Mark Sanford was involved in a SENSATIONAL high-speed chase the other day in South Carolina, where he has a lucrative freelance governorship gig. The driver of Sanford’s car was going 85 mph when he was pulled over by a state trooper, who wanted to know what the deal was with the 85 mph. For such is his job! Mark Sanford’s job is to roll down the passenger-side window, mumble “Mark Sanford” with all the engagement of a tape recorder that had previously recorded someone else mumbling “Mark Sanford,” extend his hand without ever leaving the car, and avoid a speeding ticket. [WILD VIDEO at The State]

While riding bikes with one of his sons, delicate human being Mark Sanford fell and sprained both wrists. Immediately, Sanford publicly blamed the episode on another person, specifically his own child. “[My son] had not yet learned the rules of the road, so to speak, and he turned left and I was stupidly locked in my pedals. So down I went. I was lucky I didn’t break both wrists.” So, smooth move kid. Anyway, what he really wants to talk about is his broken heart, which has been inexorably hemorrhaging into the rapids of a spiritual Rio Panama. His family is also to blame for this. [GreenvilleOnline]

Mark Sanford is sick, just sick to death, of Hypocrisy. First America was intolerant of true love and basically demanded that he pretty much ignore his own heart. Well, guess what, now everyone is angry that he has been spending time with his family! Specifically, everyone is criticizing him for using South Carolina’s money to fly to disparate low-budget hair salons and to attend his son’s soccer tournament, activities that are the actual diametric opposites of feasting on pre-sex carbonara with Maria, his Argentinian Roman candle. MORE »

Mark Sanford! You might remember this guy from a few days ago, when he cruelly Michael Jackson ex machina’ed what was supposed to be the Summer of Becton. His insane emails were of a more pornographic persuasion than those of Becton, so out of obligation to democracy, all of America’s GChat statuses then changed to reference Sanford. Alas! Tables turned again, with Michael Jackson playing the role of “Michael Jackson,” and everyone forgot about Mark Sanford and his Argentinian inamorata. That about brings us up to speed, to today, when Sanford and Sons and Wife took separate cars to some Faulknerian Camp David, which is, according to Sanford, symbolic of why Sanford is not resigning from his governorship or his marriage. In fact, according to a one “Tom Davis,” who controls all South Carolina politics from his Michael Crichton-themed masturbatorium under Sanford’s porch, SC lawmakers are looking to Jenny Sanford for clues about how angry they should be, at Mark, for cheating.  MORE »