Posts Tagged ‘rumors on the internets’

Jonah Goldberg Has An Advanced Degree In Zombieology

Thursday, October 15th, 2009

What is ‘Max Baucus’? We simply do not know. [Matt Yglesias]
Today’s RedState lecture: “How Limbaugh’s embodiment of MLK’s dream changed my life.” Please take notes because you’ll be tested on this material at the end of the semester. [RedState]
How will Jonah Goldberg survive the impending zombie apocalypse?! Hiding in a spider hole at the bottom of Lake Superior might work, but then again, Lake Superior freezes in the winter and zombies can definitely definitely walk on ice and oh no oh no oh no no NO zombies zombies ZOMBIES! [The Corner]
There are many sappy, vomit-inducing political ads that come and go in these United States, but Gavin Newsom’s takes the vomit cake. [The Caucus]
Barack Obama grinds with a devastating Latina and then abruptly flees the dance floor because honestly he’s a married man and this is just torture. [Swampland]

Tags: barack obama, gavin newsom, jonah goldberg, max baucus, mlk, rumors on the internets, rush limbaugh, salsa, zombies
Posted in Wonkette | 79 Comments »

RUMORS ON THE INTERNETS

Nancy Pelosi’s Intimate Relationship With Der Führer Exposed On Camera!

Tuesday, October 13th, 2009

Introducing: Lip gloss that transforms into a secret date rape drug test kit! Hallelujah! Now you can let that Republican Senator buy you thousands of Flirtinis. Ah, peace of mind. [The Daily Dish]
Rush Limbaugh can only tell the truth because his son wished it so, when he blew out his birthday candles. Wikiquotes, on the other hand … lies lies lies. [RedState]
Will Matt Yglesias be able to use his Flux Capacitor to go back in time and prevent himself from reading Infinite Jest? No one knows. [Matt Yglesias]
The RNC has found new footage that suggests Hitler spent his last days in the Führerbunker pouting about Nancy Pelosi and her shared vision of an Aryan public option. [TPM]
What will the ’10s be like? Will it be a fun decade? Maybe roller skates will have a comeback? Or will we regress into anarchy and burn tires in the cobblestone streets and eat space ice cream for nourishment? [AMERICAblog]

Tags: 2010, hitler, lip gloss, nancy pelosi, rumors on the internets, rush limbaugh, time travel
Posted in Wonkette | 35 Comments »

RUMORS ON THE INTERNETS

Please Refrain From Calling Michelle Malkin ‘Black,’ Because That Is Just Rude

Monday, October 12th, 2009

Scenario: Rush Limbaugh buys a football team, because that is what rich assholes do for entertainment. Discuss. [Think Progress]
Do you know of any good Columbus-related literature that might interest Matt Yglesias? Matt is familiar with the works of Philip Roth, but that’s about it. [Matt Yglesias]
If you live in New Jersey Governor Jon Corzine would like to meet you and shake your hand and explain his platform, which consists mostly of talking massive shit about his Republican opponent — who is a total lardbucket, by the way. [The Caucus]
Liberals, immigrants, journalists, et all: Please take back your hate. It makes Michelle Malkin physically ill. [Michelle Malkin]
Tea Baggers! Do you hear the trumpet call? — Yes, it Erick Erickson, farting trumpet noises from afar — listen closely! Put down your annotated copies of The Fountainhead, take off your Continental Army Lt. Colonel uniform … it’s time to water the Tree of Liberty with Ayn Rand’s urine and run for political office! [RedState]

Tags: columbus, corzine, erick erickson, philip roth, rumors on the internets, rush limbaugh, tea baggers
Posted in Wonkette | 38 Comments »

RUMORS ON THE INTERNETS

When A Woman Votes, It Is As If She Is Taking A Giant Diarrhea On The American Flag

