Tag Archives: sarah palin

  also lawyers and guns

Wonkette Broken, Please Send Money

Are you reading your Wonkette right now, getting all the important Donald Trump and Sarah Palin and Dana Perino’s husband arrested news? PROBABLY NOT! Our computer machine thingy is probably down RIGHT NOW!!! Funny story! Actually it isn’t, it is very boring, but what is funny is that our husband, Shypixel, is in charge of making the hamsters run for our Internet-machine to work, and the mean people who own the hamsters have killed all the hamsters, and then they are telling Shypixel HE IS THE REAL MURDERER! Read more on Wonkette Broken, Please Send Money…
  you betcha

Donald Trump Wants To Tap Sarah Palin, Wonkette Dies Of Orgasms

Dumber and dumberer
Do you believe in miracles, America? Because this happened, when Donald “The Donald Trump” Trump mouth-flapped on a radio show called “The Palin Update,” and now we believe in miracles and fortune cookies and immaculate conception and Santa Claus and flying fairy dust and everything: Read more on Donald Trump Wants To Tap Sarah Palin, Wonkette Dies Of Orgasms…
  We Watch So You Don't Have To

The Fartknocker Report: Sarah Palin Says Liberals Bad, Kevin Costner Movie Good

The Sarah Palin Fartknocker Report, Presented By Fartknocker
In the penultimate edition of the Sarah Palin Fartknocker Report, Presented By Fartknocker, Sarah Palin is pretty sure she’s being silenced by duh, who else, “the left.” Also too, if you need a movie recommendation, Sarah would like to put in a good word for McFarland USA, an inspirational sports story about family, long-distance running, and benevolent white paternalism. Paired together, these two videos are no more incoherent than anything else Palin’s done with her dumb fake television channel whut is on the Internet, so let’s just get to the blockquoting. Read more on The Fartknocker Report: Sarah Palin Says Liberals Bad, Kevin Costner Movie Good…
  We Watch So You Don't Have To

The Fartknocker Report: Sarah Palin Channel Announces Blowout Sale, All Derp Must Go

The Sarah Palin Fartknocker Report, Presented By Fartknocker
August 1 is quittin’ time for the Sarah Palin Channel, so the gang up in Wasilla is scrambling to move existing inventory. We’ve got three videos for you this week, one on gun rights and scary home invasions, one featuring Ghost Thomas Jefferson, and one exercise in patriotic free-verse over what sounds to Yr Wonket like an old-school Casio synth track. It’s a glorious day here at The Sarah Palin Fartknocker Report, Presented By Fartknocker, so let’s dive in. Read more on The Fartknocker Report: Sarah Palin Channel Announces Blowout Sale, All Derp Must Go…
  helpful hints

An Open Letter To Gawker, From Your Friend Wonkette

We're just trying to help.
Dear Gawker, So, you removed that post. You know, the one about a married man (whose name we will not be mentioning) trying to score some hot gay sex on the sly, away from his wife’s prying eyes — or maybe with her blessing, we don’t know the terms of their marriage, and neither do you. You have said you’re sorry, SORT OF. You SHOULD be sorry, not that your “apologies” really count at this point, since the story is already out there on the internet, even if you’ve removed it, and you’ve likely done immeasurable damage to him and to his family in the last 24 hours. Read more on An Open Letter To Gawker, From Your Friend Wonkette…
  For All The 'Sacrificial Veterans'

Sarah Palin: Iran Bad, Obama Bad, Let’s Build A Wall, Something Something You Betcha

No sir, she doesn't like it!
Just in case you were worried (or hoping) that after losing her big Fox News gig and walking out on her already foundering pretend teevee channel, you might be seeing less of Sarah Palin, you’ll be delighted or nauseated to know that she can still throw a bunch of words into a blender and get them published at Dead Breitbart’s Internet Refuge for Drooling Vipers. Such was the case Wednesday, as the legendary foreign policy visionary who foresaw the Russian occupation of Ukraine looked once again into her crystal doorknob and warned that this week’s nuclear arms agreement with Iran is going to be big trouble, because it’s not merely a plan to put Iran’s nuclear program on ice — it’s actually a complete surrender of both the United States and Israel to the Islamic Republic. And she is not one bit surprised: Read more on Sarah Palin: Iran Bad, Obama Bad, Let’s Build A Wall, Something Something You Betcha…
  We Watch So You Don't Have To

