Tag Archives: sarah palin

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The Fartknocker Report: Sarah Palin Says Obama Is World’s Weakest, Most Powerful Despot

The Sarah Palin Fartknocker Report, Presented By Fartknocker
On this week’s Fartknocker Report, Sarah Palin can’t seem to make up her mind. In a video published on April 7, Palin insists that we need a new constitutional convention because Barack Obama’s tyranny has irrevocably broken the dreams of the Founding Fathers. The next day, she tells us about a group of gun nuts who got Obama’s ATF to back down by boldly submitting public comments, just like the men at Valley Forge did. The Tundra Grifter was a little all over the place this week, but what else is new? Read more on The Fartknocker Report: Sarah Palin Says Obama Is World’s Weakest, Most Powerful Despot…
  But what if a bad guy with a gun gets in?

No Guns Allowed At NRA Convention, Now Everyone Will Get Mugged :(

But how can I get Sarah Palin to autograph my lady gun if I can't take it to the convention?
WHOA gun-humpers better put their right hands on their hearts and their left hands on the guns they put in their underpants to make their bulges look bigger, because the beloved National Rifle Association may have been infiltrated by Obama-loving anti-American liberals. They have announced that at their annual convention of donkey-fucking nutbags, to be held this weekend in Nashville, you aren’t even allowed to have loaded guns! How is this even safe? What if a bad guy with a gun somehow infiltrates the premises, like an Ay-rab or a black person? Read more on No Guns Allowed At NRA Convention, Now Everyone Will Get Mugged :(…
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The Fartknocker Report: Sarah Palin To Save All The Anchor Babies From Mean Obama, Wait What?

The Sarah Palin Fartknocker Report, Presented By Fartknocker
Let’s see, which warmed-over, 30-day-old story should we choose for this week’s Sarah Palin Fartknocker Report, Presented By Fartknocker? Oooh, this one looks fun! It’s a video about “maternity hotels,” which are places in U.S. America where THE YELLOW MENACE comes to pop out their job-stealing anchor babbies. The Tundra Grifter is right to point out that this odious practice ought to be banned, and you’d think she’d be pleased to hear that President Nobummer raided 37 “maternity hotels” in California last month. Ha ha, the idea that Sarah Palin would give Barack Obama credit for doing what she said he should do, this is famous joke among Yr Wonket’s people. Let’s go to the tape! Read more on The Fartknocker Report: Sarah Palin To Save All The Anchor Babies From Mean Obama, Wait What?…
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Deleted Comments Of The Week: Oh Yeah Wonket? Well YOU’RE An Abortion!

Dear Sir or Madame: I am outraged by the lack of variety in the .gifs on this blog!
This week’s crop of deleted comments made us feel a bit nostalgic, since a couple of them employ a rightwing rhetorical trope that we first noticed when we still read the local news-paper while listening to Fleetwood Mac on the Victrola. It’s the simplest possible sort of non sequitur: just take any current event and point out that the Scourge Of Abortion is far worse. “I don’t see why the plane crash in ____ is news when hundreds of babies are slaughtered daily…” “Your article on the Armenian Genocide reminded me that Americans are happy to deny their own genocide, legal since 1973…” “How can your reviewer complain about Ishtar when a true abomination takes place in Planned parenthood clinics every day?” So yeah, we got a couple of those this week. Read more on Deleted Comments Of The Week: Oh Yeah Wonket? Well YOU’RE An Abortion!…
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The Fartknocker Report: Sarah Palin Furious At Tyrant Obama For Letting ISIS Win All Wars

The Sarah Palin Fartknocker Report, Presented By Fartknocker
The Sarah Palin Channel is running out of things to say. The former governor of Alaska published less than six full minutes of content this week, and her longest video (clocking in at 2:17) focused on a four-year-old tale about the muzzling of a conservative student newspaper at the University of Minnesota, blah blah blah, it is just the most boring story about “free speech” you have ever heard. Read more on The Fartknocker Report: Sarah Palin Furious At Tyrant Obama For Letting ISIS Win All Wars…
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The Fartknocker Report: Help, Help, Sarah Palin Is Being Repressed!

