Tag Archives: scandal

  Won't Someone Think Of The Soccer Moms?

Head Foot-The-Ball Guy Resigns In Huge FIFA Scandal We All Care About Very Much

Art swiped shamelessly from the incomparable Bill Griffith. OK, with some shame.
Wow, have you been following the incredibly fascinating FIFA scandal as closely as we have? As sports-related fuck-tussles go, it’s like the Chicago Black Sox times DeflateGate plus BENGHAZI! It’s all about corruption and bribery in the governing body for soccer, or “real football,” which is a sport that the rest of the world has had wars over, and which Americans grudgingly haul their children to practice for in minivans, until they decide soccer is uncool and they’d rather spend all their time playing videogames and masturbating. Anyway, last week the U.S. Justice Department, in cooperation with Swiss authorities, arrested and indicted a whole bunch of FIFA officials on big-time corruption charges. And now, because the ongoing investigation has begun to maybe implicate FIFA’s president, Sepp Blatter, we learned Tuesday that Sepp Blatter is resigning as president of FIFA, which means we won’t have Sepp Blatter to kick around anymore, which is sad considering that kids in poor third-world slums actually play soccer by kicking around an inflated sepp bladder. It’s all they have. Read more on Head Foot-The-Ball Guy Resigns In Huge FIFA Scandal We All Care About Very Much…
  A massage to India

Aaron Schock Snuck Hot Male Personal Photographer On India Trip, How Romantic!

Rude journalists are just out for Illinois Congresscritter Aaron Schock’s blood these days, scouring his Instagram for pictures that look like they came from sexy, unreported trips that the taxpayers might have bought for him, due to what seems to be a pattern of ethics violations and questionable spending, and by golly it looks like they found another one! Read more on Aaron Schock Snuck Hot Male Personal Photographer On India Trip, How Romantic!…
  Here have some news n stuff

Not Ready For Hillary? Too Bad, Facebook Already Made Her President

Up to no good, maybe or maybe not
In case you didn’t get the memo, it is already 2016. It is soooooo already 2016. In fact, Facebook is already projecting the winner of the next presidential election, so everyone else who’s just getting started on teasing about hinting about exploring the idea of thinking about announcing a run for the White House can just pack up and go home because it’s already over. According to ABC News, this BREAKING! EXCLUSIVE!!! information shows that — hang on to your hats, folks, this is big — Hillary Clinton has more likes and interactions on Facebook than any of those Republican also-rans, so we can pretty much call it a day and start practicing saying Madam President.Guess it’s pretty convenient we didn’t even have to bother voting, huh? Read more on Not Ready For Hillary? Too Bad, Facebook Already Made Her President…
  Another Beneficiary Of Wingnut Welfare

Allen West To Head Up ‘Think’ Tank. Stop Laughing, You Guys, It’s Not Funny.

Finally a place for his talents
Congratulations to disgraced torturer ex-Rep. Allen West on finding a jerb! (We were going to say “honest work,” but this is Allen West we’re talking about, after all.) According to a big ol’ press release, come Jan. 2, 2015, the former disgraced colonel and former one-term congressman will become CEO of the “National Center for Policy Analysis,” a Dallas-based think tank that shills for the oil and insurance industries and thinks that global warming is a big conspiracy. And yes, it probably gets money from Koch Industries, too. Read more on Allen West To Head Up ‘Think’ Tank. Stop Laughing, You Guys, It’s Not Funny….
  cocktober surprise

Terrible Obama Covers Up 25-Year-Old Volunteer Gettin’ It Wet With Prosties

There are very few pulp novels about Cartagena. Market opportunity!
We are apparently supposed to be outraged and scandalized by this new wrinkle on the 2012 Secret Service Sexxytime Scandal: It wasn’t just Secret Service agents foolin’ around with hookers before Barack Obama’s April 2012 trip to Cartagena, Colombia. According to yesterday’s Washington Post, a 25-year-old volunteer traveling with the White House advance team got it on with a prostitute, just like the Secret Service did, even though the White House has always said that no members of the White House advance staff were involved. The volunteer, Jonathan Dach, isn’t talking, but his attorney has denied that Dach hired a prostitute or did anything in his hotel bed other than sleep, eat, and maybe make a little tent. Read more on Terrible Obama Covers Up 25-Year-Old Volunteer Gettin’ It Wet With Prosties…
  only a slightly bigger mess than postwar iraq

