Tag Archives: santa claus

  No Atheists In Fox Holes

Santa Evicted From Public School, One Dad Plus Fox News Very Upset

Iwo Tannenbaum
With all the torture and police brutality and Republicans taking over Congress, we were worried that the War on Christmas just might not come this year. Thankfully, though, just like Santa soaring through the fog, led by a Claymation reindeer, it’s finally arrived, and Fox News’s Todd Starnes will get to open up his brightly wrapped box of butthurt under the Kwanzaa Tree after all. Read more on Santa Evicted From Public School, One Dad Plus Fox News Very Upset…
  Dreck The Halls

Is ‘Kirk Cameron’s Saving Christmas’ Truly The Worst Movie Ever? A Wonkette Investigation

Yes, it's very, very bad.
As fans of terrible movies and of rightwing Christianist propaganda, we’ve been looking forward to Kirk Cameron’s Saving Christmas for months now, but it was the news that it had achieved the dubious distinction of getting the lowest rating of any film on IMDB.com — ever — that finally drove us to the theater. Now, Kirk Cameron would have you believe that the low rating is in fact the result of a plot by atheists to destroy his movie (and maybe Christmas). There’s even an element of truth to the claim, especially if you replace atheists with internet trolls and destroy with relentlessly mock. Or maybe Cameron’s thanking atheists for all the free publicity. You know, reverse psychology. So yes, organized trolling has given Saving Christmas a historically low score. But is it truly the worst movie ever? Read more on Is ‘Kirk Cameron’s Saving Christmas’ Truly The Worst Movie Ever? A Wonkette Investigation…
  and one is about orcs

Ayn Rand Institute Head Yaron Brook Just Loves How Commercial Christmas Has Gotten

As a special War On Boxing Day gift, we bring you this Canadian Broadcasting Corp. interview with Yaron Brook, the president and executive director of the Ayn Rand Institute. He was delighted to clear up a few things about Christmas, especially the idea that it’s become “too commercial”: I think the real true meaning of Christmas is benevolence towards man, and it’s gift giving and it’s the enjoyment and celebration of life. And I think that one important manifestation of that celebration for life, that benevolence, is the buying of gifts, is the lights and having a good time. And being consumers is part of that. People enjoy shopping, they enjoy shopping for themselves, they enjoy shopping for other people. It’s a very benevolent activity. It’s a win-win activity and I think that is the spirit of Christmas. Consumerism, properly understood, is exactly what Christmas is about. The CBC headlines its story “Sorry, Charlie Brown,” but not all is lost for the old Peanuts special. All they need to do is re-edit it so that Linus’s “That’s what Christmas is all about” speech is replaced with Charlie Brown’s little sister asking Santa for “tens and twenties,” because all she wants is what’s coming to her; all she wants is her fair share. Read more on Ayn Rand Institute Head Yaron Brook Just Loves How Commercial Christmas Has Gotten…
  santa claus is coming to...break right! break right!

NORAD To Track Santa Claus, Drive Glenn Greenwald To Write 50,000-Word Screed About Oppressive Government Surveillance

Ah, Christmas Eve. A time to attend church (assuming you are not a godless heathen), sing some Christmas carols, finish picking clean the carcass of various retail establishments in your scramble for last-minute gifts, gird yourself for Christmas dinner with your racist Uncle Red, get the kids into bed so you can stay up late drinking eggnog and wrapping their gifts. And oh yeah, watch as the United States military brings its formidable resources to bear on tracking an imaginary fat guy flying a sled pulled by a major Nordic food source. Welcome to NoradSanta.org, your web source for all the ways the North American Aerospace Defense Command will spend Christmas Eve making sure Santa and his reindeer can land on every load-bearing roof all over the world to bring little children their Batcave Playsets and Hello Kitty assault rifles. NoradSanta.org has all sorts of games and information about Santa and his work. You can download apps to your iPadRoid, presumably to track Santa’s flight. Additionally the site features adorable propaganda videos showcasing all the wonderful technology the military has on hand to keep the country safe from marauding jihadis, Russian nukes and corpulent North Pole dwellers who for one night every year make a mockery of our nation’s “defend your castle” laws. There are also promotional videos from Melissa Joan Hart and Joey Lawrence for some reason. What, Tiffany Brissette was busy? Read more on NORAD To Track Santa Claus, Drive Glenn Greenwald To Write 50,000-Word Screed About Oppressive Government Surveillance…
  you want a present don't you?

