Tag Archives: satan

  First Amendment? What First Amendment?

Congratulations, God, The Tennessee House Just Loves Your Book! (Exciting Update!)

Hey, that dude looks like Breitbart!
Happy Nice Time Update: See end of post! The Tennessee House voted Wednesday to name the Bible the official state book. But don’t worry, it’s not a violation of the First Amendment, because the people who wrote the bill said, nahh, it’s exactly like a state song or a state bird, and nobody complains that those violate the Constitution, do they? And then they turned right around and said that they had to make the Bible the state book to show that Tennessee loves Jesus a whole bunch. Read more on Congratulations, God, The Tennessee House Just Loves Your Book! (Exciting Update!)…
  No not his Catholic church his other church

Surprise! Marco Rubio’s Church Is Full Of Demon-Wrasslers, Gay-Haters And Creationist Derp

Marco Rubio may very well believe this is happening right now, in the sky.
Marco Rubio has two churches in Miami. One, as you might imagine, is the Catholic kind, because the Cuban-American Rubio is Catholic. The other one is a ginormous Baptist affair, featuring demon-wrasslin’, homo-hatin,’ and a sincerely held religious belief that Jesus rode a dinosaur. But how can a person be both Catholic and Baptist at the same time? Let’s Wonksplore! Read more on Surprise! Marco Rubio’s Church Is Full Of Demon-Wrasslers, Gay-Haters And Creationist Derp…
  Now with 50% more con artists!

Snake Oil Bulletin: Health Guru ‘Cures’ Cancer With Diet And Detox (And Not Having Cancer)

Salutations, Sailors! Welcome back to the Snake Oil Bulletin, your premium blend of all the latest and greatest in quackery, hackery, and general chicanery. We’ve got a full schedule ahead of us, so let’s nose dive right in to it with some cancer woo. Read more on Snake Oil Bulletin: Health Guru ‘Cures’ Cancer With Diet And Detox (And Not Having Cancer)…
  They are just saying that's all

Tennessee Church: Know Who Else Wanted Equal Rights? SATAN!

The newest hysterical entry into the “who can wig out the best over gay marriage?” contest comes from the Knoxville Baptist Tabernacle Church in Knoxville, Tennessee, who decided to use their church sign to remind everyone that this whole fight for “equal rights” is nothing new. In fact, Satan himself debuted the concept, when he wanted equality with God, or something like that, we are pretty sure none of this is in the Bible: Read more on Tennessee Church: Know Who Else Wanted Equal Rights? SATAN!…
  Become one with the herd

The Snake Oil Bulletin: Have Some Miracle Ginseng With No Ginseng

Fresh out of butt jokes this week.
Step right up, ladies and gents! Your friendly la Volpe has returned for another edition of The Snake Oil Bulletin, your weekly fix-er-up of all the best in bunk, woo, and assorted nonsense to grace the interwebs. Let’s get right into it by reminding you AGAIN to vaccinate yourself and your kids. Read more on The Snake Oil Bulletin: Have Some Miracle Ginseng With No Ginseng…
  letters from the derp

Sundays With The Christianists: Why ‘Huckleberry Finn’ Is Eeeevil (Not The Reasons You Thought!)

Come back to the drag show agin, Huck honey
We’ve decided that we’re actually rather grateful to wingnut radio preacher Kevin Swanson for writing his bizarre e-screed Apostate: The Men Who Destroyed the Christian West, which makes the case that American and European civilization have been ruined by all of our philosophy and literature. We’d be much better off, Swanson suggests, if we lived like the Puritans, only maybe with the internet so Kevin Swanson could do his podcast and sell ebooks. Why are we grateful to Kevin Swanson? Because his awful little book’s awful chapter on Mark Twain finally reminded us to pick up a terrific biography of Twain’s later life, Mark Shelden’s Mark Twain: Man in White: The Grand Adventure of His Final Years. It’s a heck of a fine book that had been sitting on our shelf just waiting for us to get to it, and it’s a fine reality-based counterpoint to Swanson’s caricature of Twain. Read more on Sundays With The Christianists: Why ‘Huckleberry Finn’ Is Eeeevil (Not The Reasons You Thought!)…
  All The Derp What's Fit To Herp

Derp Roundup: Fans Of Killer Cops Can Breathe Just Fine, Why Do You Ask?

