Tag Archives: samuel alito

  here's the church here's the steeple open the doors and see all the oy vey

Ted Cruz Will Save Jew Churches From The Homosexuals

King of the Jews
Hey Jewish people, how was your weekend? Did you go to Jew Church and get very upset because you don’t want President Obama to force your Jew Church to do gay weddings? OBVIOUSLY YOU DID. But don’t worry anymore, because when he is president, Ted Cruz will shut all that down and your Jew Church will be safe forever, PRAISE JESUS! Cruz explained his worries to fellow sane person Glenn Beck last Thursday: Read more on Ted Cruz Will Save Jew Churches From The Homosexuals…
  Boo hoo

Supreme Court Losers Lose Their Sh*t Over Gay Marriage, And It’s Delightful

It's the end of the world! Except not
It turns out that not every single U.S. American is sexcitedly happy dancing because the Supreme Court confirmed that, per the Constitution, the Constitution is for everybody. Like, some of the justices on the Supreme Court (but not enough of them to matter, HAHAHAHA). Join us, as we read their word-weeping for their beloved institution of inequality, which is dead as fried chicken now, huzzah! Read more on Supreme Court Losers Lose Their Sh*t Over Gay Marriage, And It’s Delightful…
  An Act Of Face

Supreme Court Says Muslim Inmate Can Grow Beard, Sharia Law Now In Effect

America now officially over
Get ready for another round of whining about “creeping Sharia,” America. The Supreme Court has ruled that an Arkansas prisoner can grow a beard because he’s a Muslim. The justices said that inmate Gregory Holt could maintain a half-inch beard because Arkansas prison officials could not substantiate claims that the beard posed a security risk. Read more on Supreme Court Says Muslim Inmate Can Grow Beard, Sharia Law Now In Effect…
  ballroom blitz

Federalist Society 2014: Conservalawyers Throw Constitution Terrible Party

Image via Federalist Society video If you were in the nation’s capital over the weekend, you might have sensed a certain something in the air. Beyond DC’s typical ambient pomposity, there was an extra whiff of self-satisfied libertarianism and an elevated concentration of unironic bowties in the area of Connecticut and L, where the Federalist Society had set up shop for the 2014 National Lawyers Convention [sic: we’ve sent a search party for the apostrophe that has apparently gone missing from that title]. Read more on Federalist Society 2014: Conservalawyers Throw Constitution Terrible Party…
  Here have some news n stuff

Only Men Are Allowed To Use Daddy’s Name To Run For Office, Duh

He got there all on his own
Sometimes it’s hard to be a woman. Actually, it’s hard most of the time — thanks, MEN — but it’s especially hard if you’re a woman running for office: Last week, a statewide official in Georgia accused Democratic Senate candidate Michelle Nunn of cashing in on her father’s reserve of political goodwill during her campaign. This is true, but she’s definitely not alone. Sen. Mark Pryor (D-Ark.), Sen. Mark Begich (D-Alaska) and Kentucky Senate candidate Alison Lundergan Grimes (D) also happen to have famous political dads and have run ads featuring their parents. They have mentioned their parents at events. In fact, no one voting this year could ever forget the connection. Read more on Only Men Are Allowed To Use Daddy’s Name To Run For Office, Duh…
  Omission Accomplished

Sundays With The Christianists: American History Textbooks That Kept Us Safe From Terrorism

He Kept Us Mostly Safe Kind Of
Well, fans of Christianist textbooks, just like in 1989, we’re just about at the end of history once again, or at least the end of our two rightwing Christian textbooks, almost. Last week, our 11/12th-grade textbook, United States History for Christian Schools (Bob Jones University Press, 2002), closed out* with a discussion of the 2000 election, so this week, we’ll rely solely on the the most fanciful textbook we’ve ever seen, A Beka’s 8th-grade America: Land I Love (2006), which advised us that George W. Bush’s “most important” qualification was that he “unashamedly identified himself as a born-again Christian” who “took a bold stand against moral evils such as abortion and gay rights.” And his presidency was almost as wonderful as Reagan’s, we learn, largely because Dubya rescued us from the horrors of the Clinton years. Read more on Sundays With The Christianists: American History Textbooks That Kept Us Safe From Terrorism…
  This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things If We Are Ladies Anyway

Here Is All The Worst Supreme Court Suck On The Hobby Lobby Ruling For Ladyparts Only

If you want to spend your morning rage-reading the Supreme Court’s decision in Burwell, Secretary of Health and Human Services, et al. v. Hobby Lobby Stores, Inc., et al., aka, Actual Science Stuff v. People Who Think Your Birth Control Makes Jesus Cry, you may want to reconsider, because it will make you want to burn all the things. So save yourself some time and what’s left of your sanity, put an aspirin between your knees, and enjoy hating these most sucktastic highlights of the Supreme Court’s decision that corporations, unlike ladies, are people, and their beliefs trump your health care. Because men. Because reasons. Because religion. Because because. Read more on Here Is All The Worst Supreme Court Suck On The Hobby Lobby Ruling For Ladyparts Only…
  just saying might not want to click this one

Samuel Alito So Mad The Court Just Made It A Tiny Bit Harder To Excute The Mentally Disabled

Woo! Time to Supreme Court Celebrate! Apparently we’ve set the bar so low for this particular Court that we are now counting as a victory for the good guys the most minor of things, like the fact that the court today announced that they will make it a wee bit harder to execute someone who is on the cusp of an intellectual disability diagnosis. We’re number one! We’re number one! Is there a whiny dissent from Samuel Alito? Awww hell yeah. Read more on Samuel Alito So Mad The Court Just Made It A Tiny Bit Harder To Excute The Mentally Disabled…
  deep throat