The Sarah Palin Fartknocker Report, Presented By Fartknocker
In one of her three new videos this week — seven minutes and 34 seconds of total run time, for those keeping score at home — Sarah Palin decided to squawk about Lois Lerner, because apparently that horse is not yet dead and requires further beating. Her screed goes deep, deep into the realm of alternate history, and the whole thing is worth a look. Let’s Wonksplore! Read more on The Fartknocker Report: Help, Help, Sarah Palin Is Being Repressed!…
  There's always room for him at the Y-M-C-A

Congress-Model Aaron Schock Comes Out … Of Congress

Last tango in Washington!
BREAKING NEWS UPDATE! Aaron Schock, our beloved globetrotting Republican congressdarling from Illinois, the one what’s had all the ethics violations doggie-styling him for the last couple of months, is resigning his seat to spend more time posting hawt pictures on Instagram: Read more on Congress-Model Aaron Schock Comes Out … Of Congress…
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The Fartknocker Report: Sarah Palin Will Sue Obama For Stealing The Internet

The Sarah Palin Fartknocker Report, Presented By Fartknocker
The real story of this week’s Fartknocker Report (Presented By Fartknocker) is about Sarah Palin being super lazy all the way to the bank. We’ll get to that in a minute. But first, let’s watch a video in which Governor Quitterface boldly takes up the late Sen. Ted Stevens’s mantle as Some Alaskan Person Who Doesn’t Understand The Internet. Read more on The Fartknocker Report: Sarah Palin Will Sue Obama For Stealing The Internet…
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The Fartknocker Report: Sarah Palin Misremembers History Again, This Time Her Own

The Sarah Palin Fartknocker Report, Presented By Fartknocker
Remember when Sarah Palin said Paul Revere embarked on his midnight ride in order to warn the British? Or when her teleprompter broke in Iowa, and the resulting word salad was so rancid that even the Daily Caller sent it back to the kitchen? Well, Sarah Palin doesn’t. Read more on The Fartknocker Report: Sarah Palin Misremembers History Again, This Time Her Own…
  it's the ciiiiiiircle of life

Alaska’s Don Young: Let Wolves Kill All The Homeless People, Then We Can Kill All The Wolves!

You will be pleased to know that Alaska’s Republican Rep. Don Young has opened his mouth hole again. Did he say that people commit suicide because their friends and families aren’t supportive enough? Did he confess to murdering somebody for touching him on the arm? Did he wax nostalgically about his days on the farm, what with the “wetbacks” pickin’ all their tomatoes? NO, those were other times he opened the latch on his brain and let things spew forth. This time he just said that hey, you know what would fix homelessness? Wolves would fix homelessness, all y’all cities got homeless people because you ain’t got no wolves runnin’ free: Read more on Alaska’s Don Young: Let Wolves Kill All The Homeless People, Then We Can Kill All The Wolves!…
  the beast that ascendeth out of the bottomless pit

Happy Birthday, Tea Party! Now Die In A Fire

Happy sixth birthday to the Tea Party! Okay we’re a little late here, as the big day was in the middle of last week. We have just been so busy writing about all the insane horseshit you teabaggers have unleashed on our politics that we forgot to stop for a minute and appreciate the six years of joy you have brought us, with your whining and hollering and dressing up in leftover costumes from our first-grade play about the Founding Fathers. Read more on Happy Birthday, Tea Party! Now Die In A Fire…
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The Fartknocker Report: Add China To List Of Countries Sarah Palin Can See From Her House

The Sarah Palin Fartknocker Report, Presented By Fartknocker
If you enjoyed the Inception-inspired editing featured in last week’s Fartknocker Report, you will be a sad panda today, because Sarah Palin’s back to her standard derpsplaining-into-the-camera format. She published five videos this week, which might make it seem like she put in a full work week. On closer inspection, however, Palin’s wearing the same jacket in two videos published two days apart, with a total run time of 10 whole minutes and 24 seconds. Both videos focus on Obama’s foreign policy failures, and we will bet our bottom Bitcoin she shot them both in the same sitting. We are really not joking about Palin running a terrifyingly efficient grift in the game. Read more on The Fartknocker Report: Add China To List Of Countries Sarah Palin Can See From Her House…
  is mercury still in retrograde?

Sarah Palin Delivers Mostly Coherent Speech At CPAC, WTF?

Secret shout-out to the Muslims in the crowd apparently
We do not know what happened to our beloved sister Sarah Palin, but obviously someone sedated the hell out of her and told her if she dares to go off script during her speech at CPAC this year and vomit incoherent nonsense all over the stage like she usually does, she will get the hose again, precious, and no more reality teevee deals. Read more on Sarah Palin Delivers Mostly Coherent Speech At CPAC, WTF?…
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The Fartknocker Report: Healthcare.Gov Causes Sarah Palinception

The Sarah Palin Fartknocker Report, Presented By Fartknocker
TOTAL RUN-TIME OF NEW CONTENT THIS WEEK: 11:57 The Sarah Palin Channel’s latest post is dire, raw, and filled with Inception-style horns. It is a bold new expression in the form of grifter Internet teevee shows — a screeching across the sky — and if Inception hadn’t come out five years ago, Palin’s work might be given its due in the lamestream media. Read more on The Fartknocker Report: Healthcare.Gov Causes Sarah Palinception…
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The Fartknocker Report: Sarah Palin Moves Lips About Abortion, Lies Ensue. Surprise!

