Tag Archives: rush limbaugh

  It's a man's game. For men.

Rush Limbaugh Can’t Believe Sportsball Players Aren’t Even Allowed To Beat Their Wives, Unfair!

Not a real man obviously
Have you heard the about the latest NFL outrage? Nah, bro, not that the Minnesota Vikings will allow admitted baby-beater Adrian Peterson to return to the game because reasons. And not the other outrage about how the NFL finally got around to firing lady-beater Baltimore Raven Ray Rice — because it just wasn’t obvious to the NFL that this was actually a bad thing, until it saw that video it hadn’t seen that it had totally seen. Dude, that is so last week. Read more on Rush Limbaugh Can’t Believe Sportsball Players Aren’t Even Allowed To Beat Their Wives, Unfair!…
  Or Maybe Hillary Did It

Rush Limbaugh Diagnoses Robin Williams: ‘Political Leftist’ Values Made Him Kill Himself

Actual quote.
Dr. Rush Limbaugh, noted pharmaceuticals expert, had some thoughts on the death of Robin Williams today, and he figured out that it had less to do with depression than with Hollywood’s politics. You see, Williams, like all other liberals, was just a really sad person who hated America, unlike happy jolly conservatives such as the joy-filled Ben Shapiro or the ever-mirthful Limbaugh himself. Read more on Rush Limbaugh Diagnoses Robin Williams: ‘Political Leftist’ Values Made Him Kill Himself…
  all the derp that's fit to herp

Derp Roundup: KKK And James Woods Gonna Clean Up The Border

But how did she end up with Twilight Sparkle's panties on her head?
Welcome to another Derp Roundup, the feature where we collect all the stupidest stories that we couldn’t find a spot for and dump them in a junk drawer for you to sort through. You may want to wash your brain afterward! Read more on Derp Roundup: KKK And James Woods Gonna Clean Up The Border…
  a league of their own

Rush Limbaugh Takes Opportunity To Remind Us Both He And Ray Rice Are Terrible

The ugly awfulness of abusive sportsball player Ray Rice’s existence has really caused a problem with maxing out our rage-expending abilities. We had to spend a whole lot of energy being mad at Ray Rice for being a woman-beating piece of shit. Then we really had to up our game and go light years beyond being pissed at the NFL because they handed out a whopping two-game suspension for the fiancee-beating. And then there was ESPN’s Stephen A. Smith explaining how maybe if ladies could just stop making men hit them, everything would be great. Read more on Rush Limbaugh Takes Opportunity To Remind Us Both He And Ray Rice Are Terrible…
  I Am Mad About A Thing

I Take Birth Control Because I’m A Slutty Slut Who Sluts So Hard. You?

Okay, so, birth control. It’s this, like, medication-type thing, right? Like Advil for your aches and pains. Or aspirin so you don’t stroke out or have a heart attack. Or Flintstones vitamins so you grow up big and strong enough to turn a dinosaur into a car. Or Viagra so when you and your bros jet off to the Dominican Republic to bang some prostitutes, your floppy flaccid dick actually gets hard, but of course you have the prescription filled in someone else’s name because HELLO, when it comes to sex pills, you are all, like, I want “to PROTECT MY PRIVACY, given the potential embarrassing nature of Viagra.” Understandable, of course, because when you’re popping sex pills, it’s sort of no one’s business, right, RUSH LIMBAUGH? (Yes, that was an actual quote from the actual Rush Limbaugh. Feel free to mock that FOREVER.) Anyway, birth control is pretty much like that. It is a medication type thing that some women (basically all women, like 99 percent of them) use in a medication type way for medical type reasons, such as, for example, endometriosis, which is extremely painful and can be treated with birth control. Such as also for example not wanting to grow a baby inside your body, which can be avoided with birth control. Such as also too for example you are getting married and then going on a fabulous two-week honeymoon to a five-star hotel on the beach, and you do NOT want to be a crampy, bloody, bloated bridezilla, so you’d like to skip it altogether please, which is possible with birth control. Stuff like that. How. EVER. Read more on I Take Birth Control Because I’m A Slutty Slut Who Sluts So Hard. You?…
  doctor heal thyself