Radio Wingnut Neal Boortz Dreaming Of A White MLK

Libertarian annoyance Neal Boortz, filling in as host of the Herman Cain radio show (which is an actual thing), added his fair-taxed two cents to the Great Santa Is White Stupid Foofaraw of 2013 Monday, explaining that 1) Santa is, yes, a white Caucasian European-American honky, and 2) Because shut up, he just is, all right? We’ve got another eight days of this crap, folks, and it is apparently here for the duration. But it’s at least a little different from the usual screaming idiocy of the War on Christmas, so there’s that. Read more on Radio Wingnut Neal Boortz Dreaming Of A White MLK…
  it's the most wonderful time of the year

New Mexico Teacher Helps Make ‘Santa Is White’ Official Stupidest Meme For Christmas 2013

Thanks to a 9th-grade teacher in Rio Rancho, New Mexico, America now has its Official Stupidest Meme for the 2013 holiday season. Megyn Kelly’s teevee contribution to the idiocy was certainly the first and loudest, but an unnamed teacher at Cleveland High School gave “Don’t you know Santa Claus is white?” its definitive real-world test drive last week, mocking (ironically?) an autistic black kid wearing a Santa hat & beard to school. As far as we’re concerned, that’s all the tipping point needed: 2013 is now the Year Of White Santa. Now let’s all go make some children cry! Read more on New Mexico Teacher Helps Make ‘Santa Is White’ Official Stupidest Meme For Christmas 2013…
  all the derp that's fit to herp

Derp Roundup: Your Weekly Tour Of The Terrible

Happy Saturday, Wonquistadores! Every week, our web browsers overflow with a fetid slop of stories that were too stoopid to ignore altogether, but not quite worth full posts of their own. Then we mop up the mess and wring out the smelly excess into a big old bucket we call the Derp Roundup. Add grain alcohol, stir, and enjoy! Read more on Derp Roundup: Your Weekly Tour Of The Terrible…
  dreaming of a caucasian christmas

Fox News’ Megyn Kelly OK With Inclusiveness But Santa And Jesus Are Definitely White

Here’s one way to talk about a fictional character: When I was a kid, I knew two different Santa Clauses. The first had a fat belly, rosy cheeks, a long white beard, and skin as pink as bubble gum … Then there was the Santa in my family’s household … A near-carbon copy of the first one — big belly, rosy cheeks, long white beard: check, check, check. But his skin was as dark as mine. That would be Aisha Harris in Slate, suggesting that maybe it might be nice, if Santa’s truly a universal figure for the kids, to maybe move away from being a fat old white man. She suggests maybe a penguin, which would require some polar relocation (but hey, when the North Pole is open water in 25 years, a South-Pole-based Santa would have an advantage). And then there’s Megyn Kelly on Fox, reassuring all the “kids watching at home” that Santa is very definitely a white guy. As is Jesus. We’re not sure what’s more disconcerting — Kelly’s certainty about the race of a fictional character, or her certainty that kids in the Santa-believing age range are watching Fox News. Read more on Fox News’ Megyn Kelly OK With Inclusiveness But Santa And Jesus Are Definitely White…
  we better stop or we'll go blind

Sunday Bloody NYT Sunday: The Edition That Made Us Feel Good In That Special Way

For some, reading the Sunday New York Times is the ultimate in masturbatory opulence. Would you like to learn about how private jets are getting more affordable because they are now in the reach of super affluent people instead of small-country-owning affluent people? Sure, why not! How about reading how the rich buy $2.4 million houses and then squabble over $750, because they’re just like us, if we were jerkwad tightwads? Howzabout some unholy Google Glass/modeling mashup thingy from New York Fashion week where you can see a picture of Google founder Sergey Brin attired in his best shady/comical Eastern European gangster gear? If none of these completely unattainable candyland fantasy activities please you for your Sunday self-pleasure, perhaps you are a Republican and you would like to fap to the perennial, but still super-sexy, fever dream of impeaching Bamz that we talked about only a few days ago? Read more on Sunday Bloody NYT Sunday: The Edition That Made Us Feel Good In That Special Way…
  exploiter of cheap elf labor

Proponent Of Surveillance State Prominently Featured On Maryland Ballot

Your Comics Curmudgeon just returned from standing in a mildly long line in the moderately cold weather, to vote, so he is basically history’s greatest hero for democracy. Though ultimately another vote for Barry Soetero was saved onto an inscrutable smartcard that will presumably be thrown directly in the garbage, a last-minute once-over of the ballot revealed another candidate deserving of our attention, despite the oppressive liberal media blackout. Can you really afford to not vote for someone who is all-knowing and also brings you presents annually? Find out the shocking truth, after the jump! Read more on Proponent Of Surveillance State Prominently Featured On Maryland Ballot…
  probably less crazy than Tea Party dudes