Eric Shinseki Falls On Sword After V.A. Scandal, Will Have To Wait 3 Months For Treatment

Eric Shinseki resigned this morning as Secretary of Veterans Affairs, so all the problems at the V.A. are probably fixed; expect his replacement to be unacceptable to Senate Republicans, or for wingnuts to call for Barack Hussein Obama himself to step down, or at the very least to tell the truth about Benghazi and repeal Obamacare. Read more on Eric Shinseki Falls On Sword After V.A. Scandal, Will Have To Wait 3 Months For Treatment…
  frankenboobs

Al Franken’s GOP Opponent Outraged By His Unspeakable Attack On Women With Traffic Cone Boobies

The other day, we brought you the most serious scandal of the 2014 midterms so far: the revelation that in 2012, Al Franken held two small traffic cones to his chest as if they were boobies. After the story was broken by Dead Breitbart’s Internet Home for Incoherent Outraged Babbling, it made its way to the campaign office of one of the Republican candidates hoping to take on Franken in the fall, Minnesota state Sen. Julianne Ortman, who tossed it onto her FacePlace page with the accusation that Franken “doesn’t take women seriously.” Which is so very true, because in 1970-something he made a really dumb rape joke during an SNL writers’ meeting, which is the only thing you need to know about Al Franken and his attitudes toward women. Certainly nothing he’s done in the Senate — like his amendment banning the government from contracting with companies that try to keep women from pursuing rape cases, or his support for equal pay, or his support for stronger domestic violence protections — can ever make up for that. But yes, if you are offended by Franken’s misuse of traffic cones, sign the petition — which is, of course, just a link to get you on Ortman’s mailing list. On the other hand, we suppose we agree that it’s not all that funny, but who knows what he was saying — it might have totally reframed the traffic-cones-as-boobs visuals in a brilliantly satirical ironic context. Clearly, an investigation is needed. Read more on Al Franken’s GOP Opponent Outraged By His Unspeakable Attack On Women With Traffic Cone Boobies…
  wad!

Wonkette After Dark: Vance McAllister’s Romance McFailister, Miley Pelosi, & More!

Vance McAllister has allegedly kissed his own staff! Wow, way to go Stretch! No, we are joking, we know Vance McAllister didn’t finally master yoga’s forbidden Contented Dog, he was merely allegedly kissing a lady he shouldna been kissing. Yes, a kissing scandal. You probably have to go back to the first Cleveland administration to find a quainter tale of martial infidelity among the power elite. From the video, it looked like he had a shot at second base, don’t you think? Now, to us, marital infidelity is one thing — you can decide for yourself if you wouldn’t vote for a guy or gal who says one thing and sucks another — but when McAllister started talking about getting the FBI involved, thus guaranteeing a fresh round of headlines with his name in them next to words like “Wants To Get The FBI Involved In His CHEATING SCANDAL,” that’s when we knew we were dealing with a special kind of ass. Now, onto Sexy Miley Pelosi. Sexy Miley Pelosi is a gross maybe NSFW thing that we will show you. Read more on Wonkette After Dark: Vance McAllister’s Romance McFailister, Miley Pelosi, & More!…
  sucks lies and videotape

Married Congressman Vance McAllister Fires Lady He Was Kissing On For Being Too Much Of A Slut

Here at Yr Wonkette, we are proud to bring you all the Vance McAllister news you can possibly stomach, which we figure is probably about 600 words and change. McAllister, as you are no doubt aware, is the nice Family Values Christian guy who won Louisiana’s 5th district in a special election last November, then promptly was videotaped getting all smoochyfacey with aide Melissa Anne Hixon Peacock on December 23, because it was the season of giving. Mostly tongue, judging by the video. So what’s up with Mr. “I have done wrong please forgive me and I need your prayers” today? Read more on Married Congressman Vance McAllister Fires Lady He Was Kissing On For Being Too Much Of A Slut…
  wad!