Area Woman Still Can’t Stop Thinking About Sandra Fluke’s ‘Totalitarian’ Vagina

You probably remember Sandra Fluke. She’s the nice young lady who testified to Congress about how birth control is sometimes used by people to regulate their polycystic ovary syndrome or whatever, and so Rush Limbaugh went fucking nuts, calling her a slut (for a week) and saying if he was going to pay for her birth control (we guess Rush Limbaugh does not really understand how insurance works?), she had a duty to produce a spank tape for him. It was not Rush Limbaugh’s finest hour. Well, now there is a lady, and she is a licensed clinical psychologist, although — oddly! — her website does not list any of her training or her schooling or her specialties except that she will psychologize your kids, which you should probably hop on, and can testify about forensic clinical psychologist stuff in four states, and those four states really might want to look into that, because this lady, well, she is a treat! She thinks Gloria Steinem is making Illuminati hand signs everywhere, and that Nancy Pelosi is here to murder all the grandbabies (that one is just obvious), and oh, so many thoughts about Sandra Fluke’s “All-American, Totalitarian” vagina. Still. Read more on Area Woman Still Can’t Stop Thinking About Sandra Fluke’s ‘Totalitarian’ Vagina…
  pay no attention to the flaming wreckage

Rush Limbaugh Figures This ‘Airliner Shot Down’ Thing Just A Distraction From Scary Honduran Children On Border

Rush Limbaugh took to the air (not literally; are you kidding?) yesterday to say that he found it mighty convenient that an airliner happened to crash while Barack Obama was, we guess, just on the verge of being impeached over the Central American Children On the Border Crisis. Limbaugh, a veteran of 30 years in the talk show business, apparently finds something fishy in the news media focusing all its attention on something so mundane as a civilian airliner being shot out of the sky by a ground-to-air missile. Read more on Rush Limbaugh Figures This ‘Airliner Shot Down’ Thing Just A Distraction From Scary Honduran Children On Border…
  wonkette world o' books

A Review Of The Free Amazon Preview Of Katie Pavlich’s New ‘Book’

Today is D-Day for one of the most anticipated events of the year around yr Wonkette’s newsroom, for it marks the release of Katie Pavlich’s book-like substance, Assault and Flattery: The Truth About the Left and Their War on Women.We’re so excited! Not excited enough to actually spend $25 on the goddamn thing and help Katie’s book-like-substance sales, or make the trek to the library, or download a copy to our Kindle. Then we might find ourselves feeling obligated to read the entire thing and risk falling into an abyss of self-loathing and despair over our career choices. But we can read the free preview on Amazon and review that, which is about as much attention as this thing deserves. We know we’re in for some good reading just looking at the list of chapter titles: Lynching the GOP; Barack Obama: The Most Anti-Woman President Ever (this is the same Barack Obama who signed the Lilly Ledbetter Fair Pay Act and put coverage of contraceptives for women in his massive health-insurance reform bill, right?); The NRA: America’s Real Pro-Women’s Group… Good thing we’re not reading the book, because the material could not possibly be funnier than these titles. Katie, you’ve already peaked! But let’s read the rest of this free preview anyway. Read more on A Review Of The Free Amazon Preview Of Katie Pavlich’s New ‘Book’…
  smells like teen spiritual decline

Sundays With The Christianists: American History Books That Avoid Irrational Exuberence

Put on a plaid flannel shirt and break out your Nirvana CDs, kids, because our rightwing Christian textbooks are looking at the ’90s: Bill Clinton is the president, and America is in deep moral decline, because didn’t you just read the name of the president? Read more on Sundays With The Christianists: American History Books That Avoid Irrational Exuberence…
  b-b-b-benny and the derps

Ben Carson Civilly Disagrees With You About Your Filthy Sinning Gross Gay Marriage

