Tag Archives: sarah palin

  sadface

Bristol Palin’s Wedding CANCELED, Let’s Make Up Reasons Why

But they looked so happy, in Kentucky, with their guns!
SAD NEWS, everybody. Sarah Palin will no longer have a new son-in-law to “eye-fuc,” because the impending nuptials of Bristol Palin and Dakota Meyer, planned for this weekend, have been 86’ed, as reported by Mama Grizzly Dumb Ass, on the Facebook: Read more on Bristol Palin’s Wedding CANCELED, Let’s Make Up Reasons Why…
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The Fartknocker Report: Sarah Palin Knows Democrats Are Causing California’s Drought

The Sarah Palin Fartknocker Report, Presented By Fartknocker
Yr Wonket has been covering the Sarah Palin Channel for the better part of a year now, and we have never, ever seen Palin say something this breathtakingly stupid. Hyperbole? Perhaps. But take a gander at this stupid, and have the number of your nearest burn unit on hand, because this is just searingly dumb: Read more on The Fartknocker Report: Sarah Palin Knows Democrats Are Causing California’s Drought…
  WALNUTS! studies abroad

John McCain Accidentally Joins Ukrainian Government, Bye John McCain!

He is very excited about his new job!
Hurray, John McCain finally gets to be president of something, and it is Ukraine! Oops that’s not right. John McCain has been appointed as a special presidential advisor in Ukraine, and either they forgot to tell him, or he applied for the job from a Craigslist ad and forgot all about it because OLD WALNUTS, but regardless, he never made sure it was allowed under Senate rules, so he may not get to become king of Ukraine after all: Read more on John McCain Accidentally Joins Ukrainian Government, Bye John McCain!…
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The Fartknocker Report: Sarah Palin Will Not Pay Taxes On Soda, Not While ISIS Is Still Around

The Sarah Palin Fartknocker Report, Presented By Fartknocker
On this week’s Sarah Palin Fartknocker Report, Presented By Fartknocker, Sarah Palin picks on Connecticut State Rep. Juan Candelaria for having the GALL to propose a tax on sugary soft drinks. Doesn’t Rep. Candelaria know that taxes kill jobs? Read more on The Fartknocker Report: Sarah Palin Will Not Pay Taxes On Soda, Not While ISIS Is Still Around…
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The Fartknocker Report: Sarah Palin Says No Racists On $20 Bill, Let’s Stick With Andrew Jackson

The Sarah Palin Fartknocker Report, Presented By Fartknocker
As even the paupers of the Wonketariat know, Andrew Jackson’s face adorns the American $20 bill. That is, as they say in academia, “problematic,” so Senator Jeanne Shaheen of New Hampshire has introduced a bill to replace Andrew Jackson’s face with that of a woman. That doesn’t sit so good with Sarah Palin, no sir. Read more on The Fartknocker Report: Sarah Palin Says No Racists On $20 Bill, Let’s Stick With Andrew Jackson…
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The Fartknocker Report: Sarah Palin So Mad Obama Won’t Stop Murdering The African Christians

The Sarah Palin Fartknocker Report, Presented By Fartknocker
On this week’s Fartknocker Report, Presented By Fartknocker, Sarah Palin provides further evidence that news travels to Alaska via dogsled, paddlewheel steamers, and three-eyed ravens. We simply cannot come up with any other explanation for this bit of Palin-flavored conserva-whining about an al-Shabaab attack in Kenya from early April: Read more on The Fartknocker Report: Sarah Palin So Mad Obama Won’t Stop Murdering The African Christians…
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The Fartknocker Report: Sarah Palin Will Murder The ATF And Its Jackbooted Thugs

The Sarah Palin Fartknocker Report, Presented By Fartknocker
Emboldened by last week’s victory for the rights of gun-humpers to be able to ALSO be able to hump bullets, Field Marshall Sarah Palin presses forward. She has offered the Kenyan tyrant Obama clear and simple terms: abolish the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms and Explosives (ATF), and we will spare you our screeching. And, instead of listening to her, the Kenyan tyrant sits alone in his empty palace, a place that collaborators and the weak-willed still call the White House, and he does NOTHING. Read more on The Fartknocker Report: Sarah Palin Will Murder The ATF And Its Jackbooted Thugs…
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The Fartknocker Report: Sarah Palin Says Obama Is World’s Weakest, Most Powerful Despot

The Sarah Palin Fartknocker Report, Presented By Fartknocker
On this week’s Fartknocker Report, Sarah Palin can’t seem to make up her mind. In a video published on April 7, Palin insists that we need a new constitutional convention because Barack Obama’s tyranny has irrevocably broken the dreams of the Founding Fathers. The next day, she tells us about a group of gun nuts who got Obama’s ATF to back down by boldly submitting public comments, just like the men at Valley Forge did. The Tundra Grifter was a little all over the place this week, but what else is new? Read more on The Fartknocker Report: Sarah Palin Says Obama Is World’s Weakest, Most Powerful Despot…
  But what if a bad guy with a gun gets in?

