Tag Archives: san francisco

  crazy for sale: now at half price

Michele Bachmann’s New Hampshire Staff All Fleeing Like Hell

Epic head case Michele Bachmann’s entire New Hampshire staff has resigned en masse because she refuses to focus on the state, although reports saying that Rick Perry’s campaign is already busy pilfering some of them indicate this is mostly due to her being a blathering loser. She is such a loser, in fact, that the roaming liberal hippie mobs of San Francisco did not even bother to wander over and chant some godless queerness at her when she visited the city on Thursday, even for old times’ sake, for fear of catching a boredom-induced coma.  Read more on Michele Bachmann’s New Hampshire Staff All Fleeing Like Hell…
  elmo hates kleptocrats

Muppet-Wielding Protesters Occupy Rupert Murdoch’s Speech

This is going to be what’s it’s like for the Rupert Murdochs of the world, from now on. We hope, anyway! Just full-on harassment and outbursts until these kleptocrats are scared to leave their penthouses, which will then be burnt down, by dragons. Read more on Muppet-Wielding Protesters Occupy Rupert Murdoch’s Speech…
  nouveau fascism

San Francisco’s BART Blocks Protester Cell Phones For (Totalitarian) Fun

We would not have picked San Francisco for the first American city where “They” would start using autocratic control tactics on its disgruntled citizens, but here it is: civil liberties advocates are binging on tinfoil hats full of margaritas because the apparently fascist hippies running popular urinal and firing range the Bay Area Rapid Transit District blocked cell phone service at select rail stations where activists were planning a protest, to “safeguard safety with silence” or whatever nonsense alliterative Orwellian word combination sounds creepiest. (The BART actually has cell phone service, unlike the rest of America’s hobo transit, haha.) The protest was organized to call attention to the always-controversial BART transit police’s killing of homeless man Charles Hill, a protest which to transit officials must have sounded like “London riots in ur subway system.” Good thing they have an “off switch” for their customers’ phones! FIRST AMENDMENT SAY WHAT?? Read more on San Francisco’s BART Blocks Protester Cell Phones For (Totalitarian) Fun…
  if only all our bombs were filled with glitter

Glitter Bomb Strikes Tim Pawlenty At Book Signing

GOP presidential candidate and gay marriage opponent Tim something-or-other was unwisely lurking around signing books in known homosexual watering hole San Francisco when he was, as the kids say, “glitter-bombed.” Code Pink activists dumped an envelope of pink glitter on Pawlenty and yelled at him. Previously, helmet-haired balloon-head human Newt Gingrich had the special privilege of being the candidate progressives most loved to cover in sparkles. Iraqis throw shoes, gays throw glitter. Anyway, here is your next dark horse sour-faced GOP presidential candidate having glitter thrown at him: Read more on Glitter Bomb Strikes Tim Pawlenty At Book Signing…
  enemies list

Sensitive Obama Bans Reporter Who Took Embarrassing Video of Him

Remember this? Well somebody must have turned very red! And then he got a little angry: White House officials have banished one of the best political reporters in the country from the approved pool of journalists covering presidential visits to the Bay Area for using now-standard multimedia tools to gather the news. Read more on Sensitive Obama Bans Reporter Who Took Embarrassing Video of Him…
  liking liking

Obama Meeting With Famous College Dropout To Discuss Aaron Sorkin Plot

“President Obama will meet with Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg and other business leaders when he visits San Francisco Thursday according to a source familiar with the arrangements.” Well alright. Obama is apparently going to discuss innovation and science and his “Win the Future” thing. That’s cute, but America is totally bankrupt of ideas, and probably will be forever. Case in point: his administration is still calling this “Win the Future,” which sounds like a really stupid, pathetic branding attempt for a declining company/country. There really is no better name for this? So Obama will discuss innovation with these guys, and these guys won’t divulge anything meaningful, because if businessmen actually have any good ideas, they like to keep them from their competitors. The most productive thing Obama can ask Zuckerberg, obviously, is what it was like working with Bill Murray on Zombieland. Read more on Obama Meeting With Famous College Dropout To Discuss Aaron Sorkin Plot…
  quick! god! do earthquakes!

TIME FOR EVERYONE IN CALIFORNIA TO GET GAY-MARRIED AGAIN, OR NOT: UPDATED: It was originally breathlessly reported that Judge Vaughn Walker had lifted the stay on the decision to strike down Proposition 8, so that California is once again a state where the gays can do gross things like “nuptials” in front of our poor, innocent children. Couples were already lined up at City Hall in San Francisco! That sounds familiar! But it turns out the stay was extended until August 18. THEN Californians can ruin America with this “marriage” smut. [LA Times] Read more on …
  the homosexuals!