Good Christ but 2016 seems relentlessly far away when we realize that we will have so much more of Bobby Jindal lurching to the right. No, righter. Keep going. We will have endless exegeses of the meaning of Hillary’s pantsuits. And worst of all we will have to continue to pretend that Ben Carson is both a serious contender and a serious individual instead of a laughable clown. Fresh off his amazing leap in illogic where he explained that government assistance is bad for everyone except Ben Carson’s mom, we now have Ben Carson’s Grand Compromise about the gays, which is basically STFU about your stupid gay marriage, gays, and in return you get more STFU. Read more on Ben Carson Civilly Disagrees With You About Your Filthy Sinning Gross Gay Marriage…
  no justice no peace

Eric Holder Forces Dinesh D’Souza To Plead Guilty To Crime Of Loving Free Speech Too Much

Remember back in January how unstoppable tyrant Barack Obama and his evil minion Eric Holder threw filmmaker and pretend smart person Dinesh D’Souza in a gulag for the terrible crime of not loving Obama and for believing in free speech and being an all-around hero? And Dinesh was all like “trumped up charges blah blah blah did I mention I made a film I will fight this to the death”? Looks like some of Obama’s goons got to noble Dinesh, because today he pleaded guilty to one of the charges — a criminal count of making illegal contributions in the names of others. It looks like the plea allows him to skate on the other charge of making false statements. Read more on Eric Holder Forces Dinesh D’Souza To Plead Guilty To Crime Of Loving Free Speech Too Much…
  good times

Casey Kasem (Yay!), Donald Sterling (Boo!), and More In This Afternoon’s Links Roundup

Hummin’ comin’ at ‘cha with Happy Nice Time Links. Alien designer H.R. Giger passed away, so we let Dok Zoom do a lovely and nerd-filled remembrance. Casey Kasem is missing, basically kidnapped by his wife and kept from his children, and we’re indescribably sad about that. Read more on Casey Kasem (Yay!), Donald Sterling (Boo!), and More In This Afternoon’s Links Roundup…
  clipbait

Jon Stewart Takes On The Twin Medieval Scourges Of Boko Haram And Rush Limbaugh (Video)

Jon Stewart managed to find a way to do serious comedy Monday with a segment on the kidnapping of Nigerian girls by Boko Haram, an act which even al Qaeda has condemned. “You know, there’s not a lot of times you’re going to get a Jewish guy to go, ‘I agree with al Qaeda.’ But wow … the group that never saw something full of civilians it didn’t want to blow up is saying ‘Take it down a notch.'” Read more on Jon Stewart Takes On The Twin Medieval Scourges Of Boko Haram And Rush Limbaugh (Video)…
  the conspiracy goes all the way to the top

Of Course Hillary Clinton Paid Someone Off To Throw Shoe At Her, Says Some Dumb Idiot

Man, we hadn’t thought of Bernard Goldberg in AGES because he doesn’t seem to have published any new screedbooks to pimp at CPAC about the lamestream media, but apparently he has kept on truckin’ over at his mighty fine looking blog where he and his bloggers — probably nine of them, full-time — are just kicking around the idea that maybe Hillz Clinton summoned the ghost of poor murdered Vince Foster to blackmail that lady into throwing a shoe at her head. Take it away, some guy at Bernard Goldberg’s blog: There is a political axiom, I believe first posed by Euclid or Archimedes, that when Hillary does something, or when something happens to her, she has carefully calculated it beforehand. This is almost always true, the one trivial exception being the nomination and election of Barack Obama in 2008. So it would not be stretching logic to suppose that Hillary arranged to have the shoe thrown at her. Remembering the Bush incident, she may have calculated that this would make her seem presidential. This would explain why Ms. Ernst was not pounded to a pulp by Hillary’s bodyguards, and why she seems on the verge of getting off scot free. Don’t be too surprised, the next time you visit Phoenix, if you see her sitting at a table in a downtown Hillary for President store front, stuffing and sealing envelopes. Read more on Of Course Hillary Clinton Paid Someone Off To Throw Shoe At Her, Says Some Dumb Idiot…
  couldn't happen to a nicer guy

