inspector General, the IRS didn’t just target Tea Party nutjobs, but also looked at progressive groups. When asked about it, IRS IG J. George Russell’s office explained that they only looked at Tea Party groups because that’s all Rep. Issa asked them to look at. THE FUCK, REALLY?  Read more on Oh Look Darrell Issa Is Lying Again, Part One Million Seven Hundred Sixty Thousand Seventy Two…
  chicken not looking forward to what comes next

IRSgate joins Solyndragate and Benghazigate in Fake Scandal Heaven

In addition to being a cosmic turd straight from Satan’s bunghole, Rep. Darrell Issa (R-CA) is now just a laughing stock on Capitol Hill. If anyone anywhere takes this clown seriously in the future, we will be shocked. How has Issa managed to make himself an even bigger fool, the kind of ass that everyone, even small children, stop to point and laugh at?  It all goes back to the IRS, and this non-scandal that Issa bet his entire reputation as Chair of the House Oversight & Government Reform Committee upon. Salon hits the nail on the head: Remember the IRS scandal? How the tax agency improperly singled out Tea Party groups for extra scrutiny in a nefarious political vendetta against conservatives because the agency is either inherently liberal or was acting on orders from the Democratic President? Remember how it cost even Mitt Romney the election? Well, as it turns out, that whole scandal is entirely bogus. False. A fiction. The entire notion that the agency singled out groups with “Tea Party” in their name in simply wrong, we learn today, thanks to new documents revealed by the Associated Press. The documents, and confirmation from officials, show the IRS targeted groups with other keywords in their names, including “Progressive” and “Occupy.” Hahahahahaha, suck it, Rep. Issa. And suck it all you teabagger crazies complaining about how much butthurt you went through while suffering from your goddam persecution complex. Turns out you are all a bunch of whiny babies who jumped the gun before all the facts were in, and now you look like completely incompetent political hacks who are better off crawling back to whatever cosmic bunghole you came from.  Let’s wonksplain further. Read more on IRSgate joins Solyndragate and Benghazigate in Fake Scandal Heaven…
  pass the popcorn

Was Hillary Too Busy Covering Up State Department’s Crackhead Pedobears To Stop Benghazi???

We are trying to read this CNN article about IMPEACH HILLARY’S BENGHINA!!!1! and it is just not making any sense to us. Here’s what we’ve got so far: There’s an as-yet unnamed whistle-blower (non-fame-whore variety, maybe) “who is a former senior inspector general investigator.” This person has retained a lawyer. This lawyer has shown CNN documents gathered by the whistle-blower APPEARING to show that Hillary Clinton’s State Department was a pretty fuckin wild place to work. The CNN article communicates this in bullet points, kind of, but what “memo” and what “ambassador” they’re talking about can at times be unclear. Best we can figure, the following is all self-evidently true and All Hillary Clinton’s Fault: Read more on Was Hillary Too Busy Covering Up State Department’s Crackhead Pedobears To Stop Benghazi???…
  vatileaks are nasty

Let’s All Blame The Gays For The Pope’s Retirement

Oh boy, here we go! This week may have started out all “slow-newsy-snoozey” but never fear, wonketteers! The fabulous ruby-slippered Pope’s retirement has become embroiled in a scandal described with words like “seething hotbed of intrigue and infighting.” What? Oh yes! Let the hunt for all double entendres possible commence! A potentially explosive report has linked the resignation of Pope Benedict XVI to the discovery of a network of gay prelates in the Vatican, some of whom – the report said – were being blackmailed by outsiders. The pope’s spokesman declined to confirm or deny the report, which was carried by the Italian daily newspaper La Repubblica. Declined to confirm or deny? Well that just begs for some rampant speculation — and innuendo, don’t forget that part — and let’s try to figure out what happened besides the obvious, which is that gays and their gayness ruin everything. Read more on Let’s All Blame The Gays For The Pope’s Retirement…
  blowvember

A Children’s Treasury Of Things In New SEC Lawsuit That Are More Hilarious Than Its Sex Triangle

Oh goody, another day, another set of government officials involved in a sex scandal. Rolling Stone brings us the ewww tale of SEC Inspector General David Kotz (ALLEGEDLY) boning every lawyer (like this pretty lady) with business before the agency, as well as his successor, Noelle Maloney, who then refused to meet with said lawyers because “DAVID WAS FUCKING THAT LADY!” Until we see pix, it’s no Broadwell-Kelley Tampa Tap-Out. So what else is in this 77 page whistleblower complaint, you might be wondering? Is it all seks and lies and intrigue? Well, sure there is some! But more hilarious are the accusations of gross malfeasance and incompetence, the likes of which (if true) may be egregious enough to compromise the functioning of Stock Exchange itself (to the degree that it functions right now, of course). No big deal though! Read more on A Children’s Treasury Of Things In New SEC Lawsuit That Are More Hilarious Than Its Sex Triangle…
  sexytime

Nation’s Sexiest Supervisor in Meth-Fueled Sex-Tape Sexytime

Do you see that lady? She is Nadia Lockyer, Alameda County, California, supervisor. Do you see that man? That is her husband, California state Treasurer Bill Lockyer. We know, right? So you could maybe understand why she has been having (allegedly) meth-feuled sex-tape sexytime with some dude she met in rehab (because of course), and then she (allegedly) straight-up beat that dude’s ass when it looked like he was still boning other ladies. Read more on Nation’s Sexiest Supervisor in Meth-Fueled Sex-Tape Sexytime…
  snowbilly book news

Todd Palin’s Alleged Prostitute Releasing Exciting Book About Sex With Todd Palin

Somehow, the Wasilla gravy train has finally run out of steam. What else can explain Todd Palin’s alleged Wasilla mistress/prostitute not getting a six-figure book deal for her story? America has finally grown tired of Sarah Palin and her snowbilly family’s oxycontin exploits. But, just in case you need a final dose, be sure to buy the hawt new paperback Boys Will Be Boys by Shailey Tripp. (Tripp?) Read more on Todd Palin’s Alleged Prostitute Releasing Exciting Book About Sex With Todd Palin…
  snowbilly divorce ethics

Sarah Palin Worried About Oil Money Conflict of Interest In Her Divorce

Way back in 2007, when Wonkette was literally the only national media actually covering Sarah Palin and her ridiculous role as John McCain’s vice-presidential candidate was still just a stain in Bill Kristol’s underroos, the Wasilla grifter was already planning her divorce from amiable extremist dolt Todd Palin. Emails finally released on Thursday show Sarah was scheming even then, and wondering if her divorce from Todd — a laborer on the North Slope oil fields — would somehow lead to charges of conflict of interest because of Governor Sarah’s “drill baby drill” policies. None of this makes any sense, because Sarah Palin is a lifelong idiot. But she is consistently phony and amoral, when it comes to “family values,” at least! Read more on Sarah Palin Worried About Oil Money Conflict of Interest In Her Divorce…