Tag Archives: rush limbaugh

  Goin' Off The Rails On A Crazy Train

Who Caused That Amtrak Crash? Oh, Just The Gays

Maybe we can blame gay marriage.
Here’s a moment that’s more than a little iconic of what’s gone wrong with politics in your 2015 America: Within a few hours of the Amtrak crash in Philadelphia, House Republicans voted to cut Amtrak’s budget by about 20 percent. While they were at it, they rejected a Democratic attempt to increase funds to put in place a safety system that almost certainly would have prevented the crash. Read more on Who Caused That Amtrak Crash? Oh, Just The Gays…
  fair's fair

Iowa Republican Happy To Give You His Own Pee So He Can Drug Test Poors

Not as fun as new car :(
Everybody who isn’t A Dumb knows that drug testing welfare recipients doesn’t actually work, because SURPRISINGLY, poor people don’t actually live by the parameters of a typical Rush Limbaugh rant about welfare queens getting high off government paychecks and smoking drugs. Shocking, we know. Of course, Republicans still love the idea because A) they DO get their worldview from those Limbaugh rants, and B) they get to shame poor people! Yay! And now Republican Jason Schultz, state senator out of Iowa, has come up with a truly loving, Christian idea, just so nobody can say they’re singling out all those poors for unfair treatment: Read more on Iowa Republican Happy To Give You His Own Pee So He Can Drug Test Poors…
  except no he is not

Senate Cafeteria Cook Is On Food Stamps, Must Be One Of Those Moochers GOP Always Talks About

Not an exact rendering of the Senate cafeteria.
There is a piece in The Guardian written by Bertrand Olotara, one of the many service workers who ensures that Congress even HAS a place in which to grandstand, or alternately, sit around and do nothing. Olotara is a cook in the Senate cafeteria, and he and his fellow workers, employees of a government contractor, are pissed off, and they are striking. You see, Olotara, who cooks every day for senators and their staffers (when they’re not eating free Taco Bell or Chick-Fil-A), is on food stamps, because he is a single father, and he can’t afford to put food on his family on the $12 an hour he is paid to shovel gruel into Ted Cruz’s wordhole: Read more on Senate Cafeteria Cook Is On Food Stamps, Must Be One Of Those Moochers GOP Always Talks About…
  Tipgate

Prepare Madame Guillotine: Hillary Clinton Did Not Tip At Fast-Food Restaurant Chipotle Exclamation Point

She's coming for YOU. And YOU. And YOU.
It is far too early in the 2016 presidential election cycle to officially declare this is the stupidest story we are going to see, but hot damn, it’ll probably still be a strong contender by Election Day. Read more on Prepare Madame Guillotine: Hillary Clinton Did Not Tip At Fast-Food Restaurant Chipotle Exclamation Point…
  Tell us what you really think

Harry Reid Talking So Much Sh*t About Everybody Now, Does Not Give A Flying F*ck

Go on some more please!
Sen. Harry Reid (D-Boxing Ring) has rarely shied away from using his smack-talking Stern Words to smack-talk, sternly, but now that he is officially retiring at the end of this term, he really does NOT give an aerodynamic fuck at a mobile pastry. Read more on Harry Reid Talking So Much Sh*t About Everybody Now, Does Not Give A Flying F*ck…
  Great advice

Rush Limbaugh: Scott Walker Should Use Rape Jokes To Explain Quitting College

Always take this guy's advice
Is Wisconsin Gov. Scott Walker one of those maybe presidential contenders for 2016 we’re supposed to take seriously? It’s so hard to tell. He certainly seems to think so. He’s been visiting the right states and giving the right speeches and raising the right money and hating on the right groups, like women and unions and students and voters. And Rush Limbaugh said on his radio show Thursday that Walker is “a real candidate,” which proves it, right? Read more on Rush Limbaugh: Scott Walker Should Use Rape Jokes To Explain Quitting College…
  Don't believe the lies -- or the snow

Rush Limbaugh: Big Government Nanny State Controlling You Through Weather Warnings

His weather is just fine, thanks
While conservatives usually love a good snowstorm because it proves global warming is a hoax and Al Gore is fat, truth-seeking climatologist Rush Limbaugh is too smart to buy into the lies of such lefty media outlets as AccuWeather and the National Weather Service. He’s heard about this so-called Worst Snow Storm Ever, but he’s got a brilliant question about that, which you know is brilliant because he says his own self that “it is a brilliant question.” Are you ready for some brilliance? Brace yourselves: “How in the hell can a snow storm that hasn’t happened be historic?” Read more on Rush Limbaugh: Big Government Nanny State Controlling You Through Weather Warnings…
  Derp Overload

How Are Wingnuts Reacting To Paris Massacre? You’d Be Surprised! (No You Wouldn’t)