No Guns Allowed At NRA Convention, Now Everyone Will Get Mugged :(

But how can I get Sarah Palin to autograph my lady gun if I can't take it to the convention?
WHOA gun-humpers better put their right hands on their hearts and their left hands on the guns they put in their underpants to make their bulges look bigger, because the beloved National Rifle Association may have been infiltrated by Obama-loving anti-American liberals. They have announced that at their annual convention of donkey-fucking nutbags, to be held this weekend in Nashville, you aren’t even allowed to have loaded guns! How is this even safe? What if a bad guy with a gun somehow infiltrates the premises, like an Ay-rab or a black person? Read more on No Guns Allowed At NRA Convention, Now Everyone Will Get Mugged :(…
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The Fartknocker Report: Sarah Palin To Save All The Anchor Babies From Mean Obama, Wait What?

The Sarah Palin Fartknocker Report, Presented By Fartknocker
Let’s see, which warmed-over, 30-day-old story should we choose for this week’s Sarah Palin Fartknocker Report, Presented By Fartknocker? Oooh, this one looks fun! It’s a video about “maternity hotels,” which are places in U.S. America where THE YELLOW MENACE comes to pop out their job-stealing anchor babbies. The Tundra Grifter is right to point out that this odious practice ought to be banned, and you’d think she’d be pleased to hear that President Nobummer raided 37 “maternity hotels” in California last month. Ha ha, the idea that Sarah Palin would give Barack Obama credit for doing what she said he should do, this is famous joke among Yr Wonket’s people. Let’s go to the tape! Read more on The Fartknocker Report: Sarah Palin To Save All The Anchor Babies From Mean Obama, Wait What?…
  the commentczar's in town

Deleted Comments Of The Week: Oh Yeah Wonket? Well YOU’RE An Abortion!

Dear Sir or Madame: I am outraged by the lack of variety in the .gifs on this blog!
This week’s crop of deleted comments made us feel a bit nostalgic, since a couple of them employ a rightwing rhetorical trope that we first noticed when we still read the local news-paper while listening to Fleetwood Mac on the Victrola. It’s the simplest possible sort of non sequitur: just take any current event and point out that the Scourge Of Abortion is far worse. “I don’t see why the plane crash in ____ is news when hundreds of babies are slaughtered daily…” “Your article on the Armenian Genocide reminded me that Americans are happy to deny their own genocide, legal since 1973…” “How can your reviewer complain about Ishtar when a true abomination takes place in Planned parenthood clinics every day?” So yeah, we got a couple of those this week. Read more on Deleted Comments Of The Week: Oh Yeah Wonket? Well YOU’RE An Abortion!…
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The Fartknocker Report: Sarah Palin Furious At Tyrant Obama For Letting ISIS Win All Wars

The Sarah Palin Fartknocker Report, Presented By Fartknocker
The Sarah Palin Channel is running out of things to say. The former governor of Alaska published less than six full minutes of content this week, and her longest video (clocking in at 2:17) focused on a four-year-old tale about the muzzling of a conservative student newspaper at the University of Minnesota, blah blah blah, it is just the most boring story about “free speech” you have ever heard. Read more on The Fartknocker Report: Sarah Palin Furious At Tyrant Obama For Letting ISIS Win All Wars…
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The Fartknocker Report: Help, Help, Sarah Palin Is Being Repressed!

The Sarah Palin Fartknocker Report, Presented By Fartknocker
In one of her three new videos this week — seven minutes and 34 seconds of total run time, for those keeping score at home — Sarah Palin decided to squawk about Lois Lerner, because apparently that horse is not yet dead and requires further beating. Her screed goes deep, deep into the realm of alternate history, and the whole thing is worth a look. Let’s Wonksplore! Read more on The Fartknocker Report: Help, Help, Sarah Palin Is Being Repressed!…
  There's always room for him at the Y-M-C-A