The Fartknocker Report: Sarah Palin Is Your New James Joyce Yes She Said Yes She Will Yes

The Sarah Palin Fartknocker Report, Presented By Fartknocker
Last week, Sarah Palin waved a flag as white as Alaska’s citizenry, as she announced her plans to death-panel the Sarah Palin Channel on August 1. But she is not going down without a half-assed fight, and this week, the Sarah Palin Channel published three whole videos, which is 50% more videos than they usually publish per week. Read more on The Fartknocker Report: Sarah Palin Is Your New James Joyce Yes She Said Yes She Will Yes…
  Cooking The Books

Mean New York Times Won’t Let Ted Cruz Cheat His Way Onto Bestseller List

To Grift, or not to Grift...
Oh, see how the liberal New York Times is mistreating and suppressing Ted Cruz! Outrageous! Horrors! His publisher sold a bejillion copies of his new book-shaped object, A Time For Truth: Reigniting the Promise of America, but is the Times giving it the place it deserves on the Bestseller list? Obviously it is not, because the New York Times just hates books by conservatives, like Chris Kyle’s American Sniper (still on the combined book/ebook list after 72 weeks) or David Brooks’s The Road To Character, or Ann Coulter’s Adios, America!, (currently #6 and #11 on Hardcover nonfiction). Read more on Mean New York Times Won’t Let Ted Cruz Cheat His Way Onto Bestseller List…
  We Watched So You Wouldn't Have To

Sarah Palin Quits Thing.

Götterdämmer-grift
This July 4th, Sarah Palin celebrated America by announcing that she is quitting the Internet-teevee-channel grift, because quitting is what Sarah Palin does best. In video and text announcements on the Sarah Palin Channel, Governor Quitterface declared that as of August 1, anyone can consume premium, previously paywalled Palin content, because Sarah Palin is getting rid of her paywall for freedom, and not because the Sarah Palin Channel was an economic failure, heavens no. Read more on Sarah Palin Quits Thing….
  We Watch So You Don't Have To

The Fartknocker Report: Nanny-Stater Sarah Palin Tells America How To Raise Kids Good

The Sarah Palin Farknocker Report, Presented By Fartknocker
The Sarah Palin Channel has resumed its previous publication schedule, pumping out two videos (combined run-time: 3:26) in the last week. The first video, “Raising Patriots,” features Palin telling hard-working Americans how to raise their own goddamn kids, because Sarah Palin feels as though she is fit to offer parenting advice for some reason. Read more on The Fartknocker Report: Nanny-Stater Sarah Palin Tells America How To Raise Kids Good…
  How was YOUR dumb week?

Barack Obama’s Terrible, Horrible, Badass, Balls Out Rager Of A Week

Editrix can have Old Handsome Joe Biden, we like Sexy Obama.
Oh look at the White House all BRAGGIN’ and shit. That Nice Time video above was provided to yr Wonkette (and by “provided,” we mean we went to the White House website and copied the embed code) as a way of illustrating how Barack Obama just had one of the most badass weeks of his entire presidency, a week bigger than the best weeks of Sarah Palin’s, Ronald Reagan’s, your mom’s, and Jesus’s presidencies COMBINED. Read more on Barack Obama’s Terrible, Horrible, Badass, Balls Out Rager Of A Week…
  One Last Junk Shot

Poor Oil Giant BP Has To Pay $18.7 Billion Just For Wrecking Gulf Of Mexico

Smoke on the water
This post made possible by the Patty Dumpling Endowment for Oil Spill Blogging and Oily Coastlines. Hooray, the worst oil spill ever is finally going to be paid for, at least some — BP agreed Thursday to a record $18.7 billion in fines to settle federal and state lawsuits over the 2010 Deepwater Horizon spill, which gave us such golden memories as that time when Sarah Palin blamed the spill on environmentalists, who actually didn’t have to pay anything for the spill at all, and how is that even fair? The one good thing about this here settlement is that it appears to be the amount that the company will actually pay, not the starting point for a bunch of appeals that reduce the fines. All we’re waiting on now is for BP to release a statement reading only, “Bummer about all those pelicans.” And at least now former BP CEO Tony Hayward has his life back. Read more on Poor Oil Giant BP Has To Pay $18.7 Billion Just For Wrecking Gulf Of Mexico…