Back away, little pony. These are not nice people.
Time for another roundup of the dumbest of the worst of the unfathomably stupid! We scrape the mishegas off our browser tabs, puree it into a frothy mess, and serve it up to you with a warning to not overdo it on the brain bleach. Proceed with caution and gin. Read more on Derp Roundup: Fans Of Killer Cops Can Breathe Just Fine, Why Do You Ask?…
  Book Of Hatchet Job

Sundays with the Christianists: How Mark Twain Steered America Toward Hell

Mark Twain and his familiar
You may have thought that Mark Twain was some kind of literary genius, but did you also know that he personally ruined America by being such a good writer of books, which ruined America? We’ve finally reached the chapter we’ve been waiting for in Kevin Swanson’s culture-war epic Apostate: The Men Who Destroyed the Christian West, in which the Colorado radio preacher and homeschooling advocate explains how pretty much everything we think of as Western Civilization is actually an assault on true civilization, by which he means the Bible and people who read it like Kevin Swanson does. We bought this horrible little e-book last year after Swanson talked about Twain with fellow wingnut Rick Wiles and claimed that Twain was clearly influenced by demons. We figured it would be a pretty good fight: America’s greatest writer versus a rightwing radio preacher who thinks birth control pills fill women’s innards with hundreds of fossilized dead babies. Our money was definitely on the literary genius, who still held the advantage despite being dead for over a century. Read more on Sundays with the Christianists: How Mark Twain Steered America Toward Hell…
  The House Of Seven Goebbels

Sundays With The Christianists: Why ‘The Scarlet Letter’ Is Bad For Jesus And America

Of course there's a manga version
It’s Pearl Harbor Day, so what more fitting time to talk about an attack on America? Only this isn’t an attack from some evil foreign empire (redundant, since all foreigns are evil) but from within. As we’re learning from wingnut radio preacher and homeschooling advocate Kevin Swanson, we’re under attack by our very own cultural touchstones — at least those that aren’t the Holy Bible. Read more on Sundays With The Christianists: Why ‘The Scarlet Letter’ Is Bad For Jesus And America…
  Young Goodman Brownshirt

Sundays With The Christianists: Nathaniel Hawthorne Had A Co-Author. Was It Satan?

We just like saying 'Gish'
If it’s Sunday, this must be Christianists! Time to get all literary again, as we learn how Nathaniel Hawthorne is personally responsible for destroying Christianity in America, at least according to homeschooling advocate and radio preacher Kevin Swanson and his intellectual e-book masterpiece Apostate: The Men Who Destroyed the Christian West. Swanson documents, in irrefutable detail, how pretty much everything we think of as “Western Culture” has actually been part of an assault on Christianity, from Thomas Aquinas to Disney. (OK, Disney isn’t in the book. But Swanson does think Disney movies will make your kids become gay witches.) Read more on Sundays With The Christianists: Nathaniel Hawthorne Had A Co-Author. Was It Satan?…
  Is This A Duggar I See Before Me?

Sundays With The Christianists: Shakespeare Was A Pagan, Maybe A Homo

Lord, what fools these Colorado radio preachers be
Brush off your iambic pentameter, ye Wonklings, because this week, homeschooling advocate, radio preacher, and culture warrior Kevin Swanson is taking on that arch-apostate, the Immortal Bard Of Avon. We’ve been reading Swanson’s not-quite-bestselling e-book Apostate: The Men Who Destroyed the Christian West, which makes a persuasive case that no period of history has ever been Christian enough for Kevin Swanson. This week, we’re ready to switch from Swanson’s Heresy Day Tour of famous philosophers* to his attacks on the Western literary canon, which of course is full of malcontents, humanists, and people doing Satan’s work by writing things that are more interesting than the Bible. Read more on Sundays With The Christianists: Shakespeare Was A Pagan, Maybe A Homo…
  The Origin Of Specious