Wednesday, October 7th, 2009

The Jews have excommunicated Matt Yglesias, which means he will no longer receive the weekly newsletter. Also, he has lost his peanut butter-and-jelly challah sandwich privileges. [Matt Yglesias]
REDSTATE SIREN! Republican Senators are probably folding on health care! Why? For Pete’s sake, they have pocket rockets! [RedState]
Jonah Goldberg. Born lobotomized? [True/Slant: Michael Roston]
Ayn Rand is considered one of America’s most influential intellectuals, although almost everyone agrees that she is slightly less important than Star Wars Kid. [Hit & Run]
Have you pre-ordered your copy of The Case Against Female Suffrage yet? Ha-Ha. We are doomed. [Think Progress]

Tags: ayn rand, health care, jonah goldberg, rumors on the internets, women's suffrage
Posted in Wonkette | 30 Comments »

RUMORS ON THE INTERNETS

Please Stop Asking Michele Bachmann Word Problems Involving MSNBC And Long Division

Tuesday, October 6th, 2009

Wolf Blitzer exposes SNL with his award-winning muckraking journalism. [Hot Air]
Hundreds of fake doctors (including Jeff Gannon) were forced to wear lab coats and say flattering things about socialized medicine. [Michelle Malkin]
Michele Bachmann does not know anything about MSNBC. She doesn’t know how to spell MSNBC and she doesn’t want to know. She doesn’t know what MSNBC stands for, or if it stands for anything at all. Maybe it’s Spanish. She just doesn’t know. [TPM]
Guess who wants to stick his public option in your pooper? You know who. [RedState]
Barack Obama is the the world’s most popular dictator. [Think Progress]

Tags: barack obama, health care, jeff gannon, michele bachmann, rumors on the internets, snl, Wolf Blitzer
Posted in Wonkette | 56 Comments »

RUMORS ON THE INTERNETS

Glenn Beck Is Asked To Retract His Endorsement Of Mr. Pippin’s Fantastic Rectum Scratcher

Monday, October 5th, 2009

“To be clear, I root for America, therefore I root against Barack Obama.” Finally! The RedState dogma explained in one convenient sentence. [RedState]
Everything that Glenn Beck says hates him. [Think Progress]
Karl Rove acknowledges that he has reoccurring wet dreams about Marco Rubio, and that if he could, he would dip Marco in chocolate and then gobble him up. [TPM]
Here is a truly shocking video of Andrew Sullivan sipping Merlot and smelling tulips whilst lounging in his finest Brooks Brothers cashmere sport coat and blabbering on about how much he loves the Queen. And he accuses Barack Obama of being a Tory? Good heavens. [The Daily Dish]
It is true that Michelle Malkin is a bit of a “surfboard.” But now we have even more proof that Michelle is actually just Matt Taibbi in drag. [Michelle Malkin]

Tags: barack obama, glenn beck, henry paulson, karl rove, marco rubio, rumors on the internets
Posted in Wonkette | 36 Comments »

RUMORS ON THE INTERNETS

Why Is Barack Obama Such A Shameless Reptile?

Thursday, October 1st, 2009

One hundred years from now, school children will marvel at how obtuse Americans in 2009 really were. “How could they not have known Barack Obama was a Reptilian Shapeshifter?” the children will ask. And then their civics teacher Mr. Floyd will chuckle and reply, “They were very stupid. Very very stupid.” [True/Slant: Harmon Leon]
Meanwhile, Michelle Obama goes on Sesame Street. But does she compose an awesome song about geometry, just like Philip Glass did? [The Caucus]
Glenn Beck is the loneliest man on the earth. [Think Progress]
Is it at all surprising that Creigh Deeds loves taxes more than he loves his children, but also hates Democracy with all his heart? No. No, it is not. [RedState]
There is serious money to be made disrespecting Republicans. Just ask Alan Grayson, who is now officially rich. [TPM]

Tags: alan grayson, creigh deeds, glenn beck, lindsey graham, michelle obama, rumors on the internets, reptiles
Posted in Wonkette | 54 Comments »

RUMORS ON THE INTERNETS

The Obama Administration Is Not A Registered Sex Offender, And That Makes RedState Very Frustrated

