Posts Tagged ‘rumors on the internets’

Edward Brooke Does Not Care For Wealthy Old White Man Club That He Accidentally Joined Many Years Ago

Thursday, October 29th, 2009

A terrifying “flash mob” of ten — five sets of two — Tea Baggers stormed the Capitol and created a new coalition government with three Birthers. [TPM]
Senate likes Edward Brooke. Senate invites Edward Brooke to fancy ceremony. Senate gives Edward Brooke fancy gold medal. Edward Brooke accepts gold medal from Senate. Edward Brooke poops all over Senate. [The Caucus]
Why must Matt disrespect Billy Corgan so thoroughly? Some believe in H1H1, some don’t. And some are agnostic. Is that so wrong? [Matt Yglesias]
Hillary Clinton chanted the famous muslin prayer “Death to America” whilst prostrating herself before the holy shrine of Osama bin Laden. When will it end? [Gateway Pundit]
NEW MALKIN DIAGRAM! This week: the molecular structure of the Red Menace. [Michelle Malkin]

Tags: bill corgan, birthers, edward brooke, h1n1, hillary clinton, rumors on the internets, tea baggers
Posted in Wonkette | 71 Comments »

RUMORS ON THE INTERNETS

Cash-Strapped Disney Character Agrees To Represent ‘Green’

Tuesday, October 27th, 2009

What happens when a soulless pagan forest pixie asks to be removed from the RedState listserv? Well, to quote Christ… [RedState]
Tinker Bell is a fucking whore. [Michelle Malkin]
Dear Barack Obama: Focus! Focus on Afghanistan. Glue a map of Afghanistan to the back of your eyelids, so that you can focus on Afghanistan whilst you slumber. What are you doing right now? Eating lunch? You mean, not focusing on Afghanistan? See? Do you see the problem here? [Hot Air]
What America needs now more than ever is some good ol’ fashioned conservative pessimism and/or some classic doomsday scenarios — both, if at all possible. Thank you. [Powerline]

Tags: afghanistan, barack obama, john oxendine, rumors on the internets, tinker bell
Posted in Wonkette | 81 Comments »

RUMORS ON THE INTERNETS

Jesus Died For You, But He Totally Could Have Put You In A Headlock If He Hadn’t

Monday, October 26th, 2009

If the Phillies win the World Series, Charles Schumer will give Arlen Specter a cheesecake and Kristen Gillibrand. BUT, if the Phillies lose the World Series, Charles Schumer will give Arlen Specter Kristen Gillibrand. Quite the wager. [The Caucus]
Remember that part in the Bible — Chapter 3? — when Jesus decides to clothesline a downtrodden leper, who only wanted a glass of water and maybe a few soothing words to ease his suffering? That was really out of character, but a superb plot twist. [True/Slant: Harmon Leon]
Gorbachev talks about the Nobel Peace Prize, Barack Obama, and his upcoming solo album. [The Cable]
You have every right to be angry that Columbia students made a very offensive rap about FOX news, but at least be happy that you are not ~~flushing $80,000 down the toilet~~ in J-school. [Gatway Pundit]
Hezbollah cooked up a two-ton bowl of hummus and then invited the entire Middle East to the grandest hummus party in recorded history, while Israel — who for obvious reasons was not invited — sat at home and sulked. [Matt Yglesias]

Tags: arlen specter, charles schumer, gorbechev, humus, kriste gillibrand, nobel peace prize, rumors on the internets
Posted in Wonkette | 51 Comments »

RUMORS ON THE INTERNETS

Net Neutrality Is Like Y2K And Balloon Boy, Multiplied By Kristallnacht

Wednesday, October 21st, 2009

Kathleen Sebelius is asking all card-carrying commies to send an e-greeting to our Dear Leader Barack Obama, in support of his Red Menace public option. Chuck Grassley correctly identified this atrocity as Maoist propaganda wrapped in bacon. And it smells delicious. [Hot Air]
The data is clear: Americans would prefer to be anal-probed by UFOs, and not Michael Steele. [Matt Yglesias]
What has happened to our America? Hm? Black people sit on their bums, and collect their Social Security. Honest businessmen aren’t allowed to give to charity, it’s illegal! And our youth — teenagers fuck on the first date. And, God help us, that’s just the way it is. [Townhall]
Net Neutrality is the depth charge that will explode Freedom, which in this metaphor is represented by a U-Boat or something. [RedState]
The RNC no longer pleases Michelle Malkin, sexually. [Michelle Malkin]

