Tag Archives: sarah palin

  The ONE time we expected a Palin to say something halfway smart and this happens

Sarah Palin, It’s Time To Have The ‘Denali’ Talk With Your Dumbass Daughter Bristol

Mommy is here to teach you about mountains, Bristol.
Mommy is here to teach you about mountains, Bristol. FUCKING HELL, this is getting ridiculous. Monday, we reported how Barack Obama went behind the backs of Jesus, the Statue of Liberty, Allah and Ohio Republicans by designating the tallest mountain in North America, located in Alaska, as “Denali,” a name it has ALWAYS HAD. It was only called Mt. McKinley there for a little while because this one time a prospector called it that, in the 19th century, because William McKinley was running for president, and he figured “Hey why not?” In 1975, Alaska officially did ISIS to the “McKinley” name, but the federal government didn’t catch up until the other day. Read more on Sarah Palin, It’s Time To Have The ‘Denali’ Talk With Your Dumbass Daughter Bristol…
  let's gossip about the week's top stories

Josh Duggar Can’t Read This Post Because He’s In Jesus Jail. Your Weekly Top Ten.

Sex bus.
Sex bus. Hey Wonkers, how is your Sunday? Just kidding, don’t care, let’s talk about ourselves. So last week there was, yet again, horrible, unspeakable tragedy, as two journalists were killed on air by a gunman with, surprise, a gun, and a lot of your top ten stories this week were about that. Also, Josh Duggar did some gnarly shit to a porn star and now he’s in the Jesus Sex Pokey for Grosses. So that’s in your top ten too. Weird week! Read more on Josh Duggar Can’t Read This Post Because He’s In Jesus Jail. Your Weekly Top Ten….
  Gotcha questions

Sarah Palin Knows Donald Trump’s Favorite Bible Verse Is ALL OF THEM KATIE

Rage buddies
Oh look, there was a Friday evening entertainment shitshow, and it was Sarah Palin interviewing Donald Trump, obviously because she wanted to meet her one of her favorite hero P.O.W.’s. And there’s so much goodness in this interview, and so many bowls of word salad, from BOTH of them, but OUR favorite part is when they did Bible trivia. See, the mean liberal gotcha journalists have been doing mean liberal gotcha questions at the Donald, over which verse of the Bible he hearts the best. This is a fair question because A., he is running as a Republican, and it’s virtually required for all candidates’ REAL running mates to be Jesus, and 2., he said the Bible is his favorite book. Like, he said those words, with his vagina mouth. And also, clearly, he is the most luxurious, terrific-est Christian ever. Read more on Sarah Palin Knows Donald Trump’s Favorite Bible Verse Is ALL OF THEM KATIE…
  deep thoughts

Sarah Palin Says Donald Trump Is Jesus, Basically

We already know Donald Trump makes Sarah Palin so moist in her granny panty g-string, because of how he is a hero, a gen-u-ine hero just like John McCain, only without the going to war. And we know that Donald Trump thinks Sarah is “tough and smart and just a great woman,” and he’d like to tap her in her moosehole — metaphorically, of course — and let her be the Secretary of Quittin’ Stuff, or maybe even scrawl her name in lipstick on his ballot to be his vice Trump, if we are that lucky. Read more on Sarah Palin Says Donald Trump Is Jesus, Basically…
  No YOUR Mom

Bristol Palin Says Obama’s The REAL Lazy Half-Term Gov. Quitterface Grifter Queen

He can’t even Bristol Palin’s ghostblogger has a real important question, you guys: Remember when my mom put a jet on eBay to save Alaska much-needed money? Well, yes, we remember how she listed it on eBay, and also how nobody bought it on eBay, but go on: Read more on Bristol Palin Says Obama’s The REAL Lazy Half-Term Gov. Quitterface Grifter Queen…
  let's gossip about the week's top stories

Just Biding Our Time Until We Find Josh Duggar’s Grindr At This Point. Your Weekly Top Ten.