The Sarah Palin Fartknocker Report, Presented By Fartknocker
Usually, Yr Wonket has some discretion regarding which Palin-flavored entrees we will shove down your throats each weekend on the Fartknocker Report. Unfortunately, this was one of those weeks when the Tundra Grifter couldn’t be bothered to do more than one take for a single two-minute-long video. So open wide, we guess, because here comes Sarah to misrepresent some facts about the House’s recent abortion bill. Read more on The Fartknocker Report: Sarah Palin Moves Lips About Abortion, Lies Ensue. Surprise!…
  You'll have that Mariah Carey "Hero" song in your head by the end of this

Ted Nugent: Sarah Palin Is The Dream Dr. King And The Founding Fathers Died For

Ted must have been so nervous standing next to such a great American hero!
Ted Nugent said a stupid about Sarah Palin on the Lars Larson show, because it was a day, and why wouldn’t Ted Nugent take any opportunity to say a stupid about Sarah Palin? She is his HERO, you guys, and even more than that, she is apparently what the Founding Fathers were prophesying all along back when they wrote the Bible. Ted explained to Lars that Palin “is the perfect example of what our Founding Fathers envisioned for an experiment in self-government.” Read more on Ted Nugent: Sarah Palin Is The Dream Dr. King And The Founding Fathers Died For…
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Deleted Comments Of The Week: How Can You Libs Like Rachel Maddow When She’s Always Wrong?

Twilight Sparkle and Rachel Maddow would be buds, for sure.
Oh, dear, it’s been a couple of weeks since we last did one of these features, and the comments queue may be spawning new forms of matter, like the sink full of unwashed dishes in Withnail and I. Let’s see what’s been stewing, shall we? Or who’s been stewing over what, more accurately. Read more on Deleted Comments Of The Week: How Can You Libs Like Rachel Maddow When She’s Always Wrong?…
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The Sarah Palin Fartknocker Report: Sarah Sees Syria By The Seashore

The Sarah Palin Fartknocker Report, Presented by Fartknocker.
This is the screengrab posted by the Sarah Palin Channel for her video about the fall of Yemen’s capital. We are not making this up, and for once, we are not portraying Palin in a light less flattering than the one she has cast upon herself. Read more on The Sarah Palin Fartknocker Report: Sarah Sees Syria By The Seashore…
  yes virginia there is a constitutional clause

Bristol Palin Begs Legislators To Save America From Federal Tyranny

Constitutional scholar
Bristol Palin needs a favor. Can you do this one little thing for her, America? Can you email a bunch of state legislators in Virginia to demand they support bills calling for a Convention of States to amend the Constitution? It’s such a small thing to do in order to thank Bristol for the hours upon hours upon hours of quality entertainment she and her family have provided our nation. Read more on Bristol Palin Begs Legislators To Save America From Federal Tyranny…
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The Fartknocker Report: Sarah Palin Might Have Driven Us Nuts

The Sarah Palin Fartknocker Report, Presented By Fartknocker
Fresh off a beating in the conservative press, Governor Quitterface might be expected to lie low. But no. Instead, she pumps out a post a day, a level of productivity we haven’t seen in a while. And it’s killing us. Read more on The Fartknocker Report: Sarah Palin Might Have Driven Us Nuts…
  Nice piece of grift ya got there

Daily Caller Dude Suddenly Realizes Sarah Palin Is Dumb And Terrible, Would Like A Medal Please

Her?
Some “writer” at Tucker Carlson’s interwebs home for keyboard-banging anger bears has made an amazing discovery. And that discovery is that Sarah Palin sucks, maybe? In a column cleverly titled “You Betcha I Was Wrong About Sarah Palin” at the Daily Beast — apparently because it’s too highbrow to run alongside the typical piles of pixelated garbage at The Daily Caller — Matt Lewis, aka Matt K. Lewis, aka Some Conservative Writer Dude who has smeared his various bylines all over the wingnuttosphere, asks the extraordinary Hot Take Deep Thought question: Read more on Daily Caller Dude Suddenly Realizes Sarah Palin Is Dumb And Terrible, Would Like A Medal Please…