Tags: aliens, barack obama, GOP, health care, kathleen sebelius, rumors on the internets
Posted in Wonkette | 41 Comments »

RUMORS ON THE INTERNETS

Protect America, Melt A Communist

Tuesday, October 20th, 2009

Erick Erickson harvested a mighty army of orcs and then instructed them to purchase 1200 pounds of rock salt as a special present for traitorous Maine-witch Olympia Snowe. But will Senator Snowe take the hint and melt? [RedState]
The Republican Insurgency Manifesto. [Ace of Spades]
How easy would it be to bribe Glenn Beck? David Frum would be willing to offer him fifty Sacajawea gold coins and a hand job, but there’s a catch! [The Plank]
Yes sir, this is our “volunteer army.” [Think Progress]
Senator Iselin and Gateway Pundit have compiled a list of the names of 207 persons who are known by the Secretary of Defense as being members of the Communist Party! [Gateway Pundit]

Tags: army, barack obama, commies, david frum, glenn beck, olympia snowe, rumors on the internets
Posted in Wonkette | 32 Comments »

RUMORS ON THE INTERNETS

Fox News Loves Chortling About Witty Halloween Costumes

Monday, October 19th, 2009

There’s the Hollywood Harvey Milk that we all know and love, but then there’s the real Harvey Milk, the Harvey Milk who was an asshole and a fraud and it’s just mind-boggling that a jerk like Harvey Milk would get his own Harvey Milk State Holiday. [The Corner]
An illegal alien costume, with a UFO mask and an orange jumpsuit and an expired green card! For Halloween! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. Fox News. Always chipper. [Think Progress]
Fast-forward to 3:15. Yes, that old man is wearing a baseball cap that says “Possum - the other dark meat.” And yes, he is also “rapping.” [Breitbart]
Helen Thomas = a birther. [Weekly Standard]
Interracial marriage? David Vitter does not feel comfortable commenting on such things. However, he would be more than willing to discuss his health and the weather. [TPM]

Tags: david vitter, fox news, harvey milk, helen thomas, illegal aliens, rumors on the internets
Posted in Wonkette | 79 Comments »

RUMORS ON THE INTERNETS

Jonah Goldberg Has An Advanced Degree In Zombieology

Thursday, October 15th, 2009

What is ‘Max Baucus’? We simply do not know. [Matt Yglesias]
Today’s RedState lecture: “How Limbaugh’s embodiment of MLK’s dream changed my life.” Please take notes because you’ll be tested on this material at the end of the semester. [RedState]
How will Jonah Goldberg survive the impending zombie apocalypse?! Hiding in a spider hole at the bottom of Lake Superior might work, but then again, Lake Superior freezes in the winter and zombies can definitely definitely walk on ice and oh no oh no oh no no NO zombies zombies ZOMBIES! [The Corner]
There are many sappy, vomit-inducing political ads that come and go in these United States, but Gavin Newsom’s takes the vomit cake. [The Caucus]
Barack Obama grinds with a devastating Latina and then abruptly flees the dance floor because honestly he’s a married man and this is just torture. [Swampland]

Tags: barack obama, gavin newsom, jonah goldberg, max baucus, mlk, rumors on the internets, rush limbaugh, salsa, zombies
Posted in Wonkette | 79 Comments »

RUMORS ON THE INTERNETS

Nancy Pelosi’s Intimate Relationship With Der Führer Exposed On Camera!