Wonkette After Dark: Your Politician Sex Scandal Choose Your Own Word-Lib!

Is it just us, or has it been a long time since we had a really revolting sex scandal? What was the last one, Bob Filner? That was a “good” one. We are trying to remember before that but Big Dave Petraeus, Mark “Soul Mate” Sanford, and Mr. Wide Stance Bromance Larry Craig are all mashed together in the men’s room of our memory. Maybe those weren’t all revolting, but a lot of words were writ upon the subject of their humpings, so many that we got bored, even of the Petraeus one which was fairly actually sexy. (Mark Sanford actually got himself elected to Congress not too long ago, remember that? Cripes.) Oh yeah, Anthony Weiner, almost forgot! So, so blissfully close to forgetting… So anyway, we figured — rather than wait for the next spectacular lapse of self-control, let’s just make up our own! We have written a story like one you might read on a real news place. After the jump, you can Fill In The Blanks of our story to create your very own juvenile political sex scandal, probably with the word “penis” in every sentence. Penis is not even a verb, guys, come on. Read more on Wonkette After Dark: Your Politician Sex Scandal Choose Your Own Word-Lib!…
  note to bezos: fire george will

George Will Remains Blissfully Unaware IRS Scandal Was Never A Real Thing

George Will sucks. He has managed to garble together some wordthings in the Washington Post about Lois Lerner and the IRS scandal, and eleventy million percent of them are full of suckitude. It is like a universal ball of suck shat out a person-sized suck-turd and named it George Will, and now we are stuck with his godawful word salad of putridness. Apparently masquerading as a mouthpiece for Congressional Assclown Extraordinaire Darrell Issa, George Will wrote: [Lois Lerner] knows what her IRS unit did and how it intersects with the law, and for a second time she has exercised her constitutional right to remain silent rather than risk self-incrimination. The public has a right to make reasonable inferences from her behavior. This is exactly what Jesus H. Washington Jefferson Lincoln had in mind when He drafted the amendments. Clearly, in America, the public has the right… nay, the Constitutional obligation to presume guilt before weighing any actual evidence. Guilty until proven innocent in the “press,” right? Read more on George Will Remains Blissfully Unaware IRS Scandal Was Never A Real Thing…
  gnomes

Republicans Wasting $14 Million On IRS Non-Scandal Investigation. Food Stamps Still Being Cut.

Hey look! It’s another day, so let’s talk more about the IRS non-scandal, because apparently there is no end to the Republican appetite for self-embarrassment. As we all know, there has been absolutely no evidence of wrongdoing by the IRS in the whole kerfuffle over targeting Tea Party groups’ tax-exempt status. But you can’t put a price on liberty, and it’s not like Congress is wasting literally millions of taxpayer dollars on this fruitless witch hunt, right? IRS Commissioner John Koskinen [released a letter] documenting the significant funds expended by the IRS in responding to Congressional inquiries to date, including $8 million in direct costs—such as salaries, benefits, and travel—and an additional $6 million to $8 million to add capacity to information technology systems to process materials to investigators. For that kind of money, we would buy the finest muffins and bagels in all the land. And then we would gay marry every lawn gnome in America! Holy waste, fraud, and abuse, wonketeers! Let’s scandalsplore.  Read more on Republicans Wasting $14 Million On IRS Non-Scandal Investigation. Food Stamps Still Being Cut….
  wonksplainer

Here Is Exactly How The IRS Is Going To Put All The Tea Party Groups In FEMA Camps: A Wonksplainer