Coming soon to a town near you, but Sarah Palin won't be there. OR WILL SHE?
Coming soon to a town near you, but Sarah Palin won’t be there. OR WILL SHE? Hey Wonkers! We had a big week! Did YOU have a big week in your job? Just kidding, this post is not about you. Did you hear the big news about how Editrix Becca invested in a Winnebago for the Wonkette, so we can do onsite “journalism” at the Iowa caucuses and the Republican convention and wherever else news is happening? Or wherever else we decide to do drinky things. We are going to do ALL the activities, and you should be very excited. Read more on Just Biding Our Time Until We Find Josh Duggar’s Grindr At This Point. Your Weekly Top Ten….
  Getting To Know You

Martin O’Malley Doesn’t Want Some Old Hag Lady To Be President Of Him

He likes to show people his sex body.
He likes to show people his sex body. So, there’s a rumor going around that there are other Democrats running for president besides Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders, and yr Wonkette was disinclined to believe them until GQ ran a profile of this character “Martin O’Malley,” which seems to suggest that he’s running for president because he’s the smartest (he says), and Hillary Clinton is just too much of an old crusty hag fart to do the job: Read more on Martin O’Malley Doesn’t Want Some Old Hag Lady To Be President Of Him…
  MAN she wants to be his running mate

Sarah Palin Likes Her Men Dumb And Drunk, Like Donald Trump

The blouse really complements her derp.
Sarah Palin loves Donald Trump, because he’s a BIG PICTURE, Joe Six-Pack kind of pompous billionaire asshole HERO, who doesn’t get mired down in little details like “policy” and “actual opinions” about stuff and things. And you know how Joe Six-Pack is, he’s a regular guy who just downed a six pack of Keystone Light and now he’s telling you what he thinks about America and you betcha, we need more people like like Joe Six-Pack, who is Donald Trump. Donald Trump! Read more on Sarah Palin Likes Her Men Dumb And Drunk, Like Donald Trump…
  Grift on you crazy diamond

Sarah Palin Finds New Job To Quit

At least until Labor Day we guess.
At least until Labor Day we guess. Hurray for Sarah Palin, who is fun-employed no more! It was just the beginning of July when she announced, to very little fanfare, that she would be closing the books on her most recent “job,” which was yammering at a camera about bullshit on the Sarah Palin Channel for somewhere between 5 and 7 minutes per week, for the edification of her “subscribers.” (Yr Wonkette was a subscriber! Where’s the Sarah Palin koozie we were promised?) Read more on Sarah Palin Finds New Job To Quit…
  So wasteful!

Fox News Jackass Greg Gutfeld Will Keep Fetuses In Wastebaskets Where They Belong

This is what Greg Gutfeld looks like when he thinks he just made a point.
This is what Greg Gutfeld looks like when he thinks he just made a point. Yr Wonkette, as you know, is a pro-life mommyblog. HEAR US OUT. We’re pro-life in the REAL, grown-up way, the one where abortion is legal, and women should have a right to do with their living bodies as they please, and we believe in doing all that we can to support living, breathing human beings. Also, fetal tissue research is VITAL to finding cures for cancer and developing vaccines and all sorts of other things. Heck, it’s so great that wingnut presidential candidate Ben Carson used to do it all the time! So, considering these facts, it’s very PRO-LIFE to support women in their choices to donate fetal tissue after abortions, so that tissue can be used to SAVE THE WORLD! Read more on Fox News Jackass Greg Gutfeld Will Keep Fetuses In Wastebaskets Where They Belong…
  And now you're throwing up

Megyn Kelly Gives Ted Nugent Cat Scratch Fever, In His Penis

A song about Megyn Kelly, apparently.
A song about Megyn Kelly, apparently. Well, this argument about whether Donald Trump or Megyn Kelly is the biggest sexist is officially OVER, even more than when Bristol Palin finally commented on the situation, because Ted Nugent has spoken, and what do you know, he said something really gross. You see, he COMES down on the side of Donald Trump, except for when he’s CUMMING on his television, because Megyn Kelly is on the screen, being all dreamy-like, and the combination of that, and the phallic gun in his hand, and the fact that he is SITTING THERE NAKED, just overtakes his NOOOOGE Peen, and he can’t help but squeeze off a couple rounds. Rich Lowry only WISHES his Sarah Palin Penile Starbursts had this much muzzle velocity: Read more on Megyn Kelly Gives Ted Nugent Cat Scratch Fever, In His Penis…
  LISTEN UP ASSHOLES

