Tag Archives: rupert murdoch

  So long farewell aufwiedersehen fuck off

Let’s Remember 11 Times Rupert Murdoch Was A Giant Cretinous Sh*thead

Don't get your old dick caught in the door on the way out.
The day you all feared would come is nigh, Wonkers: Rupert Murdoch is stepping down as CEO of 21st Century Fox and giving the company to his son James, though he will reportedly still be executive chairman of the enterprise and, according to CNBC, will likely “still have the final say on whatever goes on at Fox.” WE KNOW, dry your eyes. So many questions! Will Roger Ailes still have a job? Will Fox News continue to suck so hard? (The answers are “probably” and “definitely.”) Read more on Let’s Remember 11 Times Rupert Murdoch Was A Giant Cretinous Sh*thead…
  Bill O'Reilly is doing field reporting now?

Fox News: BREAKING! Black Man Shot By Police! Oh Wait, Never Mind

Doy doy doy doy doy
Journalism-ing is tough! You try to get it right, but sometimes, no matter how hard you try, you fuck up. Like you misspell the name of Iran’s Ayatollah Khamenei (we did that the other day, doy!), or you report that you witnessed a black man getting shot by police in Baltimore, when what you actually witnessed was a black man NOT getting shot by the police! Fox News made this age-old mistake Monday, of seeing a man running and immediately breaking into a national newscast to report that the man had been gunned down by police, without first checking to see if the man had been gunned down at all. Oops! This is why we have editors, GUYS! Read more on Fox News: BREAKING! Black Man Shot By Police! Oh Wait, Never Mind…
  and how'd you become king then?

King Obama To Give Citizens Choice Between Voting Or FEMA Camps, Thanks Obama!

It's good to be the king
From the wintry environs of Northeast Ohio on Wednesday, an Arctic wind did blast out across the land, chilling the hearts of freedom-loving patriots everywhere. For lo, the Dread Tyrant Obama did proclaim that all the citizenry be compelled under penalty of death to travel to the voting-booth and place the appropriate number of chicken heads in the ballot-basket in order to designate their chosen representative in the Parliaments of the States and the Nation (the Tyrant Obama will, of course, remain King for life). Read more on King Obama To Give Citizens Choice Between Voting Or FEMA Camps, Thanks Obama!…
  Take that haters

Donald Trump: Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump. TRUMP!

He's got his eye on you now, NYP
Fact: Donald Trump gave the very bestest speech at the Iowa Freedom Summit over the weekend. How do we know that’s true? Because Donald Trump says so, duh, even though the New York Post is spreading vicious lies, which we know are vicious lies because Donald Trump said so about that too: Read more on Donald Trump: Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump. TRUMP!…
  Here have some news n stuff

Parents Let Kids Walk Around Neighborhood Unsupervised, Are Terrible Parents Obviously

But where are the parents?!?
There are terrible parents who do terrible things to their children, and they probably shouldn’t be parents and should not have children. Like parents who beat the ever-lovin’ crap out of their kids (yes, even if they are sportsball stars). Or make baby pose with a gun because LOL, it’s not loaded, what could go wrong? And they deserve to have jackbooted thugs take their children away from them. And then there is idiotic stuff like this: Read more on Parents Let Kids Walk Around Neighborhood Unsupervised, Are Terrible Parents Obviously…
  Here have some news n stuff

Mean Harry Reid Might Make Senators Do Some Work In December

Sooooooooo mean!
Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid is one mean grinch. Because the Senate, as well as the House of Representatives, has been so busy not working all year, Reid’s threatening to murder Christmas vacation, which for most Americans is maybe a day or two, but for the lazy sacks of lazy in Congress is usually about three weeks. Read more on Mean Harry Reid Might Make Senators Do Some Work In December…
  meet the meat

British-Flavored Idiots Think They’ll Get Muslim On Them If They Eat Terrifying ‘Halal’ Meat

Sometimes we forget, because Brits are so proper, that their papers are about a million times more scuzzy than American papers at times, particularly those that are owned by aging monster Rupert Murdoch. Murdoch’s Sun had a BIG HUGE EXPOSE about how Britons might secretly be eating halal meat like filthy Muslins do. THE HORROR. Except for that part where it isn’t actually a secret. Bloggers and news outlets were quick to jump on the story, pointing out the “secret” of Pizza Express’ halal meat policy was perhaps not so secret after all… It’s explained in the FAQ section of the company’s website, has been tweeted about by Pizza Express, and mentioned in previous news reports. Read more on British-Flavored Idiots Think They’ll Get Muslim On Them If They Eat Terrifying ‘Halal’ Meat…
  clipbait

‘All In With Chris Hayes’ Tries To Interpret The Gnomist Twitter Feed Of Rupert Murdoch

We haven’t been much on the “All In With Chris Hayes” tip for our clipbait, but yesterday Hayes unpacked the delightfully terrifying and terrifyingly delightful Twitter feed of one Rupert Murdoch. Truly, we do not think anyone else is running Murdoch’s feed, because the tweets have the same level of unfiltered lunacy of Donald Trump’s feed. Read more on ‘All In With Chris Hayes’ Tries To Interpret The Gnomist Twitter Feed Of Rupert Murdoch…
  no cigar

Sunday Bloody NYT Sunday: Special Thomas Friedman Almost Writes A Tolerable Column Edition

You know without having us here to explain the New York Times at you that today’s edition is pretty much wall-to-wall where is the missing plane and the seething slow menace that is Russia’s machinations in Ukraine, complete with some old-school Stalinist hoping and gloating that could have been written 50 years ago. Read more on Sunday Bloody NYT Sunday: Special Thomas Friedman Almost Writes A Tolerable Column Edition…
  leaders of the free world behaving badly

