Wonkette

The Pentagon lied again today, saying the operation to nuke the poisonous satellite of death “appears to have succeeded in destroying a tank filled with toxic rocket fuel.” Well whoop-de-doo, because this threat is far from over: “Most of the debris, the statement said, already re-entered the atmosphere or would within coming weeks.” MORE »

SAFE … FOR NOW: The Pentagon claims it shot down the Satellite of Death about an hour ago, somewhere west of Hawaii (coincidence?), and now we will not die, at least not tonight, because it’s pretty much tomorrow already. ALSO: Did you people see that Blood Red Lunar Eclipse? Awesomeness. [CNN/AP}

NASA is rushing the Space Shuttle Atlantis back to Earth on Wednesday so the mad scientists at the Pentagon can try to shoot a monstrous poisonous spy satellite out of the sky before it crashes back to America and kills us all. The broken 5,000-lb. space robot is completely out of control and is spinning back to its planetary home far faster than originally guessed, which is why the Defense Department needs to shoot a war missile into space this Thursday to blow up the thing and scare the bejesus out of all the other nations of Earth.

The situation is so grim that the already dangerous space shuttle needs to get out of orbit and land before this doomed Star Wars exercise that will probably fill low-Earth orbit with tons of deadly space junk that will make it impossible for Earthlings to ever escape this imperiled planet. That’s why NASA is preparing for landings at either Kennedy Space Center in Florida or Edwards AFB in California’s Mojave Desert. The shuttle has three landing windows before the Pentagon begins its Space Assault.

Also, Wednesday night will feature an ominous Full Moon Lunar Eclipse, so the Moon will turn blood red at 10 p.m. Eastern (7 p.m. Pacific Time) and remind us all of our fate, which is too terrible to mention.

Satellite Shooting Is Next As Shuttle Heads Home [NY Times]

MORE »

Washington has a plan to save us from the 5,000-pound satellite that will crash back to Earth in a few weeks and kill most Americans: The Pentagon is going to fire a missile at the out-of-control bus-sized piece of toxic space junk! If it works, we might survive until one of the other thousands of satellites crash back to Earth and kill us all. MORE »

Remember that “size of a bus” spy satellite that is now plummeting out of control and will pretty soon smash into Earth, possibly killing off the dinosaurs? The Pentagon now says that the monstrous hunk of space garbage is probably going to hit America — possibly Mexico or Canada, but the government’s karmic probability models say the USA “deserves” it. [The Register/K.C. Star]

ALSO, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE: A massive American spy satellite filled with poison has lost control and will smash into Earth next month. “The satellite, which no longer can be controlled, could contain hazardous materials, and it is unknown where on the planet it might come down.” So it really doesn’t matter who wins Super Duper Tuesday [MSNBC}