Michelle Obama Will Cram Gay Sportsball Player Down America’s Throat During State Of The Union

Were you hoping for a complete wingnut implosion over this year’s State of the Union? Oh come on of course you were, because otherwise that thing is just so boring. You really need something like a “YOU LIE” or baby Scalia aka Sam Alito eye roll to make your night complete. This year, expect maximum levels of freakout over the fact that a blackity black black gay sportsball player is going to sit in the Presidential Box with Michelle Obama during the SOTU. First Lady Michelle Obama’s guest list for her husband’s State of the Union Address has been released, and several members of the sports community will be in attendance. Jason Collins, the first openly gay active NBA player, and two survivors of the Boston Marathon bombing will join the first lady in the presidential box as President Obama addresses the nation on Tuesday night. Shhh. Listen. Do you hear it? That’s the sound of a thousand inexplicably still employed right wing hacks sharpening their pencils and dulling their minds so they can use this opportunity to explain how this is just like Obama got up and dick-slapped our lord Jesus Christ right there on stage, because, as Ben Shapiro so astutely noted when Collins came out, if you refuse to use religion to shame the homosexuals, you hate God. Read more on Michelle Obama Will Cram Gay Sportsball Player Down America’s Throat During State Of The Union…
  talk is cheap and speech is free

Supreme Court Will Totally Decide Lying Anti-Abortion Group Has Constitutional Right To Lie

You solved the problem of lying in politics when you were like six years old. “Just pass a law against telling lies!” dumb little like-six-year-old you said, adorably. But it wasn’t that easy. “No, little you,” said a wise adult. “We have free speech in this country, which means that you can’t stop people from saying things even if they’re not true.” Then maybe the wise adult went on to explain that that’s not entirely true, that sometimes a lie actually can be illegal, in which case it’s called “libel” or “slander” depending on something, you were well beyond listening by then and already had a dozen Legos up your nose as you daydreamed about tort reform. Well, it turns out that little you was onto something after all. In the coming months, the Supreme Court will hear Susan B. Anthony List v. Dreihaus, in which the anti-abortion group Susan B. Anthony List is suing for its right to sue to put up a big billboard that says “SHAME ON STEVE DREIHAUS! Dreihaus voted FOR taxpayer-funded abortion.” Steve Dreihaus did no such thing, which means this billboard is A Lie and is therefore illegal under Ohio’s awesome False Statements Law. But but but free speech! But but… abortions! Buuuut DEMOCRATS! Read more on Supreme Court Will Totally Decide Lying Anti-Abortion Group Has Constitutional Right To Lie…
  nothing certain except death and taxes and having to suck up to justice kennedy

Whiny Gays Finally Get Day in Court, Keep Whining Anyway

Hey gay homosexuals! Be happy! The Supreme Court is going to hear your gay cases about all the sick things you gays do, like get married and serve in the military. Wait, what? You’re NOT uniformly happy that the Supreme Court will hear your gay cases because there’s some complex different issues blah blah blah? WHAT DO YOU PEOPLE WANT FROM US? Read more on Whiny Gays Finally Get Day in Court, Keep Whining Anyway…
  the special people

BREAKING: Someone’s Stopping Sarah Palin From Saying ‘God’ In Public

Today, the Supreme Court ruled unanimously in favor of the right of Fred Phelps and the Westboro Baptist Church to protest soldiers’ funerals, because we have this principle in America called “free speech.” Or rather it would have been unanimous, if the Court didn’t have remarkable civil-liberties troll Samuel Alito sitting on it. In Alito’s dissent, he said the protest amounted to “fighting words.” We have no idea how that differs from “fightin’ words” as in “them’s fightin’ words,” which we always thought were legal, albeit not too bright for a fella like yous, but we assume it’s a meaningless term Sam Alito just made up so he could give the government more power over speech. Anyway, the important takeaway is that it is now legal to say “God Hates Fags” and “God Hates Soldiers” in public, but private citizen Sarah Palin is not allowed to say “God” at all. Read more on BREAKING: Someone’s Stopping Sarah Palin From Saying ‘God’ In Public…
  always right

Sam Alito Not Going To State of the Union If He Can’t Yell At Obama

Samuel Alito is never going to a State of the Union address ever again, because he found out people don’t like it when Supreme Court justices disagree outwardly with stuff the president says, like he did at the last one. Alito does not want to sit there “like the proverbial potted plant,” he said, because how fair is it when only the one guy delivering a speech is allowed to talk during the speech? Alito and Joe Wilson should get to shout out racial epithets at Obama or perform scenes from A Streetcar Named Desire during the State of the Union if they want to. They are just as important as that guy. Read more on Sam Alito Not Going To State of the Union If He Can’t Yell At Obama…
  major oily taitz

U.S. (Kenya) Supreme Court Refuses Orly Taitz’s Appeal

America’s top J.D.-D.D.S. Orly Taitz has somehow lost her chance to appeal the $20,000 fine levied on her by a federal judge in October for filing “frivolous” litigation that the LSM doesn’t want you to know about. Apparently the Supreme Court does not want to tear this woman apart, in what would be the most entertaining trial ever. Who’s at fault? YOU GUESSED IT, Samuel Alito, who hates fun and denied the request. But Orly’s fight is not over. She is now appealing the decision to “an international court of Human Rights.” Read more on U.S. (Kenya) Supreme Court Refuses Orly Taitz’s Appeal…
  but squirrels and cops are terrorists

ROGER EBERT ON 5-4 OVERTURNING OF CHICAGO HANDGUN BAN: “Supreme Court sides with squirrel hunters and drug gangs against cops and innocent bystanders.” [@ebertchicago/Reuters/Sun Times]