Wonkette

In an attempt to quell angry God people from getting all self-righteous (good luck!), Mitt Romney held an invitation-only event with students, faculty and alumni of Bob Jones University Tuesday. Guess he figured that since it was a closed event, whatever private revelations about his campaign that would be discussed would never in a million years reach the press. And who wouldn’t believe that!? Sure enough, some sleuth at the meeting sneaked in an “audio recording device” — they can tape soundz people make! — and leaked it to CNN. Basic point: School Chancellor Bob Jones III endorsed Mitt Romney but by and large hates him. MORE »

As if losing the Pat Robertson endorsement wasn’t enough of a blow to Mitt Romney’s social conservative credo, CBS News captured Mitt Romney engaging in some Wiccan black magic voodoo-sins last night in Greenville, South Carolina: Gluttony! Lust! Not Knowing What a Life-Size Banana Looks Like And Calling It A Pepper Instead! MORE »

Yesterday’s Washington Post tackled the awkward question many Americans face every time they go to the mall: Why do 11-year-old girls dress like such sluts? Does it have to do with the Internet, which Brian Williams called “a cultural Wild West” during last night’s debate? Or maybe it has something to do with, let’s see… THE DARK LORD SATAN? If you’re inclined to believe the Christian Broadcasting Network, which we’re not, Lucifer is definitely picking out preteen wardrobes these days — especially on Halloween. MORE »

Sweet Ares! We’ve been so caught up covering the conservatives’ Wars on Islamo-Fascism and Anti-Christmas and the liberals’ War on Butter Cow that we missed the most famous nebulous socio-political media war of all: The War on Halloween! Fortunately the Christian Broadcasting Network has an entire Internet section devoted to this, so we can easily play catch up right quick. (Hint: They think Lucifer is behind it.) MORE »

Joel Stein has an op-ed piece in the Los Angeles Times today bemoaning the current state of Halloween, in which he laments the fact that the once kid-friendly Satanic festival has been ruinously besmirched by adults running around dressed as sexy nurses, libidinous witches, randy stewardesses, etc. etc. This year, of course, it’ll be even worse when every single party will be befouled by at least one toe-tapping, stall-bound senator. Blah, blah, blah, we hear this stuff every year, right? But then, unexpectedly, Stein comes up with the most wonderful idea! Why not save Halloween for the little bastards by creating a new holiday for adults: Slut Day! We’re listening. MORE »

Beloved anti-Nazi pope John Paul II is back, according to Vatican TV. And this time, he is a terrible fire monster! We know about this because we accidentally had CNN Headline News on the other day, with the sound off, for some reason we can no longer remember, and suddenly there’s a terrible picture of the dead pope next to another picture of the Fire Pope. (It was on that douchesack Glenn Beck’s show that nobody has ever intentionally watched.) MORE »

Who is America’s Most Evil Candidate? A new study proves it is Mitt Romney, followed closely by Rudy Giuliani. As usual, loser Ron Paul just barely registers in the poll. [Most Evil 2008 United States Presidential Candidates]

Did you know the whole Iran-White House thing is a big scam because both Bush and Ahmadinejad answer to the same boss, Satan? Well it could be true, as proven by this Conspiracy Planet photo comparison showing both unloved presidents doing the HAIL SATAN gesture. We’ve often posted pictures of Bush Junior worshiping his father in hell, but this is the first time we’ve seen Iranian McBeardy guy rocking the Heavy Metal Hands — and check him out, all double-barreled and whatnot. MORE »

Once again, George W. Bush has been photographed making the devil sign — or, as Satan’s Apologists usually say, the “Hook ‘Em Horns.” It was at the White House 9/11 ceremony yesterday. Just for fun, try “accidentally” getting your hands in that position. It’s all but impossible, unless you’ve got some kind of degenerative nerve condition. MORE »

He’s still doing it! The devil sign, we mean. And look at the grim-faced Satanic expression that goes with this particular message of love to our Bulgarian friends. It seems we’ve witnessed that particular chilling glare before, very recently … oh, right, the bald guy behind Bush is making the same awful face. Who the fuck is that, a resurrected Anton LaVay? MORE »

Inexplicably powerful Jesus freak leader James Dobson isn’t interested in teevee actor Fred Thompson’s unannounced campaign for the GOP nomination. Why? MORE »

While American politicians are usually Satanists or Vampires, EU politicians are animated corpses and/or mummies. MORE »

Sgt. Patrick Stewart was killed in Afghanistan last year, and ever since his widow has been fighting the Pentagon to get an official Wicca symbol on his grave. On Saturday, Stewart’s memorial plaque in a Nevada military cemetery was finally adorned with the Wiccan thing — the pentacle. MORE »