Bristol Palin Takes Break From ISIS Battle To Slob Trump’s Knob

Bristol is here with the final word on ALL THIS BUSINESS.
Bristol is here with the final word on ALL THIS BUSINESS. Attention, everyone, for Our Lady Of However Many Immaculate Conceptions, Bristol Palin, has taken to the blogotubes to discuss how the media is doing all the liberal censorship crimes to our prince and Palin family hero Donald Trump, just because he said Megyn Kelly did a bad job moderating that debate due to profuse bleeding from her “wherever.” It’s a bad situation because, for one thing, Bristol is way too busy to be commenting on such things, but WHEN HER NATION CALLS, she answers. Today, we will be discussing “decency,” or Bristol’s concept of it at least. Take it away, Mama Morals: Read more on Bristol Palin Takes Break From ISIS Battle To Slob Trump’s Knob…
  Cash she wants cash

What The Hell Does Sarah Palin Want Now?

The face of the Republican Party.
The face of the Republican Party. Does Sarah want to be vice president when Donald Trump becomes “president,” because he already said he wants to tap her, in a government way? Does she want to Maverick her way into the You Betcha spot at the last minute and run for president? (Probably not, presidents don’t usually quit halfway through their terms unless they’ve been caught doing Watergate.) Is she just GRIFTING FOR CASH LIKE SHE ALWAYS DOES, because it beats getting a real job? All these questions come to mind as we watch this new “documentary” on how awesome she is, conveniently released the same week as the first Republican primary, because Palin has never seen limelight she didn’t want to toss word salad in the middle of. Read more on What The Hell Does Sarah Palin Want Now?…
  let's gossip about the week's top stories

Sass-Mouth Barack Obama Sasses The Republicans, Sassily. Your Weekly Top Ten.

I laugh at you idiots! So much!
Hey Wonkers! It is Sunday, and whew, what a week we had! Your Wonkette got lost (broken because bad server was bad), but then was found (fixed with a shiny new server!), was blind but now it sees! And you all made that possible! If you have not had a chance, please read our heartfelt THANK YOU for all the moneys you gave us to help us in our time of need. Read more on Sass-Mouth Barack Obama Sasses The Republicans, Sassily. Your Weekly Top Ten….
  the commentczar's in town

Deleted Comments: A Real Marine In National Security Warns Wonkette To Leave Iran

OK, so maybe it's not THIS Marine...
Funny how it all works out: Even during a week when our little mommyblog, recipe hub, and ugly vile little snark mob was brought low by server issues for a day and then some, we had an astonishing number of deleted comments, mostly thanks to 1) an idiot dentist with blood lust (no, not Jack Nicholson in Little Shop of Horrors OR Lawrence Olivier in Marathon Man) and 2) A few really determined trolls on other stories. Let’s get straight to the latter, a garrulous fellow simply named “Ben,” who warned us that Morgan Freeman is lying to America about the Iran nuclear deal: Read more on Deleted Comments: A Real Marine In National Security Warns Wonkette To Leave Iran…
  We Watched So You Wouldn't Have To

The Long And Fartknocking Road: A Sarah Palin Channel Retrospectacular

The Sarah Palin Fartknocker Report, Presented By Fartknocker
This is the final installment of The Sarah Palin Fartknocker Report, presented by Fartknocker, a series made possible by a generous grant from Fartknocker. Relive all your favorite Sarah Palin Fartknocker Report moments at the Sarah Palin Fartknocker Report Archives. And thanks for supporting Yr Wonkette. Read more on The Long And Fartknocking Road: A Sarah Palin Channel Retrospectacular…