Oh Yeah, Rupert Murdoch’s Wife Wendi Deng Was Absolutely Getting Porked By Tony Blair Gross

We’ve been consumed — CONSUMED — with the notion that Wendi Deng, the decades-younger ladywife of Freedom Hero Rupert Murdoch, was totally getting porked by British lapdog to the stars Tony Blair. But did we have the means to prove it? Fuck no. Thank God Vanity Fair is here to give this story the kind of in-depth shoeleather investigative reporting it needed. Read more on Oh Yeah, Rupert Murdoch’s Wife Wendi Deng Was Absolutely Getting Porked By Tony Blair Gross…
  pimpin'

The New York Times Wants To Get Rupert Murdoch’s Wizened Member Wet

New York Times reporter Brooks Barnes heard some ladies in their 50s — who, he would like you to know, have had plastic surgery — being terrible. We mean, obviously they are terrible. They are women. In their 50s. And they have had “work.” Also, they are the first people in the history of the world to complain that Christmas shopping can be a bit of a chore, so they are clearly entitled pieces of shit who are hateful and should die. Anyhoo, after these dumb bitches stopped bitching about their bitch life of bitch shopping, they noted that Rupert Murdoch, that dashing fox, was “back on the market.” Read more on The New York Times Wants To Get Rupert Murdoch’s Wizened Member Wet…
  pecan our curiosity

On Her Majesty’s Secret Snack Bowl: Police Were Ordered To Leave Elizabeth’s Nuts Untouched

Here’s a weird little tidbit that’s emerged from the phone hacking trial for executives from Rupert Murdoch’s News of the World tabloid: For reasons not made the least bit clear in this BBC story, on Thursday, the jury was read emails from an NoW editor about suspicious nut-related goings-on at Buckingham Palace. Specifically, Queen Elizabeth was “irritated” by police officers taking nuts from bowls left around the palace for the Queen to nibble on: According to an email sent by Clive Goodman, ex-royal editor at the News of the World, she was “upset” by it. The journalist added that a memo was sent to palace officers, telling them to “keep their sticky fingers out”. Does the BBC provide any context at all for this tale of royal nut-cadging? None at all! In fact, the news of the edict to lay off Her Majesty’s royal nuts is interspersed with information about one of the defendants being declared unfit to stand trial. Which in some ways makes it all the more mysterious and wonderful. Read more on On Her Majesty’s Secret Snack Bowl: Police Were Ordered To Leave Elizabeth’s Nuts Untouched…
  mind the gap

Tony Blair Denies Putting His Danglybits In Wendi Deng Murdoch’s Vengeful Chasm

Sad news, friends, and that sad news is that a wonderful friendship, a bromance for the ages, is no more just because Rupert Murdoch thinks former prime minister and US buttboy Tony Blair was puttin’ it to his wife, Wendi Deng. Obviously, this is untrue, as no man can survive Wendi Deng’s ladygarden. But while we know it is untrue, because Science, why might Rupert Murdoch have believed it? Oh no reason, none at all, nothing to see here folks do move along! Read more on Tony Blair Denies Putting His Danglybits In Wendi Deng Murdoch’s Vengeful Chasm…
  Our D-I-V-O-R-C-E Becomes Final Today

Hey Ladies! Scary Old Rupert Murdoch Is About To Be Single Again

The terms of News Corp’s CEO, chairman, and destroyer of all things good in media Rupert Murdoch’s divorce from his pie-jacking, badass, third wife Wendi Deng Murdoch are set to be finalized in front of a New York judge today. And other than the little matter of poor Rupert handing over what some people have guessed is between 1.2 and 2 billion divorce dollars, and the 44 million dollar apartment in NYC which she is totally keeping, Emperor Palpatine’s doppelganger and his erstwhile bride of almost 15 years have all the prenuptial and postnuptial (which we were not even rich enough to know existed) agreements that one of the top 100 richest, and number one most evilest, media men in the world could possibly need. So this thing here today should all be pretty quick and painless, as far as billion dollar divorces go. But there was still some rather insidery stuff reported on the Murdoch split, thanks to Michael Wolff’s fairly overwrought article in the USA Today from a week and a half ago, that we did not see until now. Michael Wolff is a guy who wrote a Murdoch biography The Man Who Owns the News, and was also on Keith Olbermann’s old show all the time, talking about how Rupert’s news companies hacking the phones of the entirety of Great Britain and probably the USA might actually take Rupert, his terrible kids, and even more terrible empire down. But of course it did not take anything down and we were stupid to think that it might. And now Michael Wolff says that not going to jail or even getting into trouble really for the hacking thing, and now getting this divorce, have made Rupert Murdoch happier than ever. And isn’t that the most important thing? That Rupert Murdoch is happy? Read more on Hey Ladies! Scary Old Rupert Murdoch Is About To Be Single Again…
  Today In Grand Futile Gestures

Poors Pooling Their Hobo Beans To Buy Chicago Tribune And Los Angeles Times, Good Luck Poors!

Are you looking for the latest can’t-miss investing opportunity? Well sir, you can forget your whale oil and your arsenic hats and your unicycles, because King Newspaper is the hottest ticket in town! Not convinced? Then tell us, why else would literally several people be trying to raise $660 million via a “crowd-funding” site to purchase Tribune Co., the company that owns the Los Angeles Times, the Chicago Tribune, the Baltimore Sun, and other venerable news organs? Read more on Poors Pooling Their Hobo Beans To Buy Chicago Tribune And Los Angeles Times, Good Luck Poors!…