Tag Archives: sandy hook

  lectures from the schoolmarm

Peggy Noonan’s Dead Aunt Is Smarter Than You

Another drinkie-poo? Are you really asking me that?
Graciousness! A lost art in America, Peggy Noonan mused to herself as she wandered the marbled halls of her Upper East Side manse with a pitcher of gin-and-NyQuil martinis in one hand and her Aunt Mary’s framed Ellis Island health card in the other. The card had notches in it to indicate that Aunt Mary had passed the examination of a shipboard doctor every day during her passage across the ocean to America in 1909, back when the country feared the dirty plagues carried by the filthy Irish from their home counties of Cork or Dork or Fie-de-Horsecow, or wherever. In America, Aunt Mary had pinned the card to her coat and worn it everywhere to let her new countrymen know that she was not one of those Irish, but a clean and (of course) gracious woman who would not infect anyone with potato blight. Read more on Peggy Noonan’s Dead Aunt Is Smarter Than You…
  Supplies Are Limited

Obama Isn’t Trying To Ban Guns, He’s Just Trying [To Ban Guns]

Via Buzzfeed via Facebook: CoalitiontoStopGunViolence Those letters you get in the mail that beg you to give money to feed blind children to the whales in disempoverished communities are called “direct mail.” Political organizations also use direct mail to raise money and recruit members because it’s weirdly effective, especially with people aged 65 and over. One such organization, the gun fetishist group National Association for Gun Rights, recently sent a mailer with a [fullashit] quote from our president, Barack Obama, on the outside of the envelope. It reads: “In the coming weeks, I will use whatever power this office holds [to ban guns].” – President Barack Obama Buzzfeed’s Andrew Kaczynski helpfully provides the real quote, which Obama said after guns had nothing at all to do with the Sandy Hook Massacre: “In the coming weeks, I’ll use whatever power this office holds to engage my fellow citizens, from law enforcement, to mental health professionals, to parents and educators, in an effort aimed at preventing more tragedies like this, because what choice do we have? We can’t accept events like this as routine.” Read more on Obama Isn’t Trying To Ban Guns, He’s Just Trying [To Ban Guns]…
  this must be the new world

Exene Cervenka Is Probably A 9/11 And Sandy Hook Truther Now And We Are Sad

Man, we love Exene Cervenka and X from way back. Like WAY back to “Johnny Hit And Run Paulene” back, so we are deeply sad and weirded out by the fact that Exene seems to have gone full-on conspiracy theorist on us when we weren’t looking. Say it ain’t so! Read more on Exene Cervenka Is Probably A 9/11 And Sandy Hook Truther Now And We Are Sad…
  26 days of idiocy

Hero School Board Member Martyred Over Plan To Lovingly Remember Sandy Hook Victims With Ammo Giveaway

Last month, lots of people worked through their continuing grief over Sandy Hook in their own ways. There were moments of silence and flags flown at half-mast. Some people, like Gregory Beck, a member of the Brookfield school board, which is about 15 minutes from Newtown, decided that the best way for him to remember the Sandy Hook victims was to engage in “26 Acts of Kindness” by which he meant that he would buy ammo for all his gun-fiend friends for 26 days. Read more on Hero School Board Member Martyred Over Plan To Lovingly Remember Sandy Hook Victims With Ammo Giveaway…
  medicare will now handle ted's cat scratch fever

Happy Birthday Ted Nugent, You Are The Worst And We Hate You

Our favorite-not-favorite rocker and gun enthusiast turns 65 today! We here at Wonkette would like to wish Ted Nugent a most happy birthday (or should we say Merry Birthday, because December? We don’t want to get yelled at for using the wrong word here.) Since it is Mr. Nugent’s 65th birthday, we are sure that he enjoy sucking on the teat of the Nobummer gubmint and begin using government-run Medicare. We wish him nothing but the best of healthcare — you’re welcome, Ted, for using our tax dollars to subsidize your rock-n-roll lifestyle. Let’s take a trip down memory lane, shall we? Read more on Happy Birthday Ted Nugent, You Are The Worst And We Hate You…
  land of a thousand dunces

Ted Nugent: Get More Guns Into Schools So Sandy Hook Kids Won’t Have Died In Vain

