Yes yes yes yes. Tom DeLay’s second appearance on the the dancey weight-loss pyramid scheme show was last night! How big of a success was it, using DANCE as a metric? Let’s just say “mazurka”! It is crucial that you watch this video immediately, as towards the end, Tom DeLay nearly drops the Cheryl lady on her skull, and every time the video is played, it looks like he gets closer and closer to actually doing it. Anyway, watch Cheryl and Tom flail around to a harsh-sounding tango—a performance that earned them 18 sequins out of 30 feathers. [POLITICO]

If the town of Woodward, Oklahoma wore pants, it would be shitting them right now. The president is coming to visit, you see! No, not that president — the real one, with the sticker. He will make this 4th of July the most exciting holiday since Opal Cornhole’s goat got into the vodka-filled watermelon and spent the evening humping a lamppost. MORE »

The U.S. military must be in worse shape than we thought. Once content to harvest recruits from the ranks of the criminal, drug-addicted, and borderline retarded, they then moved on to calling up sad Southern muppets and asking them to serve. Now that our President has called an indefinite halt to post-July troop withdrawals from Iraq, America’s children might want to take a second look at this creepy Sesame Street video in order to find out why Elmo’s dad still can’t come home. MORE »

For all of you who wept the day that handsome Tony Parker married that little soap opera tart, it’s time to weep again: for America. Eva Longoria Parker supports Hillary Clinton, and when she explains why you might find yourself wishing she sounded as brilliant as another noteworthy Clinton booster, Paula Abdul. Frightening YouTube footage after the jump. MORE »