Tuesday, September 29th, 2009

Matthew Yglesias writes in earnest about McDonald’s policy. [Matt Yglesias]
The Obama Administration loves to have sex with minors. RedState knows this is true, because Whoopee Goldberg said something on teevee and also isn’t it obvious? Q.E.D., Amen. [RedState]
Delicious Mustache Ride John Bolton admits that some people are normal and straight like him, and other people are weird and kinda gay, and if they don’t feel bad about not being normal and straight, that’s okay, he guesses. [Think Progress]
Andrew Sullivan will protect your children from the Obama Administration. Bless him. [The Daily Dish]
Barack Obama guest stars in a new (?) comic book, with a big-boobed anime jet rocket robot stripper lady villain. [Weekly Standard]

Tags: barack obama, comic books, john bolton, mcdonald's, rumors on the internets
Posted in Wonkette | 13 Comments »

RUMORS ON THE INTERNETS

Rush Limbaugh Rallies For White Civil Rights, i.e. ‘Segregation’

Monday, September 28th, 2009

Matt Yglesias wants to sex machen with German Mädchen, big time. [Matt Yglesias]
Rush Limbaugh was curled up on his La-Z-boy. He had just finished reading Du Bois’ The Souls of White Folk and was feeling particularly vulnerable. Opiates helped relieve the pain, but it’s hard being white in a black man’s world. Rush cut up a few lines of Oxycontin with his Price Chopper Chopper Shopper Card. I will start the white civil rights movement he thought to himself. And then he celebrated with some Oxycontin up his nose. [Think Progress]
For the man who has everything except a Michele Bachmann action figure. [TPM]
The brave Americans who defended Alaska from the Japanese during the Battle of Midway will receive a pension of Zero Yen if Barack Obama has his way — and he always has his way! Meanwhile, Barack is busy eating ice cream cones. Despicable. [RedState]
Onward, Christian soldiers! [True/Slant: Laurie Essig]

Tags: alaska, barack obama, germany, michele bachmann, rumors on the internets, religious fanatics, rush limbaugh
Posted in Wonkette | 39 Comments »

RUMORS ON THE INTERNETS

The Democrats Now Have The Bomb, Thanks To Arlen Specter’s Treasonous Ways

Thursday, September 24th, 2009

Heavens to Betsy! Illegal immigrants are trying to steal Lou Dobbs’s job! [True/Slant: Marcelo Ballve]
HE DID IT. He did it. Matt finished Infinite Jest, the novel. He read all of it. And he did not care for it. [Matt Yglesias]
Barack Obama will create a special death panel for your beer. [TPM]
Web 2.0 is here! And Jesus Christ, it sounds hella boring. [The Caucus]
Arlen Specter is a rotten traitor! Where to begin? Okay, first of all: he switched sides with Benedict Arnold during the Revolutionary War. And then he helped the Russians build Sputnik. And then he attacked the USS Cole. And then he defected to the Democrats. Enough is enough. Boo Arlen! Yay Toomey! [RedState]

Tags: arlen specter, beer, infinite jest, karl rove, rumors on the internets
Posted in Wonkette | 29 Comments »

RUMORS ON THE INTERNETS

Afghanistan Asks: Et Tu, McChrystal?

Tuesday, September 22nd, 2009

Matt Yglesias needs some hot German tracks that he can sing in the shower. We recommend: Kraftwerk, Sammy Deluxe, and uh, Trio. [Matt Yglesias]
Before there was AdultFriendFinder.com, men of questionable character had to solicit sex over VHS. [The Daily Dish]
Michele Bachmann reveals the secrets of the universe. [Think Progress]
The 111th Congress class picture was ripe with the usual ass-grabs and suggestive hand gestures. [The Caucus]
Who murdered the War in Afghanistan? Was it McChrystal, in the ballroom, with classified documents on a CD-RW? Or was it blabbermouth Admiral Mullen, in the harem, gossiping with a teenage hooker? Or was it a jealous White House staffer who framed McChrystal because McChrystal is so handsome and it’s just not fair? Or? [Weekly Standard]
The Wise Latina thinks she can play baseball better than a white male. Composure, Lindsey Graham. Composure. [Swampland]

Tags: 111th congress, afghanistan, mcchrystal, michele bachmann, rumors on the internets, sotomayor
Posted in Wonkette | 35 Comments »