NRA board member and bozo birthday boy Ted Nugent, who is still neither dead nor in jail, marked the one-year anniversary of the Newtown Massacre with a WND column blaming the shootings on “political correctness” and warning that unless we arm teachers, eliminate gun-free zones, and do something about mentally ill people — as individuals, of course, not through government — then the 26 dead at Sandy Hook Elementary will have “died for nothing.” Silly us, we thought the reason that we needed to do something about idiots with guns was that the victims of Sandy Hook already did die for nothing. They died because it’s ridiculously easy for idiots with Rambo fantasies to get their hands on killing machines with high-capacity magazines, and even if some kind of meaningful reform of gun laws were to come about (a pipe dream, we know), that would not retroactively make the deaths of 20 children and 6 staff mean anything. There’s no redeeming those murders, no happy symbolic transformation that can give a Ted Nugent a moral justification for shitting on those graves. Read more on Ted Nugent: Get More Guns Into Schools So Sandy Hook Kids Won’t Have Died In Vain…
  guns don't kill people democrats do

Never Fear, Arkansas, Your Democrat Senator Will Never Come Between You And Getting Murdered With A Gun

Since it has been about 5 months since the President was inaugurated, it is about 4.5 months past time for the 2014 election season to heat up, because this town runs on scandal, protests, and never-ending electioning. Who’s opening their maggot-laden, corn-fed piehole this week? None other than conservative extremely conservative Republican Democratic Senator Mark Pryor of Arkansas. And what does he want us to know with his first teevee ad? Only that he wants to piss on the graves of the children who died at Sandy Hook, because the Second Amendment is the most precious thing ever in the history of all freedoms, no matter how many people die because of freedom, because some people’s freedom is worth bullets piercing the flesh of five-year olds. With Dems like this, who needs the GOP? Read more on Never Fear, Arkansas, Your Democrat Senator Will Never Come Between You And Getting Murdered With A Gun…
  bob davis is the real newtown victim

Minnesota Radio Host Has Best-Ever Apology For Telling Newtown Parents To ‘Go To Hell’

This week, Minnesota radio host Bob Davis, of Davis & Emmer, delivered a master class in victimology: the parents whose children were murdered in Newtown were victimizing Bob Davis by … well, we are not sure. Asking for universal background checks maybe, which of course used to be the sensible position shared by the NRA itself, and is still shared by almost 90 percent of its members. But he went on quite a tear, did young Bob. Like this! [DAVIS] And here’s the other thing that drives me crazy. They trot out the victims. And I have something I want to say to the victims of Newtown, or any other shooting. I don’t care if it’s here in Minneapolis or anyplace else. Just because a bad thing happened to you doesn’t mean that you get to put a king in charge of my life. I’m sorry that you suffered a tragedy, but you know what? Deal with it, and don’t force me to lose my liberty, which is a greater tragedy than your loss. I’m sick and tired of seeing these victims trotted out, given rides on Air Force One, hauled into the Senate well, and everyone is just afraid — they’re terrified of these victims. Then he told them to go to hell — which of course is hilarious, because they are already there. After the jump, let us hear his exquisite nonpology! Read more on Minnesota Radio Host Has Best-Ever Apology For Telling Newtown Parents To ‘Go To Hell’…
  stupid is as stupid does

Stupidest Man On Internet Proclaims Only Armed Guard Could Have Stopped Newtown If They Were In Exactly Right Spot And Lanza Didn’t Shoot Them First

Stupidest Man On the Internet Jim Hoft has perpetrated more blogging about the Sandy Hook massacre. As usual, he also performs multiple acts of vandalism on facts and logic. Today’s flaming bag of dogshit on the internet’s porch contains one (1) factual error and one (1) wholly specious conclusion. We shall resist the urge to stomp on it, but will rather douse it with the Water Of Fact-Checking and then carefully remove it with the Tongs of Sweet Reason. Read more on Stupidest Man On Internet Proclaims Only Armed Guard Could Have Stopped Newtown If They Were In Exactly Right Spot And Lanza Didn’t Shoot Them First…
  Organic Fertilizer For the Tree Of Liberty

Idaho Gun Fondlers Bravely Resist Tyrant Hussein Obama’s Imaginary Gun Confiscation Orders

