sadness
Matt Drudge Has Melancholy Breakup With America, Tweets Sad Poetry
Matt Drudge, long known as the man behind the homepage of the Internet for people who still think it’s 1998, has recently taken to posting on Twitter. Because he is basically just a crazy, hyperemotional shill, it turns out that what goes on under the hat is a continual teenage-lesbian-poetry breakup with America. Cold rain in DC, [...]
Illegal Aliens From Space (Mexico) Pay More Taxes Than G.E.
Hi friends! Just checking in to let you know that undocumented immigrants paid an estimated $11.2 billion in local taxes last year — that’s $11.2 billion more than G.E. forked over, even though General Electric is a documented corporation that makes billions and billions of dollars! (Gawd it must be so sexy being a gelatinous [...]
Obama Will Prosecute 9/11 Suspects In Kangaroo Court, For Freedom
Yielding to dozens of Surveymonkey petitions, Barack Obama has decided that allowing Khalid Sheikh Mohammed and his merry 9/11 pranksters to be tried in a “normal” court — you know, where torture-induced confessions are not considered “evidence” — would be inappropriate, and that a sensationalized military kangaroo tribunal with a swift verdict would be much [...]
Glenn Beck Plots Media Empire, Restores Honor
Glenn Beck’s contract with Fox News expires in December, and you know what that means: George Soros is a scheming Puppet Master and/or Jew. Wait, no! It means Glenn Beck’s teevee chalkboard lessons and Cash4Gold infomercials will probably be canceled, since only the cream of the crazy milk watches his show anymore. But people familiar [...]
Cost of Living Soars As Income, Assets & Government Services All Decline
Despite consistent claims of low inflation during this endless Great Recession, Americans are paying dramatically more for gasoline, electricity, heat and food — everybody notices the $4 gas, but the jump in food prices to a 36-year record is harder to see because it’s spread out across your grocery bills. And now the official inflation [...]
Wisconsin Assembly Votes To End Collective Bargaining
After three straight days of debate, the Republican-controlled Wisconsin Assembly passed Scott Walker’s erotic union-busting fantasy earlier this morning, “before sleep-deprived Democrats realized what was happening.” The bill now heads to the Senate, where it will probably stay for quite some time, since Senate Democrats are still eloping in Illinois. Anyway, here is what happened, [...]
Kathryn Jean Lopez Asks Someone To Tell Her About Being Married
It’s Valentine’s Day, everybody — otherwise known as “the saddest day at National Review Online.” But NRO editor Kathryn Jean Lopez isn’t one to hide behind her sadness and resignation and Jonah Goldberg screensaver (when he was young and kind of cute). Instead, K-Lo asked a “marriage expert” to explain why she cannot seem to [...]
Rush Limbaugh Laughs and Laughs At Hippie Journalists Detained In Egypt
Screaming radio lunatics agree: Egypt is the go-to place for “epic lolz” right now, what with all the protesters being shot dead in the streets and secret police vans plowing through crowds of unarmed civilians! And what about all those foreign journalists being rounded up? This is also very hilarious, is it not? America’s favorite [...]
Americans Admit Their Religion Is Fading Away
The empty Saturnalia of Christmas has come and gone again, so it’s time for pollsters to ask depressed Americans if religion is still important. About half say, “I guess, to me, a little.” But 70% admit that their sad devotion to that ancient religion doesn’t really matter, as the actual influence of traditional religion on [...]
Christmas Monsters Steal Thousands of Toys From Underprivileged Children
Massachusetts police are investigating the theft of approximately 1,500 “Toys for Tots” toys that were supposed to be delivered to needy children rather than thieved. This comes just days after a similar incident in Maine, in which a shrewd entrepreneur silent-auctioned an entire Toys for Tots warehouse on eBay. C’MON AMERICA. Children are already the [...]
‘New Elite’ Doesn’t Even Watch Oprah, Hates America
Feast your eyes on this delectable comedy, penned by none other than “some guy at the American Enterprise Institute”: With geographical clustering goes cultural clustering. Get into a conversation about television with members of the New Elite, and they can probably talk about a few trendy shows — “Mad Men” now, “The Sopranos” a few [...]
NRO Gay-Marries New ‘Pledge to America’
Erick Erickson might be an anti-Pledge butter fascist, but the NRO is the exact opposite of that: Thursday morning, Republican congressmen are responding to that pressure by making a “Pledge to America.” The inevitable question will be: Is the pledge as bold as the Contract? The answer is: The pledge is bolder. The Contract with [...]
Do Not Read Donald Rumsfeld’s New Memoir
Donald Rumsfeld’s memoir will be published in January. Don’t read it: “Known and Unknown,” being published by Sentinel (an imprint of Penguin), refers to Rumsfeld’s explanation in 2002 for the lack of evidence that Iraq was supplying terrorists with weapons of mass destruction. “Reports that say that something hasn’t happened are always interesting to me, [...]
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