And Billo was one of the more restrained ones
While Parisians took to the streets with their “Je Suis Charlie” signs yesterday to quietly express solidarity with the murdered satirists and bystanders at the offices of Charlie Hebdo, the American Wingnut-Industrial Complex was in Full Panic Mode, explaining exactly why we all need to pay attention to this horrific terrorist act by three people that all Muslims bear responsibility for. Fox News’s Bill O’Reilly actually offered one of the tamer bits of stupid on the attack, complaining that when he condemned the murders, Barack Obama was actually downplaying the Muslim threat. The president had expressed confidence that France’s commitment to freedom of speech “is something that can’t be silenced by the senseless violence of the few.” Ah, but Mr. Obama has it all wrong, said O’Reilly: Read more on How Are Wingnuts Reacting To Paris Massacre? You’d Be Surprised! (No You Wouldn’t)…
  Glad we solved that problem forever

2014: The Year All Rape Ended Forever Because It Never Existed Obviously

Nope, no rape news this year
In the early days of 2014, the world was a simpler, happier place. Bill Cosby was still a kindly, grandfatherly funnyman and not a horrible monster rapist, and we all enjoyed playfully teasing him about his sweaters and Jell-O Pudding Pops until the joke was entirely played out and stale and not funny anymore, seriously, enough. Read more on 2014: The Year All Rape Ended Forever Because It Never Existed Obviously…
  Pretty Sure Jefferson And Adams Never Mentioned Feminazis

Rush Limbaugh’s Crappy Books Will Save Kids From A.P. History

Why teach American history when you can worship it instead?
The Grand Freakout over revisions to the Advanced Placement U.S. History (APUSH) exam continues. As you recall, the College Board’s changes to the APUSH test — which downplay memorization and emphasize more engagement with primary historical texts — have set off all kinds of fretting on the right, which worries that students won’t be told that America is the kindest bravest warmest most wonderful nation that’s ever existed. Read more on Rush Limbaugh’s Crappy Books Will Save Kids From A.P. History…
  And What About All Those Red Indians?

No, Mr. Limbaugh, Thanksgiving Has Never Been A Celebration Of The Pilgrims’ Triumph Over Socialism

The Platonic Ideal Of Cheesy Thanksgiving Photos
It’s Thanksgiving Day, so as we gather together with (or hide from) our families, however functional or dysfunctional they may be, let us remember the true meaning of any American holiday: It’s an opportunity to pound home a political lesson about why We Are Good and They Are Bad. It’s a revered grim tradition: You serve Susan Stamberg’s socialist NPR cranberry relish, and your Teabagger brother-in-law recites how the settlers of Plymouth Plantation nearly starved because they had socialism forced upon them, but finally prospered after they became capitalists. Here’s a fairly typical version of the story that was emailed to our Wonkette tip line in 2012; the story was also a favorite of Rep. Todd “Shut that down” Akin, and in 2013, Rush Limbaugh wrote a best-selling children’s book promoting the same fantasy. Read more on No, Mr. Limbaugh, Thanksgiving Has Never Been A Celebration Of The Pilgrims’ Triumph Over Socialism…
  never thought we'd say 'poor rush'

There Is No Escaping This Recipe From Rush Limbaugh With Jello, Stuffed Olives, And Miracle Whip In It

Always take this guy's advice
The Ghost of Recipes Past has scanned our archives and found this thing, which had previously run in July 2012. It is more Jell-O, for people who find Mamie Eisenhower a tad intimidating. Read more on There Is No Escaping This Recipe From Rush Limbaugh With Jello, Stuffed Olives, And Miracle Whip In It…
 

CNN’s Don Lemon: If Bill Cosby Rapes You, Just Bite His Dick

Rape prevention tips
NOTE: Just so you know, we’re going to talk about dick-biting. This is not by choice; it was forced upon us by CNN’s Don Lemon. So if you have a problem with dick-biting, you should lay back and think about the weather, because it turns out that dick-biting is also an excellent way for women to prevent rape. So really, this is a Public Service Announcement, and if you are someone who would like to not be raped, you need to keep reading. It’s for your own good. Read more on CNN’s Don Lemon: If Bill Cosby Rapes You, Just Bite His Dick…
  Maybe Those Ladies Said 'No' The Way That Means 'Yes'

Rush Limbaugh: Stop Being Mean To Bill Cosby Just Because He Maybe Raped All Those Ladies

It's all about context man
Rush Limbaugh — the greatest defender of black men and also the guy who is single-handedly trying to change the rape culture to reprogram boys to not do that — has some thoughts on Bill Cosby, who is black, and on rape, which is wrong. Read more on Rush Limbaugh: Stop Being Mean To Bill Cosby Just Because He Maybe Raped All Those Ladies…
  Rush Limbaugh Vs. Context

Rush Limbaugh Mouthpiece Lawsplains What Is ‘Malice’

Always take this guy's advice
Rush Limbaugh’s legal team is taking its completely serious defamation case against the Democratic Congressional Campaign Committee to the most important court in wingnut alternate reality: Fox News. On Hannity Monday, attorney Patty Glaser explained why quoting Rush Limbaugh verbatim is actually defamatory, because he also said some other stuff — sarcastically, but he said it. So shame on those uncivil Democrats! Read more on Rush Limbaugh Mouthpiece Lawsplains What Is ‘Malice’…
  Time for tort reform