This weekend, people who love liberty and semiautomatic weapons, which are the same thing, actually, gathered in cities across U.S. America for a “Day Of Resistance,” organized on 2/23 to commemorate the heroic freedom-loving service of .223 caliber rounds fired by AR-15 semiautomatic rifles. These innocent bullets have recently had their love of freedom unfairly maligned, simply because a few hundred of them were propelled at high velocity — without their consent, although it should be noted that they performed according to their design specifications — through the flesh and bones of twenty small children and six of their teachers in December. Organizers of the event considered the choice of date “clever.” Depending on location, the rallies were either a Huge Success or a Total Failure. Numbers are hard when a gun-related event doesn’t leave any corpses behind, so let’s say that overall turnout nationwide was somewhere between a few thousand and a million. Your Doktor Zoom attended the rally at the Idaho Statehouse in Boise, and can confirm that there were a few hundred people inside, the vast majority of them armed. No one was shot, not even the guy wearing a “Wonkette” sticker on his windbreaker, so that proves guns are not a problem and liberals are irrationally afraid of freedom. Read more on Idaho Gun Fondlers Bravely Resist Tyrant Hussein Obama’s Imaginary Gun Confiscation Orders…
  all apologies

Lutheran Pastor Sorry For His Terrible Sin: Praying With Other Religions At Sandy Hook Vigil

It is a good thing God sent his only begotten son to us to wash away our sins, because a Connecticut pastor had a doozy of one. (Please remove all children and pregnant women from the room, before you read the shocking thing you are about to read, with your eyeballs, which very well might fall out of your head and roll under the table.) We regret that we have to be the ones to inform you of this, but he prayed with ministers of other faiths at the vigil for the children and teachers murdered in Newtown. FUCK. YOU DIDN’T GET ALL THE PREGNANT WOMEN OUT OF THE ROOM! Now there’s gonna be all kinds of two-headed babies up in here, just because you never listen to us. But wait, you are thinking, this guy is Lutheran, not Westboro Baptist! Ecumenicism has been a thing for like decades! Surely this guy is not in trouble for praying with people of other faiths during a nationwide tragedy? That is because you are an idiot, because the guy was definitely in trouble, and he had to apologize. Luckily, he did. Because apologizing for treating people of other faiths as equally entitled to their faiths, and praying with them for the good of the community and the nation, was the right thing to do, and not at all spineless and craven. Read more on Lutheran Pastor Sorry For His Terrible Sin: Praying With Other Religions At Sandy Hook Vigil…
  a visit from the truther squad

Newtown Truthers Approach Center Of Conspiracy: This Nice Old Man Dog-Walker

Here is a quick glimpse at a little slice of American culture at the moment. There was a shooting in Newtown, Connecticut, in which more than two dozen children and teachers were assault-rifled to death, but you know that already. You might not know, though, about 69-year-old pet-sitter Gene Rosen, who lives near the school. According to Salon, here’s what happened the day of the shooting, when six kids showed up with a bus driver: “We can’t go back to school,” one little boy told Rosen. “Our teacher is dead.” He brought them inside and gave them food and juice and toys. He called their parents. It warms the cockles, Rosen’s kindness does. But that is not the glimpse we are glimpsing at today, no. The heartwarming story we’re gathered to hear together is how Sandy Hook conspiracy theorists have been wrecking Rosen’s life, for truth! Read more on Newtown Truthers Approach Center Of Conspiracy: This Nice Old Man Dog-Walker…
  guns dont kill people

Gun Show At Cow Palace Draws Patriots Ready To Fight ‘Revolution’

Good news, Californians, because tens of thousands of people showed up at a Daly City gun show this weekend so they could prepare for the “revolution.” When is the revolution, what are we revolting against, and how will guns help us defend ourselves against, say, Apache helicopters, tanks, pepper spray, and LRAD cannons? Shut up, Commie, not important, and how dare you question these patriots who are here fighting for your Freedom to overthrow democratically elected officials? Read more on Gun Show At Cow Palace Draws Patriots Ready To Fight ‘Revolution’…
  silver linings

Breaking: More Than 79 Million Children Come Home From School

In an incredible stroke of almost unanimous nationwide good luck, students of 67,139 of the country’s 67,140 elementary schools got to go home after school today, to their parents, or guardians, or whoever is in charge of them, and they didn’t really have a bad time when they got there. They may have been hungry, and there is a 19 percent chance they are in poverty, but children in every single state in the union got to go home today. Read more on Breaking: More Than 79 Million Children Come Home From School…