Sundays With The Christianists: Charles Darwin Was A Very Bad Man, A Very Bad Man Indeed

We have no context for this image. But Charles Darwin WILL learn you on this.
If it’s Sunday, it must be time for another foray into the mind of Colorado radio man o’ God and homeschooling big wheel Kevin Swanson, the genius who warns that the Girl Scouts are communist lesbians whose cookies fund abortions and lesbianism, although we aren’t sure why lesbians are having all those abortions anyway. We’ve been delving into Swanson’s 2013 freshman term paper book Apostate: The Men Who Destroyed the Christian West, a sloppy little history of the ideas and thinkers who have been ruining Western Culture by making it what we think of as “Western Culture.” Last week, we learned that Karl Marx was a monster who starved his children (no he wasn’t) and who was driven by actual contact with demons. This week, it’s Charles Darwin’s turn to get Swansoned, although we suppose it’s possible that even after Apostate has completely dismantled him, Darwin may still be considered important, because people are just that stubborn and prone to evil. Read more on Sundays With The Christianists: Charles Darwin Was A Very Bad Man, A Very Bad Man Indeed…
  The Socialist Network

Sundays With The Christianists: Marx Was Wrong Because Jesus Loved Inequality

We simply couldn't find a Marxist anime demon girl
Happy Dia De Los Muertos, all you Wonkees! Grab a candy skull and let’s commune with the spirits of the departed, which of course probably sounds like consorting with demons to our favorite deranged Christianist, Colorado radio preacher Kevin Swanson. Read more on Sundays With The Christianists: Marx Was Wrong Because Jesus Loved Inequality…
  The Marx of the Beast

Sundays With The Christianists: Homos And Demons And Marx, Oh My!

Why is there a union jack on the skull? Your guess is as good as any. Let's say it represent Marx's London years.
Here we are at Part 3 of our dive into Apostate: The Men Who Destroyed the Christian West, by Kevin Swanson, the radio preacher who likes to warn that the Pill leaves women’s wombs chock full of tiny dead babies, like some kind of horrifying death-muffin, and that his home state of Colorado has become one big gay pot orgy all the time, just like North Korea. Read more on Sundays With The Christianists: Homos And Demons And Marx, Oh My!…
  Shazbot!

Robin Williams Probably Consorted With Demons, Says WND In Touching Memorial Ad

Robin Williams conjures a demon, or throws a gang sign maybe.
It’s kind of beautiful how, in the midst of tragedy, some people can calmly assess the situation and find a way to make things just a little shittier. Consider the great minds at conspiracy wackaloon hub WND, who took the occasion of Robin William’s suicide to pimp DVDs about the Satanic influence of pop culture. Read more on Robin Williams Probably Consorted With Demons, Says WND In Touching Memorial Ad…
  Today In Jesus Tech

New Smartphone App Gets Satan Behind Thee, For Free!

Jesus Saves... And makes regular backups
If you find fighting off the Devil too difficult, or if you’ve just plain given in and joined His Satanic Majesty, which is pretty likely, since you’re reading Wonkette, then televangelist Kyle Winkler (no relation to the Fonz, we’re pretty sure, and almost definitely not the minor-league pitcher of the same name), wants you to know that it’s not too late to fight back against the Devil. It also just so happens that Winkler has a book coming out in September, called Silence Satan, which is a pretty good reason to release a smartphone app called “Shut Up, Devil!” It sounds pretty darn powerful! Read more on New Smartphone App Gets Satan Behind Thee, For Free!…
  unholy matrimony