Tuesday, October 13th, 2009

Introducing: Lip gloss that transforms into a secret date rape drug test kit! Hallelujah! Now you can let that Republican Senator buy you thousands of Flirtinis. Ah, peace of mind. [The Daily Dish]
Rush Limbaugh can only tell the truth because his son wished it so, when he blew out his birthday candles. Wikiquotes, on the other hand … lies lies lies. [RedState]
Will Matt Yglesias be able to use his Flux Capacitor to go back in time and prevent himself from reading Infinite Jest? No one knows. [Matt Yglesias]
The RNC has found new footage that suggests Hitler spent his last days in the Führerbunker pouting about Nancy Pelosi and her shared vision of an Aryan public option. [TPM]
What will the ’10s be like? Will it be a fun decade? Maybe roller skates will have a comeback? Or will we regress into anarchy and burn tires in the cobblestone streets and eat space ice cream for nourishment? [AMERICAblog]

Tags: 2010, hitler, lip gloss, nancy pelosi, rumors on the internets, rush limbaugh, time travel
Posted in Wonkette | 35 Comments »

RUMORS ON THE INTERNETS

Please Refrain From Calling Michelle Malkin ‘Black,’ Because That Is Just Rude

Monday, October 12th, 2009

Scenario: Rush Limbaugh buys a football team, because that is what rich assholes do for entertainment. Discuss. [Think Progress]
Do you know of any good Columbus-related literature that might interest Matt Yglesias? Matt is familiar with the works of Philip Roth, but that’s about it. [Matt Yglesias]
If you live in New Jersey Governor Jon Corzine would like to meet you and shake your hand and explain his platform, which consists mostly of talking massive shit about his Republican opponent — who is a total lardbucket, by the way. [The Caucus]
Liberals, immigrants, journalists, et all: Please take back your hate. It makes Michelle Malkin physically ill. [Michelle Malkin]
Tea Baggers! Do you hear the trumpet call? — Yes, it Erick Erickson, farting trumpet noises from afar — listen closely! Put down your annotated copies of The Fountainhead, take off your Continental Army Lt. Colonel uniform … it’s time to water the Tree of Liberty with Ayn Rand’s urine and run for political office! [RedState]

Tags: columbus, corzine, erick erickson, philip roth, rumors on the internets, rush limbaugh, tea baggers
Posted in Wonkette | 38 Comments »

RUMORS ON THE INTERNETS

When A Woman Votes, It Is As If She Is Taking A Giant Diarrhea On The American Flag

Wednesday, October 7th, 2009

The Jews have excommunicated Matt Yglesias, which means he will no longer receive the weekly newsletter. Also, he has lost his peanut butter-and-jelly challah sandwich privileges. [Matt Yglesias]
REDSTATE SIREN! Republican Senators are probably folding on health care! Why? For Pete’s sake, they have pocket rockets! [RedState]
Jonah Goldberg. Born lobotomized? [True/Slant: Michael Roston]
Ayn Rand is considered one of America’s most influential intellectuals, although almost everyone agrees that she is slightly less important than Star Wars Kid. [Hit & Run]
Have you pre-ordered your copy of The Case Against Female Suffrage yet? Ha-Ha. We are doomed. [Think Progress]

Tags: ayn rand, health care, jonah goldberg, rumors on the internets, women's suffrage
Posted in Wonkette | 30 Comments »

RUMORS ON THE INTERNETS

Please Stop Asking Michele Bachmann Word Problems Involving MSNBC And Long Division

Tuesday, October 6th, 2009

Wolf Blitzer exposes SNL with his award-winning muckraking journalism. [Hot Air]
Hundreds of fake doctors (including Jeff Gannon) were forced to wear lab coats and say flattering things about socialized medicine. [Michelle Malkin]
Michele Bachmann does not know anything about MSNBC. She doesn’t know how to spell MSNBC and she doesn’t want to know. She doesn’t know what MSNBC stands for, or if it stands for anything at all. Maybe it’s Spanish. She just doesn’t know. [TPM]
Guess who wants to stick his public option in your pooper? You know who. [RedState]
Barack Obama is the the world’s most popular dictator. [Think Progress]

Tags: barack obama, health care, jeff gannon, michele bachmann, rumors on the internets, snl, Wolf Blitzer
Posted in Wonkette | 56 Comments »