Ha ha, remember after the 2004 elections people emailed each other maps showing the sane parts of America getting absorbed into Canada and the rest turning into a squalid nation of Cheetos-addicted wingnuts called Jesusland? A Russian “expert” has now reached a similar conclusion about America — that we are doomed to decline and a dissolution of the union in the near future. Like, by spring. (Oh, and Russia gets Alaska back! Bonus.) MORE »

Since Barack Obama has a full 137.99% of the entire world’s supply of dollars, John McCain now finds himself at a financial disadvantage! He’s stuck with a pauper’s sum of $84 million in [*aristocratic shudder*] “public” funds, which is what Joe the Plumber makes in one hour. In other words, John McCain now knows what it’s like to be a Welfare Queen, and it’s not as fun as Ronald Reagan made it out to be. What’s a broke presidential nominee to do when he can’t legally raise funds for his campaign, accept private donations above $2,300, or accept donations from foreigners? Answer: raise funds for his campaign by asking Russians to privately donate $5,000 sums which he will accept. Do loopholes justify this? Eh, maybe, but when you get caught doing this sort of thing it’s safer to just call it a mistake. MORE »

What is this weirdness? Joe Biden was talking to some supporters this weekend, at a fundraiser, about how Barack Obama will basically turn into a totalitarian dictator after he’s elected, just like Hercules did when he rinsed all the horseshit out of Washington by diverting a few rivers. Plus there will probably be another war or something, which Obama supporters will have to get behind. MORE »

America’s favorite frienemy Decepticon, Vladimir Putin, was given this wild monster, a “tigress cub,” for his 56th birthday. He “was shown stroking the two- month-old tigress at a meeting with Russian journalists at his residence outside Moscow.” Rowr…?? The gift-givers thought it would be hilarious — a great party joke! — given Putin’s tendency to shoot tigers. Russian irony! Very dark! [Bloomberg]

Ha ha, here is the latest New Yorker cover, which proves Sarah Palin is an idiot. Tina Fey should get royalties. Speaking of New Yorkers, did you people know you can get your picture taken with Palin and some fake dead thing? [New Yorker]

• EVERYONE STOP BEING MEAN!: Georgia lobbed missiles at Russia, then Russia killed everyone, then the U.S. signed a deal with Poland for that missile defense thing just to piss off Russia, and now Russia is selling missiles to Iran and Venezuela just to piss off the U.S. WTF? Why can’t all of these people act like grown-ups, sheesh. [Times UK]

Excerpts have leaked from Charlie Gibson’s first of three interviews with Sarah Palin, which will be aired in some form tonight on his ABC News show. We were expecting a puffy sort of chit-chat, and it mostly is, except for the part where they talk about WAR WITH FREAKING RUSSIA. Now, when you run around saying Georgia and Ukraine should be let into NATO — as both John McCain and Barack Obama do — as some reward for establishing a vaguely democratic government, that’s much more than a harmless platitude — there are actual, real-world implications! No one has really bothered to push McCain or Obama on this, which is why it’s so hilarious that Gibson pushed Palin on it during her first big interview. And she fucked up. MORE »

• THE WORLD IS FAT: Apparently the Great Russia-Georgia Conflagration of 2008 broke some stupid thing called the “McDonald’s theory of war” which surmises that two countries containing McDonald’s restaurants will never war with each other, because citizens on both sides will have become terribly fat slobs, all. This sounds like some hollow postulate Thomas Friedman would’ve “invented” during the rise of globalization! And that’s exactly true. The 21st century will be an new epoch of warfare in which gangs of fat asses kill the other side with robots from their Xboxes. [Guardian via Kottke]

The Washington Post’s Richard Cohen, everyone’s favorite old coot of a “moderate liberal,” has written a sort of hilarious rant against Sarah Palin today. He calls her a “sitcom of a vice presidential choice,” which is probably the most apt description yet. Then he gets sassy, MMHMM: “Still, you have to admit that in all that time, especially since Palin became governor about two years ago, no Russian invasion force has come across the strait, maybe because she was in charge of the Guard, maybe because she herself is a hunter and an athlete.” Cohen also writes about Julius Caesar because fuck all. [Washington Post]

“Neoconservatism’s problem, and electoral advantage, is one and the same: By escalating international problems into monumental crises and impending threats, interventionists such as John McCain have been able to appear knowledgeable, ’serious,’ and presidentially tough, all at once. Any competitor preaching policy restraint and rhetorical prudence looks like a wuss in comparison.” This is why John McCain will win the presidency and we will be plunged into another decade of war and bankruptcy, concurrent with a precipitous decline into global irrelevance, loss of empire, roving zombie hordes, etc. [Reason]

Oh, this is just delightful. [BBC World News via Live Leak]