Rev. Lou Engle and His Three-Story-Tall Homosexual Jesus Giant

Hello, I am your new Wonkette reporter of The Homosexuals, and what they are thrusting upon society, or what is being thrusteth upon them. Sometimes I will post a round-up of what is going on that you might not have heard about, or maybe I will write about specific things related to The Homosexuals. It really just depends on how many keys The Editor has made for me! You might remember crazy wingnut pastor Lou Engle from the time he and Michele Bachmann convulsed back and forth with all their friends on video, imploring the Lord to Take Back Our Country through His preferred prayer method, which is, of course, loud communal fully-clothed orgasms. Read more on Rev. Lou Engle and His Three-Story-Tall Homosexual Jesus Giant…
  at least he didn't call it 'frisco'

Michael Steele Quotes Cole Porter To Gay San Franciscans

Did you know that in San Francisco Republicanism is not (yet) punishable by literal, physical death? Social death, sure, that goes without saying, you will be mocked and derided and nobody will have gay sex with you (or if they do they will make fun of you about it, later). And yet these brave souls soldier on, content to know that they are making the world a better place. Yesterday, they were rewarded with what surely would have been the request they’d have given to the “Make A Wish” Foundation, if they were dying of cancer: a visit from Michael Steele! Read more on Michael Steele Quotes Cole Porter To Gay San Franciscans…
  more stupid developments on a never-ending issue

San Francisco Bay Palestinetards Block Ship From Unloading Goods, Destroying State of Israel

Hundreds of protesters waved signs and flags and stuff at the Port of Oakland on Sunday because an Israeli cargo ship was coming in and this was the most important way they could protest Israel for some reason. Longshoremen refused to cross the “picket line” of weirdos because apparently it had some union backing. In San Francisco, remember, “union members” are not your usual blue-collar folks, they’re hippie-plumbers and hippie-electrical-workers and hippie-Teamsters. Read more on San Francisco Bay Palestinetards Block Ship From Unloading Goods, Destroying State of Israel…
  precious bodily fluids

San Francisco To Protect Us From Alien Cell Phone Mind Control Rays

It is a fact well-known to reputable science that all the electronic gizmos in your house are conspiring to give you cancer and funnel Dangerous Electronic Beams into your hypothalamus, which will leave you open to suggestions from Them. But our elected officials, who are bought and paid for, by the space lizards, just keep smiling and nodding and claiming that “everything is safe,” and type away on their BlackBerrys, which they hold very, very far away from their precious skulls. Well, no more! Now the brave San Francisco Board of Supervisors (who would be a “city council” in normal places) have made sure you know exactly how much deadly radiation will be beaming into your head from your latest Nintendo iPhone or whatever. Read more on San Francisco To Protect Us From Alien Cell Phone Mind Control Rays…
  the fancy life

Nancy Pelosi’s New San Francisco Office-Castle Costs $18,736 Per Month!

Woman politician “Madam Speaker” Nancy Pelosi is doing woman things again! Like, spending too much money, dagnabbit. She’s spending $18,736 per month on a fancy suite of offices in San Francisco — liberal San Francisco, of all places — and that’s (according to Roll Call) nearly twice as much as the next-most-expensive district office rent, in Manhattan. Rents are high in these gay-filled Big Cities, it’s true. But are they too high? Can something be done to stop Nancy Pelosi? Read more on Nancy Pelosi’s New San Francisco Office-Castle Costs $18,736 Per Month!…
  rumors on the internets

Barack Obama Caught Hanging Out In The Woods, Was Probably Smoking Weed

The Supreme Court will consider the constitutionality of Wii Golf and other obscene games that were never meant for children. [Hit & Run] Barack Obama had a friendly chit-chat with a group of “Muslim entrepreneurs.” Heavens, is that what the liberal media is calling terrorists these days? [The Caucus] Read more on Barack Obama Caught Hanging Out In The Woods, Was Probably Smoking Weed…
  also a nazi

Arnold Schwarzenegger, Modernist

It’s like a veto, but with a half-cryptic message! Schwarzenegger’s office responds that this is just a “weird coincidence,” kind of like that time when foreign actor Arnold Schwarzenegger somehow became Governor of California. And yet! The bill he was rejecting in this letter was one dealing with financing for San Francisco ports, sponsored by San Francisco assemblyman Tommy Ammiano, who apparently shouted “kiss my gay ass” at the governor at an event earlier this month. Meanwhile, California is still broke. [SF Chronicle] Read more on Arnold Schwarzenegger, Modernist…
  jobs for closeted gay republicans

Conservatives: Employment Awaits Near San Francisco!