Sigh. We thought this whole IRS scandal-not-scandal was over and done with. You know, the one where Tea Party groups turned the butthurt up to eleven because the IRS decided to see if they were being honest in their tax-exempt applications (hint: they weren’t). Even though some groups faced extra scrutiny, we learned that many other groups – including liberal and hard-to-define-on-the-political-spectrum groups — also faced scrutiny from the IRS. It seems that the GOP just can’t quit you victimhood. The IRS is seeking to clarify rules around what these tax-exempt organizations (known as 501(c)4 organizations because of the specific tax exemption they are seeking) can do as far as politicking and not paying taxes. But according to the GOP, via Fox News: “This proposed rule is an affront to free speech itself,” [GOP] lawmakers wrote in a letter to IRS Commissioner John Koskinen. Did you know that the IRS can completely override the First Amendment? We didn’t either, because this is a total bullshit exercise by the GOP to desperately hang on to a non-scandal in order to excite the tin-foil-hat-wearing wing of the party, meaning ALL OF THEM. Wonksplanation ahead. Read more on Here Is Exactly How The IRS Is Going To Put All The Tea Party Groups In FEMA Camps: A Wonksplainer…
  the intersection of failure and more failure

Walking Failure Darrell Issa To Investigate Census Bureau Now, Why Not

Well what do you know. Looks like our Kenyan Savior and Guiding Star Of Socialism Barack Mao Tsebama has been up to no good. Or at least, his minions have been snookering and hoodwinking us by manipulating the data. According to the New York Post, the Census Bureau was cooking the books on the monthly jobs data in the months leading up to the election, allegedly making the unemployment numbers seem better than they actually were! But fear not! Congress shall investimigate this latest SCANDAL, and that means only one thing: Rep. Darrell Issa is on the case. And this time, he decided to bring that goalie from the Mighty Ducks film, Rep. Blake Farenthold (R-TX), to help share the blame when all this turns out to be a big pile of nothingness. Which, of course it inevitably will be, because Issa is a terrible person who is also very incompetent at his job.  Read more on Walking Failure Darrell Issa To Investigate Census Bureau Now, Why Not…
  and he texts...just like a woman

Why Doesn’t Cory Booker Sexually Harass Women Better, Asks Dude Fired Just For Being Normal And Straight

An aide to New Jersey Republican senatorial candidate Steve Lonegan got himself fired yesterday following a bizarre, obscenity-filled rant against Democratic candidate Cory Booker. When are political types going to realize that bizarre, obscenity-filled rants are serious business, and should best be left to professionals like Yr Wonkette? In the interview with Talking Points Memo’s Hunter Walker, who is making rather a cottage industry of them, Lonegan staffer Rick Shaftan speculated that voters would reject Booker because of his tweeted flirtations with Lynsie Lee, a stripper in Oregon — not because Booker chatted with a stripper, but because he failed to sexually harass Lee properly, which Shaftan considered pretty suspicious, and maybe even kind of faggy. Read more on Why Doesn’t Cory Booker Sexually Harass Women Better, Asks Dude Fired Just For Being Normal And Straight…
  what a snob

Kentucky Republicans Post Gotcha Vid Of Senate Candidate Riding In Back Seat Of Own Car Like Some La Dee Da Princess Lady

Kentucky Democrats can say goodbye to any hope of ousting Mitch McConnell, now that the state’s chapter of College Republicans have posted this shocking video of Kentucky Secretary of State and senatorial candidate Alison Lundergan Grimes being picked up at the airport by her husband. The video shows her sitting in the back seat of the couple’s black Suburban as her husband puts her luggage in the back. The nerve of that woman! The College Republicans’ press release gasps: We think you’ll agree – this.is.weird. We couldn’t agree more. Who the hell uses hipster emphasis periods without capitalizing or spacing? That. Is. Stupid. Read more on Kentucky Republicans Post Gotcha Vid Of Senate Candidate Riding In Back Seat Of Own Car Like Some La Dee Da Princess Lady…