A Children’s Treasury Of Reactions To CBS Declaring Stephen Colbert Pope Of Late Night

It looks like almost everyone on Twitter is congratulating Stephen Colbert on his being chosen to take over David Letterman’s Late Show, except for a few people who are surprised-not-surprised that the job went to a middle-aged white guy, and a few conservatives who are now going to boycott The Late Show because they had somehow forgotten to boycott it a few years ago when everyone in the Wingnuttosphere deliberately twisted a joke Letterman made. But for the most part people are happy, although some have a sad because it also means that the “Stephen Colbert” character will be leaving Comedy Central. Then again, that is just a character played by Stephen Colbert, so it’s possible that someone else could take over the role. How about Dick Sargent? Read more on A Children’s Treasury Of Reactions To CBS Declaring Stephen Colbert Pope Of Late Night…
  yes you may have some more

Nice Time: Maine Lege Overrides Governor’s Veto, Will Feed Hungry Kids In Summer

Here’s a Nice Time change from our usual school lunch story — instead of a tale of heartless dickery leading to poor kids’ food being thrown away, this time around we have a tale where the good guys win and hungry kids get fed! Could this become a trend? Yes, we do need to pause for just a minute to note that it should not even be news that hungry kids will now be fed. In any case, paper hats and hairnets off to the Maine Legislature for voting to override Gov. Paul LePage’s veto of a bill expanding a summer school lunch program. See, state legislatures? That’s what you do when your governor is a jerk who says that children should not eat food. Why can’t more of you be like the good boys and girls in Maine? Read more on Nice Time: Maine Lege Overrides Governor’s Veto, Will Feed Hungry Kids In Summer…
  nice time!

Sandra Fluke To Slut Up Your Congress. Be Careful Out There, Congressmen.

Hey ladies. How you doing? With your uncontrolled libidos, we bet you are slutting it up all over the place, so thank the Spirit in the Sky that you can get free government slut pills so you can be as slutty as you wanna be! But maybe you whoring whoremonsters need some representation at the highest level of government, to make sure that your silly little “rights” are protected from Neanderthals who view modern women as ‘sluts’ and ‘prostitutes.’ Where, oh where, will we find a heroine who will be able to articulate the need for women’s equal access to healthcare, perhaps one who has already faced about as much criticism from the batshit crazy right as would be possible? Well, wonkeroos, open your legs wallets for Sandra Fluke, who has officially filed to run for Congress in California!  Read more on Sandra Fluke To Slut Up Your Congress. Be Careful Out There, Congressmen….
  fight! fight! fight!

Rush Limbaugh And Ben Shapiro Catch Bieber Fever

Are you tired of thinking of Justin Bieber? Too bad, because now we’ve had some derpy weigh-ins from Rush Limbaugh AND Ben Shapiro, and even better, they do not agree with each other about the social meta-significance of Justin Bieber, so you just know we’re going to talk about it some more. Read more on Rush Limbaugh And Ben Shapiro Catch Bieber Fever…
  D-I-V-O-R-C-E

Obamas Totally Getting Secret Divorce Because Of Secret Sexytime Or Maybe Just To Make Rush Limbaugh Happy

From the same not-newspaper of not-record that first broke the story of son-of-a-mill-worker (TRUE STORY! in case you hadn’t heard) John Edwards impregnating himself with the double super secret love child of professional attention whore Rielle Hunter comes this Pulitzer-worthy doozy, which we TOTALLY believe: WITH a White House cheating scan­dal set to explode, President BARACK OBAMA and his wife MICHELLE are hiding a divorce shocker from America! […] The two locked horns in a series of ugly fights during their recent Hawaiian getaway, but sources say the death blow came when Michelle learned that the Secret Service has covered up Obama’s cheating – twice. After a “mole” exposed the presi­dent’s betrayal, a furious Michelle ripped into him during a bitter blow-out and raged: “I want out!” Obviously, this story must be true, because it is sexy and fun and so much more interesting than any of the actual scandals the lamestream media insists on covering right now. Congratulations, flaccid-bag-of-gas Rush Limbaugh. Looks like you get your pony! Why can’t we have Obama running around on Michelle or something? … Wouldn’t that be a much better scandal than Christie and bridge lane closures, for crying out loud? Why yes, it surely would! Read more on Obamas Totally Getting Secret Divorce Because Of Secret Sexytime Or Maybe Just To Make Rush Limbaugh Happy…
  toking the high ground