Federal Judges Ramming Atheist Wedding Officiants Down Indiana’s Throat

It’s been a rough couple years for good old traditional Jesus marriage. You had the Supreme Court make DOMA go away last year, and then pretty much every state, even the super-conservative ones, have been all like “sure, get gay married, whatevs.” Weirdly, the Republic has not yet collapsed, but the final straw probably just got laid atop America’s coffin, or some equally overheated metaphor, because the 7th Circuit Court of Appeals just ruled that godless atheists can perform wedding ceremonies in Indiana. America, you had a good run. Read more on Federal Judges Ramming Atheist Wedding Officiants Down Indiana’s Throat…
  get thee behind me stupid

Demon-Slayer Gordon Klingenschmitt Pretty Sure All Those Atheists Need Is A Good Exorcism

Ever since John Jacob Gordon Klingenschmitt won his primary for a state legislative seat in Colorado, we’ve been expecting big things from old Chaps, which is one hell of a nickname for a straight man. We should have known that it wouldn’t be long before a man who is so very preoccupied by demonic possession would find a way to get back onto our virtual pages. If you need a quick refresher course, Klingenschmitt is certain that most things — gays, animals, Disney films — are possessed by demons. So it was pretty much required that he’d have to conclude that atheists were also too possessed by demons, and the only cure for the demons is more exorcisin’. Read more on Demon-Slayer Gordon Klingenschmitt Pretty Sure All Those Atheists Need Is A Good Exorcism…
  delicious

Fun New Conservative Lady Pretty Sure That When Eve Bit The Apple It Was Full Of Birth Control Pills

Isn’t it fun when you can discover a new wingnut, a little hidden gem? They’re like an inexpensive pinot noir that’s a wee bit better than serviceable, so you just have to share them with your friends. Let’s meet Joy Pinto, who opened her gaping hate-maw yesterday at the opening day of the National Right To Life convention in order to spew out some really deeply overwrought sounding bullshit about ‘bortions and birth control. She’s a real pip! Do we even need to tell you that she runs one of those pretend “clinics” that have legit sounding names — hers is the “Her Choice Birmingham Women’s Center” — but are actually just places where the only piece of medical equipment is an ultrasound machine and it is staffed exclusively by Joy Pinto yelling at you to keep your baby? Of course we don’t! Do we even need to tell you that she has a radio show? Of course we don’t! That is actually probably a requirement for all aspiring anti-choicers these days. That way you can harangue people in person AND on the airwaves. DOUBLE THE BABY-SAVING POTENTIAL. Read more on Fun New Conservative Lady Pretty Sure That When Eve Bit The Apple It Was Full Of Birth Control Pills…
  could it be ... satan?

Bigot Twins: Satan Overturned The Guilty Verdict In The Scopes Monkey Trial (And Canceled Our Show)

We really can’t get enough of those bigot twins, Jason and David Benham, whom HGTV unceremoniously kicked to the curb when they found out they were up-to-their-eyeballs-level full of bigot. After that, their bank tried to break up with them, but howler monkeys on the internet made the bank reverse its decision. We’re hoping the bank comes to regret that decision, given that the Benhams seem utterly incapable of shutting their pieholes and have left a rich trail of stupid all over the internet. Today’s find: evolution equals Satan, or brought Satan with it, or something. Read more on Bigot Twins: Satan Overturned The Guilty Verdict In The Scopes Monkey Trial (And Canceled Our Show)…
  the academy giveth and the academy taketh away

Satan Gets The Oscars To Revoke Best Song Nomination For Good Upstanding Christian Ditty ‘Alone Yet Not Alone’

When Oscar nominations were announced earlier this month, the Best Original Song category had people a-flutter because an obscure song, “Alone Yet Not Alone,” from an obscure Christian film of the same name, got a nod over big songs from movies like Frozen. The nomination has now been rescinded, probably because the Academy hates Christians, or maybe because the film’s composer went full-on cheatsville and improperly lobbied the Academy to vote for his song. Read more on Satan Gets The Oscars To Revoke Best Song Nomination For Good Upstanding Christian Ditty ‘Alone Yet Not Alone’…