Tipster “paperpush” sends us news that at least one (1) new job has been created in the Bay Area. Green shoots, etc! Are you a right-of-center sort of thinker with mad writing skillz and decent hygiene? Read on. Read more on Conservatives: Employment Awaits Near San Francisco!…
  just let the whole state fall into the ocean

Gavin Newsom Is Running For Governor Of Twitterfornia

Just a few short years ago, candidates for political office announced they were getting in the race by doing something civilized like standing outside and making a speech, to live humans. Now you just announce it on the vulgar “Twatter” service employed by narcissists, creepy old men, and highly accomplished [Note: Beautiful young “Meg McCabe” took down her insane Twitter rant about her accomplishments, dammit. –Ed.] authoresses. [GavinNewsom.com] Read more on Gavin Newsom Is Running For Governor Of Twitterfornia…
  gross

John Edwards Debates Karl Rove In Secret, Camera-Free Bankers’ Lair

Hey John Edwards, want to debate Karl Rove in San Francisco for some reason? Sure why the hell not! That’s what’s going on today in San Francisco, where the two are engaging in a discussion about the economy at a meeting of commercial bankers. No Cameras. This is only Edwards’ second appearance since admitting that he banged a dingbat f-list 1980s New York socialite, “Rielle.” He can slip in to San Francisco and debate “finance” with a Republican fraud-lord for an unusually high speaking fee very, very stealthily, because most media outlets in the area are busy covering the current Gays vs. Blacks vs. Mormons Marriage War that has set the quaint seaside metropolis ablaze. [ABC7] Read more on John Edwards Debates Karl Rove In Secret, Camera-Free Bankers’ Lair…
  electoral hangover

Your Post-Election Dangly Bits

Amid all the excitement of last night’s HISTORIC ELECTION a few important questions went unanswered, at least here on the Wonkette. For example: did fluorescent light foe and unrepentant baby-farmer Michelle Bachmann successfully defend her Minnesota district from insurgent chaotic-good lawn sprite Elwyn Tinklenberg? And whatever happened to that poop factory over in San Francisco? This morning, we have answers. Read more on Your Post-Election Dangly Bits…
  new vocabulary!

Sarah Palin Calls Herself & Supporters Alien Race

Seems like some reporter here doesn’t much know how to transcribe Palinese: “And there must be something about San Francisco and he because it’s like I heard on Fox News today, it’s like a truth serum where when he’s there, he seems to be more candid, and remember it was there that he talked about, there you go, the bitter clingers, the cling-ons, all of us, I guess, you know holding on to religion and guns and, um, so something about he being there in San Francisco.” It is spelled “Klingon,” as in, “Sarah Palin is a horribly mean space alien called a Klingon, and these are her Klingon friends.” This word is so much better than “Bitter.” So we’ll give this transcriber a free pass — BUT ONLY ONCE, SEE? Also: Jesus, did anyone understand any of that quote?? [CNN] Read more on Sarah Palin Calls Herself & Supporters Alien Race…
  that's disrespectful

San Francisco Voters’ Last Chance To Rename Poop Factory After George W. Bush

Californians in general and San Franciscans in particular love them some Propositions: loony bits of legislation dreamed up by hippies, supported by the signatures of thousands of people who just wanted that smelly weirdo on BART with the clipboard to stop jabbering at them, and voted into being by millions of citizens without the time or patience to wade through a 200-page “voter guide” before they head off to the polls. Propositions, in other words, are the most awful political invention since Democracy. Except Proposition R, San Franciscans’ comical attempt to name a local sewage treatment plant after George W. Bush. Read more on San Francisco Voters’ Last Chance To Rename Poop Factory After George W. Bush…
  turd fairy or whatever he's called

Hippie Tries To Arrest Karl Rove, Gets Smacked

This is a truly great clip, my friends, truly great, because it involves Karl Rove behaving foolishly. He was holding some sort of discussion panel thing this morning with former Democratic Sen. George Mitchell — in the communist port town of San Francisco. “Oh boy!” is right. First some crazy drunk lady walks on stage and tries to handcuff Rove, and as soon as she makes her move, he SWATS her hands away like a baby while staring straight ahead. And then another hippie goes nuts in the audience. Finally, Rove says some whiny thing, pretending to be offended, and literally everyone laughs at him and Mitchell is like, “shutup, fraud.” All in all a fine session of political discourse. [YouTube, ABC 7] Read more on Hippie Tries To Arrest Karl Rove, Gets Smacked…