Florida Welfare Recipients Now Welcome To Get High On Life, Other Substances

Well, here is some happy news for 2014. The GOP is losing another battle in one of it’s ongoing wars. Are we talking about the war on women? No. How about the war on health care? Nope. War on Christmas? No, not that war either (we know — so many wars to keep track of). In fact, we are talking about a 2-for-1 blow to wars on drugs and poors! According to ThinkProgress, U.S. District Judge Mary S. Scriven struck down a provision that mandated drug testing for all applicants seeking welfare in the state of Florida. There are unconfirmed reports that residents of Colorado are sending celebratory brownies to all the poors in Florida.  Read more on Florida Welfare Recipients Now Welcome To Get High On Life, Other Substances…
  Today's secret word is booooooooobies

Please Stop Raping Rush Limbaugh With Your Gazongas

Well, kids, we’ve cracked the code on today’s Republican talking point: boobie-staring freedoms and how the liberals are trying to take even that away from us. First, the Daily Caller reported that progressives are trying to “take away our activities” of staring at boobies, which is a “freedom” right there in the Constitution (written in invisible ink, apparently) gifted to us by James Madison and Thomas Jefferson. And now Rush Limbaugh is here to also vomit words about boobie-staring freedoms, but he has a modest proposal for how to fight back against the scourge of freedom-killing liberals: So let me offer a first suggestion, the first way to deal with this that came into my mind. You find yourself staring, looking at, casually glancing at a woman, but you know that it’s now socially taboo. You shouldn’t be doing it. And you think everybody is noticing you doing it and condemning you in their minds. You shouldn’t — so you walk up to the woman and say, “Will you please ask your breasts to stop staring at my eyes?” Try that. Might help. And you don’t know ’til you try it. It is merely “human nature,” Rush explained, which liberals “just despise … and try to alter it and change it and create it.” Everyone knows the only acceptable way to alter human nature is to pop some illegally obtained Viagra to make your naturally limp dick, which God saw fit to give you since everything comes from him obviously, more turgid. Ahem. Read more on Please Stop Raping Rush Limbaugh With Your Gazongas…
  ugly vile little snark mob

Deleted Comments Of The Day: Why You Gotta Be So Mean To Movie That Lovingly Bashes Evil Atheist Schools?

Oh, man, we dun goofed. We have upset a nice Christian lady with our meanspirited mockery of a beautiful Erik Estrada movie, and we should feel bad, says would-be commenter “Nanadeg1″: Why do people have to bash someone who is trying to do something wonderful, bringing the word of Jesus to the younger generation. I am proud to say I will be attending the premier of this movie and have been waiting anxiously for it since they started filming back in July. My niece is the female lead and I am very proud of the young Christian woman she is and that she is part of this wonderful film. God Bless all of you and perhaps you should see the film before you pass judgement on it. We are genuinely glad that you are proud of your niece Nanadeg1! It’s exactly how a good aunt should feel. We’ll have to admit we have some doubts about the wonderfulness of a film that paints public schools and teachers as an oppressive atheist-run machine that is trying to destroy Jesus, and which appears (from the trailer at least) to lie about separation of church and state. But we promise to see it and write a full review when it is released in January. Heaven knows it’s sure to show on multiple screens in Boise. Read more on Deleted Comments Of The Day: Why You Gotta Be So Mean To Movie That Lovingly Bashes Evil Atheist Schools?…