Yes, Virginia, There Is A (Sad Befuddled Old Man Running For Congress Who Thinks He Is) Santa Claus

Well now we have TWO Sadz! First we watched the Span’s rerun of the Gore-Bush debate where Jorge Boosh said things like “an elderly,” and now we have read this Daily Caller piece about a seemingly sort of disassociative old man who is running for Congress (as a Republican) in Michigan, and who may kind of think he is Santy Claus. Now, why Daily Caller is going after a Republican is beyond us (sloooow news day?), but they not only point out old St. Nick’s possible need for therapy, but also his bankruptcy and how some lady follows him around calling him a crook. MEAN LADY, LEAVE SANTA ALOOOOONE. Read more on Yes, Virginia, There Is A (Sad Befuddled Old Man Running For Congress Who Thinks He Is) Santa Claus…
  flotus files

Michelle Obama Reads Christmas Stories With Kermit, Malia Acts Bored

‘Twas the Christmas Tree-Lighting Time at the White House last Thursday night, and this year’s theme was “Controversy and Nostalgia.” Controversy, because for the first time since the debut of Dallas, there was a new tree at the White House. (The old one got knocked down by winds or Katrina or something, and the new tree is a gay terrorist tree, from New Jersey.) Americans like their traditions, so this was a risky move, but luckily the Olds were entertained by Muppets and that Carson character from the MTV Total Request Live. Our lovely FLOTUS was the star performer, of course. She read a story with Kermit the Frog, which delighted everyone, except Malia Obama, whose life is now ruined. Read more on Michelle Obama Reads Christmas Stories With Kermit, Malia Acts Bored…
  thanksgiving needs more guns

Arizona Gun Nuts Pose Children With Assault Rifles and Santa

Have you somehow forgotten about Arizona these past few days? Let’s remember it all over again, for the holidays! Nothing says “mythology of the peaceful savior Jesus” like an Arizona gun club hosting a Guns ‘n Santa family foto event. “I thinks it’s going to be all in fun from those who support the second amendment and those who don’t,” a local gun nut tells the teevee news in Phoenix. We heartily agree! Read more on Arizona Gun Nuts Pose Children With Assault Rifles and Santa…
  flotus files

Michelle Obama Saves Christmas With Emergency NORAD Santa Hotline

A long time ago, a bunch of gullible children in Colorado read a Sears ad in a “newspaper” — an ancient method of distributing information — and spent Christmas Eve calling a telephone number they believed would allow them to track the whereabouts of Santa Claus. Instead, they were connected to NORAD, and since the guys manning the phones were totally bored searching the sky for Soviet missiles, they thought, “How swell!” and decided to sit around telling 8-year-olds how much longer they would have to wait for their stockings to be filled with gas masks and Everlasting Gobstoppers. Half a century later, our North American Aerospace Defense Command still had nothing to do on Christmas Eve, and it invited our FLOTUS to partake in the merriment. Read more on Michelle Obama Saves Christmas With Emergency NORAD Santa Hotline…
  barry can you hear me?

Barack Obama Wishes You a Gay Military Industrial Christmas

Happy happy Christmas week, you elf-fellating scum! Yes, it’s time for the Season of Lying to Children about the existence of any one of a number of Magical Miracle Men. To truly get in the Christmas spirit, I suggest you cut down a Druid’s tree, set a sacred pagan grove on fire, and start an apocalyptic desert cult that grows into the world’s oldest and largest child-fuckery concern. Make it an LLC, or pretend it is “nonprofit,” whichever suits your tastes! And now, on to the worship of the One True God, Barack Hussein Obama. Read more on Barack Obama Wishes You a Gay Military Industrial Christmas…
  our fragile nation

TSA Announces War On Xmas Against … ‘Insulated Beverage Containers’

Christmas Eve is a very exciting travel day because it’s one of the busiest, most insane times to attempt to get on a plane. Plus, the weather is guaranteed to be pretty horrible because it’s winter. Also, there’s horrific stress as millions of people try to get across the country at the last possible minute because Christmas Eve is both the official start of the Yuletide Family Gathering and a regular work day. Terrible all around! Luckily we have the Homeland Security clown theater troupe, “TSA,” to come up with some random bullshit to ruin whatever hasn’t been ruined by common crowds and weather. Read more on TSA Announces War On Xmas Against … ‘Insulated Beverage Containers’…