Congress-Model Aaron Schock Comes Out … Of Congress

Last tango in Washington!
BREAKING NEWS UPDATE! Aaron Schock, our beloved globetrotting Republican congressdarling from Illinois, the one what’s had all the ethics violations doggie-styling him for the last couple of months, is resigning his seat to spend more time posting hawt pictures on Instagram: Read more on Congress-Model Aaron Schock Comes Out … Of Congress…
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The Fartknocker Report: Sarah Palin Will Sue Obama For Stealing The Internet

The Sarah Palin Fartknocker Report, Presented By Fartknocker
The real story of this week’s Fartknocker Report (Presented By Fartknocker) is about Sarah Palin being super lazy all the way to the bank. We’ll get to that in a minute. But first, let’s watch a video in which Governor Quitterface boldly takes up the late Sen. Ted Stevens’s mantle as Some Alaskan Person Who Doesn’t Understand The Internet. Read more on The Fartknocker Report: Sarah Palin Will Sue Obama For Stealing The Internet…
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The Fartknocker Report: Sarah Palin Misremembers History Again, This Time Her Own

The Sarah Palin Fartknocker Report, Presented By Fartknocker
Remember when Sarah Palin said Paul Revere embarked on his midnight ride in order to warn the British? Or when her teleprompter broke in Iowa, and the resulting word salad was so rancid that even the Daily Caller sent it back to the kitchen? Well, Sarah Palin doesn’t. Read more on The Fartknocker Report: Sarah Palin Misremembers History Again, This Time Her Own…
  it's the ciiiiiiircle of life

Alaska’s Don Young: Let Wolves Kill All The Homeless People, Then We Can Kill All The Wolves!

You will be pleased to know that Alaska’s Republican Rep. Don Young has opened his mouth hole again. Did he say that people commit suicide because their friends and families aren’t supportive enough? Did he confess to murdering somebody for touching him on the arm? Did he wax nostalgically about his days on the farm, what with the “wetbacks” pickin’ all their tomatoes? NO, those were other times he opened the latch on his brain and let things spew forth. This time he just said that hey, you know what would fix homelessness? Wolves would fix homelessness, all y’all cities got homeless people because you ain’t got no wolves runnin’ free: Read more on Alaska’s Don Young: Let Wolves Kill All The Homeless People, Then We Can Kill All The Wolves!…
  the beast that ascendeth out of the bottomless pit

Happy Birthday, Tea Party! Now Die In A Fire

Happy sixth birthday to the Tea Party! Okay we’re a little late here, as the big day was in the middle of last week. We have just been so busy writing about all the insane horseshit you teabaggers have unleashed on our politics that we forgot to stop for a minute and appreciate the six years of joy you have brought us, with your whining and hollering and dressing up in leftover costumes from our first-grade play about the Founding Fathers. Read more on Happy Birthday, Tea Party! Now Die In A Fire…
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The Fartknocker Report: Add China To List Of Countries Sarah Palin Can See From Her House

The Sarah Palin Fartknocker Report, Presented By Fartknocker
If you enjoyed the Inception-inspired editing featured in last week’s Fartknocker Report, you will be a sad panda today, because Sarah Palin’s back to her standard derpsplaining-into-the-camera format. She published five videos this week, which might make it seem like she put in a full work week. On closer inspection, however, Palin’s wearing the same jacket in two videos published two days apart, with a total run time of 10 whole minutes and 24 seconds. Both videos focus on Obama’s foreign policy failures, and we will bet our bottom Bitcoin she shot them both in the same sitting. We are really not joking about Palin running a terrifyingly efficient grift in the game. Read more on The Fartknocker Report: Add China To List Of Countries Sarah Palin Can See From Her House…
  is mercury still in retrograde?

Sarah Palin Delivers Mostly Coherent Speech At CPAC, WTF?

Secret shout-out to the Muslims in the crowd apparently
We do not know what happened to our beloved sister Sarah Palin, but obviously someone sedated the hell out of her and told her if she dares to go off script during her speech at CPAC this year and vomit incoherent nonsense all over the stage like she usually does, she will get the hose again, precious, and no more reality teevee deals. Read more on Sarah Palin Delivers Mostly Coherent Speech At CPAC, WTF?…
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The Fartknocker Report: Healthcare.Gov Causes Sarah Palinception

The Sarah Palin Fartknocker Report, Presented By Fartknocker
TOTAL RUN-TIME OF NEW CONTENT THIS WEEK: 11:57 The Sarah Palin Channel’s latest post is dire, raw, and filled with Inception-style horns. It is a bold new expression in the form of grifter Internet teevee shows — a screeching across the sky — and if Inception hadn’t come out five years ago, Palin’s work might be given its due in the lamestream media. Read more on The Fartknocker Report: Healthcare.Gov Causes Sarah Palinception…