Rush Limbaugh Will Sue All The Democrats For Repeating The Words He Said Verbatim

His weather is just fine, thanks
Serial libido killer Rush Limbaugh is making angry noises about maybe suing the Democratic Congressional Campaign Committee because it quoted him accurately. He claims the DCCC defamed him and made him look bad and is trying to hurt his business — and his feelings — by accurately quoting a portion of his Sept. 15 radio broadcast, but out of context in a way that might suggest that Rush misses the good old days when you were free to rape any lady you wanted, without any dumb consent laws in the way. Read more on Rush Limbaugh Will Sue All The Democrats For Repeating The Words He Said Verbatim…
  Nuke The Healthcare Workers From Orbit. It's The Only Way To Be Sure

Chris Christie Wants To Play Doctor With Nurse Lady, Mostly By Yelling At Her

Thank goodness you can't get Ebola from spittle
With no teachers immediately available to yell at, New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie has taken up yelling at nurses, we guess. In the latest twist on Chris Christie’s War On Health Care Workers Who Volunteer To Fight Deadly Diseases, the New Jersey Department of Health announced this morning that Kaci Hickox, a still-healthy nurse who returned to the U.S. and was clapped in irons for her own good Friday night, would be allowed to return home to Maine: Read more on Chris Christie Wants To Play Doctor With Nurse Lady, Mostly By Yelling At Her…
  Let's All Sing The Doom Song!

Obama To Declare Martial Law, Kill Us All With Ebola Because Slavery

Stay calm, OK?
We bet you never would have guessed that the diagnosis of one (1) human being with Ebola virus would lead to a whole bunch of daft conspiracy theories, did you? Don’t be ridonkulous, you would say to yourself. We live in a highly developed modern technological society with terrific special effects in our movies, telephones with more computing capacity than was needed to go to the moon, and medical care that is second to none, if you can afford it at least. We are so advanced that we aren’t even impressed by digital watches anymore, that is how far we have come from the primitive ape descendants we used to be. Read more on Obama To Declare Martial Law, Kill Us All With Ebola Because Slavery…
  Freakoutbreak

Obama Declares War On Ebola. Wingnuts Discover Ebola Just Misunderstood.

You can always find a scary Obama image, no matter the topic
The U.S. government will be sending 3,000 troops to West Africa to help build treatment centers and coordinate services in the fight against the Ebola outbreak. President Obama announced the initiative during a visit to the Centers for Disease Control in Atlanta Tuesday. The deployment will be done in coordination with the World Health Organization and will be centered in Liberia, where the virus has hit the hardest. The U.S. effort will build 17 treatment centers in that country and will eventually be training 500 healthcare workers a week in patient care and in sanitary procedures to prevent the spread of the virus. America will also be distributing sanitation kits to affected families and, sad part, distributing over 5000 body bags to municipal health authorities. Still, good on us! Read more on Obama Declares War On Ebola. Wingnuts Discover Ebola Just Misunderstood….
  It's Just a Cigar

Rush Limbaugh: Men See, They Conquer, They Come

UNSEE, UNSEE!
Prepare to push your twin beds together, Mr. and Mrs. John Q. Public, because Rush Limbaugh is here to give you some completely unsolicited sexxx tips on how to be sexxxy! Rush (and presumably the three former Mrs. Limbaughs) knows a thing or two about sexual disappointment, so his remarks about consent should be considered in the proper context. That context, according to Media Matters, is that Rush Limbaugh was talking about Ohio State’s new consent policy that “takes all the romance out of everything,” which is unfortunate because “seduction used to be an art. Now of course it’s prudish and it’s predatory and it’s bad.” And oops, we have just vomited all over our keyboard. Read more on Rush Limbaugh: Men See, They Conquer, They Come…
  It's a man's game. For men.

Rush Limbaugh Can’t Believe Sportsball Players Aren’t Even Allowed To Beat Their Wives, Unfair!

Not a real man obviously
Have you heard the about the latest NFL outrage? Nah, bro, not that the Minnesota Vikings will allow admitted baby-beater Adrian Peterson to return to the game because reasons. And not the other outrage about how the NFL finally got around to firing lady-beater Baltimore Raven Ray Rice — because it just wasn’t obvious to the NFL that this was actually a bad thing, until it saw that video it hadn’t seen that it had totally seen. Dude, that is so last week. Read more on Rush Limbaugh Can’t Believe Sportsball Players Aren’t Even Allowed To Beat Their Wives, Unfair!…
  Or Maybe Hillary Did It

Rush Limbaugh Diagnoses Robin Williams: ‘Political Leftist’ Values Made Him Kill Himself

Actual quote.
Dr. Rush Limbaugh, noted pharmaceuticals expert, had some thoughts on the death of Robin Williams today, and he figured out that it had less to do with depression than with Hollywood’s politics. You see, Williams, like all other liberals, was just a really sad person who hated America, unlike happy jolly conservatives such as the joy-filled Ben Shapiro or the ever-mirthful Limbaugh himself. Read more on Rush Limbaugh Diagnoses Robin Williams: ‘Political Leftist’ Values Made Him Kill Himself…